I have a question that I have thought long and hard about posting here... mainly because I fear I am going to get out of here...

But, its been weighing on my mind for quite awhile... and has come up here, in the opposite context... so here it goes...

As many know, I am the FWW. Our recovery is now going well, and we are over 1 year in...

Anyways, OM was also married... no kids. As far as I know, his M didn't make it. His BW did not take all of what happened well at all (who does?), but actually ended up losing a ton of weight, and was in and out of the hospital shortly after D-day, ended up in a psych ward for a bit too.

I'm not sure if after the A was entirely over, if they ever reconciled. I know that she DID want him back and did her own version of busting up the A... I believe she sort of "gave up" and moved on before the A was actually over... but I really don't know for sure.

I guess I've spent a lot of time thinking about her over the past year, especially since I started posting here. I wish I could apologize to her. She was truly innocent and I ruined her life. I'm not sure if the apology would mean anything. Probably not, and I understand that. I do truly hope that she's moved on, is happy and healthy, but again, I don't know...

Anyways, I would have to do some "searching" to find her, and there is a possibility that her and OM got back together... who knows. I've had NC for over a year, so who knows what has happened since then.

Honestly, if I knew they had gotten back together, I would certainly not apologize, that would be opening a door for contact with OM-- which I can't do.

If they hadn't, I've thought about whether or not it would be worth it to apologize. I don't want to open old wounds with her, and I certainly don't expect her to forgive me-- I wouldn't forgive me if I was her!

I guess my question... for BWs...(esp those who's M didn't make it...) is... would you want an apology? Or would that be opening old wounds, ones you'd rather stay closed, and buried-- and not have to remember that part of your life? Would it "mean" anything at all?

Or am I being selfish and trying to unload my guilt by "apologizing" and re-opening old wounds of someone else? In that case, I'd just let it be. I haven't seen her, and she hasn't seen me for a very long time. As far as I know, she still lives in the same city, but again-- a lot could have happened in the past year.

I've thought about writing a letter, and just sending the letter... again, is that selfish? I fear that I am being selfish, and that it is my "duty" to carry this around, and that the apology would mean nothing and rip open old wounds, so I would be making things worse... certainly not my intention...

Just something that's been rattling around in my head for a long time...

I fully expect to be 100% :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: for this... swing away...

E.

EE,

""I've thought about writing a letter, and just sending the letter... again, is that selfish?""

In my very humble opinion, a very anonymous letter, that identifies you only as the OW would be appropriate no matter if the couple is together or not.

As for opening the old wound...THE WOUND IS STILL FRESH, GOSHDARN IT!!

It's only been a year correct? And she went psycho while the A was going on? Why the HE!! would you think it was an old wound?

Anyway, thinking if I would like a letter from the OM that relayed to me how terribly sorry he was, how it was the biggest mistake of his life, and he thinks about and regrets how injurious it was to all involved every day of his existence and how he has totally changed the life and emotional health of many people by dragging them down into his degraded level, then yeah, I guess it wouldn't hurt.

You should not rationalize it or make any excuse or dwell on any aspect of the affair EVER!!!!!!!

This letter is not about YOU!

People may disagree, and I might disagree with myself after thinking about this a little more.

If I did ever get the letter, I would not show it to my wife. That would open old wounds/memories. It would be between me and him.

IMHO

kirk

Not sure how I would make it anonymous. She knows exactly who I am... even if I only said I was the OW-- she'd know exactly who the letter was from.



Fair enough. I meant more just because I have no idea where she is in her life, what is going on... etc. For all I know, she may have remarried someone else in the past year! I'm sure no matter what, it still hurts her to look back on it, even if she has moved on (and I pray each night she has moved past the hurt, I really do...)


Oi. I can't rationalize what I did, nor can I make excuses, and I certainly don't even WANT to dwell. It was gross and disgusting-- all based on lies. There is no excuses or rationalizations. I've been around long enough to figure that much out

Thanks for the opinion,

E.

I think a letter would be a good idea. I think it is more likely to do good than harm.

