Hi,
Earlier last month, I caught my husband at a bar (that we both visit) with another woman. They were holding hands and he was drunk. My husband has a history of alcohol problems. He also has not been working full time for over 4 years, had to sell his truck, I'm the breadwinner, we're living in his mom's basement with very little privacy, we're in the process of physically building our own house and we're low on money. Basically, we've both been really stressed the last 4 years.
When I caught him with the OW, I confronted him and he wouldn't talk with me because he was drinking. He simply told me that he didn't love me like he used to. He also said, "I'm no good." (referring to him). And, "You deserve better than me.". When I asked who she was, he wouldn't tell me. He only said that he met her at the bar.
We didn't talk for a few days. When I saw him again, he didn't talk about it...he made an excuse to come back to "talk" another time. 3 weeks went by and in that 3 weeks, I saw him once. He came to the house, didn't look good, had beer cans in the trunk, would hardly look at me, etc. So, I talked. I didn't get emotional, I simply said that I was concerned, didn't know what happened and that no matter what,...he was my unconditional friend. Back to where I was... 3 weeks went by from when I caught him with the OW. He left me a typed note. I got home from work and found it. It said that he caught pneumonia and was in the hospital for 4 days and he apologized that it took this long to get this to me. He then proceeded to write that he wanted this to be over and he did not love me anymore. He said that alcohol was not the reason. It happened, he didn't mean for it to happen and I didn't do anything to make it happen. However, he said that he knows alcohol is destructive to himself and those around him and he won't stop.
We've talked since this "note". I made the first move. I called and told him I wanted to review our finances. When I saw him, he was chain-smoking (which he never did before...he has never even smoked before) and he was drinking beer in the car. Other than that, he actually had good eye contact with me and was very cordial. He was also driving this OW's brand new truck.
I found out last week that he, in fact, has been staying with this OW. He never said one word to me in the typed note OR our conversation that he was with someone else. He also hasn't mentioned divorce, although, he moved most of his tools and clothes out of the house.
To give you a little background, my husband and I have been together for 15 years on and off. We dated our last year in highschool, then went our separate ways in college but remained close friends. And, for the past 8 years, we've been living together in a comitted, healthy, solid relationship. We do everything together and always have fun. 4 years ago, we started building our house together (literally the two of us are building it) and 2 1/2 years ago, we decided to get officially married.
I honestly don't know what happened and I feel I need to know in order to move on emotionally. This, as you probably well know, was a HUGE blow. Has this sort of situation happened to anyone else? And if so, any advice or insight?
Thank you for listening. CAZ3
