Has anyone read the Monogamy Myth by Peggy Vaughn? She states that given the right CIRCUMSTANCE and OPPORTUNITY any and everyone is capable of an affair. We stereotype people who have had affairs into "people with no morals" etc. But the truth is people from all walks of life, all races, all ages, all professions are vulnerable. The book says we as a society place the blame on personal failure when it happens, both of the spouse who had the affair and self-blame.

The book says we need to see the factors in society that CoNTRIBUTE to affairs instead of focusing only on the individual or couple where an affair has occured.

The book says automatic monogamy is a myth. You can promise honesty in a relationship but you CANNOT promise monogamy and you should try. She says it all about honesty. You have to tell you mate when you feel attarcted to someone else and feel a connection with them. I told my H about this, he said it was B******* that if you tell your spouse that, then it's already too late...it's going to happen, if it hasn't already.

Since my H's A, my whole way of thinking has changed along with my LIFE. I have accepted what has happened intellectually but have still not recovered emotionally and know it will take more time. I now feel socially ackward, like a naive, totally trusting wife and mother who really did think this would never happen to me. I enjoyed this book very much, learned a lot.

But to know that anyone will have Affair just given the opportunity and circumstance is very depressing but reality I guess.

What are your thoughts?

I haven't read the book (not sure if I can handle it), but it sounds interesting.

It is depressing but I think she may be right. I would have classified my FWH as one of the nicest and kindest people I know, prior to his A. One thing I've learned in all this is that no one is immune and the fact that he is emotionally sensitive, made it harder for him to stop it in the first place when someone was coming on to him. I guess he's somewhat non-confrontational.

I believe that total complete honesty and transparency is the only way to prevent affairs. My H said that HE was just being a total jerk and nothing was wrong with our relationship prior to the affair. I've heard others on this site say the same...in many ways it isn't very reassuring. I don't believe that affairs are necessarily caused by a lack of emotional needs being met, although that can be a contributing factor and it is most definitely something that can be used to rationalize the affair once it starts.

In our sitch, H just didn't say no to flirtation and the whole thing snowballed..small things led to bigger things. He said there was no lack in our relationship; he was just not being open with me and a secrecy developed very quickly from which he could not escape. He gave in to someone being openly flirtatious and gaga over him (someone he now considers the antithesis of anything he likes.) He is the last person on earth I would have believed to do this.

I have at times wanted to give the benefit of the doubt to the OW. I thought perhaps she just made a mistake like my H and initially I was pretty forgiving in all of this. However, her H has told me that he was always afraid that she'd have an affair. That she has always been attracted to men in positions of power and that she has always been openly flirtatious. She was clearly the initiator and she told her H that she felt attracted to my H and thought this "significant" and went after him wanting her H to fight for her. How F'ed up is that?! She also knew I had just had a baby but obviously didn't care about anyone but herself.

Check out the MB video. Dr. Harley says much the same thing. I think there is a comment in the video about a woman who came to him and said she trusted her husband completely. Dr. Harley's response was that she could be in for a big shock someday. If the lovebank is empty, and the ENs are not being met, we are all vulnerable. Not everyone will cross the line into an A, but the vulnerability is there.

While I can buy that everyone has certain vulnerabilities to be adulterous, I believe this is total bunk:


It takes more than opportunity and circumstance. And one CAN willingly NOT cave into opportunity and circumstance. That is precisely where morals come in. This statement makes it sound like people are jumping into broom closets at work left right and centre. Those that do have questionable morals. Plenty of us wouldn't dream of it.

I think honesty with your spouse about what is going on IS what prevents you from taking the opportunity. If you keep it a secret that someone is hitting on you or that you feel attracted to someone, that is where the real problem comes in.

It takes more than opportunity and circumstance. And one CAN willingly NOT cave into opportunity and circumstance. That is precisely where morals come in. This statement makes it sound like people are jumping into broom closets at work left right and centre. Those that do have questionable morals. Plenty of us wouldn't dream of it. [/quote]

Now I am thinking I am one who would not dream of it....and why...the risk outweighs the pleasure and excitement. I also still think it all comes down to a self esteem issue too but anyway..

