I wasn't sure were to post so I simply chose this one. I am new here, just ordered Fall & Stay and 5 steps although I'm not sure if I should have ordered different ones. Anyhow, let me start by saying we are not married and have not lived together. But we were/have been together for almost 4 yrs and I am currently pregnant and due in a few weeks.
Long story short there has been much drama and hurt in our relationship, he has cheated and I stayed, I became very untrusting and snooped all the time in his phone and his emails and stuff. He started working out of town last year and that just made it worse as I knew that was how he began his mess the last time so I had PLENTY angry outbursts, and selfish demands and punishing word as well as actions.
We broke up and got back together several times and the last time I found out he was talking to a woman in one of his classes, I flipped out (thats when I found out I was pregnant) and I called his job and reported the things to the site manager as this was against the rules and he was released from that site and sent to another. I regret doing that might I add. Anyway he wouldn't talk to me for about a month, we still are not 'together' but I need to say that I LOVE this man with all my heart and soul. I know I pushed him away, I know I withdrew pretty much if not all the love from the love bank. I have been trying to get him to forgive me, to see that I have learned what I did was destructive and would never do those things again, that I will do any and everything in my power to rebuild and renew what we had. But he says he can't, he can't put himself at risk that way, that he loves me but can't be with me. That he feels like at any point if he messes up I will thrash out on him and hurt him again. He is not 'with' that girl but still talks to her and has told me that he thinks he should see where that will go, but has also said that theres probably a 90% chance it won't work because of the way she is. BUT he does love me and wishes that there wasn't so much 'bad blood' between us and that we could be together!??!! This simply confuses and hurts me to know and hear!
I'm tired of crying, I don't want to have lost him for good. It kills me to even think about being without him for the rest of my life, to think of him with someone else.... I don't know what to do. I don't want our son to be brought up in a broken home, he deserves so much better then that!
Let me add that we both have previous marriages and children from those relationships. We are both from dysfunctional families. Please someone help me, I don't have the funds to do the coaching or counseling as I can't work now, this pregnancy has been very hard on me... to start I was told I couldn't get pregnant again without surgery or invitro as I had my tubes clamped 11yrs ago after my youngest was born. I'm about to turn 35 which made me 'highrisk' then my blood pressure started going crazy then we found out I am gestational diabetic!
Is there a way for me to convince him to give it just one more try, I know I will be better, I won't make the same mistakes, I love him too much to fail this time. I want us to be happy... I just want us to be happy TOGETHER! Is that wrong?
I'm sorry for ranting.... if there is any help I would gladly be open to it....
Mari

wow lots of views but no replies....

I am going to offer you some help here...but I am pretty sure you will dismiss it.

First off...you are NOT married and therefore your relationship should NOT be treated as such. YOU need to focus on ONE thing here and that is the baby. The man that has fathered the child is NOT marriage or father material. He should be left behind very quickly.

Are you financially capable of handling another child? If you are, I suggest finding resources to get over your "dysfunctional" past so that you can be a great parent.

Get your life together and have enough self respect that you no longer wish to be together with someone that treats you poorly. He is a liar and a cheat. He is also not your husband...move on.

If you cannot provide the BEST for this child, please consider adoption. It would be VERY easy to find a great home for your child.

Sorry, I try not to be the first to answer someone, in case there's someone who has better advice.

My take is that you're both operating in a battle mode, which no one likes. He has a great chance to just leave, before the daddy mode sticks on him. Sounds like that's the choice he's making.

If you're serious about keeping/getting him, please read up here about Love Busters (LBs) and Emotional Needs (ENs). You need to understand those two things before anything here would make any sense.

Thank you for the advice... I have no intention of writing anything off.
I will though address what has beed posted. I am a great mother always have been. I have 4 wonderful almost grow kids, I married very young and dumb, 17 and had them pretty much one after the other. He was older and very abusive and controlling. I left and have never had any regret for leaving! When I referred to dysfunctional families I was referring to marriage and dating relationships. This baby is coming into a very loving and caring home. I am financially able and ready for his arrival. So adoption is not a thought or an option!

As for my 'x' yes he was a cheat and a liar as well as many other things. But we do talk a lot and he is very aware of his mistakes and working on being a better person. I do see that in him and just as I was mean and abusive verbally and angry and I also lied at times and manipulated and many other things I know I have changed and will continue to change and have every confidence that he can and will too. I would just hope and I pray that we can do that TOGETHER! Unfortunatly he is pushing for us to simply give up. My heart tells me that if we were happy once we can find that again. He feels no hope.

Yes, I have been reading EVERYTHING on this site and printing it all out so that I can go over it as well as IF he is even remotely willing to look/read it I can share it with him and hopefully, possibly that can be the first step... I don't know.

The real point I was trying to express is that although he did lie and cheat... he was trying to do right, he was trying to 'make me happy' and 'secure' but I fought him and constantly made him "feel like he could never make me happy".

I am hoping that The policy of Joint Agreement can and will be the first step for us... but I'm having trouble understanding, is it a prewritten form I can simply print or is it something we write out and agree to??
I am VERY serious about he and staying together or getting back together and I have been very guilty of a lot of the LBs and I believe we both lost sight of eachothers ENs.

I know we are not married but does that really make our situation LESS important? Because of our past marriages we have been dragging our feet, but we planned on marriage, picked out rings and shared financial accts, ect...

Mari,
I'm sorry you found yourself here. You need good friends to help you through this difficult time. {{{Maricries}}}

If you were married to this man, I would say go with Plan A, but since you are not, I think MEDC is right. This man is not father material. It sounds to me like he avoids commitment at all costs. If you manage to get him to come back, it will be all on his terms. He won't marry you, and he wants the freedom to be with other women and you are not allowed to say anything about it. He will tear apart your self-esteem and your child will suffer for it.

Since you are pregnant, your instinct is to build a nest and try to provide a secure environment for your child. It's totally normal and natural and it's not wrong to want that. The sad truth is, this man will not be able to give that to you.

It sounds to me like you are trying to work out the past of your dysfunctional family with this guy. Maybe you were abandoned emotionally, and the abandonment you feel with this man is familiar, even comfortable. But, you need to find another way to work out your past. One way to do that is to not make the same mistakes as your parents did, be a devoted mom, and break the cycle.

I hope this helps. Are your other children living with you?

MrsZ

speaking from experience...yes, it is less important. BUT, it is also wonderful in that you have learned a very valuable lesson about a man before marrying him...he is NOT a good risk for a husband. Bringing in a known liar and cheater to your life will certainly add drama and stress that you would be better off without.

Dating is NOT married.....you have the opportunity to get away without the scars of another divorce here.

The POJA is for married couples. I would not suspect it would work nearly as well in your situation.

For the most part this whole site is focused toward married couples... but people DATE and have COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS prior to getting married. I was hoping that the POJA would maybe help lay a fondation on which we could build upon. As in the past he says he has changed his behaviour and I start flipping out on every little thing and not meeting his ENs and pretty much displaying nothing but LBs on a constant basis. And then he gives up and figures "forget it I can't do anything right so why try"?? And now he is giving up and I see the errors I've made and I feel I have defeated a man that really does have a good heart and truly was trying to be the best man he could.
We have spent so much time in tit for tat, I was simply hoping that the POJA might help us NOT to do that anymore or again.
As no matter what we now will forever be linked to each other by the little boy we have coming. And by the way we are both completely in agreement and committed to being the best parents we can be for our son.