I think that HE is the person that his daughter is mimicking.

She is simply doing to her husband, what dear old Dad does to others.

She is being oppositional, and she is enjoying making her husband appear wrong. She is applying the same discipline and she rarely makes the mistake of unconstructive criticism.

She is being appropriately critical I gather.

Yep, the apple ain't falling far from the tree.

So, Senator...what exactly is the problem?

She takes after you.


committed

There can be too much praise, and compliments that tend to swell my head, beyond what might be nice to encourage my daily chores.

One can look from different perspectives.

"Why is the glass half-empty?" Leads to a perspective of deficiencies and shortcomings.

"How has the glass become half-filled?" leads to concepts of contribuitions.

So the degree of admirablity is only relevant to the types of efforts/qualities that have resulted in a half-filled glass.

The need for Admirtion is not related to the degree of admirablity. Qualities and efforts to be recognized in statements of Admiration, can be found if looked for. Admiration is a perspective of attention.

There is a concept that Admiration should come naturally. But many women fail to understand the type of Admiration that a man might enjoy and appreciate.

In some way, I feel that I should not have to ask for Admiration, that Admiration, as could be generated, if looked for with the appropriate tilt of the wife's head.



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Well, I think we'd all like to believe that our spouses know us that well, that they can read us like the back of their hand, but the truth is we can't. On a clear day with few distractions, we may have a niggling of an idea, but it's very seldom obvious. It isn't realistic with all the other things going on in life to expect our spouses to know what we need of them without explaining it.

I might be wrong, but is it possible that you are really trying to squeeze some admiration from your wife by seeming to be right all the time? Is this all for her, and the others who are offended be damned?

We've all been known to do some silly and/or outrageous things to attract or impress the opposite sex...even so far as stepping out of character - is this you?

And since that isn't working, are you now possibly realizing that you can't do that anymore, nor can you expect her to read your mind and now you're possibly wondering what your options are?

[i][/i]

Do you recall any instances where your husband's face seemed to light up with a statement from you of recognition of his wisdom, effort or training?

I continually try to keep the concept of Love Busters in mind. I take complaints as gifts of information about how I can please my wife. The more my wife complains, the more options for gifts I have. Some of my wife's complaints are quick and easy to fulfill !!!

I am aiming at getting my wife to spend more quality time together.

Today my wife was complaining, and I asked her to put on her GOOD glasses, and tell me what she found of value, and what effort, training or abilities of mine had contributed to what she currently enjoys.

Seemed to go in a loving manner. I told my wife that my ears wanted to hear some kind words.



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Senator,

You know, the times when I most admire my H are when he is humble. Such as:

When he mows an elderly neighbor's yard w/o seeking credit.
When he gives someone else the place of honor.
When he sets aside his own wants to take care of someone else.
I fell in love with him when he asked me over for dinner and made a "humble" meal...red beans and rice...it was delicious

When he does things to try and impress me, others, or himself, my admiration quickly goes downhill.

I don't want to give false admiration and I think anyone seeking it is narcissistic.

edited to add:
There's also one of the most famous events pertaining to the power of humility...when Jesus washed the feet of the apostles. It's amazing that such a humble act is still admired today, almost 2000 years later.

You can't really go by my husband's personality. When I compliment him, he often has an atypical response that indicates to me that he doesn't believe me. It's an odd thing, really. He will brag but then reject my compliments. I'm not really sure what he wants from me sometimes. He's a puzzle.

You might want to talk to your wife about your acknowledgment that sometimes you don't choose the right words with people and that you could use her wisdom and guidance as a woman to help you learn to get your point across without offending people. Tell her you aren't looking for criticism but alternative phrases that she thinks would be acceptable and not offensive.

This removes the whole ego thing, shows your wife you're trying, builds her own ego a bit, and gets you two working together on something productive. It shows you care what she thinks of you too.

Oh wow. I just don’t know how to respond to you, Senator. Every once in awhile someone comes here who has such a rigid view there’s no helping them. The problem is, those people usually don’t recognize that aspect of themselves. I’m assuming here that you’re very intelligent, very successful, very organized, very meticulous, and very admired – outside your marriage. And you can’t figure out why.

But to those of us reading your posts, the reason is quite obvious.

My husband likes to be right. In fact, any questioning of his opinions or actions is met with open hostility. You one-up your wife to stay right; my husband yells to stay right. Is either action admirable?

