My W of going on seven years told me the other day that it was over. We have two kids together and at first I had her convinced to try a seperation and not do anything drastic. After a week she kept pushing for me to tell her what was on my mind and finally I did and that spun into a huge fight and now she says she is done. Why can I not just except that and move on. Everytime I take a step into that direction like switching the bank accounts she gets pissed and its like she really doesnt want to end it. It seems like she doesnt know what she wants but when I try to talk to her she goes into a defensive mode and says I'm done. What do I need to do I need some advise from some people who have been in my shoes. I really believe that their isn't anyone else but its absolutly killing me. I've made the changes she said bothered her in the past but its not good enough. Please help me

Print off the LB questionnaire for the wives and go over it. Make sure there isn't anything you might have missed that's still ticking her off.

Then print off the EN questionnaire. You can see if she'll fill it out, but if she won't, you fill it out for her and start fulfilling her emotional needs.

Try to spend quality time with her each day - even if it's just 10-15 minutes, asking about her day and asking her if she needs anything from you.

Help her around the house. Ask if you can help with things. Spend time with your children.

If you don't want to get a divorce, don't start making moves towards one. Stick to your core beliefs, tell her you believe in the marriage and believe you can have a stronger marriage than ever if you both work on it.

Fighting is addictive. Learn to walk away when her voice gets out of control. Explain to her that you won't be fighting with her anymore but do want to discuss the issue after she calms down. Walk away into another room. If she follows room by room, go for a walk or take a quiet drive somewhere, giving her some time to calm down. Things are often said in arguments that are nonproductive,so don't allow yourself to get sucked in. Always bring the subject up afterwards calmly so that she knows you aren't avoiding the issue. Rinse and repeat.

HBC, I am sorry you are here. Why does she want a separation? Are you sure there is no one else? Have you done some snooping to find out?

I have done all of this I try to spend little amounts of time with her with out smothering her. I have checked on a few things where I know to look but I really do believe her. I have freinds that have told me things but when asked she always says nothing has ever happened. I'm a military cop so the rumors fly like crazy around here. The only reason I switched my account is that I have heard all the horror stories about the W taking all the money. And that has always been a big argument fuel is the money so I figured split it up and that would be less drama. Now I am raising my kids while she stays at a girlfriend's house the stress is about to kill me. Last night she told me that she was sorry that it took this for me to see what I had to change in my own life but she said she had been working on this for a long time. But how can you work on something without telling the other person that it is such a problem. The house stays clean she still wants to hang out and make dinner everynight and then leave when the kids go to bed. If her mind is made up and she is truley done why is she still hanging around.

"Last night she told me that she was sorry that it took this for me to see what I had to change in my own life but she said she had been working on this for a long time."

Well, that's fine; she's stating that you needed to make some changes and in this statement is basically letting you know that she has noticed those changes.

What you need to do is tell her she's right. That you made some mistakes and don't want to be that person anymore. You are fortunate in that she's coming home every night, even if it's for the kids, because it gives you an opportunity to reaffirm your changes and make home seem as cozy and wonderful as possible.

In the meantime, you need to get your sleep, eat well, and try to fill the space in between with pleasurable past times that don't cause you to step outside your marriage vows.

You might consider talking to her about marriage counseling. Have you tried doing that yet?

Soolee,

Yes I have asked her several times she did this before back in May. We tried going to counseling and things were going great but due to my career we had to constently fight to make it to the appointments. And finally it just got put on the back burner.
She said heself it was getting better while we were in counseling but went downhill when we stopped. I told her we need to keep trying and see it all the way to the end but she says no. During all of this I still didnt see the problems I needed to fix but now that I have basicly hit rock bottom I have made those changes and I'm still fixing some now. Back in May when she told me the first time I was in school for my career doing something I've always wanted to do and she knew how much I wanted it also. As soon as she called I dropped out of the school and rushed home to fix it she should see something in that to tell her how serious I am to save our family. And I will never step outside my vows until that last second when the gavel hits the desk I wont give up. But there is a chance I could be having to leave in the future and I'm worried of what that might do with a 6 month seperation of me not even close to her.

What is your career, and have you asked her if it's your career that could be part of her issues?

Military cop and no thats not really any of our issue's as far as I know. But its like today was her day to stay with the kids and I have to find somewhere to stay. She called to ask what time my sons football game starts. I kept it cival but I was in a resturant with friends and she was like hope you have fun partying it up it sounds like your haveing a blast. She doesn't even know what I was doing and why does she even care. Then about 1200 AM she called and was telling me my kids were puking and my son might not be able to play in his game. I understand that kids are sick is something I want to know about but why call at midnight for something that simple. It could have waited until morning. On top of that she called at 6:45 this morning telling me he was better but she wanted pedialite for my youngest. If you tell someone you dont want them anymore and you can do everything on your own then why call all the time when you need help or when it gets a little crazy. This isn't the first time the W has called to come do something she needed help with but put the shoe on the other foot and she wont entertain the fact of what I need.

Sounds like there is another man in the picture somewhere. I would do some checking. It is very unusual for a mother to leave her children, unless she is having an affair.

That is why she is acting so undecided. She wants the benefits of marriage to you, but is most likely involved with another man.

thats what everyone keeps saying but I dont know how to figure all that out with out spending everything I have on a PI or something. I've asked but she gets pissed and denies it everytime.

They always deny it. Asking is a waste of time. Do you have access to her cell phone bill? If you see 200 calls to one number, then you have your answer.

tried that didn't have one just jump out at me

Okay, well think about it. An affair usually starts as a friendship, and it is often someone at work, a neighbor, a friend of a friend, an old flame, someone she deals with in sports with your kids.

Has she mentioned any man?

Their is a OM who she works with that is supossed to be her basically best freind. And I have asked her directly about him and she said no. Thats the one she keeps saying do you think I would do that with him. And she says she doesn't even think of him as a man.

BINGO, it's probably him. The thing is, your wife most likely wasn't thinking of having an affair, she just was friends with him. Then he started meeting some of her emotional needs, and VOILA, an affair.

Your job is to try to get proof of the affair, so you can expose it. But don't let her know you are checking on things.

Is he married?

Also, I hope you have read all about Plan A. That is the starting point here. You want to stop any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgements. Be friendly to her in your emails and talks. Be attractive, confident, and fun. Show her that you are the better alternative.

She loved you when you married. Show her that man again.

Thats all well and good but how in the world do i do that i cant figure out anything and noone is talking if they do know anything. I cant get emails and I cant see anything on phone records. Any idea's would help

Personally, I would assume there is an affair and go to Plan A.

Waywards get sloppy, and the truth will come out. Don't ask her or accuse her. Just me your old sweet self, and give her a chance to let her guard down.

Alright I will try that but I still have to trust until there is something that comesout. I am a strong beleiver in trust but verify