Four months ago today my husband had an affair with his co-worker. The affair began on an out of town business trip. They were together two nights. When they got home it became a text, instant messanger, e-mail affair because it was difficult with both their schedules to meet after busniness hours. I discovered a on his phone one morning and questioned him thinking he would never do that but the minute I ask I knew! He confessed to one night and six weeks later he finally admitted they were together two nights. He has cut out ALL contact unless it is absolutely nescessary and sometimes it will be. It is a small office. He tells me everyday what interaction he has with her. I truly believe he is committed but I am scared. I don't want him with her. I am sure it is fear, jealously and insecurtiy but I am dying inside everyday all day. Reality is he can't quit tomorrow but he is looking and hoping within the year. He says he has absolutely NO feelings for her. She was an object and avaiable when we were stuggling. It only lasted three weeks and he says it was misery because he knew it was wrong. He did lose 15 pounds in the month of May and his hair started to fall out. I do believe he was miserable in it.

However, I can't stand him working with her and I can't stand that he slept with another women. We were high school sweethearts and were each other's one and only that is the way God intended it. It was the most scared broken vow of marriage and I feel I will never be whole again. I was not enough and I need some help. He has confessed to his mom, dad and sister. They are amazing! The have supported us both, but I need to talk to someone outside our circle. I do not want this out so I have confided in NO one yet I long to talk with someone who has experienced this pain.

Sorry for rambling just needing to express

corinmay, your instincts are right about this and your fears are not from insecurity but from a rational FEAR. They can't work together anymore if you want to recover your marriage. An affair is a tempting addiction and your H will never withdraw unless all contact ends. He will be triggered every time he sees or speaks to her. You will be triggered every day he goes to work, as you can see.


This will not help the situation at all. It doesnt matter if he tells you. What matters is that he is triggered whenever he sees her.

He needs to leave the job.

Is the OW married? Have you contacted her H and told him about the affair?

Is your dying inside and your marriage breaking more and more every day worth it? He cannot quite tomorrow, it needed to be done today and supposed to be done yesterday.

Is the OW married? If so, her husband has to know.

You are not insecure, you have every reason to feel as you do. He needs to be 100% away from OW NOW if you want the M to recover. To do any less is to be extremely unfair to you and to your M!
You haven't said what your situation is, whether you have kids, if you work, if you're on the brink of bankruptcy, or what. WHY can't he get another job, are there other extenuating circumstances that prohibit it? If the two of you can both work and it comes to less than what he currently makes, can you survive on it? Can you put your house up for sale? You need to do something or you will lose your M.
I am sorry for what you are going through and that you have to deal with this. It's highly unfair and very painful. Good luck!

I wanted my WW to quit working with the OM, but they refused. Her IC told her that it was not a necessity for her to leave her job. Our MC refused to push on this and didn't think that it was a necessity. My IC told me that since she wasn't going to quit, what were my options.

My WW made an appearance of going through the motions of recovery, only she never invested anything in it. The lying to my face started up again at some point, only I didn't understand wayward behavior enough to recognize it. The relationship never ended, even if the "affair" behavior cooled off for a while.

Today I am signing the divorce papers.

My WxW agreed to look for a new job but draged her heels and was clearly not committed to do it. They work for the same company at different facilities about 60 miles apart.

21 days into withdrawal and NC there was a meeting at her facility and OM was there. That night she came home and although she told me about the contact and how good and professional they were in handling it, at the same time I could see she was back in total wayward mindset again.

She left 5-days later. She filed for divorce 3-weeks after that (one week after she found out OM’s BW had filed on him). The divorce was final four months later. They are still together.

He has to leave that place.

Corinmay,

My heart goes out to you. This is all still so new for you and you're feeling raw and vulnerable. Please continue to post here as you work on pulling your heart together. There are so many wonderful, generous people who've been through it already and are willing to hold you up while your world is spinning.

I'm sure YOU realize that what everyone is telling you is right on. He MUST get away from ANY connection to her. But HE has to buy into that, and therein lies the rub.

He probably has not allowed himself to fully acknowledge the pain he has inflicted, so her continued availability doesn't seem like a big deal to HIM. He may feel sure that it's over. And maybe it is. (Don't mean to upset you further, but are YOU sure it's over? Take steps on your own to find out. You need to know. If he's still involved in any way, the advice you get here will be very different, so it's important to know exactly what the reality is.)

Even if he is completely done, YOU can't feel safe as long as there's the remotest possibility that it could start up again. His working there will put a huge strain on you, and on your recovery. I lived that very thing for over a year and a half. We finally got away 4 months ago, but I ain't quite right yet. Not sure I ever will be. My H didn't want to leave his job. Said he could handle it. Problem was, I couldn't, and I wouldn't think you could either.

If he is as free of her as he tells you he is, he'd probably be willing to have a phone session or two with Steve Harley. Steve could be your best shot at getting him to understand quickly that HE must take extraordinary precautions to protect you. It's the very least he can do after hurting you so deeply.

I do hope your situation will resolve more quickly than mine. Each month damages your heart more. My prayers to you.

'All contact except' is still contact. You will never heal while the A is ongoing, and it will never stop while there is any C at all.

Been there, done that, sent the postcard. It doesn't work.

You need to Plan A at this point, and go very soon to Plan B if he doesn't work somewhere else.

Do they still work together?