I am 29 years old, been married for 7.5 years and we have 2 young children; a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. I would say that my wife and I never had what could be described as a 'natural feeling' relationship. Things would seem a little tough for times, and loving ecah other always took a little bit of thought.

About 4 weeks ago my wife confronted me about several issues that she wanted me to work on for the sake of our marriage. For me that was an eye opening night as she was talking in terms of seperation and complete imcompatibility. That night we agreed to reconcile and I committed to do whatever I could to make the changes she was asking for.

However, less that 2 weeks later we were camping with a number of friends and the brother of another man that my wife had been building a friendship confronted me. He explained to me that my wife and his brother were at least dating at this point, That they talked for hours on the phone and internet and possible seeing each other behind my back.

I confronted her that night and she confessed to feeling a major personal and emotional connection to the OP and she wasn't willing to give it up. I got her to leave from camping with me. But 2 weeks later she officially asked me for a seperation.

She is now looking for a job so she can move out as soon as possible and I have since learnt that he will be moving in with her very shortly thereafter.

My thought is while I am still under the same roof with her to be her friend, be respectful and polite but try not to care what she does apart from things that effect the children.

Can anyone give me any advice? Is there a chance she may realise that she has made a mistake and want to reconcile or is that a pipe dream?

First thing the is to expose the affair to WW parents and siblings.

And read up the articles here.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that. I have told her parents and sibling about this. They have confronted her and she has completelly cut them all off. Talking to her it seems that all she wants is this new guy. Anybody that tries to talk her out of it she simply stops talking to them.

As for the articles on MB. I don't see anything that relates to WW that is the process of moving out. If there is one, can you please direct me to it.

What are her options without your financial aid?

Reading is not to find a match but to give the knowledge to deal with an affair.

Is OM married? Expose to OMW? OM parents.

How did OM and WW meet?

Learn to do a plan A from MB site.

tsm,

Sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Yes, there is a good chance that she realizes she made a mistake and want to reconcile. But, it will probably take time.

She seems to be in the midst of a classic infatuation. She has fallen romantically in love with OM. This is actually a physiological condition, where the brain releases a number of hormones as a result of OP meeting the unmet emotional needs of the WS. These hormones create extreme euphoria and pleasure, and are very addictive. Your wife is now literally addicted to the pleasure produced by her relationship with OP. While she is under the influence of the infatuation, all she will be thinking of is OM. During the infatuation, she will lie to you and deceive you, anything to maintain her relationship with OM.

The good news, though, is that these hormones causing this infatuation will eventually subside. The bad news is that it will take around 6 months, or sometimes longer (from when the infatuation began). During that time, she will care about you, but her thoughts and her love will be for OM. She can't help it.

You have the best appproach. Be respectful, polite and considerate. Showing anger or resentment, lecturing her, pleading with her, etc., will only drive her closer to OM. He'll appear to her more the good guy, and you more the bad guy.

Eventually, though, the hormones will wear off, usually in about 6 months. That is well documented scientifically. When they do, she'll return to her old self, though changed from the experience. Depending on how you behaved during the infatuation will determine whether she wants to return to you. If you were angry, bitter, supplicant, etc., she won't see in you the partner she desires, and may stay with OM. If you remain confident, considerate, understanding, and seek to meet her emotional needs, she'll very likely return to you.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B on the MB site.

If, during her infatuation, you keep reminding yourself that this isn't her, that this is some podperson that has temporarily inhabited her body, you may withstand the stress and heartbreak that await you.

Best of luck to you.

Galoot, thank you for your words of encourgement. My only concern is that she is determined to move out with this guys within a month. At which I am worried my only contact with her will concern the children only.

Is there anything I can do at that point or should I see what happends with the OP? Or, should I continue to find opportunities to interact with her no matter what?

Is there any former wayward wifes out there that can cooberate that once the infatuation passed thoughts turned back to their husbands and they wanted to reconcile.

I would really like some hope here.

TSM

She is looking for a job right now and expects child support from me. She wants to be the childrens primary caregiver and I have joint custody with up to 50% access to the children.

We are still working on a seperation agreement. I have not signed or agreed to anything and once we have the framework of an agreement worked out I will take it to my lawyer before signing.

TSM

OM is not married. He is unemployed and lives on his brothers couch. That is why I think he is so eager to move in with her once she moves out.

They met at a monthly camping trip we would take together. He was one of the group. In fact, he was a friend of mine before all this happened.

