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#2107271 08/09/08 06:23 PM
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We recently went to a get together for my husband's company. My husband introduced me to some people and then walked around,just talking to people. This woman ran up to him,grabbed his hand and kissed it then held his hand and arm and snuggled up to him. All eyes were on me. My husband kept talking,just standing there,holding her hand,her head in his arm. He then looked at me,looked down and stepped away from her.
He could tell I was upset and walked over to me and walked me to a table and sat down with me. He told me it was completely innocent and "that's just the way she is". I told him she made me extremely uncomfortable. I asked did she know he was married and he said yes but please not be be upset because "that's just the way she is.
I told him that was not acceptable,him making excuses for her. It was total disrespect for me and I didn't appreciate it. I DID see his female boss take her aside and she was shaking her finger at her.
I'm still mad. What do you think?

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Hi. Weekends are slow, more people on Monday.

It may have been innocent, since the boss was scolding her; she may just not know how to act in groups like that. I wouldn't worry that much about your husband, unless you've been having trouble in the marriage.

That said, it's a great opportunity for you to discuss with your husband how you BOTH think the other should be acting/reacting. But you have to do it without judging each other, 'k? Make it an opportunity for growth.

Also need to talk with him about what his (and your) loyalties are, in terms of he should be on your side in such a situation. I think, however, that he really was embarrassed AND afraid he was in trouble, so he was trying to keep you from thinking that HE was doing anything with her by downplaying her actions. So I'd give him a break.

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He defended HER. Wrong move. He said,"It's just the way she is". Well,if your WIFE objects,that should be all he needs to know. I don't CARE if that's the way she is. It made me uncomfortable and he downplayed it.

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I see what you're saying and I'd be super PO'd too. BUT (just playing devil's advocate here), I think catperson had a good point when she said your husband was embarassed and thought he was in trouble. I think that's why he downplayed her behavior. I also hear that what you were looking for from your husband was something more like "you're right - it was inappropriate of her and I can understand why you're upset" - to have your feelings validated by him, to be understood by him. Maybe try conveying this to him. Don't do it in an angry way or in a DJ way, but just be up front and tell him what it was you needed from him. It'll also help him learn how you want him to react should that type of situation ever come up again.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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He defended HER. Wrong move. He said,"It's just the way she is". Well,if your WIFE objects,that should be all he needs to know. I don't CARE if that's the way she is. It made me uncomfortable and he downplayed it.

I am stunned your situation is so similar to something I experienced, though mine was more blatant. My Ex started bartending two weeks prior to our marriage. A couple of weeks after the wedding, I went there to see the club and meet his co-workers. We were seated at the bar talking. A waitress sidled up to him and put her arm up on his shoulder, gluing her torso to his. She looked at me and said, "So, this is the new wife...you'd better be taking care of him, ARE you taking care of him?"

I was totally affronted and felt threatened. What, if I didn't "take care of him," she was definitely going to??? In the moment, I was so freaked out I barely murmured a response.

HE did nothing, of course. Didn't move, didn't brush her away, just kinda smiled. Our discussion later was not pleasant. I got the same thing..."It's just the way she is." I EVEN got, "Well, maybe you shouldn't be so hard on someone not as well versed in the social graces as you are..." Nice. My reaction was the problem! He also chastised me for not shooting something clever back at her, to handle the situation myself.

I was upset over that for a LONG time.

Years later, on review, yes, I could have handled that myself, all sorts of different ways. But really, what I wanted was his understanding of my feelings. Never got it. Ironically, in some reverse situations, he didn't appreciate comments or actions by men. THAT was different, of course! sigh


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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Your husband is full of crap. If that is "just the way she is" then I'd think she has acted like this towards him before and he was hunky dorey with it. His reaction to remove himself was only because he say the expression on your face. If you weren't there would he have been fine having her hang all over him like a cheap coat? redflag redflag redflag


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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did you notice the woman interacting with anyone else?

just wondering if that's really the way she is (with everyone) or just the way she is with your husband. That may be the issue you need to talk with him about.


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No,she didn't do it to any other man. I was actually pretty stunned. I could never do that to any man. But the boss was NOT happy. When she did this,everyone,including the boss,glanced at me. I asked my H if his boss said anything to him tonight and he said she did. She told him their behavior was not appropriate and was disrespectful to me. He was so apologetic NOW. But he wasn't til his boss said something. He said nothing was going on and he saw it more as a "friendly" thing. I told him he need to redefine what he thinks is "friendly" because they were both out of line. He says he sees that now. I wonder?

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This woman ran up to him,grabbed his hand and kissed it then held his hand and arm and snuggled up to him. All eyes were on me. My husband kept talking,just standing there,holding her hand,her head in his arm. He then looked at me,looked down and stepped away from her.
She is utterly lacking in class or tact. Your husband..was trapped at a company social...perhaps he COULD have acted more quickly...but as you know hindsight is 20/20. He is NOT in control of the actions of another. SHE chose to do that...not him.

If you suspect "something" for whatever reason...then address it. Just don't let it eat you alive and slam him over the head with it, perhaps incorrectly.

