I actually believe that is true CJ, though I'd never put in context with adultery before. It was certainly true when I was a dating teenage and it's what I tell my teenage Goddaughter today.

From an adultery standpoint, I also believe that women are more hurt by the emotional aspects of their WH's A while men are more hurt by the physical. I know in my own case I was immediately willing to forgive the sex. Hearing him tell OW he loves her - I'll never get over that.

Tabby, I agree with you 100% the opposite way (perspective). As a BH I can forgive WW for her emotions towards OM, especialy knowing that I'm reserved emotionaly and find it difficult to communicate on that level with her, leaving her wanting. BUT, knowing that she allowed another guys "!" into her and the mental pictures I can see I can almost hit the roof somedays and am often so angry that I question why it's worth it to want her back. Still.....I love her....and want to forgive.....so hard....

Maybe so, but there is a manipulative intentionality hinted at in those statements that saddens me.

I'm a fan of 'loving detachment' with a cruel WS, but I wasn't a good practitioner. My experience during my Plan A was that lovemaking with my wayward spouse intensified my emotional connection to her and generated strong feelings of love. It was an emotionally confusing time for me.

I've come to think of it as more like "sex fosters love". This sounds like a restatement of the fact that those with a need for SF will feel love (i.e., gain deposits in their love bank) when their spouse meets their need.

- WG

I agree. Stated another way, men can emotionally disconnect from sex (sex for the sake of sex) while women use the sex to gain love. Since SF is consistently high on men's EN, the emotion comes later from the SF.

I did,Daniel,

My wife moved out of our house into OM house and then affair became physical. I wasted a lot of time prior to finding His needs-Her needs and Surviving an Affair at library. I changed my methods and stopped trying to teach her what she should be doing or telling her how bad she was. I worked on making myself a better person and had some fun with the kids, finished things around the house I left undone and dropped 51 lbs on the Affair Diet. I became a better "catch" I really think that my wife's way of looking at it is she didn't want anyone else catching me.

The only part of the stick I didn't use was exposure. If I had done that she would have never, ever come back. I know her too well. She was most afraid of the "saint and sinner" lables.

We've been back together 5 years? I try not to keep track anymore. Had Our 20th anniversary earlier this year.

Life's not always easy but we are better together.

Daniel

I do believe that (like we learn in raising children) encouraging good behavior reinforces it and makes anybody more likely to repeat it. Criticizing bad behavior, however, is not as clear to me. Seems like it can cause resentment, anger, hurt feelings, feelings of inferiority, etc.

Seems like most men responding are saying they've done a plan A. Maybe WW didn't move in with OM, but most appear to have moved out.

So perhaps we need to rethink the idea that men don't plan A.

The reality is that of the men who are here most DID plan A, and most did NOT achieve a recovered marriage.

Ultimately the decision to end the affair is 100% on the wayward wife. We must not even hint that it was the BH's fault his wife could not or would not keep her vows. She owns her affair and failure to remain faithful, and exactly ZERO blame goes to the BH.

It doesn't matter if he did or didn't do a plan A. Failure totally belongs to the WW who fails to end her affair and return to the marriage.