I exposed to my H coworkers, his family, the OW H, would have done her family if I could have. But I did all that before I found this site and the book, which I'm just finishing up.

So I have a friend who is asking about exposure. I kinda explained about how exposure is a positive thing and the benefits of it(reality check etc.), but I'm sure I did not do the explanation justice or let her know how.

So can you all give me as much as you can on exposure.

How to, who to, why, and benefits of exposure etc. And maybe examples. She is also concerned also because it is a co-worker. What do recommend in that case?

Is your friend's H having an A with a coworker? Exposure is definitely recommended in those situations because sometimes the company has policies that prohibit such behavior and it will help break up the A. That is the main purpose of exposure, to end the affair or to accelerate its end.

Yes I actually have 2 friends with co workers, but they are concerned about their H's losing their jobs and affecting the livelihood of the family, so what then? And how would you go about it? Then who else should they go to?

Bump

The bennefits of exposure include (and are not limited to):

- Brings the A out in the open
-Destroys the fantasy and secrecy of the A
-Gets the truth out (before the WS can spin it around)
-Rallies up supporters of the marriage
-Rallies up supporters of the BS who help in innumerable ways through reporting actions of the WS, providing everything from financial, emotional and other types of support to the BS
-Prevents gossip since gossip relies on information passed behind one's back but is infinitely more unreliable than truth coming from the source
-Brings critical information to the surface (how long has the A been going on, where was he really last weekend etc.)
-Through the above, destabilizes the A, often ending it immediately

Fear of losing a job is real, but it is not because of the exposure, it is because of the affair. Even if the BS doesn't expose, the affair may be discovered eventually by the employee anyway. If the A is occurring at work, hence threatening job security, either the WS or the OP must leave the job anyway if the marriage is going to have any chance whatsoever. So yes, there could be potential financial hardhip (due to the affair, not the exposure), but that weighs against DEFINITE marital breakdown.

Search for Runnerboy's thread for the all time best exposure I have ever read about. Of course if you've known about the A long enough to ask your question, you can't repeat what he did. But it's still worth the read to see what happens when it is done right.

How: All at once, without ANY warning. Exposure should be one fell swoop, not in dribs and drabs. It is a "shock and awe" strategy. No warning, because the wayward spouse knows exposure is imminent, he/she can tell close friends and relatives "My spouse is driving me nuts! They are so jealous and possessive and needy... they're even accusing me of having an affair. I don't know how much longer I can live with this." Then when the exposure happens, nobody will believe it. It will only strengthen the "poor suffering me" story the wayward spouse is telling.

Who to: The people who have influence over the affair partners. This is *always* the affair partner's spouse, the parents of both affair partners, and the parents of the betrayed spouse. It frequently also includes adult children of the wayward, employers of the affair partners if they work together, and members of any "club" to which the affair partners belong.

Why: Affairs thrive in secrecy. What seems delicious and "meant to be, dictated by fate" becomes tawdry and embarrassing in the light of day. It's easy for affair partners to tell each other how wonderful it is that they've found their true love and soulmate, but when people they respect are looking at them with that "How could you be so foolish as to rip your family apart?" look, the affair starts to lose its luster.

The affair becomes more difficult to carry out when "all eyes" are on the affair partners.

Frequently one partner will decide that the affair is simply not worth all the hassle.

Exposure is the single most powerful tool there is for ending an affair. There is no guarantee exposure will end the affair immediately, and it's possible it may not end the affair at all, but usually it has a surprisingly strong effect.

What you should say: Exposure is NOT about revenge. It is NOT about saying "He is being horrible and wretched, please hate him for me." It is simply about conveying the truth to influential parties. Exposure should be short, it should be factual rather than emotional, and it should not expect anyone to pick sides. Here's an example: "My H is having an A with OW. While the decision to have the A was completely his, I realize I contributed to the poor state of our M. I'm committed to improving myself and building a strong vibrant M with H. I would greatly appreciate your support for H, myself, and our M as we go through this difficult time."

When you expose to the OP's spouse, you should have hard proof. The OP's spouse sometimes knows something is not right, but sometimes they don't have a clue anything is amiss and they will dismiss the allegations out of hand without concrete evidence such as copies of emails, cellphone bills, photographs, or taped conversations.