You’ve ignored those who have tried to show you why your wife is not admiring you, so this probably will be ignored as well. But I’ll take a stab.

You claim to recognize the price you pay for being right. Does it not make sense to you that the price you’re paying with your wife is that she doesn’t see anything admirable in your actions? And therefore, cannot GIVE you admiration?

If you had a boss who argued with you over every idea you had to make your company better, and he continued to argue until you finally agreed that every idea you have is simply inferior to his, and that you need to do it his way, even if you know that your idea would work…would you admire him? Or would you secretly scorn him and pity him and determine to just bide your time with him? What makes you think your wife would experience anything other than the same response you’d have to an egregious boss? Because there’s just something so wonderful about you that she continues to swoon at your feet over how amazingly smart and RIGHT you always are?

More likely, she has just given up caring about you because you do little more than continuously put her in her place so that you remain always RIGHT.

May I suggest that her criticism of you is a self-defense mechanism, the only way she can retain any sense of self-pride, after continually being belittled by your need to always be RIGHT?

Do you think it is RIGHT for you to also determine what your wife is thinking? That’s what you’re saying. You have determined that your wife finds pleasure in putting you down. How would you know? Those are HER thoughts to know, not yours. The only thing you can say for sure is that you don’t enjoy being the object of her criticism.

So I ask you: If you don’t like being the object of your wife’s criticism, WHY would she enjoy being the object of YOUR criticism? Because you’re RIGHT? Better? Smarter? More capable? Know all the answers? What justification do you have for assuming that your criticism is “constructive” while hers is malignant?


I just don’t even know what to say to this, it is so outrageously self-absorbed. Do you not see that? I’m astounded that you seem to think it’s acceptable to TELL your wife and daughter to like you! To TELL them to please you, to stroke you, to admire you? Do you not see the pomposity of that? Truly, I want to know.

Senator, what is your definition of admiration? My dictionary says to regard with pleasure, wonder, and approval.

If you continuously enjoy making others (your wife and daughter) appear wrong (your words), WHY would they associate pleasure with you?

If you are RIGHT in every aspect of your life, or rather act as though you are right in every aspect, what is there for them to regard with wonder? They KNOW that you assume you are always right. Why is one day any different from the next? They know every time they interact with you they will either have to defend themselves or agree with your opinions. What is pleasurable about that?

If you see the need to provide everyone ELSE with constructive criticism, while expecting none for yourself, what is there for them to approve of? Are they supposed to be grateful that they get to live with you, you who are always RIGHT, always know the correct way to do everything, the correct answer to every question? You, whose job it apparently is to impart your wisdom on everyone else because you are always RIGHT and they are all just misguided or haven’t been exposed to the truth according to you?

Why would you expect your wife OR your daughter to admire that?

Hi Senator,

I've been pretty hard on you in the past--and I admit that there is something in teh style of your writing that strikes me wrong... makes me think you could be hard for your wife to live with.

However, when I read your posts very carefully, I see that you try hard not to correct your wife; you try to do what pleases her; and you try to give her encouragement to speak kind words to you.

Have you tried talking to your wife AFTER she praises you in some meaningful way and let her know how much it meant to you?

I mean, have you said "Oh, it felt so good when you said 'abc' to me. It means a lot to hear your kind words" and then hug her or kiss her or something.

In the same way, you might try affirming your daughter when you see her on the track of complimenting her husband in a meaningful way... Tell her you noticed how much her husband seemed to like it when she said "abc".

Also, you must attend to what others here are saying about how you seem to come across as rigid, oppositional and difficult. D you think your wife feels this way?

Sometimes you are able to get through to her about what you want... when do you think it works best? When she is feeling well-loved? When you use humor? When she knows what you want?

Do you think your wife is happy?

I know my H need is for appreciation. And I see it having a great impact on him in lots of ways when I speak positively towards him. I want to do this more.

But it is HARDER when I dont' feel loved by him... and I think that's what people are asking... do you think your wife feels loved enough by you so that her kind words are coming from the overflow of her heart, and not just so that there is "peace" in the home?

That's important.

If she says (and acts like) she is happy, than I think affirming her when she treats you admiringly could go a long way. I like to know I'm making my H happy when I know he is just as interested in making me happy--and I like to know that it's working, too!

Good luck, Senator.

from Emotional Honesty

"Expressing a feeling is not the same as expressing demands. If you try to tell your spouse what to do, you are not revealing an honest feeling; you are making a demand. If your spouse does something that bothers you, the correct way to express it is simply say that it bothers you. The Policy of Joint Agreement would take over from that point to help you try to resolve the problem.