TSM

Do NOT:

1. Agree to the children moving out with her. The children stay at home, she can get 50% access

2. Agree to anything that results in you paying for her move (e.g. transportation fees, apartment rental, etc.)


Your objective should be to remain respectful and meeting her needs (Plan A), without becoming her doormat and making it easier for her to take any action that further damages your M.

Unfortunetly this is the one non-negotiable with her. In fact when we get into this discussion it becomes obvious that unless one of us gives in the next call on both sides is to lawyers.

Unfortunetly I have been advised already, due to no-fault divorce in the region where I live, that the courts still highly favour the mother in custody battles even if she is the one that started the affair and initiated the seperation. A lawyer pegged my chances of the kids staying with me at about 20% and would cost approx. $10k in legal fees.

As for the other comment, I will not pay for any of her moving costs, nor assist her in the process.

But in terms in the child custody, I don't think I have much choice. I am hopefull going to sit down with a lawyer at the end of this week to further discuss my options.

TSM

Hi, I'm new to this forum,...any forum for that matter.

Earlier last month, I caught my husband at a bar that we both visit with another woman. They were holding hands and he was drunk. My husband has a history of alcohol problems. I confronted him and he wouldn't talk with me because he was drinking. He simply told me that he didn't love me like he used to. He said he met her at the bar. We didn't talk for a few days. Then, when I saw him again, he didn't talk about it...he made an excuse to come back to "talk" another time. 3 weeks went by and in that 3 weeks, I saw him once. He came to the house, didn't look good, had beer cans in the trunk, would hardly look at me, etc. So, I talked. I didn't get emotional, I simply said that I was concerned, didn't know what happened and that no matter what,...he was my unconditional friend. So, 3 weeks went by from when I caught him with the OW. He left me a typed note. I got home from work and found it. It said that he caught pnemonia and was in the hospital for 4 days and he apologized that it took this long to get this to me. He then proceeded to write that he wanted this to be over and he did not love me anymore. He said that alcohol was not the reason. It happened, he didn't mean for it to happen and I didn't do anything to make it happen. However, he said that he knows alcohol is destructive to himself and those around him and he won't stop.

We have talked since this "note". I called and told him I wanted to review our finances. When I saw him, he was chain-smoking (which he never did before...he has never even smoked before) and he was drinking beer in the car. Other than that, he actually had good eye contact with me and was very cordial.

I found out last week that he, in fact, has been staying with this woman. He never said one word to me in the typed note OR our conversation that he was with someone else. He also hasn't mentioned divorce, although, he moved most of his tools and clothes out of the house.

To give you a little background, my husband and I have been together for 15 years on and off. We dated our last year in highschool, then went our separate ways in college but remained friends. And, for the past 7 - 8 years, we've been living together in a comitted, good solid relationship. 4 years ago, we started building our house together (literally the two of us are building it) and 2 1/2 years ago, we decided to get officially married.

I honestly don't know what happened and I feel I need to know in order to move on emotionally. Has this situation happened to anyone else? And if so, any advice or insight?

Thank you for listening.

You're welcome. You have a valid concern. My sitch has been somewhat similar. I was laid off from a job about a year ago, and unemployed for about 5 months. The stress from that caused W and I to drift apart. I finally was offered another job, at much better pay, but it was out of state. So, two weeks before I was to start, we went househunting in the new location. Once we got there, W announced she didn't like the area, and wasn't going to move. So, I found myself a small apartment. I moved there, and was then able to return home every other weekend.

My dday was three weeks later, when I discovered she had been having an EA for about a month (hence her refusal to move) which had just turned sexual (she finally confessed after she couldn't explain her whereabouts for about 6 hours).

So, for months, I only had phone calls and a biweekly weekend with her. Whatever Plan A-ing I could do, I had to do during that time. In the time between those, I had to live with the knowledge, and my imagination, as to what she and OM were doing.

For the first month after it went physical, they were talking marriage (as I later learned). However, she had these fantasies that she could keep the house, with me paying the mortgage and OM moving in. A visit to a lawyer convinced her otherwise. She then became the ultimate cake-eater, wanting to keep both her hubby and her lover.

The point is, her feelings will be in flux during the coming months. She will be greatly confused. You should make the best of what time you can get with her, but don't be supplicant. Be kind and considerate, and show that you can overcome what faults you had that bothered her. But also show that you can make it on your own, and that you can move on without her, if need be. For some reason, though they may want OM, the thought of actually losing you makes them want you more. Go figure.



