I am trying my best to perform Plan A but it is hard to do everything I want since my WW and I are geographically separated.

We had a huge argument day before yesterday. That night we talked for many hours on the phone about what we expect from each other when she returns. I think we expressed most if not all of our emotional needs to each other. We talked about the changes I have made in the past few months. I started seeing a counselor on my own a few months back so that I could work on myself. Good thing I did because the old me would not have dealt with this like I am now. I feel like we made some very positive progress and we agreed not to talk about the A until after she returns. She states that she is embarrassed/ashamed of her actions regarding the A and that when I talk about it it makes her feel horrible. She even returned the "I love you" that I say before we get off the phone with "I love you too". That made me feel really good.

She did say that she does not want to start counseling right after she gets home. She does not want to have to deal with all of it all over again just as she comes home. She said that she is going to have a hard enough time facing me as it is. I can see where she is coming from and agreed but suggested that we go not long after so that we could deal with this and try to put it behind us.

She is still not convinced that she needs NC with the OM. They are not where they can physically see each other and will not be at all in the future but still talk on the phone, email. I told her that I did not know how it was going to work with 3 people in our marriage. She didn't know either. I am hoping that she will come to the realization that it will not work like that on her own. If not I will have to help her figure it out after she returns. For now I just told her we will cross that bridge when we come to it. For me, that is when she returns home. I am not going to push for that right now. It's not worth the fighting that will follow. And I feel like it will just put us back to square one after the great talk we had.

Is the fog lifting a tad or am I just seeing what I want to see?

In the meantime I have been reading. I read His Needs Her Needs and I am currently reading Surviving an Affair, that will be followed up by Love Busters.

She needs to have no contact FOREVER with the OM.

You need to read here like crazy before she comes home, so you get sronger. You need to be able to talk about the affair and be protected from her contact with the OM.

I am reading everything I can. I think it will help me in understanding her position in the A. I expect all the things I have read so far in Surviving an Affair. Everything that causes one we have experienced and I have had all the same allegations thrown at me when I did push for NC. I will push for it relentlessly when she returns. I cannot really monitor the situation as I want to with us being separated. Hopefully there will not be a Plan B.

One other thing. I know her parents do not know about the A. I am wondering if I have to resort to Plan B should I just tell them myself? I know she is embarrassed of it but seems to think that being in contact with the OM is okay. I am trying to let her tell them on her own but if I have to leave the house because of this I feel like I should not have to wait to tell them about it either.

Expose to the parents.
Have you exposed to anyone else?

Yes. I have spoken to my Mom about it. My sister in law also. That is it though. I was trying to let her do that on her own. I would rather she do it. I am sure that if I do it that it will turn into a huge fight. I am trying to avoid fighting with her.

I honesty thought that her parents knew but while talking with them yesterday I found out that they do not know what has really happened. Just that we are having difficulties.

You should do it. That way you know it will be the truth without the wayward spin on it, and that the right people are informed.

Yes she will be angry, they always are. Then they always get over it.

When my H and I were geographically separated, I was able to find a MC who would do phone counseling via conference call. It wasn't optimum but it was way better than nothing. It was a lot like life support under adverse conditions, until we could get to a hospital.

If the Harleys do phone counseling, I wonder if they would do a conference call? I think it would be worth finding out.

moved to next post

There's really no spin to put on it. We both agree with what WW was missing/I was not providing and what needs to be done to correct it. It doesn't make the A acceptable but its already in progress. I think it has almost run its course though.

Found out today that WW is writing a letter to the OM stating that things cannot and will not carry on like they are now. She is going to send it to him soon (not finished writing it yet) and include me in the email when she does so. All of this is on her own. I never made mention/request of her doing it. We had another long talk on the phone and got that info in the process. I think there is still plenty of hope for us. Lots of work ahead but I am certain it will be more than worth it.

It good she is writing a NC letter however she should give it to you for you to read, agree to or modify as you see fit and then post when you want. The NC letter is her gift and a token or her seriousness to you.


I sort of agree with her, take a week or so to just get used to each other, then do some serious marriage fixing stuff. Is she going to join MB?

Is this a NC letter or just a letter? Do you have any children? You need to expose to her family. Too much to risk while her affair is still hidden and she's in her wayward mind set.

Sorry if this is jumbled. My mind is crazy right now.

I am not certain that is an actual NC letter. I think she is just trying to get out of doing the things that they have been doing via pictures, webcam blah blah blah. I am fairly certain now that they were not ever physically involved. I just feel that she is telling the truth about that after talking with her again yesterday.

I'm not against her having male friends but I don't see this guy hanging around for long when he realizes that he is not going to get anymore webcam time or whatever else they are into now. Of course WW does not see it that way but she will soon enough. I will feel vindicated watching this one fall flat on its face.

Our schedules are identical when she is at home. There is no way for her to do this when she comes home and I know that she knows that. Why can't women just break it off without being nice about it? That's the part I just don't get. I think she feels a little guilty because she was the aggressor (according to her) in this situation. I think that she feels she "owes" an attempt at friendship because of it.

She swears up and down that this will not happen after she delivers the email with the letter she is writing. I do not expect her to send it until she is due to come back home. If she does it before then she will loose her "emotional safety blanket" with the OM.

She told me yesterday that she is not in love with him. It is not that kind of deal. I think they are both using each other to get what they think they need at the moment. And that is all that really matters right now, the moment.

I told her yesterday to just do whatever she sees fit while she is there. I cannot stop her and will not continue to argue with her about it until she gets home. I will keep a close eye on her when she returns. I will just have to follow my gut and go with what it tells me to do when she does come back.

