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#21320 10/16/99 10:03 PM
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what do i do with the rage ifeel towards my SO - i used to call her my W, but i feel that is too good for her- and HIM? I want to hurt them both - mentally . i want to DESTROY them both i want to EXPOSE their affair- even though i'm just paranoid, so she says- to everyone:<BR>HER FRIENDS<BR>HIS FRIENDS<BR>COWORKERS ( they work together)<BR>HER FAMILY<BR>HIS FAMILY<BR>BABYSITTERS<BR>TEACHERS<BR>PEOPLE ON THE STREET<BR>CAUSUAL AQUANTINCESS<BR>EVERYONE<BR>I WANNA PUBLISH IT IN THE PAPER!!!!!!<P>HELP!!<P>ahem.....i do feel a little better.<BR>but what do you do with the rage- i can't talk to her for 5 minutes bfore i start giving her snide comments and remarks. i know more about this guy then i care too..beleive me.<BR> i am giving them both way too much power over me....other then that, my son and i had a good time at Chuck E. Cheeeses...highly reccomend ear plugs!!<P>a little help?

#21321 10/16/99 10:12 PM
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Do what you are doing let it out here!!! Go running, hit a punching bag. Let it out but let it out in constructive manner not destructive. But don't hold it in. It will only fester and get worse. I read somewhere to drive out to the country and in deserted place get out and yell and scream. Let your emotions out. <BR>I know what youmean about knowing more about the OP then you ever wanted too. My H told me everything about the OW and their affair. Sometimes it is hard to get those pictures ou of your mind. My H is liveing with the OW, I cant' remember if you SO is living with the OM? I know you want to tell everyone because you are trying to lay on a guilt trip but it doesn't work. Hope this helps a little bit.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

#21322 10/16/99 10:25 PM
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Covenant,<BR>Do what you know is right, do EXPOSE them both to all that you can. Open the door on this Evil, let the light of Truth shine on them both, and make them take the heat of others "Knowing".<P>I know nothing of your story except this one post, you have a Right to your Rage. Let your Rage OUT,,let your wife and her "scumbag" live with you all over them with the Truth.<P>(by the way....you might hear some strange replies from the regulars here...but don't worry....as Steve Harley has written,,,if HE screwed another woman,,his wife has said she would KILL HIM!!!!...Mr. Harley says, if his wife screwed another Man,,that he would never SEE her again...strong stuff huh??? None of this "Covenant,,,get rid of your Anger...it is hurting your marriage"....the Harleys are very straight forward in what they would do if one of them destroyed the marriage.<P>Go do what you know is right.<P>Take Care,<BR>DG99(H)

#21323 10/16/99 10:39 PM
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Covenant,<P>Do what di recommends.<P>Let it out here!!!!<BR>I still want to do the most unthinkable things to my W's OM. I am too embarassed to even mention the horrible thoughts that go through my mind (things to hurt OM in particular)<P>This is a safe place to let it out.<BR>Going out to nature and screaming your head off is good.<BR>I... like many on this BB also find just talking to God (prayer) very helpful...<P>I have found that the most important thing I did was to <B>forgive my wife...</B> it doesn't mean I forget the things she did to me... but by forgiving her... it gave me the greatest of power! If I wouldn't have fogiven her... I'd be holding on to all the <I>poison</I> that would never let me take hr back. Not forgiving her would have made me bitter, resentful and lower than the scum I see the OM to be.<P>By forgiving her... YES... that means letting her know that too... you free yourself. You give yourself the permission to be a human again. Instead of a hateful bast..d.<P>Even if you're not religious... talk to someone... talk to us...<P>We don't judge...<BR>We know where you've been...<BR>Some know where you're going...<P>Jim<P>---------<BR>I can dare myself... I'll put a pebble in my shoe...<BR>I can walk... I can walk! I shall call the pebble Dare...<BR>Dare shall be carried... And when we both have had enough<BR>I will take him from my shoe, singing... "Meet your new road!"...<BR>Finally glad... Finally glad... That you are here... By my side...<BR>