E -

Can't speak for others but I would not want to receive a letter. I would feel that he was doing it only to ease his own guilty concious and I want OM to carry that [censored] around the rest of his life just like I have to carry around the pain of betrayal!! If OM didn't care about my family when he was sticking it to WW then why the he!! would he care now about my pain. It would only be about easing his own guilt which I want no part of. I can only pray that he feels the same sting of betrayal in his future. Eye for an eye! Can you feel my pain?

WW and I are headed toward D but I will always have the pain of this betrayal with me and the fact that WW and OM have robbed me and my family of our future. They robbed my DD's of their family. Eff them both!

MindShare

Cash, I'd want cash.

Every cent I spent on the divorce and what I lost in the divorce.

I could deal with that and I would even consider not eviscerating OM.

E,

I say don't send the letter. Especially since it has only been a year out. Maybe give it 4 more years......I too did not want a letter, but got the darn thing anyway, and it too was just way too painful. Also, it felt like to me that she wanted to release her guilt onto me....I did not need that....

They say in the 12 steps program (I'm not sure where since I've never done this but got this info from my counselor...) that you should apologize and make amends to those you have wronged UNLESS to do so would do more damage.

so I vote for no don't send it.....

Now, if you want to help yourself, you could still go ahead and write it, then throw it away or burn it.....

not2fun

Ahhh, it is fun to have this fantasy of OW apologizing to me. I am divorced and the affair ended shortly after the divorce, so it seems so darn pointless.

But what could she possibly say to make ANYTHING better?

Dear Jean,
I am sorry it has taken me so long to write this letter. I want you to know that my affair with your husband was doomed from the start. You see, the only think I could offer him was my eye batting, doe-eyed admiration. He always regretted leaving you since it soon became obvious that I was just a needy little turd with no substance.

He would cry at night, realizing his stupidity for leaving you, as you held the children's home together and I could just sit and flutter my eyes. Every time he would threaten to leave, I would flutter more, cry more and threaten to drink poison if he left me.

So he stayed and you did not curl up and die, he would have come home if you had, that is how I was keeping him. You held your head up and made the best life you could for your children. Once the divorce was final, I expected him to marry me so I could get my green card. He wouldn't though, he had no respect for my snivelling, eye batting anymore. Not when he had to see you being the strong woman that his children needed.

So there I sat, no green card marriage and he wasn't going to succumb to anymore of my whining. I left him in pursuit of a bigger chump.

With the fear of being deported and the slow realization of what I had done to you and your children, I have decided to sell myself into slavery. I will work in a barn shoveling manure for 20 hours a day. With my meager wages, I have set up college funds for your children as I realize that a single mother will be hard pressed to pay for college.

I realize that I will never be the woman you are, I only hope that this token will somehow make your life easier. I also hope that it lessens my guilt, since the affair, my hair has all fallen out and my skin is covered in large, pus-filled boils.

I hope you realize that the only reason your husband allowed the divorce to continue was due to his own guilt and feeling that he did not deserve anything other than a snivelling, pus filled whiner (as my hair fell out, I could not even bat my lashes anymore). I have enclosed the letters that he wrote you, professing his love and asking to come home (I broke into mailbox and removed letters - so now I am wanted for a federal offense of mail tampering).

I hope this gives you some comfort, I wish there was something I could do to erase this whole episode.

Jean, that was Sweeeeet!!

If Gollum ever trys to contact me by any method, he will be in a landfill by morning.

The only thing I'd ever want from the OW would be her kidneys in an envelope.

NC means NC. Affairs leave scars that itch - that's why they're a bad idea in the first place. Contacting the BW is just scratching that itch, nothing more. There is virtually NOTHING you could say that would make this woman feel better about the pain you inflicted on her. Jean's spoof letter just about sums it up.

The few letters of this type I've seen rarely manage to deal with the BS's pain. Instead, despite apparently good intentions, they tend to be about the OP's own feelings, and almost always contain an element of self-justification.

Leave this poor woman alone, and live with your guilt.

TA

""Leave this poor woman alone, and live with your guilt.""


As I thought, I am now disagreeing with myself.

And yes CASH, would be excellent!!

Or BOTH kidneys in an envelope!


These little guys are fun.

I vote for leaving the OW alone.

Instead,, concentrate on roping in your own marriage. See if you can continue to make your marriage a good one despite your own lying, manipulating, game playing and possibly... cheating..... husband.

