Hello,

I need advice. My story is long, but I will try and condense.

About two years ago my husband and I moved cross country for his job. We had a new house and baby. The opportunity was a great one for him. I quit my job to be a stay at home mom. The move was good, but had some stresses. We could not sell our old house, hastily bought a new one, and I was adjusting to not working, leaving family and friends. All pressures fell on my husband's shoulders and we were all alone.

We've always had a great, strong relationship. He came from broken home. Parents unreliable, with both essentially abandoning him as a child. He was a delinquent teenager, had to deal with an evil stepmom, etc. I thought he had risen above these issues.

With the added stresses we would fight more than usual. One resulted in my husband saying sometimes he can't handle the marriage and felt he did not always love me the same. He was afraid our marriage would only get worse.

I tried to make things better for him, but he began to regress. He started putting up walls, becoming introverted, hanging out more with friends and drinking.

We tried counseling. He was committed to making things work. He always expressed he didn't know why he was doing what he was doing. He was constantly confused. We established there was/is no one else and I believe all that would have come out in the wash.

After a couple months, I concluded he may be suffering from depression. After three good counseling sessions and one bad weekend, he said he was done with the marriage. He had become unreliable, selfish and increased drinking. He was hanging out with much younger coworkers and ditching his family responsibilities.

Unfortunately, I could not fathom being alone. We agreed to work on ourselves and decided I would need to move back home with our daughter. He said he needed to try and "get better." He agrees he does not want to be rash with his feelings and began individual therapy. I have asked many times in anger, etc. if he does want a divorce now, and he says he wants to go to therapy and see what happens.

So now we are eight weeks into our separation. My daughter and I are back west. He is tortured with being lonely, but continues to go out and drink. I trust him when he says he is faithful and not in that frame of mind. He says his feelings haven't changed, but he is enjoying therapy and it does seem that he is coming to some realizations. He waffles and says he sees a light at the end of the tunnel but doesn't know what it means and then says (when angry) he doesn't want to be my husband.

On top of this, my company offered me my old job back and due to an uncertain future I took it. He is actually accepting a job transfer in Albuquerque to be closer. He says if we get back together we will make it all work.

As you can see, this is a long story. There are many holes to fill. He is confused and continuously confusing me. I just need advice on how to deal with all of this. He came to visit this weekend. We all hung out and it was great. Our foundation allows us to continue a close, friendly relationship. I believe my husband cares very deeply for me. I am just not sure why he is doing this. He said he is has not fixed the issues in his head yet. He also believes sometimes he does not deserve my love. All this hurts. I feel in the end, I believe he broke our marriage, I am not sure if I want him back, and that he is destroying his life. I am not sure if this will work itself out, I try to come to the realization I need to move on, but it is so hard after nine years of being together.

Thank you for reading... if you have made it this far.

Ok need more info how long have you guys been split up. I am dealing with a similar situation right now. I have come to the conclusion that I do not want to divorce but I will not kill myself trying to chase her down. The fact that he comes from a broken home plays into the fact that he learned from his parents action weather he knows it or not. With the right help both of you can save you family. You both need to fix you'r individual problems before you can fix the marriage. It can be done though stay strong and prayer never hurt anybody or anything.

Thanks for the support. We have been separated for about 10 weeks now. I am back west and he is about to make a move closer within a month. I am working on backing off and giving him some space right now. This is both for him and I. We are both working on each other, individual counseling, and he just admitted he plans to find a new therapist when he moves. This makes me happy.

This statement concerns me:

Never think being a stay-at-home Mother has no pressures. They were just as strong as your H's. I used to get that too. I would cook,clean,bake,take care of the baby,etc. I would sometimes be up 36 hours with our son due to illness so my H could sleep because he "worked". My days were long and very stressful because I handled everything because my H "worked".
You worked also when you moved. I remember moving here when our son was 2 and they promptly sent my H out of town. I knew no one and it was up to me to unpack,take care of our son,set up banking accounts,etc. I was a wreck when he got home and I got,"I wish IIII could stay home". I told him he was welcome to,that I would go back to work. THEN,I could get some sleep. THEN I could sit in a chair kick my shoes off,read the newspaper AND order HIM to get me coffee. THEN,I could go to bed at 9pm and leave HIM with a child that wouldn't asleep or was sick all night. I'd be sure to get up at night or during a nap telling him to,"Can't you keep him quiet"?
Even last night,I got mad at him. The dogs were barking and HE wakes ME up to get them to stop. Sheesh! And again, I got,"III work,I need more sleep". This from a man that takes a nap everyday now. HE got up with the dogs.
Never think you don't have stresses being a stay-at-home Mom. It's estimated that,if SAHM'S were paid for their work,we would make at least $150,000 a year.
My H is better about it but our child is grown now. NOW,I am pressured to "go back to work". Heck,even on vacation,I worked. I was the one that sat in the hot laundromat washing and drying clothes while they went off to do something "fun".
But he did get a taste of what it is like to be a SAHM when we all stayed in one room on vacation. He said he had no idea how little our child slept and I must have been exhausted. Ya think?

