Nothing much to say today. Had a pretty good w/end, just normal family stuff. WH done some domestic stuff for the first time since he came home which I think is a good sign. He was always pretty good around the house before the A.

I'm not too bad, a little sad today as it is/was/should be(?) our 18th wedding anniversary. I told WH that I don't want to mark it in anyway as I don't feel there is alot to celebrate. Am tempted to watch our wedding video but know that would only succeed in making me more depressed .

Hi there,

I am feeling somewhat distressed at the moment as I have just discovered that SIL has added OW to her friends list on facebook.

I have previously had the convo with WH about his family having C with the OW and his response was that I can't tell poeople who they can be friends with. I have the added complication that SIL is the point of C for OW concerning the money that WH and his business owe her.

So, should I confront SIL directly about this or should I ask WH to step up and show that he is willing to do something to help make me feel safe? And if he won't, then what? I should probably add that WH has always had an issue with standing up to his family and their opinion has often been more important to him than mine in past.

Looking forward to hearing any advice.

WOW no advice just hugs, that would upset me too.. I don't know what your hubby can do about it, he can't make his sister take it down, I still think it was a pretty crapping thing for your SIL to do. What is your relationship with your SIL? And how about with his family?

Hi F26,

Thx for the hug, I need it today.

Won't be able to bring up the facebook sitch with WH tonight. He came home from work very depressed and has had to go back to the office. Basically his business is teetering on the edge and he could have to fold. WH and his brother have been borrowing from Peter to pay Paul and now things are catching up with them.

Funny thing is (well, not funny really) but SIL has just taken over from OW as financial controller so I'm sitting here thinking what a terrible job OW must have been doing and can't say anything about it as I know WH will just defend her. Who knows, it could even be her "parting shot" at WH.

Anyway, my R with SIL used to be good. Unfortunately the day I got the ILYBNILWY speech was the day she gave birth to a 3mth early baby - who is absolutely fine now btw. She had more than enough to deal with at that time so I couldn't speak to her.

I used to say that WH's family were like a cross between the Waltons and the Mafia! Blood is definitely thicker than water with them. During the A I had 1 phone call from WH's older sister, a few visits from his younger sis - with the prem baby and heard nothing from his brothers. I tried to keep in contact with the "outlaws", visited WH's mum on her birthday and invited FIL round for coffee on the few occasions he gave DD's a lift but he always said no. And have heard nothing from any of them in the month that WH has been home.

During WH's A, people who knew the family would ALWAYS say to me, "well at least you haven't got to deal with the family anymore!" I don't know how to describe them as a whole, I don't know anyone else like them!

One way or another, they all enabled WH's A and this is something that I am finding hard to forgive but that's for another time. WH and DD's are my priority, I have to get "US" back on track before I can think about them.

Hi Tarnsy,

You wrote : [/i] Funny thing is (well, not funny really) but SIL has just taken over from OW as financial controller so I'm sitting here thinking what a terrible job OW must have been doing and can't say anything about it as I know WH will just defend her. Who knows, it could even be her "parting shot" at WH.

You know in a odd way this may be a good thing if it was her "parting shot" or if she did run the company finances into the ground it may help remove the veil from your hubby's eyes so to speak, he may see her as she really is.

I really hope your hubby can turn his business around, but, it will be no thanks to her and that is a good thing.

And you are right your main concern is your family,, your DD's and hubby.

F26

sorry to come into this a couple of days late'

In my opinion, I would jsut ignore the FAcebook thing for now. His ister is an idiot for having OW as a frind ont ehre - but that is not your WH's fault.

I would imagine that if you confronted her about it, she would say something stupid like "I am just trying to keep track of her! I am going to pretend to be her friend, just so I know what she is up to" and that would just make you mad too, so I would just stay away from that SIL for now.

and I would not confront WH about your SIL's friend list right now either. it sounds like your WH has got so way too msuh tress right now.

