GregO

Your situation is a lot like mine was. I had anger issues and my wife was telling me she didn't love me. She was also hiding her cell phone from me. She was in the middle of an EA with a high school boyfriend over the internet. She was talking to him several times a day and night. Like other folks have told you she may not be having a PA but an EA is a very good possibility. She is showing all the signs of some type of affair.

First and foremost you have to deal with the AO's. Not just with her but in all situations. You just can not get angry anymore, period. I stopped getting angry in all situations and found my W was more responsive to me. But I slipped one time and it brought back all of her negative feelings towards me. I basically had to start over again after that one AO. Right now she does not trust you to not get angry with her. This is why you are finding it difficult for her to talk to you.

Its great you are reading Dr. Harley's books. You also should download a copy of the EN's and LB worksheets. One for you and one for her. You should fill yours out and put it in an envelope and seal it. Put hers somewhere where she will see it. Do not pressure her to fill it out. Leaving it somewhere where she will see it is also a form of control. But its better than telling or asking her to fill it out. Let her fill it out on her own time frame. It took my wife a month before she filled it out. Do not let her see your filled out worksheets until she agrees that you both fill them out and discuss them together. Be prepared for her to give you mostly negative marks. But, isn't it a positive sign she is willing to fill them out and talk to you about it?

Now that she is gone to her dad's you should take advantage of the situation. Send her flowers to her dad's. Send her cards showing your love for her. You have to woo her in anyway possible. If she is having an affair than you show her you are better than him. Her giving you a hug before she left is a positive sign. You have to show her she comes first in your thoughts and actions.

Lastly, I will tell you there is hope and don't give up if you love her. It took months for my wife to respond to me positively. After telling me she hated me, wanted me to die, and she didn't love me. We now do everything together and she tells me she loves me. She quit hiding her phone, gave me her passwords, and basically opened up and quit most of her independent behavior. We are still working on our marriage and always will but it is way better than it was a few months ago.

I am not one to give others advice but your situation mirrored mine so much I had to chime in.

Thanks very much for your positive post. I think.

It takes so much internal strength to keep hoping in the face of the looming black hole I'm being sucked into. And then I read posts like yours and see that others have successfully navigated the same treacherous waters and stayed afloat.

I am very happy you and your wife found each other again. I can only imagine the elation you must have felt when she gave you the first positive sign she might want to stay with you.

A part of me wants to fight and another part just wants the pain to stop.

GregO

You need to see that hug from her was a positive sign. If she hated you as much as you believe that hug would have never happened. Build on that. Try initiating the hug more often. The situation will take a lot of time to resolve. I had those same feelings of giving up and then wanting the M. The roller coaster of emotions was sometimes overwhelming for me also. But, saving my M was more important than my emotions. It took me months to stop the ride. Heal yourself first. Its difficult but you can do it. You have to have more positive thoughts about everything in your life not just the M. Focusing on just the M will hurt other aspects of your life.

Here are a few things I try to do everyday in my M. You don't have to do all at once. That would be best but doing only one has positive effects for you and your W.

Improve
Appreciate
Connect
Protect

Do something to improve your relationship.
Appreciate her.
Connect with her in some way.
Show her you can protect her.

There is hope GregO. Just don't give up. NO MORE AO'S.

Told the realestate we were going to accept the offer.

Part of the offer included the option to have up to a 3 month settlement period and so I had to ask my wife how long she wanted which I did via text message last night.

I expected her to reply with the shortest period but she text back asking me what I thought?

So I said it depended on whether she was going to give me and the family a chance or not. Longer would be better so we can find the best possible house to rent. I told her I love her and didn't want to lose her and had done everything in my power to prove I regreted and took responsibility for the mistakes I had made but if wasn't enough then we may as well leave asap.

She hasn't replied.

The added conundrum is we have House listed with an agent my brother works for and he suggested he could filter the offer such that it "must" be a longer settlement. Obviously to me longer is better for my chances of proving myself to my wife. But is it ethical for me to allow that?

GregO

I made these same mistakes and occassionally still do. But you blew it. She gave you the opportunity to do one of the four items I gave you. Actually four out of the four. First she tried to connect with you by asking you what you thought. Tell her you want to stay longer to work on the marriage and you feel staying longer would give you a better chance at doing that. Appreciate her for reaching out to you and asking your opinion. Thank her for including you in as part of her decision. These two things would have improved your relationship with her. Lastly you would have been protecting her and the children by staying in the house a little longer and working on protecting your M.

Telling her that it is up to her is basically telling her you don't care. You didn't tell her how you feel. That's what she wanted to hear. Call her back and tell her how you feel. Don't try to put the ball in her court where it is all up to her and her decision. You can not control her decision only yours. Yes it would be wrong to extend the terms by deception. If you will discuss this as a couple and make a joint agreement it works a lot better.

Really I am not the best at giving you advice but you are saying some of the same things I said to my W. It does not work. That one sentence you said to her was a DJ (disrespectful Judgement) and a SD (selfish-demand). If you need more help take a look at my thread "internet affair". LovingAnyway is very good at helping. She helped me tremendously. Look her up she is way better at this than I am.

Seriously though call your W back and tell her you want to stay longer in the house WITH her.

You are right - I'm just stupid - I will call later tonight to say goodnight to kids and see if she'll talk to me.

I just feel like I am accomodating her leaving me and she is being allowed to just dictate this whole process without discussing anything or taking mine or the girls feelings into account.

IF I just accept everything she wants then she gets away faster and I've lost her and the family, If i don't gice her everything she wants she will resent me more. I can't win.

I appologised for my mesages and told her I wanted to stay longer so we can have time for me to prove my commitment.

She doesn't want to - and she actually said that she would be trying to arrange not to stay in the house then because I won't accept it.

Thanks to all for help but I give up.

Since this post my wife has moved in with her parents then a rented house about a month ago.

I have just been as nice and agreeable as possible in relation to finances and care of the kids and not pressured her or attempted to talk about reconciliation. But she has been pleasant enough.

I have been continuing to see a counselor myself.

Our anniversary was 12 november - i gave her a gift of photo albums of digital pictures we had accumulated. Nothing from her.

Our house finally sold on monday. I had been thinking of offering the other "His needs, her needs" book to her and asked her if she would like to read it. She basically said she will never want to talk to about reconciliation and that we should see other people.

I asked her if she was already and I accused her of seeing someone else since before we sperated. She didn't deny it, she just justified her actions by rasining the same character assasinating [censored] and blamed me for destroying the maariage again. She then said it was none of my "effing" buisness.

So there ya go. All this time I thought it was me and it was her having an affair.