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Posts: 258
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Hi Ms,,
I don't think anyone here is accusing of being a cheater.
I think people here are just warning you of where this relationship could go.
I don't think many people wake up and say "Today I think I'll go have an affair" I feel it is a very slippery slope and sometimes you can get in way over your head fast. And rememeber satan's biggest trick is deception, just when you think "that'll never happen to me", or "I would never do that" look out.
Hey we just don't want to be like Jimmy Waynes new song "So do you believe me now?"
Take care Ms,, F 26
Me BS 46
FWH 50
married 29 years
seperated 6/03 (FWH lived with OW)
came home 2/04 many broken NC's, many false recoverys
But!! In full recovery now and for the most part doing great!
Ps 3 grown children and 2 awesome grands!
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 558
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-- I am not adulterous -- never have been; never will. I am separated but still married and until the ink is dry on the divorce papers I will not date or engage in a relationship with another man.
-- My husband works with mostly females and I know he has friendships with them. It has never been an issue with us and quite honestly, I don't think he gives a flying fart what I am doing with my life right now anyway. Regardless of what anyone here thinks, I'm not a cheater.
We all as humans 'need' the emotional support and when we are not getting it from our spouses, unknowingly turn to the closes person that will listen to our marriage problems, etc, that will give us the emotional support that we need.
My H has a sister, numerous sisters-in-laws, Aunts, female cousins, etc but turned to a female co-worker for his emotional needs that he was not getting in our marriage, discussing our marriage and it went way beyond "we're just friends" to an EA during the year that he was 'sharing' his emotions and problems with her.
It's a very slippery slope when you have a 'friendship' with a member of the opposite sex that is not strickly business.
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,639
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I don't even know why I am posting here because it will just incite more anger in my direction but here it goes:
-- I have no male relatives that I can rely on for advice; my Dad is a mess on a daily basis and is not exactly a poster child for good marriages. My guy friend at work is the closest thing to a brother I've got.
-- I am in a support group that is mixed gender but you have to sign a contract not to get involved in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. So there are other men who know about my marital issues.
-- I read the Bible a lot on my own and participate in an all women's bible study and an all women's group that are doing another christian book study.
-- My guy friend at work and I have been friends for years now and me and some other female friends supported him throughout his divorce -- when I was with my H -- who knew about this guy's situation.
-- My guy friend is now in a relationship with another woman and I am very excited that he has met a nice lady to possibly share his life with.
-- I don't eat lunch with him by myself -- we have a lunch group that support each other through a lot of life challenges (runaway children, cancer stricken parents, separations, divorces, etc.)
-- He and I do not see each other after work in any social engagements alone or otherwise.
-- We do not do Bible studies together. When we see scripture that may help each other, then we share it with the other. Scriptures about patience, holding the tongue, prayer, faith, marriage, etc.
-- I am not adulterous -- never have been; never will. I am separated but still married and until the ink is dry on the divorce papers I will not date or engage in a relationship with another man.
-- My husband works with mostly females and I know he has friendships with them. It has never been an issue with us and quite honestly, I don't think he gives a flying fart what I am doing with my life right now anyway. Regardless of what anyone here thinks, I'm not a cheater.
-- I am not a "Bible thumper" where I've found God and God wants me to be married to my H due to fate. God has been there all along and I chose not to foster that relationship until now. I know I've sinned and asked God for forgiveness and I do that each night because I know what I've done to my H. I also understand that just because I have repented does not mean that God will take away the earthly consequences of those actions. So I pray for the wisdom to change and I pray that God will soften my husband's heart toward me.
-- I have a lot of people praying for me, my H and our marriage. And yes, those people know the things I've done. Friends and family don't want either me or my H to hurt.
I am very sorry to hear that many of male-female relationships have turned into affairs and those affairs destroy marriages. I don't believe that anything would justify an affair.
I am also very sorry to hear that the Christian God has been used to justify affairs. I know of some folks whose wayward spouses have used that excuse and it is terrible and insulting to the Christian faith.
I wish I could share the things I am learning with my H and I would love if we could go to church together. That is not something he has been interested in the past nor is interested in doing now.
Okay Gang -- I've got my armor on -- let me have it . . . Ok, I'm not here to "beat you up", so I hope that you'll read what I have to say with open eyes and an open mind, and REALLY think about it. Male/Female friendships are NEVER appropriate....and by that I don't mean coworker-type situations. It's not appropriate for you to confide in someone of the opposite sex (outside of relatives or therapists). Here's why - based on the MB principles (which is what this site is based on and what we believe). EVERYONE is vulnerable to an affair, ESPECIALLY those that believe they AREN'T vulnerable, or "would never do that" (as you stated). Confiding in someone of the opposite sex IS AN AFFAIR - it's called an EMOTIONAL AFFAIR, and by doing that you're treading on dangerous ground. It's a slippery slope - you're talking to someone who understands, and before you realize it (and certainly without you intending it), you develop feelings for each other. My FWH had this kind of affair. He admitted there was an attraction at first, but their relationship started out platonic, then developed to cyber sex. Even though she lived several states away (saw each other in person twice) and they never had a PA, I'm equally devastated. Again, I'm not bashing you, I'm being honest with you. PLEASE consider what I've said, and if you haven't already, read "Surviving An Affair" - or at least watch the video on the home page of this site - you'll see Harley discuss why this type of "friendship" you're having is NOT appropriate.
Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4
His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08
Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10
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Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
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-- I have no male relatives that I can rely on for advice; my Dad is a mess on a daily basis and is not exactly a poster child for good marriages. My guy friend at work is the closest thing to a brother I've got. You don't need a brother, father, or other male to give you advice. Just because you are looking for marriage advice does not mean that you need to get it from a male. In fact, I would argue that if you are really looking for advice that will help you to be the best wife, you need to find a mentor who has years of experience at being a good wife. Talking to a man about "what your H might be thinking" will not do you a bit of good. It may give you a temporary sense of relief when this man says "I am sure your H loves you, I would imagine that he is just thinking___) but in reality, that sort of thing will not help you to save your M. it is only a temporary sense of comfort. The only way to truly understand YOUR H, is by talking to YOUR H. Not some other "male perspective". I have come to understand, in the past few years, that it is 100% wrong to have a friendship with the opposite sex. My H and I , as a couple, are friends with other couples. But never a one on one relatiosnhip with the opposite sex. I used to say things like "I have male freinds, because I get along wtih them better. I don't like to talk about girly stuff. I like to talk about sports. that is why I have male friends" I have come to realize that in fact, the reason most women will have male friends, is because men have a way of making us feel good about ourselves. Even if they are not openly flirting with us - they still say things like "your H is a lucky man" Or - if I am having a great conersation wtih a guy about the football game last night, I KNOW that he is thinking to himself "this chick is cool - she really knows her sports" and that is why I get into those covnersations. I think if you really look at your motivation for talking to this man at work, you will start to realize that he makes you feel better about yourelf, and your M. You talk to him because it makes you feel better = feel good. Do you see where that would ultimatley lead?
Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003
Newly married to a wonderful man!
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 147
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Again, I'm not bashing you, I'm being honest with you. PLEASE consider what I've said, and if you haven't already, read "Surviving An Affair" - or at least watch the video on the home page of this site - you'll see Harley discuss why this type of "friendship" you're having is NOT appropriate. I have not had an opportunity to read or watch the video but I will do that at home tonight. Thank you for your care and concern.
Me: 32
H: 37 - left 4/3/08
No children
Married 9 years; together 12 years
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1)
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Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 147
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In fact, I would argue that if you are really looking for advice that will help you to be the best wife, you need to find a mentor who has years of experience at being a good wife. Can't think of any woman in my life that would fit the bill. Talking to a man about "what your H might be thinking" will not do you a bit of good. It may give you a temporary sense of relief when this man says "I am sure your H loves you, I would imagine that he is just thinking___) but in reality, that sort of thing will not help you to save your M. it is only a temporary sense of comfort. Well, my guy friend is pretty straight forward -- doesn't try to sugar coat the fact that I hurt my H and that my H is very angry with me. To me, women tend to sugar coat more than men. A female friend of mine: "Oh sweetie, I am sure he still loves you. . .he'll come back, I just know it." From my guy friend, "Yeah, you screwed up and hurt him. He doesn't want to be with you right now. You need to change your ways and demonstrate to him that you're changing from the inside out." The only way to truly understand YOUR H, is by talking to YOUR H. Not some other "male perspective". If I could get my H to talk about the relationship, sure, I would prefer his perspective to any other man's. Don't know if you've read my other thread but moving back home and working on the M is not a conversation my H wants to engage in. I have come to realize that in fact, the reason most women will have male friends, is because men have a way of making us feel good about ourselves. Even if they are not openly flirting with us - they still say things like "your H is a lucky man" Or - if I am having a great conersation wtih a guy about the football game last night, I KNOW that he is thinking to himself "this chick is cool - she really knows her sports" and that is why I get into those covnersations.
I think if you really look at your motivation for talking to this man at work, you will start to realize that he makes you feel better about yourelf, and your M. You talk to him because it makes you feel better = feel good. Do you see where that would ultimatley lead? Yes, you are right -- I do like talking to guys because ladies don't usually like to talk about football. Similarly, I like to talk about America's Got Talent, and politics and the state of the national economy. I talk to whomever (male or female) can intelligently carry on a conversation about these topics. I don't get into conversations with men just to get an ego boost. My guy friend does make me feel better by encouraging me not to give up hope on my H or my marriage. And when I weaken and feel like filing for divorce, my guy friend is the one who tells me not to destroy my marriage because I am impatient and angry. He tells me how it sucks to be divorced and to try to save my marriage at all costs. Most of my female friends including female relatives: you didn't do anything wrong, your H is a jerk, you can do better, cut bait. I can however see the dangers that you and the other posters describe. It is easy to become comfortable with a new man, especially one you can talk so freely with.
Me: 32
H: 37 - left 4/3/08
No children
Married 9 years; together 12 years
"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see." (Hebrews 11:1)
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