So here I am, almost two months into recovery and I feel worse now than I have since d-day. I failed to meet WW's EN's which led to her A. She denied it was PA, I have my doubts. If it was an EA or PA, I don't care. I can't change yesterday, only tomorrow. In any event, I can only change me so I did. She filed for D and I PLAN A'd. She dropped D and her connection has been rebuilding since. Affection is there. SF is there. We talk, hold, cuddle, enjoy doing things together and so on. It is not hard work for me. A few nights ago we went out and instead of going right home, found a quiet parking spot and ..... you know I enjoy the 15+ hours a week we are now spending together.

However, more and more I have been feeling like I just do not want to do it anymore. I feel like I am falling out of love with her. I would almost rather be alone than be with her. Kind of like the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line so many of us have heard. There is no OW in my life or anything like that. I am finding myself in a depressed state at times, thinking how I would like to just pack my stuff one day and never be heard from again. I cannot understand why my feelings are going up and down like they are. Several times throughout the day I was thinking how I wanted to resume the D. Nothing happened to trigger it....no phone calls, no thoughts of OM or anything like that.

WTF is going on?

Jim,

I'm not the best at marriage advice but I am a great dad. I have to say that if she is a good mother then I think you should hang in there and be a good dad. Whatever happened is not the kids fault and being a great dad is an important job.

Also I think you should ask her for some details about the A. It will hurt but I'm guessing that you do actually care what happened.

You're only about three months out from D-day. You've been put through the wringer emotionally, you've been stomped on, beat up, and you're drained. Some part of you is probably wondering "Is it really worth this?"

At least, that's how I felt once the dust started to settle and it looked like things were going to work out. There was a lot of resentment that I'd been put through heck and my "reward" for sticking through it all was not that grand - just a life relatively free of hell on earth stress.

You say she denies it was a PA but you have your doubts. You may not care if it was EA or PA, a betrayal is a betrayal. However at the same time you may be feeling like a marriage without complete and total honesty is not something you want to be a part of. That's reasonable. Think about this, and if you find it to be true for you then communicate this to your wife.

The "don't make any big decisions for six months" rule of thumb is a good one. It takes at least that long for your emotions to even start settling down.

Got to try for six more months.

"If recovery is going good, why do I feel so bad?"

Jim,

Because you have been wounded, bruised, and damaged by what your WW has done. It will take time to heal from. We BS wish it would be easier and overnight, but alas, its not. BUT....if you look at the the alternative, that would not be easy either. Running way serves no purpose, and as they say, your past will eventually catch up to you anyway.

What you are feeling is normal. I have felt the same ways many days, hours, minutes, and moments. We have to push through them....FAKE TILL YOU MAKE IT...as they say on here.

Right now, you want to have your own little pity party if you will. Time to go lick you wounds. And you know what, it is ok to go do that. (I do not mean that sound crass....)

As time goes by, it will get easier...And when you are really down, come here as usual for your support....

not2fun