I think you have your "punishment" happening every day having to live with a husband like you have...

You do not need to make amends, you are being punished every day.

ITA.

To me, it would be more like "hi, I'm still here in the wings, thinking about you and your DH", even though it would be an "apology" directed to me. There's NOTHING you could EVER say that would make the BW feel better. You have impacted her life FOREVER. She will FOREVER be mistrustful (or at least, less trustful) of other men because of what you and her WH put her through. I'm sure that on some level she will always be angry with you for driving her to that point. You have forever scarred her, and your words will only be hollow. Leave her alone. You reap what you sow, and I'm sorry but you deserve to forever feel guilty for what you did. Your attempt to apologize would only be for yourself. IMO, it wouldn't do her any good at all and you would just be invading her life ONCE AGAIN.

I don't want to misdirect my anger/resentment, but I really have a LOT of disdain for women like you that participate in affairs, so I'll end my comments there.

E

I am a BW whose M did not survive the A. My D will be final anyday now.

For me, I am working on personal recovery and moving forward. Having said that, an apology from my WH's OW would not be worth the paper it was written on...

Best of luck to you and your H in recovery.

Smartie

There are 2 pages of responses I haven't read yet but I don't want to colour my opinion with them so here goes.

I am a BW who's M didn't make it. I lost 30 pounds in 2 weeks - and I wasn't overweight to start with. My teenage son finally drove me into the clinic to get some ADs - I was that bad. Though I didn't end up in a psych ward, I saw several psychologists. I don't know for sure, but I think I was on a suicide watch for a time.

And the A was only the beginning. Discovering exactly what kind of creep my former-DH truly was was devestating and crippling. I didn't "sort of give up and move on." I eventually coped and did what was best for me - take the initiative and write the LSA giving me extensive financial bennefits and letting him out of the M (which he couldn't wait to sign).

I blame WstbxH for everything he has done - breaking his vows, cheating on me, stealing from me, lying to me and so on. He did those things they are his fault.

I blame OW for all of the above and then some. She didn't know me, yet she stepped into my life, took my H, took my money, took my furniture, took my wedding pictures and gifts and made them hers. In return, she infected me with all her diseases (no STDs that I'm aware of but whatever cooties her disgusting sex-craved s***y body was host to). And she even had the nerve to THINK about moving into MY HOUSE. As far as I'm concerned, she's the parasite that infects the scum draining out of the septic tank. She is the lowest creature to have slithered on this earth. I honestly can't say I would swerve were she to step in front of my car, except that I am sure that toxic waste would stain my paint. She IS the very definition of evil and gross.

If that *thing* should ever take it upon herself to contact me to deliver me my own mail, let alone an apology I would spit in her face and throw cat poo at her. Unfortunately, that it the most offensive thing I have in my possesion. She does not have the right to breath the same air as I do. I have no duty to forgive her and won't. She doesn't deserve it I don't care how "sorry" she is. She ruined my life. She did it willfully and intentionally. Don't tell me she didn't mean for ME to get hurt - she didn't give a rats @$$ who got hurt. She is the most horrible excuse for a human being and if she's sitting there wanting to clense her soul by apologizing to me, she can just keep sitting there. I can't think of anything that would offend me more than purposeful contact by that stupid $1*++y b!+c4.

I'll read the other replies now. I just wanted to get this out before I got mad.

Jean, you are awesome!!!!!!

And I would also accept cash and kidneys. Better yet, have her head delivered to me on a platter with mash potatoes and carrots. I'll feed it to my neighbours dog.

I think it would have to be a very short letter from my XW's OM and nothing about himself or how bad he felt, etc.

EX,

My affair with your wife was a sin against God, you, your family and your ex-wife. There is no excuse for my behavior, it was wrong and I apologize for the pain I've caused you and your child.

OM

Anything more than that and it's self-serving.

Eeyoree....
Whether they are together or not, you should send the letter to her.

As a BS, I would like to here from the OW that she was remorseful for what she did to me and my family. That she understands what she did was WRONG.

There are some things that you cannot rectify.

Do NOT send a letter. It will only make you feeel better.

You need to learn to live with your actions.