If you tell your spouse that he or she is wrong about something, you're not being honest, you are being judgmental. While you should be free to express your beliefs and opinions, you should respect your spouse's beliefs and opinions. If you try to "straighten out" your spouse, you are not being honest; you are making a disrespectful judgment. The expression of feeling should not carry judgmental baggage with it."

Here is a link to a short description of Admiration by Dr. Harley.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_ad.html

Has your husband ever asked for his needs for Admiration to be fulfilled?

Is there some way you would prefer your hasband to ask for his need of Admiration to be fulfilled?

Have you found a way to determine that your husband would not appreciate more Admiration? How?

Have you ever felt that your husband was making a Disrespectful Judgement when he asked for Admiration?

Have you ever dismissed or ignored any of your husband's attempts to ask for Admiration?

Have you ever known that your husband had made effort toward a particular goal, and you expressed disdain for his work, or the goal?

Have you ever known that your husband held certain beliefs or opinions, and thoghtlessly or deliberately made comments that contradicted your husband's beliefs or opinions?

How do you measure the amount of LOVE deposited into the Love Bank, when you make a compliment or comment recognizing effort wisdom, or judgement, to your husband?



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Are you asking these questions of me, or are they rhetorical? In case you are asking me, here's my responses:


No. From what he completed of the ENQ though, I could tell it was one of his top ENs. I can also tell that it's a huge LB for him if I say anything that might even be possibly construed as critical.


No, I got the message loud and clear.

As I've heard people tell women who are "nagging": Once you've made your request, leave it alone. If your H (or W) has two working ears and is an adult, they heard your request and they are free to choose whether or not to honor your request. Continuing to request is trying to FORCE them to comply; it's a demand, not a request.


I'm not sure I understand... have I found a way to determine that H would NOT appreciate more Ad? Um, no... but I never said that he would not appreciate more Ad... and I never said I didn't give him Ad... are you projecting?


Um, no... he doesn't *ask* for Admiration. Are you confusing me and my H with your W and you?


Um, no... see above.


Before MB I probably made thoughtless remarks that hurt him, yes. I don't think I ever expressed disdain for his work or a goal he worked toward. He works on just about the coolest most awesome project on the planet. Well it isn't in Antarctica but that's about the only way it could be cooler unless it was in space. His project has been mentioned in Scientific American, National Geographic, the New York Times, Nova, etc. I absolutely ADMIRE what he does. I value his work so much that I've been willing to endure him being in another country for extended periods of time and I switched fields myself.


Um, see above re. thoughtless *hurtful* comments... But I have definitely made deliberate comments that contradict H's opinions. I have a brain entirely separate from his brain; it's totally possible that I may have an entirely different opinion from his. Case in point: I love mushrooms. He hates mushrooms. He will deliberately say he doesn't like mushrooms and I will deliberately say I do. I don't force him to eat mushrooms, and I honor his request to not order mushrooms or cook mushrooms unless I can guarantee he won't accidentally taste one. As I eat them, I will deliberately and appreciatively appreciate the awesome taste. On the rare occasion that he tastes one, he will deliberately say it tasted bad and request to not order a half-and-half pizza again. I see nothing wrong with that.


I'm not trying to measure anything. Only he can determine the exchange rate for Admiration in his Love Bank. I can tell you that the exchange rate for Conversation at my Bank is sky-high, it's an extremely scarce commodity.


Thank you for reminding me of the advice re. nagging. That I've made my request for Conversation, and I should assume H has two working ears and is an adult, and so if he still doesn't choose to meet my biggest EN, that is his choice. Continuing to ask is turning it into a Demand.

So, what does one do once the request has been made for an EN to be met, and the spouse doesn't meet that need to one's expectations?

Funny thing about expectations- they lead to disappointment.

One of the first things I thought we are told when we come here, is that we can't change our spouses, we can only change ourselves.

If my requests to get my EN met aren't getting me what I want in the way I want as often as I want, I guess I need to figure out what *I* am going to do, for myself; not plan ways to manipulate my spouse to doing what I want how I want when I want as often as I want. Thanks for that reminder.

We can only change ourselves; we cannot force the other person to change. As we say to newbies, you are the one here, you're the only one we can work on.

Would your W be willing to post here?