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It's been addressed,believe me. It just bothers me that he can't see why I feel the way I do about it.

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It just bothers me that he can't see why I feel the way I do about it.
He probably would had the SAME happened to him...but it didn't.

If he was Honest with himself....he probably enjoyed the attention. Something he will not in a million years admit to you.

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Originally Posted by SoulDragoN
Your husband..was trapped at a company social...perhaps he COULD have acted more quickly...but as you know hindsight is 20/20. He is NOT in control of the actions of another. SHE chose to do that...not him.

I vehemently disagree.

If you read Harley's concepts regarding the "4 Rules of Protection", your husband should have NEVER continued to hold this woman's hand, etc. To do so not only encouraged her advances, but also withdrew love units from your love bank. He DOES indeed have control of what he allows other females to do to him [boundaries] regardless of the social setting.

And on aside ....

SoulDragoN:
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, spend some time reading Harley's articles on this site before offering advice.

Thank you,
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I vehemently disagree.
I respect that.

Quote
If you read Harley's concepts regarding the "4 Rules of Protection", your husband should have NEVER continued to hold this woman's hand, etc. To do so not only encouraged her advances, but also withdrew love units from your love bank. He DOES indeed have control of what he allows other females to do to him [boundaries] regardless of the social setting.

Agree 100%.

But can you agree that there are NO time machines to correct the actions and poor choices of the past?

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SoulDragoN,

The point is, your advice below ....

Originally Posted by SoulDragoN
Your husband..was trapped at a company social...perhaps he COULD have acted more quickly...but as you know hindsight is 20/20. He is NOT in control of the actions of another. SHE chose to do that...not him.

implies you are advising this new member to excuse her husband's poor unmarried-like behavior as a whoops (he was trapped) and that HE had no control over the situation, which is NOT the case.

People are here to learn how to work thru these situations USING MB CONCEPTS so next time they have a POJA [PLEASE read up on POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT] between the two spouses regarding how to handle them for future situations.

This site isn't "fly by the seat of your pants" Marriage Building, SD. We support one another using the Harley's concepts and principles that are proven to work.

You being a NEW member yourself, please spend some time reading the articles on this site. Its a wealth of knowledge and worth it's weight in gold!

God Bless,
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SoulDragoN - perhaps you would like to read some more about the principles before offering advice. Perhaps you would benefit from posting your own story (which you have not yet done) so that we could better understand where you are coming from. Heretofore, you have not posted very helpful suggestions.

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If you suspect "something" for whatever reason...then address it. Just don't let it eat you alive and slam him over the head with it, perhaps incorrectly. [/quote]

that's right...I'm in a situation like that too. I constantly slam my husband on the head with stuff I think I see and it just pushes him away from me even more. It probably pushes him toward her because she'll be there to be a friend for sure.

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If you read Harley's concepts regarding the "4 Rules of Protection"

Would someone point to where I might find that please.

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Your husband..was trapped at a company social...perhaps he COULD have acted more quickly...but as you know hindsight is 20/20. He is NOT in control of the actions of another. SHE chose to do that...not him.

I also disagree!! mad

Although you cannot control someone elses response to you, you can certainly, without doubt, control how you handle the situation. Regardless of the 'social setting' the OP's behavior is not acceptable and should have been dealt with as such. By not 'handling' it like a married man should, whether his W is in attendance or not, he gave the impression to all watching that it was all right what the OP was doing.... naughty

IMO, if this OP did this in a social setting, it probably wasn't the first time that she has done it and you H did not do anything about it. redflag


Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
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Many,many years ago,when we were first married,the bosses beautifl slut wife asked my H to dance at a party. They were all over each other. The only thing missing was the bed. I went to cut in on them. At first,my H acted like he had felt nothing. Then I literally punched him in the shoulder. The said,with a bored tone,not really looking at me,"Let us finish this dance". DANCE? The next step was a condom! He let her give me this sly smile as they snuggled even closer,if that was possible. I waited til his back was turned and left him stranded 45 minutes away. He got home shortly after I did,absolutely furious til he saw me packing. I was trying not to cry and told him I had been honest with him that I would NEVER put up with his cheating. He said he hadn't cheated. I told him he was all over another woman and refused to let me cut in. Heck,he had lipstick all over his neck and cheek. To me,that qualified as an affair.
I left and went to live with a friend for 6 months. I was in college with took up a lot of my time thankfully.
He had to "date" me again after about 4 months.
But,he came very close to me leaving him with this episode of this woman kissing his hand and snuggling up to him. He knows that. It was just too much like the first time. But,we have been married 38 years now so I gave him the benefit of the doubt.....this time.
As for the slut so many years ago,she was the bosses wife. She has been married 5 times,all to married men that worked for her now ex-husband at one time or another. And her beauty has really faded now.

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I think you are an amazing human being.As I would have slapped that woman so hard she never would have thought to touch another gals man again.And the fact you didnt kill hubs says alot.I would have been in jail. I am so sorry this happened.Oh my gosh.I wanna slap her, and I am new here.My hubs wont even look a lady in the eyes......he knows better.But I also wouldnt allow self to be touched innocent or not by another man.


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