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Hi all,
FWH says that the ENQuestionares are all the same, we already know what we need to do we just need to do it. Also he doesn't like that they put a number of times to do stuff because things goes up and down. He said he would do it for me but it is not his thing and he will do it, I guess, when he is in the mood for it :RollieEyes: More likely when I ask him to again.
R is going good for us right now. I guess I just feel like his EN are being fully meet, mine to me are not. I am starting to feel like whatever again. We do spend the whole of Sat. and Sun. together but I find during the week we don't spend enough time. But then again he does go to school twice a week (which will not happen next year, it will be only 1 class). Then he is an exercising person, so he does that twice a week. And does it at home also, mostly just cardio while watching a movie. Not to mention our toddler doesn't sleep until around 9pm.
He thinks everything is getting much better, of course, because his EN is being meet.
Not only that but this A have me thinking of him differently (I will summerize the A at the end if you want to read it). I see him as being weak, selfish, not the person I thought I married, lack of self-control, run away from problems, doesn't think of other ways to deal with it (how about we need to fix this or we should separate, or they is someone at the job that is tempting me because of what we are going through). I feel like I would have done these things, as when I use to work I would tell him of every person that came on to me, even the guys that holla at me when driving or at the mall. I told him right away when me and my ex talked online for the first time in years, just because I thought he should know. This A makes me look at him as being immature and childish. DOES THESE FEELINGS EVER LEAVE?
The guy (FWH) a meet was not like this. In fact I thought he was to 'holy' for me, he even brought me more into 'the word'/God, but I liked that because my rest bfs(only 2 others) believed in God yea, but that was it. Some of our religious beliefs have changed though because of extensive studying, which was fine and an eye opener as we was a little to legalistic. But in the last year we have slipped with our studying, going to church, ect... so I guess all that played a part. Now we are back to studying a little bit more, all his words are empty to me at times. It is like whatever, you should have known better. I hate these feelings and I hate feeling this way to somebody I am actually married to.
What is even bad to is that I wish I had a chance too. He gets to do his thing and keep his family and life, to me it is almost why even regret it. While I was being faithfull although I was going through the same damn thing.
THE A
He became friends with a co-worker and she use to ask about his life. And he happen to tell her that we was going through a little problems and it is affected SF (we still use to have it, but it was more out of obligation, and for some reason I am getting bruise easily which we are working to solve, it never use to be so in the beginnning, so that made it worst. But ever since we are working things out and he is paying more attention to me it doesn't bother me like it did before). Any ways, all the co-workers went out for drinks a night and she invited him over to her house, he said at that point of state he was in he just went and that was the first time. It happened 4 times after. (so it was 5times over a 5month period). He said it was weird, they didn't do anything wild or new(I ask for the details 2 nights ago). There was no emotions attached on eigther end, it was just SF and he would leave shortly after. He ended it on his own accord and told me 2 months after because he couldn't live with what he did and he wanted it out so we can rebuild our marriage, he regrets everything and said he doesn't even think back on it.
Last edited by ANewBeginning; 10/01/08 09:05 AM.
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not everyone is going to buy into the MB way of doing things. Yo can still have a good recovery.
Find ways to communicate with one another so that both of your needs are being met.
I also do not think your husband is being entirely honest with you as of yet.
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his EN are being fully meet, mine to me are not Tell him he can start meeting your needs (as you hand him your filled out EN questionnaire), or he can move out. This is the only chance you'll get to start making things right. If you let him get away with this now, he will have absolutely no reason to ever do right by you again. Respect yourself!
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Tell him he can start meeting your needs (as you hand him your filled out EN questionnaire), or he can move out. I'm not sure about this, since the poster said their recovery was going well. You are suggesting she threaten him into meeting her needs. That will not work long term...and she does not have the power to make him move out.
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his EN are being fully meet, mine to me are not Tell him he can start meeting your needs (as you hand him your filled out EN questionnaire), or he can move out. This is the only chance you'll get to start making things right. If you let him get away with this now, he will have absolutely no reason to ever do right by you again. Respect yourself! I am going to talk to him more about it tonight. He is spending more time with me. And I know he has a lot of hw to do, hence is why he is thinking of eighter doing school after the kids are in school or do one class at a time per semester. So I didn't want to keep pushing too much at this time, since I did convince him to take 2 classes instead of 1. I just wish he would come up with ideas or insist on us doing things, instead of me thinking all the time.