One of my goals is to get my needs for Admiration met. Another goal, is to make my requests for Admiration in a moderate manner, not too pushy, not too wooshy.


Another goal of asking for Admiration is to be ready to be ignored or rejected. Diappointed expections can create sadness. My goal is not be Sad.

Therefore, what *I* do, is mark a star on my calendar, and list things for a WTG, Way To Go or Atta Boy, and I share my personal WINNINGS with myself or other friends. My wife is not big on WTG's, so I ask, but I don't cry.


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Hi Senator:

I know you're looking for validation, and what I can give you is acknowledgement that every person on the planet enjoys admiration and appreciation. I'm sorry that you're not getting enough to make you happy.

How do you feel about just asking her about something you're working on? Ask her opinion on it first. She will be flattered that her opinion is important, and it will give her an opportunity to compliment you on it, if she deems it appropriate to do so, without the obvious hedging that you're currently doing. And if she does offer her opinion or an idea, you need to accept it and thank her for her input. Create an exchange of ideas.

Women are nurturers. Their instinct is to create balance in the home. If they sense imbalance, it upsets them and they might try to correct it. I think when you boast it creates a sense of imbalance to her. She feels the need to correct the behavior, even if it hurts your feelings, because your behavior creates some sort of disharmony in the home. This is how I was with my husband. I now have learned to walk away from these situations, but the down side is that he is not getting the admiration he craved, I am still disappointed in that sort of behavior,and there is still disharmony when he acts like this.

You want your wife to admire you regardless of your behavior. That is unlikely to happen. There are consequences for creating imbalance in the home.

Can you give us an example of how you are asking for admiration please?

I had not thought in terms of Balance.

Today, my wife was giving intense motherly protection for our daughter, against me, best I understand it.

I had bought a used car to be available for my dauther and other family members to borrow, as needed. I had found and presented cars with less mileage and better guarantees, but my wife agreed to a less expensive car, with higher mileage, and no gurantee.

After buying the car, my wife had misgivings, and there were periods of considering revoking the sale. We finally went through with purchasing the car.

The car needed a transmission shortly after we bought it, and my wife has expressed less than full confidence, from time to time, in my part of chosing the used car. Transmissions can cost as much as a car.

Today, my daughter reported that the used car, with a rebuilt transmission, would not start. My wife flew into a rage, castigating me for bad judgement.

I asked for recognition that we did not yet know if the car was ruined. I asked for recogntion of my training and experience in keeping used cars running fairly reliably. I asked my wife for recognition that I had put some effort into checking the used car's Engine, battery starter, etc. The intensity of my wife's criticism lowered, but did not convert to praise or admiration.

I went to look at the car, and it started fine. As it turned out, my daugher was unaware that a metal key needs to have the plastic cap, or the car won't start. The metal key is only if you get locked out.

My daugher appologized, and my wife apppologized, and we had a good laugh. My wife had previously had to learn the hard way also, about keys with the plastic on the end.

So afterwards, I asked my daughter to counsel my wife, that when something is not perfect, that does not mean it might not be good. And to coach my wife in how to be encouraging in the expression of her ideas and concerns.

I feel that I was successful in using a moderate tone. Whether Admiration will be coached, remains to be seen.




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Ah. Well, at least you got an apology, and I'm sure it was humbling for her and gratifying to you in some way to hear it.

I'm not sure how useful it will be for you to ask your daughter to counsel your wife. Maybe through her, your wife will listen a bit more. However, I wouldn't get into the habit of keeping your daughter involved in a communication issue between you and her mother (not that you are - just saying), as this shouldn't take the place of you and your wife talking things out one-on-one.

Sounds like you had a good moment there though, and those good moments are important because they give us hope to keep trying.

You know, some people are just not very vocal about their praise. They're a bit stingy. My husband is like that too, with me. He's very free with it with others, but when it comes to me, it's held back for some reason. Sometimes I think it isn't because I don't do good things; it's because if we're in a disagreeable way for an extended period, the last thing you want to do is sing that person's praises, I guess, you know? We don't want them to feel good about themselves because then they'll think they're forgiven or something.

Is there something between you and your wife that isn't yet resolved - an issue of contention or disagreement? Something that hangs around that isn't resolved could be part of the problem.

You could ask yourself if you've been on your wife's good side for an extended period - long enough where the atmosphere would be conducive to exchanging admiration? Do you admire her openly? Maybe that's another question to think over.