#21324 10/16/99 10:41 PM
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Anger that is release destructively never helped anyone. That is part of the problem with the world today. You get mad at some one or something let 'em have it. People get mad and shoots someone because they cut them off in traffic. Anger is destructive not only to the person it is aimed at but also to the person who is angry! I' msure we all have said if such and such happen I would kill them or other such nonsense. BUt Until things happen to you, you don't know what you will do. What good does exposing them do? Everyone will find out soon enough. Do you want your marriage to be over? Do you want to make sure your wife never comes back? The let your rage go. Because that is what will happen. Rage is just as eveil as the affair and since when does two wrongs make a right? <BR>Disgraced99 you are too angry and full of pain. I said the same things to you do you want your marrriage to be over or you ready to let go of your S? Because if you show that rage and anger to your S any chance of getting him?her back will be gone is that what you really want?

#21325 10/16/99 11:59 PM
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Dont' know if this will help, but here goes. Revenge is one thing - anger is another. I am not one for revenge, but believe me I am struggling with my own anger about being betrayed and deceived for many years. My H doesn't want to lose me and has said I'm the most important person in the world to him. All I think now is that he should have thought of that sooner IF I meant so much to him. I do not like my anger. My H certainly does not like my anger. But, I am angry and fearful of being lied to again - my trust is in the ditch. Maybe time will help... but remember, revenge is not ours. Anger? I don't think it is strange to have major anger... it is coming from major pain. Tis my guess. Me too, I've gone out alone and cried... and mourned unto the Lord. May God help you with your anger - and may He help me too!

#21326 10/17/99 06:22 AM
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No, she is not living with the OM. She asked me to leave, she neded some "space". I hacked into her email and got some proof. Now, having that proof makes me wanna use it. She is not pressing for the divorce, in fact, our son (he's 4) and her are attending therapy right now. I have been in some kind of therapy since this happened in May.<P>I just can't stop being mean to her becausre i know. i have read his needs, her needs and somewhat understand thew whole thing, and know that if she agreed to it, we could get past it. I know my mistakes as a H and friend...I don't know, the anger is just so huge its unbelivable.i have never been so angey in my life.<P>I just want to show her my proof- the hacked emails- and say "look, stop lying...or explain this". it may be illegal what i have done..i dont mean to push or shove, but i am SO TIRED OF THE GOD***** LIES!!!<P>any reponse, i wont do it if it is not suggessted. thanks,

#21327 10/17/99 07:50 AM
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Vent, vent, and vent...that's my advise. I would also confront her with the evidence. There's no reason for you to live with the lies when you have proof.<P>Hang in there...<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

#21328 10/17/99 08:20 AM
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Dear Convenent:<BR>Could it be that your anger is more directed toward you right now then at your wife? I say that is because you have given them/her the power over you and have felt that you are in a position where there is nothing you can do....powerless? Wrong! You need to take control of yourself and your life. After all, who is going to do that better than you. You are angry and frustrated at your wife, by all rights, but the rage as you put it would not be so intense if you had more power within yourself to do something about the situation. Thus, this is also affecting your self-esteem. Your self-esteem, why not, is in the dumps because your wife is having the affair. There you are, with no outlet and no answers with all these emotions ready to explode into one big rage. Why?? Yes, let it out by punching a bag, going into the field and screaming your head off. Then, really sit down somewhere very quiet, possibly by a lake or shore, alone, and really think about what you want in the marriage. Do you want to be with her? Do you want this to keep going on? Really make a stance, decide and go and stick to it. Take control of YOUR life!!! You deserve better than this. Has this what it has come down to??? We all get so very frustrated and angry. Hell, I've been there so many times, but, I have also taken control of my life and decided that I will not be taken for granted, used or disrespected. I want to be treated like a wife. I want to be respected. I will not have my husband cheat/have an affair anylonger. I have decided what is important to me and my life. I have told my husband that I will be treated with respect, treated like I am his wife with love and a great willingness to make this marriage work. I will not accept anything less from him and will not accept anything less to be given into the marriage of 110% work. These are the things that are important to me. I don't live for my husband. He decided at the time to have an affair. This was his decision. My decision is what I have said. He knows this. If it is what he wants, which he said he did, then we will work on the marriage together. IF not, then that's o.k. too, since I will not chase him and try to keep someone who does not want to be with me. It takes two people. When one is not interested in making it work, what's the use in holding on. Yes, we have two children. But, I also have me. I have taken all I can. I believe that you need to think things through and decide what you really want. Stick to what you believe in. Don't back down. Even if it possibly means divorce. As long as your wife wants to work on the marriage and does things towards working on it, then by all means, go for it. Do whatever you can to keep the marriage. I think you need to think. Go for a run and get that anger out. Anger isn't good for you mentally or physically. Anger can destroy you. Anger is not a friend and will get you into trouble. Without anger, you can truly move on towards a better life. If forgiveness is there, anger will disappear. All things take time. It may take a long time. But, aren't you worth something?

