My H moved out. He said he can no longer take my emotions changing like they do from day to day. He cannot take the hurt he has caused me and the kids. And I told him I could no longer handle him still working with her, even if they are not in the same department. So, I guess we agree we should split. The truth is deep down his affair was and anger affair. He was angry with me because I didn't meet his needs the way he liked.

It's a shame. He said he did the unforgivable sin and he could not change it, so he's leaving. No, I really do not think he is still seeing OW, as the exposure was so bad, he'd be embarrassed to and people would call me.

Isn't that something....he could not even hang in the M to recover the amount of time he had an affair which was 13 months. It's sad but I cannot make him be the man he should be in this situation. And when he gets mad, he says it's my fault, he made the decision to have the A. You cannot MAKE someone grow up.

So, do I file for D, or wait to see what happens when the real reality sets in of not having a home and kids to come to each day?

I don't know what to tell you but I want to give you a big hug.


LynnLee

Charlotte

It's been six months since D-day.
They say you shouldn't make any big decisions for at least six months, which you've done.

Do you *want* to be divorced? If so, file.
If not, don't.

I'm sorry he's done this. It hurts when someone isn't the person you thought and hoped they were. Or when they're not being the person you think they can be.

Many people will take the easy way out instead of facing their damage. They simply don't know how to own their faults, you know? It's possible he wants to leave just to avoid the recrimination he feels he has to live with every day with you. Is there some way you can just sit down and hash this out once and for all so that you can put it behind you? Have you talked to the Harleys together?

Either he is seing the other woman again and has gotten much better at hiding it, or he is one of those people who even when they know they are wrong cant accept it. If it's the latter, to him you represent a seriouse problem. Your very presense reminds him that what he has done is wrong, yet he couldn't have done anything "that wrong".

It's a conflict of belifes and his brain is trying to solve it, the easiest, quickest way to resolve the conflict is to forget about it. He cant do that with you around, becouse your just being there reminds him he has done wrong. So in his "fogged out brain" the best way to make this quick-fix work is to blame, and remove the trigger, thats you.

But eventually this, and every other quick-fix his brain tries to use to solve this conflict will fail. Inevatably leading to the only permanant resolution of the conflict, accepting that what he did was wrong, hurtfull, selfish, self centered, and that there are life long consaquinces to his actions.



(And yes, I spell that bad)

This is really no different than any other ongoing affair. Since they were still working in the same place, the A was not over. You can bet there was still contact, just farther underground.

What you need is Plan B ASAP! You've already done Plan A, right? If so, there's no need to do it again just because he leaves. Straight to Plan B then.

Dr. Harley recommends 2 years of Plan B. At the end of 2 years, they will either be back, or unlikely to come back. At the end of 2 years, you will be a strong, nearly-healed person ready to embrace the wonderful life that's in store for you.

It's not time to give up - it's time to follow a plan.

((LynnLee))

I really agree with everything Neak has said. Are you getting your Plan B together?

Too bad your WH can't realize that each day he went to work with OW it was a like a slap in your face and kept you stuck in a very unhealthy emotional state regardless of whether the A was over or not.

Maybe he will be able to understand the depths of his insensitivity once he leaves the workplace and is able to completely defog.

Hang in there!

Lynn, this affair has never ended and that is why your marriage cannot recover. He cannot possibly withdraw as long as he continues to work with OW. As you can see, this is not working. I know you dismissed our advice about this, but the proof is in the pudding.

This is hopeless as long as they continue to work together. If I were in your shoes, I would recognize that and start making plans to go into Plan B if you want to save your marriage.

But I will emphasize again, recovery is impossible until all contact ends.

Lynn, he sees her EVERY DAY at work. He is triggered every day he sees her. And it is clear he is still addicted given his refusal to leave the job. He places that contact over and above his marriage.

I suspect he is leaving to have his affair or to try and resume it.

I TOTALLY missed that they are still working together.
I take back everything I said about you having given it six months.

Plan B is a great idea at this juncture, if you'll be leaving him with positive memories of you. If not, Plan A for a couple of weeks and then Plan B. Until you've got a great Plan B letter and have delivered it, you're in Plan A. Remember that and act accordingly.

He's angry at you because he feels guilty about what he's done to you.

This is Dr Harley's comment about a WH who lives in the SAME TOWN with his OW:


Entire article at: link

Neak is right on.

Your H is still in the A, either physically or emotionally. You have bought into his words being more than just typical fog babble.

I would HIGHLY recommend moving to plan B

YOU are NOT to blame for this! YOUR H is!

Oh so true. That's the same bull I pulled while I was wayward.

Lynn,
Mel is right on! Again, it's the same bullsh!t I pulled while I was still wayward!

LL,

Plan D if you are giving up! I think you can take him to the cleaners if he really still feels as guilty as you say. If I had it to do over, I would have gone straight to plan D and walked away with much more assets as I still had the leverage of exposure.

He does not feel guilt. It is a justification. He has remained in contact and is trying to restart the adultery.

LL,

Go totally dark Plan B.

The first condition on the plan B letter is to QUIT THE JOB, AND PROVIDE ME YOUR NC LETTER FOR APPROVAL.

kirk

LL,

""The truth is deep down his affair was and anger affair. He was angry with me""

Anger affair?? Boy that's a new one on me. Did he tell you that?

If so, it is total FOGBABBLE.

To have FOGBABBLE you must be in the fog.

If he is in the fog, then the A is still in force.

If the A ended 6 months ago, the boy would be OUT OF THE FOG by now.

IMHO

Plan B

All along it was obvious that he was fogged out. He continued to blame you for his A. He never gave you answers and he got angry with you when you would ask questions. There was never any remorse, just justification for his "privacy".

Read up on plan B. Write a letter telling him what you would require for him to return. Tell him that you still love him and you'd like to try to R the M, but you can no longer expose yourself to him and his working with OW. It hurts too much. Post it here so you can get some feedback. It should be short and to the point.

((((LL)))))

If you want to try to R, this is the best chance of saving your love for him. You need to go dark.

Plan B. Since he has already left, don't let him come back until he has found a new job and met whatever other criteria you feel necessary to help you recover. During this time, check with an attorney to see what your rights are, financially and regarding custody. Now is the time to evaluate what you are willing to live with and if H doesnt step up to the plate then he has failed you and his children all over again. Stay strong...you can do this.