I discovered this site recently and I am finding it very helpful and it seems to fit with the way I have instinctively reacted so far but I am still a bit lost.

I found out a month ago that my husband of 20 years was having an affair with a woman he works with closely. She is much younger than him. After I found out he said that he loves both of us and couldn't decide between us. He has always been a wonderful, involved dad and, for the first 18 years of our marriage, a great husband. Possibly there was some drift in our marriage in recent years as we have four small children and we live far away from both families so we don't get much help or down-time but I had felt things were improving on that front lately as the youngest is now 4 and going to school except that the drift got worse and I couldn't reach him at all.

Since finding out, I gave him some space to make a decision between us even though I found this excrutiatingly painful for me. He has since then decided to stay with us and deep inside I believe that he still loves me although he may think that he is staying for the children. The problem is that I asked him to break off all contact with her and he resisted this strongly (she doesn't work in the same company but they work closely on the same project) saying that he didn't want other people to guess that they had had an affair. I tried telling him time and again that there was no way I could cope with him seeing her even professionally and I could see that he changed every time he saw her. Last Thursday we reached crisis and he eventually sent an email to her telling her that they needed to cut all contact. (There is a third co-worker who is aware of everything and is willing to transfer info between them so there is no contact) The problem is that she rang him on Friday and then sent an email today detailing her movements so that he could avoid her.

In the meantime I am struggling in my relationship as I feel that he doesn't care about my feelings as the only reason he broke all contact was because I gave him an ultimatum. I also feel that he is not so very sorry for what he has done. He says that he is saying he is sorry but my point is that when he does there's always a 'but' at the end of it. I'm probably being very impatient and expecting too much too soon but I don't know how to behave. I am willing to forgive, at least I think I am, but I need him to ask me for forgiveness in a more heartfelt way and to show me that he cares about my feelings. I am trying to behave as normally as possible but every so often I get mad and hate the way each concession is so begrudgingly given.

Sorry for being so long-winded but I have three questions.

Given that he has now committed to our relationship (even if it's not with enormous enthusiasm) and that he genuinely trying to break all contact with her, how should I behave right now? Should I avoid talking about our marriage, the affair and his behaviour of the past year, subjects that frustrate both of us because we seem so far apart in our perceptions?

Secondly, I feel that he has behaved so selfishly for the past year and for the past month since I found out, thinking only about himself but he doesn't see things that way. He feels like a very different person to me, like a drug addict but I'm now wondering if he will ever come to the realisation of what he has done or do I have to learn to live with his attitude?

Finally, is there a chance that he will continue to view her as an ideal and me as the boring, humdrum wife who he stays with because it's the 'right thing to do'.

I do love him very much although I don't love this man he has become for the past year.




Me 42 years, Him 45 years, OW 27 years
4 children, all girls
Eldest 10 years, Twins 7 years and youngest 4 years

NC also means that OW is not to give out her where abouts for any reason.

His reaction is entirely typical. Sadly, like so many others, you are getting the brunt of it.

Do carry on reading the articles on this site. These are your weapons and armour.

Welcome to the land of healing souls.

Thank you both for your replies. I am finding it so difficult at the moment but there are glimmers of hope.

I'm just not sure if his attitude will change and if it does how soon? I've already read some of the articles and they are great, a real support system. They give me confidence in my instincts and knowing that other people have gone through and are going through the same thing makes me feel that it's possible to come out the other side.

tully,

Your WH's A sounds like a classic infatuation brought on in a mid-life crisis. An infatuation often strikes when someone is emotionally vulnerable, and it causes a rush of hormones in the brain, creating an addictive state of euphoria, as a result of the attention from the OW. Sorry to say, but WH has probably fallen in love with OW, and she's about the only thing on his mind. But the thing is, right now he can't help himself. These hormones create desires and urges towards OP that are nearly impossible to resist. Even though he's broken contact, he is still in the fog (still under the influence of addictive hormones), OW is still on his mind, and he might very well slip and recontact OW.

Right now, his concerns for your feelings are of lower priority, and he probably is agreeing to NC only because of the ultimatum. But take heart, he is not himself right now. He is a drug addict, addicted to the hormones in his head that have been released by his relationship with OW. He is in the fog. But there is hope. These infatuations are finite, and they will end, usually in about 6 months, give or take. After that, they return to there old selves, and often are remorseful for what they've done, and what to reconcile for the harm they've cause to their spouse and their marriage.

In the meantime, until the infatuation wears off, be prepared for a roller coaster ride.

You should read up on Plan A, and implement while he remains in the fog. When the infatuation wears off, and you haven't inflicted a bunch of lovebusters on him, he will more likely want to reconcile with you. If you do hit him with a lot of lovebusters, you'll drive him back to OW. Sorry to be blunt, but that's just the way the infatuated mind works.

Galoot, your analysis sounds spot on to me. It's exactly that. But 6 months sounds so very long to me. The past month has already been an eternity.
Good luck to you with your wife. I see on your profile that you are trying to work it out together. I hope all goes well. I'm off to read up on Plan A.

Yes, its an extremely long time. Afterwards, regardless of which way your relationship with WH goes, the time prior will seem like a different lifetime. How rough your roller coaster ride is for the next several months depends on if or how well your WH sticks to the NC agreement. As Dr. Harley acknowledges, that is very hard for WS, and often they fall of the wagon, so to speak.

A way to tell if he's sticking to NC during the infatuation is whether he goes through some sort of withdrawal. Because he sees NC as losing his soul mate and the love of his life (yea, I know, )he will be sad and depressed. I found this forum several weeks after I thought I had an NC from my FWW, about a month after DDay. When I read about withdrawal, I became suspicious because she didn't exhibit any signs of withdrawal. She said she was relieved that the whole affair was behind us. What she was relieved was that she figured how to cover her tracks. But, with my new suspicion, I snooped and found out she was still seeing OM. So, if your WH doesn't seem down or depressed, suspect that he's not sticking to NC.