#21329 10/17/99 08:38 AM
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Hi<P>I have always had trouble expressing anger .... I tend to close down, and let it fester, rather than letting it out. When I really needed to express some constructive anger earlier this year, I was directing it at anyone except my H .... the OW + OW + OW, the kids, my mum ... everyone else. My psychologist helped me a lot by explaining that this was totally normal, it was much easier to direct anger at anyone except my H, because there was so much less to lose .... direct that anger at him, and who knows what I might stand to lose? or that's what my subconscious was telling me, without me knowing. She helped me learn to release my anger appropriately, by punching a pillow for 10 mins a day ... weird at first, but after a while, quite constructive.<P>Another thing I found really useful, another suggestion from her, was when I was really upset and angry, to drive the car down to the beach, where not many people go, make sure all the windows were up, and scream, and scream, and scream. The echo in the car makes it really loud and productive!! I could then go for a long walk on the beach, and feel as if some of my tension was released. Try it ... if not at the beach, then out in the bush or somewhere private.

#21330 10/17/99 08:45 AM
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katya and joanie- thanks<P>yes, the anger is mine, not hers. i guess the acceptance of knowing there is nothing i can do just drives me crazy. powerlessness. <BR>i do deserve better- but what do i do. we both want a good marriage doesn't everyone? but i have not worked on it as i should have, i have not fullfilled my end of the bargain- she tried for years and now she is tired of working on it. i dont wanna give up, nor should i ...... i guess i dont know what i want. i want her to see that WE CAN GET PAST THIS!!! i truly beleive that, but i cannot give her the willingness.<P><BR>can shcome back on me if i show her the emails that i hacked into? i felt somewhat like a stalker, but judas priest! we are maarid- our communication sucked, leisure time sucked,our sex life was not reciprocal- all those things. it just hurts really bad.<P>i just dont know, when in doubt do nothing i guess. thanks again. any more replies would be helpful..

#21331 10/17/99 08:48 AM
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i just realized- i am a full member now! no more junior member for me<P>WOOHOO!! ( insert best homer simpson imitation here)

#21332 10/17/99 05:15 PM
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Covenant:<P>Just an FYI... Although hate and anger definitely have their place in the aftermath of discovery, I myself would be extremely wary of anyone who preaches about the healing powers of hatred.<BR><P>------------------<BR>No marriage was ever healed by the judicious application of hatred.

#21333 10/17/99 05:36 PM
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Covenant,<BR>By you title I take it you are a Christian. I know where you are. The rage is a tough one to deal with. For the first time in nearly 6 years since first affair and the 8th affair by my count, I reached the rage level of anger. I have found that I needed to study scripture on forgiveness. Go to <A HREF="http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb941/" TARGET=_blank>http://www.gospelcom.net/rbc/ds/cb941/</A> and read the booklet. It has helped me deal with the rage. I am still struggling with it because He wants me to feel as well as understand the rage that is in my W's heart. She doesn't realize it yet. I am trying to help our boys deal with what their mother dishes out but can't stand to receive.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