My 2 cents, for what they are worth which may or may not be much, are seperations can be good for a marriage if they have the purpose of space, perspective, and you continue to work on your problems.

If you ignore the issues and the seperation turns into two seperate lives it will be near impossible to fix.

I agree with your sentiment. It is good we are both in individual counselling, but is it enough? I don't know. Right now we are living two separate lives, but isn't that also the purpose?

I can only speak from my experience... IC is certainly good as both people need to work on themselves, but I would think its too easy to put off the problems which led to the seperation. If they get put off too long, it's harder to fix.

In my situation, IC was not enough to save the relationship at the end. We both worked on ourselves and made progress, but in the end it drove us farther from each other. Not because we started fighting more, but because we just formed new lives.

I think had we worked on healing US at the same time as healing indvidually things would have worked out differently.
As a side note, it takes both to be willing. I was not at the time but if I could have a do over I would have agreed.

It was hard to see that during the seperation, but looking back I would have done things differently. I would have gone to couples counceling along with the IC. Even if its just to take baby steps - Many slow baby steps can built over time and help.

Thanks for the insight. I wanted to, my husband tried, then gave up because it got hard, he got scared. Now we are apart and I agree that we should be working together.

He just wants his space now and live his life. Not sure how this will end. I just feel like if he wanted a D, he would do it.

I will reply to you again later tonight, I do want to comment on my personal situation based upon your last post but I dont have time now......

"Thanks for the insight. I wanted to, my husband tried, then gave up because it got hard, he got scared. Now we are apart and I agree that we should be working together."

I was the same way, I went to a couple of couples sessions and ended up quitting because I did not want to put in the effort. I ended up moving out for a seperation. It was easier. I always though it would be there when I was ready, only I never was. Not until it was too late.

"He just wants his space now and live his life. Not sure how this will end. I just feel like if he wanted a D, he would do it. "

Its too easy to fall back into being "single". I dont mean having partners or anything like that, but living the good life. Drinking with friends, answering to no one, etc... It was very alluring. But the longer it goes on that farther apart we grew. We still communicated, we still had lunch and other things like that that gave the impression that things were ok but we never worked on our marital problems. And then it got to a point where it was too late. I cant tell you exactly what that point was, but she eventually moved on. It was very hard for me because I was the one who did not want to put the effort in when it mattered. By the time I did it was too late, she was already gone. I mean gone in the sense that not only had she given up hope, but she had physically moved on with another. While I cant blame her, I am hurt because some on the problems in our marriage seemed to have dissapeared with the other man. But thats another story.

I dont know if thing would have eneded up differently had I not fallen into the seperated trap where it was easy to ignore the real issues or if she had left long ago and nothing I did would have mattered.

I do know I if I could go back, I would have tried much earlier. Because had I made that effort I could live the rest of my life without the regret I now live with.

I would think that he can stay seperated forever, live his life as a seperated person free but know you are waiting. What he does not realize is that while you are certainly waiting and hoping to work on the issues, there is a limit. I dont know what that is, but it is certainly there. And I hope he realizes that before it is too late like I did.

I dont know what advice to offer you other than to tell you my story and the things I would have done differently. While I seem to have played the part of your husband hopefully you can gain some insight from it.

Hoping for the best for you,

Wow thank you for your honesty. I do believe my husband could be in your shoes at some point.

I am sorry for your heartache. But at least you can look back and learn from things. I hope he can do the same.

Yeah, it is fun to go out. But his sister and I both agree it might be wearing thin of him. She thinks he is relieved about his move closer. He told her, with less distractions, he will be able to think about things. Granted these are the distractions he invites.

We agreed to try and work on our issues, if not for ourselves or marriage, for our daughter. I know he is sincere in that. He has many issues to overcome. He continues to hurt and say we need to maintain boundaries. Too weird for him to divulge his feelings right now.

I have told him, I may not be there is he comes around. He actually expressed some fear and concern saying, "don't think I haven't thought of that." I believe he is still scared of me abandoning him completely and believes I may have done so by leaving the state.

I hope he can see the truth before it is too late. The damage done may have destroyed what we had. We can rebuild it, but I feel myself slipping away.

I dont think its too late to ever save a marriage where there is love, excpecially when there are children involved.

There are no children in my story, maybe if there were it would have been enough to make the difference.

I hope you work it all out and end up with the happiness you seek.

Keep posting, there are many people here who have alot of good things to say, good advice to give, where I can only offer you my personal experiences.