That is just my opionion, others may disagree with me. But your WH sounds like he is at his breaking point, and doesn't need to hear about how stupid his sister is just yet.

What about the NC letter? What happened with that?

Hang in there Tarnsy.

Hi WoF5,


I am glad you said that. I completely agree, WH said today in an email that he feels like crawling into a dark place and crying. I'm pretty sure that it is mostly because of the stress he is under with his business but there is probably some W in there as well. I do not want to pressure him further - I am just doing my best to support him and to make life at home as comfortable and stress free as possible.


Well, I have it, still unchanged but I haven't asked him to alter it for the same reason as above. I haven't forgotten about it and will broach the subject with WH on Sunday as we are going to an all day pool party on Saturday which will hopefully raise WH's spirits a little. He may be a little more receptive then.

This trouble with the business couldn't have come at a worse time. It is obvious that WH is depressed so I feel unable to talk about any R issues with him, he has so much on his plate at the moment that I don't want to add to his worries. Also, who knows how long all this is going to go on for, at the mo there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure WH would have been more on board by now if it wasn't for this.

Be very, very careful here. Do not make excuses for him. You can love him, and support him. but do not make excuses for him.

a couple fo things to consider:

1. The problems with his business did not just come at a bad time. This trouble is the result of his A. While he was in the middle of his A, he was acting like an insane person to you, and I am sure he was not taking care of his business very well. So you can be sympathetic to him, and I certainly would not tell him that this is all his fault - but I am afrid that this really is all his fault. and I think he knows that. He made some really bad choices in his life, and it effects everything. There is a ripple effect here. so let him figure this stuff out, and work himself out of the pit.

2. If this business fails, it will be a huge blow to his ego. But it would not be such a bad thing. If it finally goes under, you two will finally be free to move away from that mess. You certainly would not do anything to encourage the failure of the buiness - but I would not spend much time worrying about it.

I think right now your hubby is seeing that all his chickens have come home to rooste as they say.

He does sound depressed, and right now I think you need to love him and support him, he knows he screwed up, he knows that he is the one that created this mess and he needs to clean it up.

I would say that right now is a critical time for both of you, and it always seemed unfair to me that we the BS have to be the strong ones and be the ones to hold it together, but that is the way it seems to be.

I don't know if I am expressing what I want to say in the right way but here goes what I think,, Now you have to be stronger then ever, you have to show your husband unconditional love, you have to be there for him and be the one person he can lean on, be the light house so to speak...

Tarnsy!!! we need an update.
How are you doing my friend!

Bump for Tarnsy,,, where are you girl? I miss you

Sorry WoF and F26!

Have lurked a couple of times and must have missed your posts as I only tend to look at the first page! That will teach me! lol.

Not a lot is happening here, at least not with R, just plodding along. Unfortunately WH's business folded this week so he has been busy sorting out things. The good news is that WH and his other siblings are going to start all over again having learnt from past mistakes. I keep hearing how most entrepreneurs (sp?) have at least one failed business behind them! So hopefully WH will achieve the success he deserves as I can't fault his work ethic, even whilst in the midst of the fog!

I can't say much at the mo as WH is hovering around so will update in the week.

I will say tho that he is in the middle of preparing us all a lovely dinner and then DD's are both out at different events for the evening. WH suggested that we celebrate his coming home tonight (better late then never!) and brought home a bottle of champagne left over from his company's showroom opening which we shall enjoy with some (pretend) caviar and stawberries and cream!

Have had a couple of down days this week but will tell you about those when there is no one else around!

Thx for your concern!

Hi Tarnsy I am glsd you are doing ok,, sorry to hear about the business closing but like you said perhaps they can build anew.

Sound like hubby is at least trying,, champaine and strawberries!!!

F-26

Hi F26,

Sorry for not updating sooner but have had trouble getting an internet connection ever since our new greyhound decided to chew through a cable when we were all out the other day!

