I am a newly wed.....4 months....unfortunately I wasn't aware of the skeletons in my husbands closet when we married. After we were married I learned he and his ex-wife and his ex-fiance were all swingers/swappers whatever the term is. I was appalled! Freaked. Scared. How was our marriage supposed to stand a chance if he was used to infidelity being "acceptable" in marriage? I was floored. THEN I logged onto his computer to check bank info and got another doozie of a surprise. He had joined an online dating service for sex hook ups. I didn't know people sunk to such levels.....BUT a man married for less than a month??? All of this was the icing on the cake because before we married I found out the "exclusive" relationship we were in was only exclusive on my side.....he was still engaged to his ex fiance the first 3 months we were dating!!!! They are both in the military and to my chagrin they have to go on 2-3 month missions together at times. Needless to say our marriage nearly ended where it began, but he wants us to try counseling. I took my son out of school, quit my job and went with him on the mission he was scheduled for this Fall.....Thank God she's not on this one.

He says that all of the swinging/swapping was in his past. He says that he didn't see anything wrong with cyber"flirting" . His excuse is that he never paid a membership so he could only send and receive winks and never actually communicated with these "people". He doesn't even bother with an excuse for two timing me when HE was the one who asked for us to be exclusive. There is no excuse for that one and he knows it well.

THEN....yes, there is more can you believe it????...I caught him ordering porn on the cable while I was sleeping upstairs....well I had been sleeping I came down to see if he was ok. He has trouble sleeping and I was going to see if he wanted some hot tea or warm milk.....no he wanted something hot....it wasn't milk, tea or ME!!!! ( His excuse here was it was just "a movie"....try Batman for pete's sake!!! A movie???!!! AAAHHHGGGG!!!!)

I have spent the past 2 months depressed, crying at the drop of a hat and consuming chocolate....the scales will attest o it too! I finally saw the doctor and got a referral for counseling.....which takes forever with HMO's and have accepted a antidepressant script to ward off some of the depression until the counseling is in gear.

To his credit he is trying very hard. But my trust is gone. Now that I know what he is capable of sinking to I am suspicious of his every move. My tv and computer now have parental controls on them....not for my son who I trust implicitly BUT for MY HUSBAND!!!

Dear God, I so want to make this marriage work. I love him with all of my heart. He is the man I want to grow old with. When I said " I do" I meant every word in my vows. So how do you ever trust again? How do you make it stop hurting? How do you move passed the ANGER. How do I deal with the betrayals(pl)?????

How long did you know him before you married him? Wow! Look 4 months into the M and no children from the marriage, I would run for the hills. You are asking for a lifetime of hurt and hard work to be with a man that has no respect for you or marriage. I am very sorry.

How long have you known each other? Did you date? I guess I just don't understand.

How did you meet?

So sorry you find yourself here.

I am bumping this back up higher so that more people will see it.

Sorry that you need to be here.

A few things.

Okay, your husband has been a cheater since you met him. You don't really love "him." You love the person you thought he was.

He has betrayed you before your wedding...he is betraying you now.

You are right to not trust in him now...or in the future.

Your vows were made under false pretenses. He tricked you into getting married by hiding the truth and his true nature.

You should, IMHO, speak to a lawyer immediately and get out of this sham of a marriage.

I am sorry for your pain...but get it over with now instead of wasting years on this pathetic excuse for a man.

I'm so sorry you found yourself in this position. It is hard to believe but you are actually very fortunate to have found out so quickly. And you are wise to treat it very seriously. Kudos for acting decisively and joining him this Fall rather than gambling.

His bad behavior is not your fault. Really. Its not your fault. But at some point you should ask yourself how you ended up married to him. He didn't likely change over night. If he was able to get away with things during the engagement, I'm sure he'd feel that he could get away with things as a married person too.

You need to think through what you are willing to live with. And what you won't. I really recommend the Cloud/Townsend 'Boundaries' books for learning how to protect yourself and not enable behavior that you don't want to tolerate.

<quote>So how do you ever trust again? How do you make it stop hurting? How do you move passed the ANGER.</quote>
You'd be foolish to trust someone who acts untrustworthy. If he is willing to consistently act in a way that protects your marriage, you could get to that point.

He has a habit that won't be easy to change. Is there any reason to believe that he loves you enough and cares enough about your marriage to make a real go of it?

Keep reading here. You've found a great site for dealing with this.

- WG