Because in the first few days following my D-Day...I was so in shock...I just COULD NOT accept the risk of what is involved.. for...this "feeling" the OW gives you. BUT now that I can think more logical I see how it could happen. Desperate people do desparate things. My H said he NEVER THOUGHT he would get caught. So, in his mind he was only risking the POSSIBILITY of losing everything and wrecking his life and our families life not actually risking it. I had whats called BLIND TRUST, he said he didn't think he would ever get caught.

My view of life and people has changed. I am less trusting of anyone and I think that's a good thing. But like me, there are people out there who think and A WOULD NEVER happen to them.

People don't not have affairs just because of the risks. Some people don't have affairs simply because it is WRONG. Same with any other crime - I don't not kill somebody because if I get caught I'll go to jail. I simply KNOW that murder is wrong. I don't steal for the same reason. Maybe some people live their lives calculating risk vs. benefits but not all of us do.

It is certainly an interesting question. Could I have done this? I do ask myself and while I don't think I would have, I don't say this with 100% certainty. I think we can all be vulnerable. Having someone who is all into you and seeing only the positives in you is intoxicating, to everyone. It isn't as easy as saying that you wouldn't do it because you know it's wrong. Many people that know this is wrong fall into it. I know in FWH's case, it was small steps taken in the wrong direction that snowballed, and more importantly the lack of honesty and openness with me about it.

The idea that we will act this way given opportunity and the right environment fits my view of human behavior and I strongly believe the sentiment behind this quote.

As an example from my life, after a year of separation (and after suffering a large amount of bad treatment) and while the legal march to divorce was ongoing, I recognized that I was much less motivated to protect our marriage and I was vulnerable to starting a friendship with another woman.

I was lonely and predisposed to mistake neutral friendly behavior as affection. It was hard to keep my thoughts in check. I put my wedding band back on for my own protection. (I had removed it a year earlier in a misguided symbolic protest.) And I barely spoke to women outside of a professional setting.

If the separation, maltreatment, and my WW's affair had dragged on for a few more years, I am sure that I am capable of behavior that would naturally lead to a romantic affair.

By God's grace I think I am a trustworthy and safe person to be with under ordinary circumstances. But in the wrong circumstances I think we are all susceptible.

- WG

P.S. I did read Vaughan's book and I spoke with her briefly. Her writing was helpful to me in learning to be less judgmental of my spouse's unfaithfulness and to realize the importance of fostering a safe environment where honesty wasn't so risky for the wayward spouse (i.e., the chapter on Trust, Honesty, and Communication).

I disagree with the point that automatic monogamy is a myth to individual persons. It may be true that in relationships that is the case, but personally I know when I took my vows that I would NEVER break them. However, my personality is one built on committment and loyalty. I am a person that thinks things through and thinks in advance of what is transpiring (a planner). Many people are more "live in the moment", sponateneous or whatever you want to call it.

It gives me solace that things can just happen and that I know that I have had sex with someone that I was not madly in love with. Yet it also upsets me that human beings are not intelligent enough to honor the marriage sacrament. Or strong enough or whatever you want to call it. It is terribly saddening that humans act now and pay the consequences later.

The 'myth' isn't that marriage partners can't be faithful. It is that they are immune from failing.

I believe in monogamy. I believe it should be and can be normative. I think I am (thanks be to God) low risk for cheating on a spouse. And you sound like you are unlikely to cheat. I commend you. But I do not believe that it could never happen to me.

But I believe nearly everyone enters marriage believing that they will not cheat nor will their bride/groom ever cheat. Yet it happens a lot. And I would contend that given the wrong (i.e., conducive) set of circumstances it can happen to us all.

Some personality traits are more at risk than others. Being 'deliberate' is helpful.

I read a post here recently about a BW who described her ability to resist temptation and mentioned hanging out in hotel bars on travel and flirting and being propositioned. (I understand the ego stroke of being admired.) She says she never cheated and I believe her. But the behavior is playing with fire - one day that habit of hanging out in bars away from home may end differently.

- WG

The only way I could ever imagine cheating on my H is if I was stranded on an island with a man and I was out of my mind from not having contact with any other people in at least a decade. Other than that I don't see it and think it's used to ease a guilty person's conscience.

Extraordinary Precautions, even ones that are not that extraordinary, I think would be enough to keep most of us faithful. Like not putting opposite gender folks in the roles in your life that meet your top ENs. May not always easy, but it is pretty simple, I think. When you start feeling something special for someone else, that's the signal to back away.