|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179 |
Copied from Plan A/Plan B So here is a quick summary of my situation.
I am in the Air Force and was deployed for a year. I just got home in August. Well in July close friends to my wife and I emailed me and told me my wife was cheating on me. I confronted her by email and she denied all of it, she said this other man was her friends husband and that they were just friends. I noticed my wifes behavior with me online had changed, as well as her dress and our finances which she handled while I was gone were being severly abused. I got home in August and discovered video and photos of them together and him in my bed. What really hurts is that all of this was not done in a way to keep it secret, but our 6 year old son was exposed to it. He often tells me of how mom and this man took him on vacation and how he slept in mommies room and how they kissed. I have also discovered that my wife was seeing an old ex from middle school back in December and she flew him on my bill to come and stay a few days with her and my son.
I just found Marriage Builders tonight and I may have blown plan A already. I have not been very nice to her as a matter of fact I have become a miserable jerk and have done alot to make her jealous (thinking that would bring her back to me). I am bitter and hurt because I am a faithful man and I trusted her with my life. Well yesterday her and another woman who just left her husband and three kids moved into their own apartment. She left me with my son (thank you Lord!) and took all that was hers from the house. I talked to my wifes friends husband and he informed me that my wifes relationship with the other man is still ongoing, despite me turning him in to his First Sergeant. He is not supposed to even be around her but they would sneak away to be together. Now that my wife has moved out I know they are together.
So what do I do? Do I initiate plan A even though I have been a jerk since finding out about her infidelity? Or do I go into plan B since she is moved out? Maybe a little of both? Please give me advice...anyone!
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226 |
I think most recoveries start with a lot of LB's and yours sounds no different. I went about 6 weeks of name calling and MF'ing before I found this site and learned about PLAN A. I started PLAN A about two months ago and we are going pretty good. Just don't slip or it is like starting all over again. If she is in a mood, IGNORE IT. Don't say "whats wrong hunny" or suck up to her. But also don't act all disgusted and slam doors or huff out of the room. Maintain stability. If you PLAN A good for 3 or 4 days, you will see how easy it gets and you will start to see slow, gradual changes in the WW. At least I did.
EDIT: EXPOSE!
Last edited by CrushedJim; 09/28/08 10:36 AM.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 2 |
Thank you for reposting this in a busier area where more people may read it.
My concern was that I was too late to start plan A because my WW already moved out and I have been bitter since coming home and discovering this whole mess. She is never home and barely calls to check up on our son. Even when she was home, I would get home from work and she would disappear till late at night, sometimes till early morning.
I will do some more reading on this site especially about plan A and B. I have been reading Dr. Dobson's book, "Love Must Be Tuff" Anyone ever heard of it or read it have anopinions about it.
One more thing, my son was exposed to all my wifes infidelity. She brought the OM into our home and acted like she was never married. Now my son is very detached from his mom and wants nothing to do with her. Well he has always been a little detached but now its worse. He didn't even care his mom moved out, he was happy. That right there crushes me all over again.
Last edited by AirForce719; 09/28/08 10:59 AM.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 226 |
If she is out, PLAN A is tough. Since it is the weekend, activity is low here so hang in there til more of the vets chime in.
PLAN A is showing her that you can be the kind of husband she would want. You meet all her emotional needs and no love busters. After up to 6 months of PLAN A, if the affair continues, you move to PLAN B.
I think because she is out, PLAN A will be less effective. You need to focus on exposure. Expose anyone who would support her and listed to her spin to her affair. He parents, brothers, sisters and friends. Also, expose the POS OM's family. Expose to his supervisors. You need to make it as uncomfortable as possible for them to continue the A. You want to get other people to put pressure on your WW that what she is doing is wrong. She will be livid at first and say stuff like "we could have worked it out but SINCE YOU DID THAT, now wee can't". Ignore the babble and DO NOT ARGUE.
I think this will probably be what the vets suggest. Since this is still newer to me, hang tight til they confirm my suggestion.
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278 |
Hi Air Force,
I'm sorry to hear about you having to deal with this. It's no picnic. I'm glad you found MB, you can get a lot of great help here.
I am wondering...does your wife work at all or are you financing her move and everything else? This is something that you need to put the kibosh on if you are. You shouldn't be paying for her affair.
You should be in Plan A, yes, but you need to apply both the "carrot" and the "stick." I'll go grab a copy of that and post it here for you.
It is awful what she has done to your son. She left him with you and that's a good thing but you need to make sure that he STAYS with you. Have you talked to an attorney?
I am just worried because she sounds so foggy. She might end up trying to use him as a weapon against you and he does not need that. It is bad enough already.
Charlotte
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 3,278 |
The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financial security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.
Exposure is your strongest weapon against the A. Use it, and use it wisely. Do not tell her that you are going to do it, just do it. Expect more anger. Your M can survive his anger, but it cannot survive if she remains a WS.
Start a good plan A. If you can call the Harleys for advice. Read Surviving an Affair. You will learn the dynamics of affairs. They are all pretty much the same. The WS use the same script.