Last edited by ANewBeginning; 10/01/08 08:38 AM.
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not everyone is going to buy into the MB way of doing things. Yo can still have a good recovery.
Find ways to communicate with one another so that both of your needs are being met.
I also do not think your husband is being entirely honest with you as of yet. I don't want to sound naive, but so far FWH as being very transparent about everything. I questioned everything out including the details and positions of SF. I can't even think of anything else to ask question on the A side, just on our side. I have also asked the same thing differently a few times to see if things changed. Some of the answers was very hard to deal with, suprisingly not the SF ones(as I was think much worst, I use to wake up every monring with images, ever since getting the info, my dreams and morning images have stopped) as much as the fact that he had just given up and the reason he ended it was more because he could live like that and it wasn't necessarily because of us/family. And yes the R is going fine, in that FWH is regretful and remorseful, ect... and feels like his needs are being meet. For me I need more attention, affection, going out, a few gift suprises, something that makes me feel special and that this is worth it. Like when we first meet he would write poems, send a card, write a story, ect...
Last edited by ANewBeginning; 10/01/08 08:48 AM.
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Has he agreed to stop drinking and stop going out with friends? Because that all needs to end to prevent this from happening again.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Tell him he can start meeting your needs (as you hand him your filled out EN questionnaire), or he can move out. I'm not sure about this, since the poster said their recovery was going well. You are suggesting she threaten him into meeting her needs. That will not work long term...and she does not have the power to make him move out. How does she get him to take the EN questionnaire seriously short of giving him a choice? While she is meeting his, he's happy. But since he is not meeting her, nor does he want to do the ENQ, there's no way for her to be happy too. How 'good' could recovery really be going if only one person is meeting the others EN and only one person is trying?? 
Me46
FWH42
Married 19 yrs
EA 4/07 - 4/08
(Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA)
Dday1 4/13/08
Dday2 8/8/08
S26
S16
D10
Trying to Recover
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She said ALL of her needs. Perhaps it is too early to expect some of the things she detailed to be met. Perhaps they are all not reasonable to expect.
He appears to be trying...just not hitting the mark all the time.
Considering his schedule during the week, I think he is doing pretty darn good in the time he spends with her.
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Has he agreed to stop drinking and stop going out with friends? Because that all needs to end to prevent this from happening again. It was only once he went out with those co-workers. He only use to go with his tech guys and it is just 4 of them including himself. I talked to him about this new drinking thing as he never use to do it, he also never use to go out much. I don't mind him with those 3 guys, they also don't know anything about the A, he is too embarass to tell them as 2 of them are really religious and I don't care for them knowing. Although I wish he had talked to them about his prob in the first damn place. He doesn't go out with them much, it has been over a month since they went out, because one of the guys is a muslim and they going through the month where they can't eat, so they don't want to leave him out, hence no going out. But besides that he doesn't go out with them as he use too.
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She said ALL of her needs. Perhaps it is too early to expect some of the things she detailed to be met. Perhaps they are all not reasonable to expect.
He appears to be trying...just not hitting the mark all the time.
Considering his schedule during the week, I think he is doing pretty darn good in the time he spends with her. I think you hit it on the nail, but it still makes me feel a way as I still go through the emotions at this point and just want to feel this is worth it.
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Tell him he can start meeting your needs (as you hand him your filled out EN questionnaire), or he can move out. I'm not sure about this, since the poster said their recovery was going well. You are suggesting she threaten him into meeting her needs. That will not work long term...and she does not have the power to make him move out. HIS recovery is going well. Hers is almost nonexistent, except for some time together on weekends - and him not having an A any more. Of course he's fine. She's doing everything he wants. I don't see it as threatening him, as long as she talks respectfully to him. Telling him that the marriage isn't working for her because she's not seeing any change that would keep her loving him. And that if he's not willing to put the effort in, she'll end up not wanting to remain married to him. Maybe she could write out exact steps he could take that would please her. Sometimes people just don't know what the other is really looking for in terms of needs.
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.................
