More like "you are always in my face" and "you are home too much"

I guess I just need to spend more time away from the house and when I am here keep my distance and hopefully she will come around. Pretty painful though.....

Get out of her face.
Don't follow her around.
Don't tell her incessantly that you love her, she looks nice, etc. hoping for your kindness to be reciprocated.

DO stay in your own home as much as you like and keep improving yourself. Fix up the house, clean the house, read a good book.

AC,

OK, there is a spin off of plan A called 180, where you acknowledge her presence with a nod and a smile, then continue on with what you are doing.

You care for her, but have your own life to lead.

On the new Boston Legal (of all things) the other night, James Spader's character was talking of a previous relationship and said "in every relationship, there is one person that loves the other more and he was that person."

This struck me as sooo true. In your case right now maybe you are that person. It sounds like prior to your epiphany, your wife was that person.

Try to remember the way you were when you were courting your wife. Your confidence, good naturedness (?), manly quality, whatever it was that won fair maiden.

Woosey, teary eyed, whiny, spineless, clingy, etc, etc, IS NOT ATTRACTIVE!!!

You do not need to stalk her! Don't go out of your way to stay away from the house, but treat her with maybe a little indifference. Treat her with warmth and affection.

Actions speak louder than a bunch of words.

IMHO

kirk

I don't think that's the answer. You just need to be more "skillful" in being around her.

I think your wife potentially having/had an A or just being a spouse who has "given up" trying are equally probable explanations for her behavior as you have described it. So you should continue to monitor things to determine if an A is the problem.

But, in the interim, you should work on your skills. You should continue read around here. While plan A is expressly for getting a WS to end an A, I think a lot of the principles behind it should work in your situation.

It sounds a little like your wife doesn't want to talk about things, so you are probably going to have to try and guess what her most important EN's are. Once you do, set about meeting those. Do it subtly and not over the top. People tend to view dramatic changes as being insincere. One meaningful compliment a day will carry more weight than 10 other off the shelf ones. And when you meet an EN, don't stand around waiting for her to reciprocate. Just do it and be own your way.

No relationship talk, work on yourself, be attractive.

What do you think her top EN's are? If you can guess that, I'm sure people would have some good tips on how to meet that EN.

Ditto what many have said here
YOU do not need to spend more time out of YOUR house. If she needs alone time, she can go sit in her car and have it.

Let HER figure out how the family, and home, are going to be disrupted so she can have her alone time. You keep on working from your office, doing your thing. she also wants time away from the kids - how is she supposed to get that, if you are not there to take care of the kids??

You need to do a quick "180" and start acting "180 degress" different from how you have been these past few months. When I say stop being clingy - I mean stop. No more putting your arm around her, rubbing her back, trying to hold her. Just stop. After about 2 days of that she will wonder what is up - and then you will be in a far better position. If you continue to try to force her affection, you will end up getting even less. Just stop. this won't last forever.

Stop saying "I love you" and "you are special to me". Just stop. she knows how you feel. for now, you need to show her that you are not going be the smae person you have been these past few months.

The other posters, who are wondering if perhaps there is more going on wtih the Dr than you realize, are onto something, for sure. There could also be someone new at the office, that she hasn't told you about, becasue "she thinks you will jump to conclusions" (I really hope this is not an A - but ALL signs still point to it!!!)

I would not encourage her to get involved in some activity outside of the home right now. Do not suggest that she take a class, becuase that would further open the door to building relationships outside of your M. She is just too vulnerable right now. I would suggest that you do your own thing, and quit trying to engage her. Don't be rude or stand-offish. Just work in your office when you need to, watch TV when you want to, read a book. If she gets up to walk out of a room, don't ask her where she is going. Just do your own thing. But do NOT, under any circumstance, move out, leave, or try to be away from your home. You are not the one who wants your space. Stay there and be the rock your children need.

Well maybe I'm just different, but one think that leaped out at me was when you said she enjoyed the flowers, etc. you were doing for her...if I was having an A the last thing I'd want is my husband to give me flowers. That tells me she may not be there yet, it could be that everyone is just reading something in to this because of their experience. She may truly just be fed up, and shutting down, that's not good, but it can be turned around. She is vulnerable to an A though, so be vigilant. Too bad those of us who are affectionate and like sex have to tone it down to accommodate those who aren't and don't but my guess is once things improve in your marriage she may become more willing. Right now she just needs to see you demonstrate that you value her...to show her that, you need to heed what she's telling you unless it is detrimental to your M. I would get some expert advice here on how to handle this as it is a very crucial stage in your M, things could go either way, depending upon how it's handled. Would she be open to a phone session with the Harleys?

Yeah, 180 would be the perfect thing to do right now.

Youre right, it doesn't SEEM to be an affair going right now, but you never know. THe recorder and keylogger should be the first two things you do.


Don't bother with the I love yous. Thats NOT what she wants to hear right now. She already has told you that she's not returning those feelings at this point. Youre just setting yourself up for a beatin.

180 if the right way to go right now.