#21334 10/17/99 05:48 PM
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Covenant,<BR>It is alright to be angry, but you must turn that nager away from your wife(ask my poor filing cabinet). Your anger will just drive her away and give her justification for leaving you. This will help her prove to herself that she was "right" in her decision to want to leave you.<P>As my w and I try to reconcile she occaisonally brings up things I said in anger during her affair. While they may be true it has damaged our relationship too(as if the affair wasn't enough).<P>I also told everybody and anybody about my w's affair and her leaving me. Now I'm swallowing my pride as I do want her back. I now wish I hadn't told so many people at least not all the details. It did help me keep my sanity though.<P>Unfortuneatly you have to have patience in this matter and Lord I know its tuff. Instead of being angry ask the Lord to remove the anger and replace it with something else. Also kept you child's best interest in mind. What ever is best for the child is best for you.<P>

#21335 10/18/99 02:31 AM
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Katya,<P>I like what you said here! Very sound advice. Now I just need to figure out how to use it well. What you think is what I think, but I keep getting double messages from H about wanting us together; verbal 'yes' w/ most actions 'nay'. At this point, I don't think H knows what he wants and he certainly knows how to get the opposite of what he says he wants. It has been several months since I discovered the special secret ow and since there was no sexual affair (only emotional) I am told that my estimation of the severity of the situation is incorrect. Now, this lil deal went on for well over a dozen years and included gifts. Long story, but I was in total shock/shook/yelled/etc. Twenty six years ago, there was the first preferring of ow to me (and that contained sexual things), and then several flirtations in front of me with ow. But we are getting old and I thought good things were on the way... until boom! This 'boom' has about done me in. I like what you said about thinking all things through and deciding what you want. My anger? It is massive at times, but the deception is about more than I can endure. If H had let me know about it (as Harley advises), the situation would not now be threatening the rest of the marriage years. I could have helped H. But instead I will always know, H didn't want help... he wanted to do what felt good to him at the time, with no regard or thought of me, except to keep this massive secret from me. When I asked him why he never told me, H told me it was because I would not have understood. That time, H spoke the truth! I thought venting here might help where no one knows who I am. Outraged is what I feel at times though it is better than at the start. Input welcome. And Katya, keep encouraging... I know you have the right outlook - hooray for you!

#21336 10/18/99 03:43 PM
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Dear Costly Hat:<BR>First, welcome, if you are new to the forum. I just never saw your name. Secondly, thank you for the kind words. I always appreciate it when someone listens to what I am saying and takes it into consideration. Your situation is like mine. But, mine did not last for soooooo many years like yours. My posts are "No affection, No sex, No intimacy" and "What I did to the ow". To sum it up, my husband was also having an emotional affair. Those are the worse kind! I found this out about 3-4 weeks ago. There has been no sex for 2 years and it was just getting worse and worse between us. One day, I decided to snoop and get into his computer and on his emails, since he is ALWAYS on the computer. Well, to my astonishment, there was an e-mail he apparently forgot to delete which read, "Huney". My post says the rest. But, I also screamed, cried, was filled with anger. But, this was it. I wasn't taking anymore of it. That night after he came home, I showed him the email(I printed it out) and he was shocked. After I ran around the house screaming like a lunatic for a couple of hours, I calmed down. I went to my room, closed the door and got myself together. I went downstairs as calmly as can be and asked why. Then I proceed to ask him what he wanted and that I needed to know right then and there. He had 2 years of playing around with my emotions and I wasnt going to stand for another day. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he wanted the marriage. I told him that I would not take anything less from him anymore. I told him that I will be treated like a wife should be treated, to treat me with respect, and if he really wanted to save this marriage, he was going to work hard as hell to make it work. That I would not be accepting anything less than 120% from him. I told him that all the games have stopped and if he did not want the marriage and was not willing to committ there and then, I was filing the next morning for divorce. To me, personally, I wasted enough time...2 years, to only find out that he was seeing her for 1 year. Right after I got a fulltime, overnight job because he wanted me to to help with the bills, he started with the ow. I think that is alot of nerve and told him so. Here I am, raising two daughters, 1 and 3 years old, I am with them all day long until they go to bed, then I go to work at 11:00 pm and don't come home until 8:00am and my day starts all over again. I just didn't need all this from him. I can survive on my own, if I need to. I can stand on my own two feet. To have or not have my husband does not make me a whole person. Sure, this would be such a devasting thing and such a lousy way to have a marriage end, but, this is not a healthy situation to be in if he does not want to work at it. So far, huh, don't know. Our anniversary of 5 years just passed on Saturday and I just got a card and dinner. No, I'm not too happy about that. I was kind of pissed off because 5 years together and all I got was a card. That might sound selfish, but, I think our marriage is worth more than a card. Or at least I am. This is why I posted to Convenant and told him to make a stand. I guess I'll say the same for you. You are worth something. You deserve to be treated with respect and nothing less. Don't take this from him. If he is serious, then he will DO something about the marriage and treat you right. I am so sick of "yes I will" and then they don't do anything. My husband told me the same thing for months and months. Everytime I asked him if he wanted the marriage, he would say yes. But then, wouldn't do a darn thing about it. I just don't have the time for nonsense any longer. I feel as though you marry the person you want to spend your life with and here they are saying one thing but doing another. So, if they messed up by having the emotional affair, end it and work on the marriage. I feel for you very much. I know what your going through. But, I also know that you can be strong enough to make the right decisions for yourself and not let anyone tell you different, once you decide what YOU want for your life. Don't live your life for him. Live your life for yourself. You were put on this earth without him. You will die without him. The inbetween life is what you make of it. Don't waste it by sitting there and mooping (?) and begging him . You should never have to beg anyone, especially your husband. If anything, your husband should be trying his damn hardest to make the marriage work and to show you how much he really loves you, wants you, and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If someone, like him, is saying "Yeah" and is not doing anything, he doesn't sound to serious to me. Well, I guess I said a whole page worth by now. I don't know what this is all worth to you. But, you are important. You were important enough, loving enough, beautiful enough for your husband to have married you. Guess what? Your still all those things. Think about it.