Maybe she could write out exact steps he could take that would please her. Sometimes people just don't know what the other is really looking for in terms of needs. That is what I was looking forward to doing the EN Questionare together. But you are right, I could just write it out, like a letter, he would read that. As I recently wrote a letter about my feelings on the A and what goes through my head about it, then on the bottom I had talks about how R was going and some of the things I needed him to do. And then we discussed it. It wasn't EN things though, more like talking more about your work and other things that goes on that I don't know and you don't think is important to tell me. He has started doing that. Last night he talked about a co-worker calling everybody by there name, although it was long and boring I liked that he did it anyways. So I may try again with the EN Questionare or just write a next letter based on the EN Questionare.
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I don't think the poster has said what you are stating. I think what ANB is going through is normal. She is with a man that is trying...he is meeting some things...and with the other things, she is looking for him to "make-up" for what he has done. She needs to realize this is not possible. Right now, at this early stage...both of them seem to be doing okay...not great...okay. Rather than encouraging her, you are fanning the flames of resentment IMHO.
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Has he agreed to stop drinking and stop going out with friends? Because that all needs to end to prevent this from happening again. He doesn't go out with them much, it has been over a month since they went out, because one of the guys is a muslim and they going through the month where they can't eat, so they don't want to leave him out, hence no going out. But besides that he doesn't go out with them as he use too. ok, has that all stopped? If he commits adultery when he drinks, then the rational thing would be to a) stop drinking and b) stop going out without his wife. Right? Also, maybe you answered this before, but did he doesn't still work with the OW, does he?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok, has that all stopped? If he commits adultery when he drinks, then the rational thing would be to a) stop drinking and b) stop going out without his wife. Right? Yep! That should be a boundary!
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Requirements for Recovery from an Affair Dear Dr. Harley, I discovered my husband's affair in May. He was very repentant, ended it and has been working very hard on our marriage ever since. I was not familiar with Marriage Builders at the time and I just followed my instincts. I suppose we are in recovery. But our communication skills are almost non-existent. We only talk about things that are "safe." My husband’s idea of dealing with his affair is to put it behind us. I need to talk about it to heal. I am still having nightmares and sleeping little. I know nothing about this woman, including her name. He has refused to give me the information because he feels it is over so what difference would it make now. He has agreed to counseling but has been dragging his feet. Our communication skills are so poor that I can't even bring up his affair for fear of "rocking the boat." He will not read any books or discuss the reasons for his affair with me. I am terrified it will happen again. We went for a few counseling sessions over a year ago (before affair, communication issues) and it was a disaster. It was so much psycho-babble that neither of us could stand it. Where should we go from here? Please advise. K. R. The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide. I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail. The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy. This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted. An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them. After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bcas your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance. Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place. Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Has he agreed to stop drinking and stop going out with friends? Because that all needs to end to prevent this from happening again. He doesn't go out with them much, it has been over a month since they went out, because one of the guys is a muslim and they going through the month where they can't eat, so they don't want to leave him out, hence no going out. But besides that he doesn't go out with them as he use too. ok, has that all stopped? If he commits adultery when he drinks, then the rational thing would be to a) stop drinking and b) stop going out without his wife. Right? Also, maybe you answered this before, but did he doesn't still work with the OW, does he? They went out for drinks, but he wasn't drunk or anything. He admits that the drinking had nothing to do with it, he said he was capable of thinking straight. It was our situation and then befriending her, her knowing our situation, asking him over and he accepting to step over that line. He knows where he went wrong. Even though he says he is NOT tempted by OW since his eyes are open, he said that if they were to ever end up in the same place he would just leave, pretend he has a phone call and go. He said besides work that was the only time she was involve in an outing w/ him because it was a coworker thing and he more use to be with the tech guys, which only 1 was there(the tech guys worked in different places for the company in the same area not at the same place, so there coworkers were different people). The main thing that started this was where our marriage was, as before all of this he would tell me about things at work of this nature, like one time a couple asked him if he would be interesting in a swinger relationship because his wife wanted him. He also use to tell me about how to stay out of 'fire', which he proved he could do. One time a girlfriend of ours just came by when I wasn't there and although they don't have interest in each other, he called me right away about it and ask what I want him to do. Hence why I was shock that he stepped over the same bondaries he use to avoid and knew. He no longer works at the same place he has switched jobs. He did end it before he found a new job. He said he couldn't live with what he was doing.
Last edited by ANewBeginning; 10/01/08 09:37 AM.
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Rather than encouraging her, you are fanning the flames of resentment IMHO. I agree
Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
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