Sooly makes a good point. A year ago, I wasn't giving my husband ANY strokes. I was very unhappy with him, because our lives revolved around him, and he felt no need to give ME any strokes. I was ready to leave him, in fact. Sure, part of the equation was on me. But he was doing nothing to make me want to please him. I think people are trying to point out to you that maybe she has no desire to give you admiration, because she feels you don't deserve it. Is that possible? Have you ever talked to her about how she feels about you?

There may be several aspects of DESERVING Admiration.

One part of deserving is avoiding Love Busters. If I have dished out some lover busters, recently, or bigger LB's, not too long ago, then I have to take responsibility for having failed to create an atmosphere in which expressions of Admiration are reasonable.

Some spouses get into the habit of not giving Admiration, for one reason or another. Consciously or unconsciously.

One reason a spouse may neglect the short, easy phrase expressing admiration is simply not ordinarily thinking from the perspective of looking for small opportunities for giving a spouse Admiration. So if the spouse desiring Admiration, asks for an ATTA BOY,or WTG, Way To Go, then this may serve as a reminder, and may help re-establishing a more frequent perspective of the point of focus, of a spouse, looking for, and giving recognition or Admiration.

Another aspect of DESERVING is whether the spouse has done something spectacular recently. One purpose of Admiration is to catch your spouse doing something right, and give them praise, with the idea that they will then do more good things that you like. Conversely, I would appreciate some praise for things that I know my wife appreciates, and would like to see more of. So since I know she wants more, I believe it is in her interests to give praise, for what she wants more of.

Raising children can be catching the child doing something good, and giving praise. Helping build improved habits and performance is not that much different for kids, teens and adults.

But another aspect of DESERVING Admiration could be thought of withholding any expression of Admiration, until something special is done for them. I think that Admiration is finding positive aspects in daily routines, for a WTG, and Admiration in marriage is not only for special, infrequent moments of brilliance.

I would appreciate some recognition for making the efforts needed to get through the daily grind.

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That did not address my issue. What I asked was, is she happy with you? I don't know you, but based on what you write, and how you write, you seem like a very difficult person to live with. You seem to have incredibly high standards you expect her to meet. Do you?

In what way do you interact with her? Do you ever surprise her with flowers, a kiss and a hug? Do you ever give her a gift card to a spa and say 'go pamper yourself; you deserve it'? Do you ask her what she thinks about the job you interviewed for, or the paper you wrote, or the price of tea in China? Do you go for walks with her and ask her how her life is turning out, whether it is what she expected or wanted? Do you bring a board game to the table and ask her to play?

What is your daily life like?

As you point out, a Willingness to give Admiration is a factor in in the realities of the difficulties of requesting Admiration.

You have given some examples of measuring Happiness, from your perspective.

From my perspective, as a husband, there are things that I can do that are caring, for my wife, and some things that are uncaring, or selfish, that I try to avoid doing.

Basically, I try to make my wife Happy, by listening to her ideas, and doing things for my wife, that she might appreciate, or has requested.

My wife is not ecstatically happy as a result of my being fully cabable of being able to quickly manifest every wish that comes to her mind. But anything that is reasonable or easy, I try to do without hesitation.

Today I offered to take her to a restaurant that she likes. My wife declined, but I imagine that she felt loved.

Happiness for my wife is also spending time outside the home with her church and her nearby realtives. So Happiness for my wife is having the option, or freedom, to do things outside the home, that she wishes to do.

Happiness for my wife is also making plans for re-decorating, and occasionally following through with a plan, or changing the plan that was started, to save money, or get a different look.

Happiness for my wife, with her marriage to me, is taking my total package, and evaluating what other options she might have for re-marriage after a divorce, or life as a divorcee. So Happiness for my wife, is that Her evaluation of out marriage, over-all, is superior to her visions of re-marriage potentials, or life as a divorcee.

I don't have to make my wife happy in every respect, to generally give my wife happiness. I am always looking for ways to be more encouraging, more understanding, more cordial, and more responsive. My keeping my eye out for opportunites to please my wife, shows that I am caring for her. My curbing my expressions of surprise or disappointment, avoids Love Busters and Disrespectful Judgements.

I remember previous instances where I have been less than optimally attentive and responsive. I try to keep my selfish moments in mind, as a reminder, to be more ready to respond to my wife.

My wife particularly enjoys watching TV in bed. So I maintain the cable Box, DVD and VHS Players, so my wife has her enjoyment of TV in bed.



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