With what they are limited to now there is no possibility of physical contact. So I am not nearly as concerned with that as I am with the dishonesty and deception. That is what really bothers me. Do I like what she has been doing? No. Can I really do anything to stop her at this point? No... not really. Is she going to stop while she is there? I don't know, probably not. These are the things I had to ask myself yesterday. I am tried of my gut being in knots over it.

She still sticks to telling me that she does want to come home and work on us. She has not wavered there. I just hate sitting here waiting for that time to come. But what can I do.... NOTHING!

One more month to go.

It appears that you are one of those BH's who have no intention of HELPING THEMSELVES. You come to this site seeking support for your foolishness and when you don't get it, you abandon your thread and start over in another section.

Here is your original thread in Just Found Out:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2132212#Post2132212

Why did you disregard the solid advice you were given by those folks, only to restart a new thread here?

You are WEAK and you want everyone to condone that WEAKNESS, but we simply will NOT.

I don't consider myself a weak person. But thank you for the insight since you seem to know me so well. You don't know every detail of my life so please don't attempt to judge me, especially on the internet.

As for the other thread. It was posted in "Just Found Out". I had just found out for the most part. So please tell me why I am weak? Is it because I am not willing to go run off and tell everyone that my WW had an A? Yep, that would make her real comfortable if we work everything out. How could she face anyone that I or she knows if I did that? Would you be able to face everyone that knows you screwed up like that and not constantly wonder what they think of you? My W wouldn't, I can promise you that. She has done wrong, she knows it and I know it. I am not going to brand her for life by making an all call so that everyone knows our business. Here is one thing. No one knows who we are. Person to person is another thing all together.

Maybe it's because I stopped and looked at he facts. They showed me the error in my ways which in part lead to this. I am not looking for a pity party from anyone. I have questions and I come on here and ask them. I have asked about the telling everyone more than once. I have been tempted to do so in anger. When I come back to being level headed the answer is still no. I can promise you it will not come up again in any of my posts.

I am doing everything I can to NOT piss her off at this point. I am working it like I think it should be worked. Just because its not the textbook example or what you may think is appropriate does not make me weak.

I still say no. I will not run off and tell her family every detail of the A. If she at some point wants to do so that is her business. Her parents are not stupid or blissfully ignorant to what is happening. They can read between the lines and have a good idea of what is happening. They told me yesterday that they can pretty much can see what has happened, they just prefer not to rub it in my face or hers. They have been very supportive of me throughout this. I couldn't ask for more as far that goes.

So if these things make me weak, then so be it. I have no issues with how I have handled things thus far.

How is your wife ashamed and embarrased about the affair but she refuses NC? Not only is your WW foggy but so are you. She has done nothing to show any remorse or concern for you. Other than making you feel guilty to keep her dirty secret hidden from others she's done nothing to end the affair.

You are only seeing what you want to see. She is NOT interesting in ending her wayward behavior. If your WW is not living with you, how do you know she and OM can't coordinate a meeting in person? No one has access to cars or airplanes? When does she come home?

That is a guaranteed way to NOT recover your M. Appeasing a WS does not end in a recovered M.

I don't feel guilty for what she did. Maybe a little ashamed that I didn't provide for her like I should have but I got over that. I do not take full blame for the A. I just don't see the sense in broadcasting it to everyone I know. What good does that do?

Tell me how I am supposed to control another human beings actions? It cannot be done. Especially why we are separated like we have been for the past two years. Making threats and demanding things at this point make no sense to me whatsoever. I will save that for when we are face to face if needed. I just see no sense in making things more difficult than they already are at this point.

No, there is no way that they can meet up. Not possible at all. They are in different countries now and no they will not be able cross paths when she comes home. It is just not possible. So there is nothing for me to worry about there.

She will be leaving and heading home end of this month.

I didn't say you felt ashamed or guilty. I said your WW is guilting you into not exposing her to her family with all the drama of "how will I ever face my family again if they know what I've done" boo hoo sniff sniff crap. She can't feel too ashamed about her actions when she continues to do it and now she openly carries on her A right in front of your face. Ashamed, my [censored].


Being in two different countries does not make it impossible to meet. Is neither one allowed to leave their base? Ever?

The A is on its way down. The letter has been sent to the OM. I read it. Not what I would have written but I am not in her shoes so I will not judge her for that. When I told her just to do whatever she wants for her last month there mysteriously a letter shows up that is sent to the OM and me. You can think whatever you like there I really don't care.

I don't make threats. That is why I do not make all of these demands now. It does no good. Is she leading my by my nose? I don't think so. Having her cake and eating it too? Sure, if that's the analogy you want to use. The military really only cares when it affects the military. Do you think they would even raise and eyebrow if I sent and email or called saying "hey my wife is having an internet affair over there". lmao I hardly think so. In fact it would get dropped as soon as the receiver hit the cradle. I have seen it happen many times already in my own time in the sand.

The best course o action I have is to get her home and me help her lift that fog.

He is not allowed back on base. He quit his job and has no credential to get back on. It would take months to get them back. She cannot leave the base period until she flys out on a direct flight with three stops on her way home. None of them even remotely close to the OM. He would not be able to get on those FOB's either, even if he tried.

Just a show of hands. How many people in this thread experienced their other half leaving them as result of the A? I am just wondering who I am getting advice from here.

But it wasn't a NC letter so what was the point?


What?


When did I ever say expose to the military?


My FWH never left me.