I'm wondering what kind of support people are finding out in the real world. I feel like these boards are the only place where people understand and know what I'm talking about.

I'd say my family members are somewhat low in social intelligence anyway and this situation is something no one has had to deal with before. I've had several family members say.."well these things happen", and other such comments that are completely dismissive of the horrendous pain of the experience. I had a family member say that this occured because I didn't live near my family at the time so that was to blame. I did have one family member who was absolutely wonderful when everything intially came out. She flew out and helped care for my kids when I could barely get out of bed. Now this person has moved on and I never hear from them. No one asks.."how are you REALLY doing?" I sense no one wants to know and no one can understand how I feel so I chatter on about what I've been up to in a positive way. People think I should put it in the past and move on. It sucks. I can understand that it makes people uncomfortable..but it still sucks.

I moved away from everyone I knew...my job, my neighborhood, friends, etc. Before I moved I got burned by someone I thought was a friend, who ended up gossiping to others about things I said so I'm reluctant to talk to people. The boards are nice but how I wish someone I knew cared.

Does this include your FWH? I don't know if you are a believer, but if you are, can you talk to your pastor (if you have one)? What are you guys doing to facilitate your recovery?

It can't just be that he ends the affair and viola! you are recovered. There's still lots of work to be done. Recovery is hard. Are you guys spending the recommended undivided time together? talking? recreation? open and honesty? transparency?... all that? Has he answered all of your questions?

It does get easier, but not magically.

Nope, I don't have a single person in the real world to talk to about it, including FWW.

We can touch on the subject, but usually I can't really discuss how I feel with her. Either she'd end up in tears, causing me to have to console her, or we'd argue. It's easier to avoid the issue altogether.

I do wish that just once, someone would ask me how I was doing and actually mean it.

GIB

I know what you mean about people IRL not understanding. I'm lucky that I have two good friends who have been here for me from as soon as they knew and to this day (nearly 2 years since D day) continue to ask how I am doing and give me their support. In fact, your post made me realise how lucky I am to have them.

Saying that tho, I don't think anyone can really know what this is like unless they have experienced it themselves. Thats why this board is so important for us, to be able to come here and vent and use peoples knowledge is invaluable.

Most people don't think that they would ever give their spouse another chance should they be in the position that we all found ourselves in but they don't know how they would react until it happens to them. Saying things like "these things happen" shows that they have no idea of the pain that an A causes the BS and IMO leaves them open to becoming a WS or a BS themselves.

It's at times like these that you find out who your real friends are but as for people who gossip, let them! It's human nature, we all do it to some degree and we have done nothing to be ashamed of.


I'm sure they do care, they just haven't got the right words to convey it. It is a difficult topic - it's almost like when someone suffers the loss of someone close to them - you want to tell them how sorry you are but you know that the words can't possibly be enough to comfort them.

Keep posting here, I know for me that it is often the only place where I can really open up and say how I feel and get the support and advice that can really help.

I am lucky that I can talk to my FWH. We are both just so depressed though that it is difficult and he becomes suicidal when/if I consider leaving, which I still see as a possibility sometimes. When we spend time together it is stressful. We had a really great relationship and he squashed it.

I agree that they do care, but they just don't know what to say. I don't blame them at all... I feel I have trouble saying the right things myself so I understand. I think these boards are the best answer, although sometimes I feel triggered by reading them.

At least you are recovering. I didn't have anyone and I headed for Plan D early on. Oh I had a few friends but none that I was really close to and none that I could call any time of day or night. My best friend lives 6 hours away - I talked to her on the phone for 11 hours the first day!!!! My mom doesn't live far, but during that first month between ILYBNILWY to D-day to WstbxH moving in with OW, mom's heart went downhill and suddenly I was taking care of her at a time I couldn't even take care of myself. WstbxH made matters worse by coming home only when I was taking mom to the surgeons and stealing stuff I was supposed to be keeping. So from my pool of casual friends, I had to beg people to come stay at my house while I was off taking care of mom. Eventually mom came to stay with me full time, but she needed fairly intensive care from me and I was STILL trying to sort out the financial mess WstbxH had left. And mom wasn't (and still isn't) someone I can talk to - her "support" for me when I told her what happened was to tell me to get a shark for a lawyer. She didn't want to talk about my heartbreak - just what my lawyer was saying to do.