Screw OM! She's your wife. Look for whatever opportunities you can find. Also, see other's advise on exposure. The main thing, though, is to work on yourself. The longer the A goes on, the more its going to eat at you and drag you down, if you let it.



My FWW, for one (though she's not computer literate and doesn't post here). There's also a female acquaintance of my W at church (who doesn't know of W's recent affair) whose husband had left 7 months ago for another woman, but now this friend is saying that her husband wants to come back. Right on schedule.

There's other FWS who occasionally post on this site, but this site is generally very anti-WS, and they are quickly driven off. That is a shame, just for the POV they can provide to the BS's.


There is hope, but you will be the one paying a heavy price. If it goes typically, in 6 months or so she'll emerge from the fog. By that time, you'll probably be on anti-anxiety or anti-depression medication. You'll have a mountain of resentment built up. She, on the other hand, may feel guilty and ashamed about the hurt she caused you, but often the FWS doesn't feel bad about the A itself. They feel it did them good, made them feel good about themselves. So, you're then stuck thinking that while she was having a great euporic time, being so much in love for the first time in her life, you were dying in a pit of despair and anxiety. You will feel emotionally raped. It will be hard to take FWW back with feelings like those.

tsm, it is not in your children's best interest to be dragged into her affair, away from their own home. I would contact an attorney PRONTO and get legal protection for your children so they are not exposed to her affair partner. Being dragged into her affair will have damaging effects on your children, in addition to increasing their risk of being ABUSED or MOLESTED.

My suggestion would be to get a good attorney and gain primary custody of the children and keep them in your home. Fight to give her minimal visitation with the agreement that they will not be introduced to her adultery partner.

I would also strongly emphasize that you NOT cooperate with her in any separation agreement. Your wife is out of her mind and negotiating with her is like NEGOTIATING WITH A TERRORIST. She has the destruction of your family and marriage in mind, so cooperating with THAT, will only contribute to your own DEMISE.

Her affair is very temporary and will not last, but divorce is permanent. This is why you need to make it difficult and drag it out.

I would also not allow her to take any furniture out of your home without a court order. Nor should you agree to be her "friend" in all this. She will probably ask you to be her "friend" which simply means, do not complain while I stick it to you.

You will give her second thoughts if you start making this as difficult as possible. She has lost her mind, tsm, so your job will be to PROTECT YOUR FAMILY from harm.

Hi CAZ, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can I suggest you start up a new thread that will be devoted to just you? People won't see you buried down here at the bottom of tsms thread.

Yes, please get a GOOD LAWYER and tell him what you expect. He works FOR YOU. Lawyers will try and negotiate an EASY, AMICABLE divorce because they want the path of least resistance. They don't want any trouble.

Their goal is to get you divorced, NOT to protect your children or save your marriage. This is why you must tell the lawyer what you WANT from him. You would want to protect your children, keep them in their own home, and not pay her child support.

We have many men here who won custody of their children and very favorable conditions. But they had to INSTRUCT their attorneys to work FOR THEM instead of vice versa. Don't negotiate with terrorists lest you end up in the Red Sea!

Has the affair been exposed to the OM's family? Have you confronted the OM?

And no, your kids will not be "ok." They will never be the same. They will suffer psychological and developmental damage that will effect them for life. Children from homes with bad marriages fare much better than children from broken homes. They will never be the same.

For your wife's reading pleasure:

An Exploration of the Ramifications...nia State University College of Medicine

• Divorce is an intensely stressful experience for all children, regardless of age or developmental level; many children are inadequately prepared for the impending divorce by their parents. A study in 1980 found that less than 10% of children had support from adults other than relatives during the acute phase of the divorce.

• The pain experienced by children at the beginning of a divorce is composed of: a sense of vulnerability as the family disintegrates, a grief reaction to the loss of the intact family (many children do not realize their parents’ marriage is troubled), loss of the non-custodial parent, a feeling of intense anger as the disruption of the family, and strong feelings of powerlessness.

• Unlike bereavement or other stressful events, it is almost unique to divorcing families that as children experience the onset of this life change, usual and customary support systems tend to dissolve, though the ignorance or unwillingness of adults to actively seek out this support for children.

• Early latency (ages 6½-8): These children will often openly grieve for the departed parent. There is a noted preoccupation with fantasies that distinguishes the reactions of this age group. Children have replacement fantasies, or fantasies that their parents will happily reunite in the not-so-distant future. Children in this developmental stage have an especially difficult time with the concept of the permanence of the divorce.