Well I will try to remember what I was referring to in my last post - btw, dinner and champagne and strawberries was lovely and was made better by the SF that followed! Anyway, I think what was bothering me was thoughts of OW. During the A she never really took up alot of my thoughts but since WH has returned I find myself wondering if WH is comparing me to her in everything I do. I think it started when WH were having a talk sometime ago and he said something along the lines of "you and OW are nothing alike". I'm sure that he still only see's her good points - whatever they maybe - and can't recognise that she played any part in the breakup of our M. WH is still convinced that we would have split up anyway. I know that I can't educate him about this but I feel that we won't be able to begin to R unless he can accept her part in it. Any advice on how to get over this stumbling block would be much appreciated.

I had a bit of a meltdown last Sunday. I was premenstrual so that didn't help and there was an incident with DD9 that upset me and was the straw that broke the camels back. I ended up going upstairs to my room for a good cry, something I haven't done for about a year, but couldn't stop when I realised that WH wasn't coming to see if I was ok. I was really feeling fed up and was ready to just give up and tell WH to leave but I just got it out of my system and kept quiet.

I did tell WH that it upset me that he didn't come to ask if I was ok and that a cuddle would have helped at that point, I shall just have to wait and see if he took it onboard if and when there is a next time.

Another reason I am wondering if this is going to work is that because WH's business has collapsed and the subsequent decision by WH and his siblings to start another business is that WH now has even less time to devote to our R. I knew that most of the work would fall to me but it seems that WH has so much to do and will have for a long time to come that by the time he does engage in this I will have given up. I keep asking myself if I have the energy or the patience to hang around.

On a good note, WH and I started a beginners class in Ballroom dancing last week, we had our second class last night. I have been dancing since I was 13 and had often asked WH to join me but he always had an excuse not to. Funnily enough, he seems to be a natural and is enjoying the experience. It is good as you get to be up close together, have a laugh and work up a bit of a sweat. Plus, it gives me hope that WH is at least willing to do something that he never would before and I have to keep reminding myself that he is making an effort in some areas.

We also went to see a film together (does that count for UA time?) as our eldest turned 15 last week and had a few friends here for a sleepover and we wanted to give them some space and show that we trusted DD15 to not wreck the house lol! We stopped off at a bar on the way home but for some reason I couldn't relax. I think it's because I'm always on the lookout for OW, wondering if we are going to bump into her or one of her friends. I hate that I can't relax and enjoy myself when I am out my H because of that b*&@$!! I hope she is still planning to go to Dubai, my head will be in a better place with a few thousand miles between us.

Oh and WH really annoyed me at one point when we were out. We had just walked into the pub and went straight to the bar. WH ordered our drinks and the barmaid said "hello D*****, how are you?". WH just replied with fine thanks and no more was said. When we moved away from the bar I asked WH who she was and he said she was a girlfriend from his school days. Thats fine but I had to ask WH why didn't you introduce your wife then? His answer was sorry, I didn't think. WTF!! How does he think I am ever going to feel secure with him if he doesn't even do something as simple as introduce me? Doesn't he get that if he speaks to someone I don't know that I am going to be wondering who the h3ll they are? He has had nearly 2 years of living a completely separate life to mine and has probably met lots of OW's friends and family, I need to know as soon as we meet someone who they are and where he knows them from.

I am getting angry just writing this all out, and this is just the start of R! Man, I really don't know if I am willing or able to put myself through this. Being on my own for so long has made me a little selfish I think, it was definitely a much simpler, easier life. In R I have to think about WH in everything I do but it seems that WH doesn't have to do the same.

Sorry for the rant, I needed to get that off my chest. I'd better sign off as my connection is very weak.

Thx

Hi Tarnsy,, Glad your back,, I had a grey hound about 30 years ago (Man I'm getting old LOL). He was a retired racer and I adopted him. I can still remember how he never could use the stairs right.

I think what you are going through is pretty normal(unfortantly).

I went through the same things. It was like the OW was under every rock and behind every tree. Even now when we go to the area where FOW lives and works I have to really make a consious effort not to look for her.