Thank you. I do believe there is some love still there. He knows what we had. I will continue to post, the advice here has been valuable.

As long as there is love, there is a chance for a future of happiness. I know some say love it not enough, and they are right, but love and a firm commitment to work at solving the issues, how to preevent new issues, and addressing each others needs seems to be the golden ticket.

Just a little update.

We have set plans to visit my husband at his new place for Thanksgiving. It works out best for my job and for my daughter to have as much time with him as possible. Not sure if we are going to spend Thanksgiving Day together. That would most likely be my choice and I am not sure if I want to.

On another note, he mentioned to be a few weeks ago he smoked pot with some buddies. He then admits these buddies (who he hangs with quite often) are potheads. He says he didn't know until know. I don't mind the occasional recreational drug use, but too much, well you know.

So last night he called to say good night to our daughter. He went out and sometimes when he goes out he stays at his buddy's place. Probably too messed up to drive home. He says he can't deal with being in our house and it makes him go crazy. I try to believe him because he always volunteers this information. I figure if he was doing something really inappropriate he could do it at our empty house and be home or he wouldn't tell me he was sleeping away. Perhaps I am being naive again. I even question, if he was unfaithful would I even care? I know this isn't my husband and he is not acting like himself.

Anyway, I speak with him and am 99% sure he is high. He is yawning alot, slow speech and losing focus. My daughter is trying to talk with him and he is talking over her to talk to me. It pissed me off and I told him to be quiet, she is speaking.

Now I ask you for those who have been through this, who abducted my husband and replaced him with this guy? Where did my real husband go? I believe again this is a combo of depression and mid life crisis. Will my real husband come back? Cause I don't want this one.

I have been though this, from the oposite end of you... And again, since I did not realize my mistakes until too late and failed trying to save my marriage, I can only tell you my experiences and what was going through my mind during my dark times. (I saw dark times like it was in the past, they are still dark). I cannot offer advice, just experience. Hopefully you can draw insight from them.

I did not turn to drugs, I turned to alcohol. I began drinking alot and frequently. I am lucky I did not kill someone else or myself. It's the quick and easy way to escape from the reality that is your life. It turns you into someone else. In My Case I did not like the person I had become, alcohol was the easy way to not deal with that. You are happy until the next day and you start all over again. Maybe your husband's way is pot.

I realized at some point that I was not happy, that I needed to change but did not know how. So Alcohol won again. Its such an easy way to escape your problems. Its much easier than working on fixing them so you dont need an escape. Fixing the underlying issues takes self reflection, hard work, and humility. Thats not easy, expecially for a man. Its hard to seek help for depression. It still is for me, talkig about the hard issues.Its hard to put youself out there for the world to see all your flaws. I did not do this until it was too late, had I done this 6 months prior to the end, I would not live with regret that I now have.

So where did your real husband go? I cant answer that, Im sure my beautiful wife asked the same thing. I was always in there, just burried beneath deep within myself not wanting to come out. She gave up hope, and moved on because of my reluctance to change. It took a long time but I am only now finding myself again. I wish with all that I am I had changed sooner, she waited for me and I took too long.
He may be in there too, he may be wanting to come back to himself but just does not know how.

I wish I knew how to tell you to help him find the path, but I dont know that answer. I dont know that there is an answer. Its him with the problem not you, you can only be the best person you can be and lead by example. For me it took events to unfold that woke me up and make me realize what a fool I had been. Now I pay the price.

I think the advice on this site can work if used. I have read many stories of its success. Have you become familiar with the Plans? Have you done any?

Thank you again for your story. Some hope I have is my husband does recognize he has issues, him and his therapist agree that these issues are contributing to his current behavior and he is trying to seek help.

His sister said that I have always helped him be a better person and I continue to do so as I was the one to make him go to therapy. This situation and fall out is now causing him to address possible abandonment and anger issues he has had all his life. Things he was able to supress for a very long time with me. I believe our major life change, new baby, stress, family life, being the sole bread winner, mid-life crisis caused this depression to emerge.

I know now he is the only one that can work through this.

What do you do when you husband can start showing signs of improvement, calling, emails, etc, and then all of a sudden act like a jerk, says he doesn't want to talk, etc? I don't want to talk but then I have to because of our daughter. The whole time he acts annoyed, etc. How do I balance his moodiness without taking it so personally?

You create - ahead of time - consequences that he will have to deal with. He will know ahead of time what will happen when he crosses those safe boundaries you have put up for you and your daughter.

When he crosses them - GIVE HIM THE CONSEQUENSES! You are NOT helping him by feeling sorry for him. Be strong for your daughter's sake.

Thank you. I wish I had the strength right now to consistently be strong. You are right, I must be strong for my daughter. What do you suggest as consequences and how should I address these to him?