Your WS will try to rewrite history and put you in a bad light. She is trying to justify her actions to herself. She is probably addicted to the feelings of the A, not the OM. He could be anyone.
She has weaknesses that she did not protect. It is a slippery slope.
Keep coming here. Read, read, read.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Expose the affair AGAIN to his first sargeant or whatever it is in the AF. Then, if nothing is done, go higher.
I don't know about the AF, but in the NAVY, adultery is not tolerated. There was just an admiral who lost his command about a month ago over an affair.
And yes, your wife will be furious.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860 |
I would expose but not to his sargent. It seems his sarge is out to protect his own. I would report to a higher rank.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 613 |
Inform the 1ST SGT that you will also be going to the Chaplain and expect the soldier to received discipline for failure to obey. Make sure you have evidence that he has seen your wife. Written statements or photos etc. Not just you saying so.
You wife is gone!!!! Make sure the other man is forced to give up the relationship. Your a soldier....go into combat mode and get evidence and make him pay!!! Messing around on a fellow soldiers wife while a troop is deployed is a major NO NO!! If you have evidence then he will be kicked out for failure to obey a direct order. Make sure the buddy buddy system via the 1ST is prevented. Get your 1ST SGT and Chaplain involved. Also your Commander as well.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,591
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,591 |
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this situation.
I agree with the previous posts. Definitely expose the A to the OM's commander, as well as parents, other family, friends, etc. When you see the commander, take whatever hard evidence you have, emails, photos, etc. The military will not be able to take action with verbal accusations alone.
From my experience (my Army WH was deployed when he started the A), it is nearly impossible to do a Plan A when apart. Good question about the finances. WW should not be counting on you to fund her A. Breaking the A up through the military channels is definitely helpful. In my case, when push came to shove, the OW was way more concerned with concealing the A at her workplace than she was from her husband. In the end, my H and the OW both ended up with military non-judicial punishment. My H returned home, NC was established, my H took an early retirement, and our recovery began.
Read, read, read, especially "Surviving an Affair". The example in that book seems extreme and if that M survived, I think yours could as well.
I too worry about your son in this time. Agree with need to consult an attorney and put things in place that will not allow your WW to just come pick your son up.
Best wishes to you and your son.
AM
BW - 73
WH - 68
M - 43 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 665
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 665 |
Dear AirForce,
I am sorry this has happened to you. I wish you and your son the best. I was an AF wife for 17 yrs. Deployments are hard and lonely but cheating is no excuse.
Sunshine
BS(me) 40
WH 40
D-day 10/03/2007
***Recovering and growing wiser and stronger.***
I was divorced 10/08/2008.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284 |
AF,
Sorry you are here. Being exAF myself and having grown up in the AF as a kid, I know the separations are hard on you and the family. That being said, please do expose as others have mentioned. However, given that she exposed your son to her behavior and has left the home and your son, PLEASE seek legal counsel and get custody of your son.
You do not want her showing up and deciding he is going to be a pawn in this game. Protect him, but obtaining custody at least temporary custody.
God Bless,
JL
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 1,719 |
AF,
I'm a former KC-135 guy. I've been in your shoes and got the shock of my life when I came home as well.
It is absolutely critical that you take some big steps to protect your relationship with your son. You need to get a lawyer ASAP!
I made the mistake of not doing so. I also dealt with the shock of coming home and trying to readjust to life and deal with infidelity on top of it all. My wife wanted a divorce and I didn't.
So I fell for many lies, thinking that she was just going through a temporary thing.
You must expose again to the 1st Shirt AND the squadron commander.
You must also cut her off financially.
I'm telling you about things I wish I had done and didn't do. This is now looking back almost 3 years later.
If she wants to be "independent" then by all means.
Cancel the credit cards, cell phone, and cut her off from your accounts. File a custody order giving you custody of your son and file for abandonment.
YOU must take the offensive in this situation. You're a man and in the military so the court system is stacked against you UNLESS you act aggressively.
If she's moved out, then she must pay child support.
Seriously, you need to be aggressive. THAT will get you further than playing Mr. Nice Guy. Trust me. I tried to play Mr. Nice Guy and it got me nowhere other than out of the AF, separated from my kids, divorced, and broke.
I didn't take action and I didn't act aggressively. By "aggressive" I'm talking about legal action. You must do the things which will tick her off. She wants independence? Give her all the independence she can handle.
Best of luck to you.
And get help, bro. I spent a week at Walter Reed over this mess. Coming home from deployment is hard under normal circumstances. It's terrible under your conditions.
D-Day 28 Feb 06
Plan D (Not by choice) - 24 March 06
DD6
DS4(Twin1)
DS4(Twin2)
She moved away with the kids April 08. I contested it and got a lot more time with my kids. She's unhappy that I want to stay involved in their lives and don't settle for being an "every other weekend" dad.
Never going to happen.
Ongoing personal recovery through the help of friends, family, and DC United Soccer!
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
204
guests, and
14
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,659
Posts2,323,613
Members72,372
| |
Most Online9,682
May 13th, 2026
|
|
|
|