The thought of him comparing me to her in everything drove me crazy. I felt as like I had to be perfect all the time, that if I screwed up in the least he would go back. It was nuts.

I found going to IC really helped me and also my therapist felt I was obessive in my thought process (can't imagine why? LOL) so he put me on AD's and that has helped me alot.

I think you and you hubby are doing pretty well, the dance class is awesome. You guys are going out together and that's great.

It going to take a lot of time for you both to heal and to reconnect. I do know how you feel about wondering if it is even worth it and if you are strong enough to do it. I can remember at one time looking at him sitting on the couch watching TV and thinking "I waited eight months for that".

You know like everyone says there are going to be good days and bad but I found that the good out weighed the bad so I stayed and just kept keeping on and today almost 4.5 years later I am very glad I did, he is my best friend and I love him so much.

One thing you seem to have in your favor that I did not for along time is your hubby has cut his ties with the FOW, mine sat on the fence for along time until I finally had enough and quit being such a chicken poop, and stood up to him. (It wasn't physical, occassional phone calls etc on her end and he would't put a stop to it, didn't want to hurt her WTF? )

How are you DD's ajusting to dad being home?

Anyway enough rambling, please keep us posted F-26

Hi F26,

Our greyhound is a retired racer. I got her for DD's 9th birthday as she had been asking for another dog for months but as I am home a lot she has become my shadow. Unfortunately she has started to suffer with separation anxiety whenever I go out so I always come home to a puddle or two and something chewed to shreds! We are planning to get her a cage as this is supposed to help cure the problem but I can't help feeling a little a cruel at the thought of having to lock her up!


This is exactly how I feel! Probably irrational and definitely not healthy but how do you get over this?

WH and I were watching a programme last night about a real family that had cameras in the house watching their every move and in it there was an issue with one of the teenage D's that caused an arguement between the Mum and Dad. I mentioned that we have yet to go through those sort of things with our DD's and that I was scared that if/when it happened WH would say "is this what I've come home to?". I know - it's a dj - but to be fair, WH has already said this when DD's were acting out.

I guess what it boils down to is that I no longer feel safe that WH will be here come what may, that the normal things that all families go through will be enough for him to throw in the towel.


Overall the girls have adjusted really well to their dad being home, in fact it's almost like he's never been away until he asks them to do something that they don't want to and then there can be a comment along the lines of "it was better when you weren't here". I have addressed this with DD's and told them that it's hurtful to both WH and myself for them to say those sort of things. WH has always been the stricter parent and DD15 especially was concerned that WH would be always on at her to clean her room, do homework, make her go to bed early but he hasn't been around enough for it to be an issue although that could change of course!

It is WH's birthday today and I am finding it a bit of a trigger as last year was his 40th and he spent this "milestone" birthday with OW. I can't help feeling sad that I wasn't able to spend that special day with him plus I know that the ho took him to see a West End show - Fiddler on the Roof - probably his favourite - and paid for them to spend the night in a top London hotel. I cannot compete with that. He will have to make do with the DVD boxset of one of his favourite TV series. Hey, at least I know he doen't want me for my money!

We have a wedding to go to tomorrow, the girls are having the day off school as we are invited to the whole ceremony but WH is only invited to the evening reception as we were still separated when the invitations went out. It will be a little weird as it is at the same hotel were WH and I had our wedding reception and spent our wedding night. It has changed alot in the 18 years since then but I'm sure it will bring back alot of memories - good ones hopefully!

This is getting a bit long (again!) but I must just add that I am still finding it difficult to do this when all WH's time and energy is focused on the foreclosing of his business and the start up of the new company. I know he is stressed about these things and that they have to be done, but as I said to WH last night, I'm concerned that by the time he has the time/energy/inclination to participate in R and do the things we need to do, I will be long gone.

We went to bed after this convo and WH initiated SF. Is that his way of showing love although he still doesn't feel it, or is he using SF to keep me quiet? I just don't know his motivations for anything anymore.