• Late latency (ages 8-11): Anger and a feeling of powerlessness are the predominate emotional response in this age group. Like the other developmental stages, these children experience a grief reaction to the loss of their previously intact family. There is a greater tendency to label a ‘good’ parent and a ‘bad’ parent and these children are very susceptible to attempting to take care of a parent at the expense of their own needs.

• Adolescence (ages 12-18): Adolescents are prone to responding to their parent’s divorce with acute depression, suicidal ideation, and sometimes violent acting out episodes. These children tend to focus on the moral issues surrounding divorce and will often judge their parents’ decisions and actions. Many adolescents become anxious and fearful about their own future love and marital relationships. However, this age group has the capability to perceive integrity in the post-divorce relationship of their parents and to show compassion for their parents without neglecting their own needs.

Conclusions
• Divorce and its ensuing ramifications can have a significant and life-altering impact on the well being and subsequent development of children and adolescents.

• The consequences of divorce impact almost all aspects of a child’s life, including the parent-child relationship, emotions and behavior, psychological development, and coping skills.

• There is a significant need for child mental health professionals, along with other child specialists, to be cognizant of the broad spectrum of possible fall-out from a divorce and then to provide sufficient support for children of divorced parents in all the necessary psychosocial aspects of the child’s life.

[u][i][b]Abuse Risk Seen Worse As Families Change[/b][/i][/u]

- Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological
parents, according to a study of Missouri abuse reports published in the journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics in 2005.


- Children living in stepfamilies or with single parents are at higher risk of physical or sexual assault than children living with two biological or adoptive parents, according to several studies co-authored by David Finkelhor, director of the University of New Hampshire's Crimes Against Children Research Center.

- Girls whose parents divorce are at significantly higher risk of sexual assault, whether they live with their mother or their father, according to research by Robin Wilson, a family law professor at Washington and Lee University. . . .

- The previous version of the study, released in 1996, concluded that children of single parents had a 77 percent greater risk of being harmed by physical abuse than children living with both parents. But the new version will delve much deeper into the specifics of family structure and cohabitation, according to project director Andrea Sedlak.

I think that there may be an opportunity here.

Normally, one would use a "Plan A" to butter up your WW. This takes time and time may not on your side.

I propose that your W may figure is not your W in her own mind at this time. By this reasoning why should you support her. She has no employment at this time, nor has the OM. Arrange with her family that they shun her accommodation until she sorts out her marriage.

Drop her off at the OM and tell him that he can have her. Do not let her take the children. They must stay at the family residence.

Then go immediately into "Plan B", that is no contact except through a third party until no contact (NC) and extraordinary precautions have been established. During this process, be as reasonable and polite avoiding any and all argument. Do NOT say sorry or shoulder ANY of the blame.

Hand her a "Plan B" letter as you leave her. Check with this forum first as to the quality of it's contents.

Here is a unique opportunity to wake up WW to a reality testing situation. Handing your W over to OM takes the adventure out of it. They ends up with logistic headaches that immediately puts their relationship under strain AND OM gets to acquire a "reject".

I am sure to get flamed as a result of this advice. Do listen to all their responses and weigh them carefully. YOU will have to live with the consequences.

imagine, here is the problem with that advice. Plan B is very risky. Separation greatly increases the chances of divorce. It needs to be done very carefully after a well executed Plan A. If it is done without plan A he will be essentially throwing her into the arms of the OM. That would be a huge strategic mistake.

His wife right now is emotionally DETACHED from him, so going into Plan B will be a RELIEF. She WANTS to be away from him. That is why Plan A is so critical. He has to FIRST give her something TO MISS before he goes dark in Plan B.

If he goes dark NOW, she will just go YIPPEE SKIPPEE and will pursue her affair with abandon.

He needs to be more strategic than that. Plan A is not about buttering them up or ENABLING. It is about showing your spouse that you WILL BE WILLING to meet their needs if they end the affair. It is also about NOT enabling the affair and taking a firm stance to protect the finances and the children.

For men, Dr Harley recommends 6 months in Plan A; for women 3-4 weeks.

Thank you for such a polite response ML.

Here's what I'm thinking:
OP is in fog and needs to get up to speed reading and understanding SAA.
During this period of trial and error, WW gets a job and consequently moves in with OM. The chances of exposing WW to a good plan A is minimized.
Exposure to OM, maximized. Consequently, her EN's satisfied instead by OM. Conclusion: Longer exposure to OM = longer recovery period.

Hence my more radical leaning towards a "scorched earth" policy while implementing plan B.

I would value your comments.