I had so much on my plate all at once, I think I would have lost it if it weren't for this BB and another one.

That is awful. I've been helping some family members with their issues as well. In a way that's a positive thing in that it is distracting but it also piles on additional emotional stress. It sounds like you are better off without WstbxH if he's the kind of person to come to your house and steal stuff on top of everything else.

I talk with my best friend, mom and sister; more frequently with best friend. They all check up on me on a regular basis. They all live in other states so other than the time my mom flew out a week after d-day, it's all phone calls. We do not live near any family or close friends. Having someone to talk to is a huge help. I still don't tell them everything since H and I are in recovery. But knowing they are there whenever I need to talk has made a huge difference in dealing with all the crazy feelings I go through. They are all very supportive and still think H is a basically a good person who made a huge, HUGE mistake.

ETA, you said no one in your family has experienced adultery. You never know. It's not like most people want other people to know the most humiliating and devastating private details of their lives. They may be distant or seem nonchalant because it hits too close to home for them and they rather keep it secret.

Absolutely GIB. It was one of the (many) factors in my decision to Plan D early on. I also discovered he'd been stealing from the bank account for over a year (who withdraws $4000 CASH from a bank acount in one month without remembering why?????).

Unfortunately I never had anyone to talk to and still don't. I am not someone who shares personal problems or issues; instead I seem to be the lucky soul whom strangers confide in without invitation.

The weirdest example was when I was at a formal business dinner and the woman (total stranger) randomly seated beside me felt the urge to go into detail about how she had dyed her pubic hair so her lover (oh yes, she was cheating on hubby) wouldn't know she wasn't a real redhead. I believe this was the second thing out of her mouth after introducing herself, and I never thought she'd shut up all night. Needless to say, my appetite was toast. TMI.

Anyway, in my situation out of desperation from needing to vent, because FWH resents talking about the A, I started keeping a journal. FWH knows this and I make no attempt to hide it or lock it, all I did was place a disclaimer in the front that if he read it, I was not responsible for his hurt feelings. I know it's human nature to "snoop" and that he would be dying to know what I'd written there. But it was a constructive way for me to let it all out and if he did read it, fine, then he would also know how much he hurt me and to what depth it still tears me.

In the last disagreement we made, he mentioned the journal in an unhappy vein, and hurriedly added that of course he hadn't read it but he knew I had one, and I knew instantly that he had read it. I pointed out that since he was the one who didn't want to discuss the A anymore, and I have no friends or family, surely I am allowed one small outlet, or would he prefer I act out my anger and frustration in other ways?

The journal has not been mentioned since then. I will continue to use it when I am in agonizing pain. I suggest a similar outlet or you could keep one totally private or password-protected on your computer if you chose. I just feel with my way I am not doing anything in secret and FWH certainly cannot accuse me of hiding anything or not being transparent.

~Silverwraith

Silver, if you need an outlet with more human interaction, what would you think about doing that here, or calling a counselor? Journaling is good but I would crave some human responses myself.

*hugs*

Thanks for the suggestion and mostly the hug, Jayne. I have gone to see counselors before but they have not been particularly helpful in my case. A few even ended up talking about themselves during my entire session which made me wonder why I wasn't the one being paid to listen.

This forum is helpful in some ways but it tends to keep me in the cycle of despair as I internalize a lot of other people's problems when I read them. It is hard not to be empathetic or feel triggers from some of the stories here. I tend to stay a little while and then for my own sanity I have to leave the board for awhile.

I hoped the idea of a venting journal might be helpful for others who are in similar situations or very introverted (like me).