Thx F26 for keeping up with me and taking the time to read my long winded posts. I put it all here as no-one IRL can really understand why I am willing to try again with WH.

Tarnsy

Hey Tarnsey,, first (((hugs my friend)))

I guess what it boils down to is that I no longer feel safe that WH will be here come what may, that the normal things that all families go through will be enough for him to throw in the towel.

I still feel that way sometimes, granted less now then early on, but, that old " It's you and me agaist the world baby, no matter what" is gone. Perhaps there never was any certainty before and it was an illusion, but darn I believed in it and perhaps for me that is the saddest thing in all of this is that the innocence is gone, it has been shattered and can you get that back??

Oh don't get me wrong my marriage today is soooo much better then it has been in forever, and I really like the person I have become and I like the person hubby has become, but it came at a high price.

IMVHO I think right now you just have to supportive of your husband in his business dealings and try to be his friend, his sounding board, his soft place to land and then I think R will come.

As far the SF, in my case that is my hubbies biggest love language, being physical and perhaps your FWH is the same. I feel he is trying to reconnect with you. I think it may be his way of reassuring you.

I am glad the girls are doing good.

And ps about the cage, again just my opinion it is better for the dog to be safely enclosed in a cage while you are not home then for him / her to be destructive and eat something that will make it sick or bite into that lamp cord and get the shock of it's life..

F-26 pss you have no idea how much your post have helped me too.

F26, that means alot to me but I have no idea how!! You, OTH, have given me so much hope that WH and I can R our M and make it better than before. I hope to be in your shoes one day.

I am definitely trying to just support WH in his business activities but I get impatient easily (NOT a good trait of mine!) and it is difficult not to lose hope when WH says that he doesn't have the time to think about "us". I'm sure this is true and I need to remind WH that I need him to check in with me during the day not just to let me know that he is going to be late, but to tell me that he is thinking of me.

I think part of it is that he works with both of his Bro's and knowing them they would make some snidey remark about "checking in with the wife". I could be wrong but WH has always been concerned about his families opinion on all kinds of things.

As for the SF, I hope you are right that this is WH's main love language. I will have to look out for that book as I have seen it mentioned here before.

I will take your advice about the cage, I guess we were lucky that she didn't hurt herself when she chewed thru the cable the other day, altho she hasn't been here long she would be more sorely missed as she is so affectionate, if a bit stupid!!lol

Tarnsy,I've followed your story with much interest as my WH started his affair in Nov '06 and moved out Dec....he is still with OW and he has filed for divorce though.My question to you is...did your husband worry about what your family and friends would think of him and how he would be able to face them again when he came back home..?

Hi H&P,

Sorry to hear that your WH has filed, I remember seeing your story when I first came here, I will have to catch up.

In answer to your question, I really will have to ask WH. From my POV tho, I don't think he gave it much thought but I could be wrong. I say that because I asked WH to apologise to my parents a couple of days ago and he asked "what for?"!!!

We had just watched the infidelity video here on this site (I don't think it made much of an impact on WH)and we talked about it for a bit. When he asked what he had to apologise for I replied that he had nearly destroyed their daughter and had caused the breakup of their grandchildrens family and they had been there to pick up the pieces. I asked him how he would feel if his D's husband had done what he had done, would he not be upset and angry with the WS? This was the first time that I saw a light go on in WH's head, what I had said obviuosly had some sort of effect, in fact, he then said "I'm gonna go and have a shower, my head has turned to mush".

We haven't spoken about it since, too many work issues going on for WH at the mo but I will definitely ask WH if he had any concerns about how my family would react to his return. He only really has my parents to worry about tho as I am an only child so no siblings to drag him over the coals lol! It was WH's b/day yesterday and he received cards from all my aunties and my nan so they are a pretty forgiving lot!

Well, must dash, have a wedding to go to and gotta make myself look gorgeous, it takes a while lol!