#21337 10/18/99 03:51 PM
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Right on Katya!!! I always enjoy reading posts from people like you -- people who refuse to lay down and take sh*t from their spouses just 'coz Harley principles say so [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com])<P>Keep it up, you're an inspiration

#21338 10/18/99 04:19 PM
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Cristalle:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I always enjoy reading posts from people like you -- people who refuse to lay down and take sh*t from their spouses just 'coz Harley principles say so<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I’d be really interested in seeing where you saw this particular recommendation from Dr Harley. If you can provide a link it would be really enlightening, since the principles Dr Harley actually espouses are used to <B>save</B> marriages.<P>Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?<BR><P>------------------<BR>No marriage was ever healed by the judicious application of hatred.

#21339 10/19/99 08:35 AM
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Katya,<P>Thanks for the welcome. Yep, I'm new to this forum though have read it off and on for a while - just got the guts to write. I have a couple of people who keep telling me I'm not nuts, but I've sure doubted my sanity plenty... and now I see you know the impact of the 'emotional affair', and it makes me feel LOTS better! Thanks. Funny in a small way, you are wanting nicer gifts (yes you do deserve, I think something romantic for your 5th anniversary)... and I can't stand to get gifts right now because of the gifts he bought ow, I want nothing! Glad to hear that you ran around the house yelling, etc [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I yelled and cried longer than you... but I've been married well over thirty years (maybe that gives me more yellin' time, lol). I can stay away from it, then I get po'd at the neglect and yell some more. I will be reading you other posts when I get time, but now I have to leave to see my therapist... so I can get some more feed back to help me believe I'm not bonkers. My H thought the whole thing would be over a few days after I discovered them... I am trying to get enough wits about me to know I am not the lousy w who has deserved these ow in her marriage. I know, that doesn't sound intelligent... but I am not real bright right now [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Thanks for your feed back too... another woman walkin in the exact same shoes. I really like your statement about not being born on this earth with him... I'm just having a real hard time understanding that 'till death do us part' may have already occured - because I am not getting over this like I thought I could. And as I said H told me that he did not agree with my assessment of the severity of the situation. So, I guess I count you as another vote... about the severity of emotional affairs. I better run. Thanks again for your feedback - I know you are going to be okay and YES you are capable! God bless and may He wake your H up... while you are both young!


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