I know my spouse is having an affair, should I confront them? Have any of you confronted your spouses? How did they react? Violence, Denial, Anger... Any advise would be appreciated.<P>------------------<BR>rhl

DO you know for fact or suspect?<P>I was told about my W affairs. when I confronted her she acted in denial and anger. sge has ywt to just come out and say yes she did, but she has said it in lesser words

Yes, know for a fact. Have facts/evidence that can not be denied!

I confronted my spouse several times without proof and he denied it. When I finally had proof, I confronted him and he denied it for about 15 minutes. When he finally realized I was not going to believe his denials anymore, he broke down and cried. He said he didn't know how he could do this to me. With proof, he knew there was no denying and he said he was relieved it was out in the open.

rhl,<P>I've been on both sides and I know the pain no matter where you are in this infidelity game. That said, I believe in total honesty, and feel that you should confront your spouse. Be prepared though. Know what your next move will be if there is anger, denial, etc. Have the proof handy. If possible, ask without anger yourself, tell your spouse that you want to work it out, use lots of love. <P>Best wishes and let us know what you do.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

hurtone...<P>What has happened since your spouse has now admitted it? I love my spouse and want to work this out. My spouse has asked for a divorce 7 months ago and has moved out. He has not filed.

Last Mar. I was home recuperating from surgery. I decided to work on our taxes. Couldn't find some info, though it might be in my H top drawer. Started looking came across tow card address to Babe from sweet heart. I started looking I figured out who it was from by the handwriting. I wnet in to denial. Then on St. Pat. Day I recieved a card he had never given one to me on that day before I started thinking it was guilt card because he had given her one, figured he would be getting one from her. By the way my H worked nights and she was his partner. Anyway the next morning I checked his lunc pail and found two notes from her I didn't read to far because I got sick to my stomach. After a few tears I marched into the bedroom woke him up asking him about his affair. I had taken him so off guard that he didn't deny it of course I had the letters to back me up but I really didn't need them except to answer how I found out. Someday I wish I had never confronted him because I wonder if it would have died then. He told me it was on the downhill side. But after I found out and he told her I knew. She worked even hard at keeping him. She wouldn't let go. I do't know thing might have ended up this way anyway with him leaving and living with her. But I just thought I'd answer your question about confrontation.. Just alot of tears!!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Sheryl<P>Have proof handy??? If he wants to divorce after I present proof...I wonder how this would effects things in court...provided the divorce went to court. The lawyer has told me the proof could be used in court. I do not want to think about a divorce, but I have two small children to take care of and if the divorce is to be, then...swallow, I am going to go for all I can get for my children and self...<P>Di,<P>What have you done? Have you decided to divorce him?<BR><P>------------------<BR>rhl

After I confronted him and he confessed, he ended it immediately with the other woman. He called her right in front of me and told her it was over, that it was wrong from the beginning, and that he may have ruined the most special relationship in his life. He has not talked to her since. She has not pursued him and we are doing great.

rhl,<P>If the goal is to find out the truth, then having proof handy IN CASE HE LIES will be helpful to get him to open up. I'm not saying to trap him, just to get the truth out. Tell him up front that you don't want a divorce, and that you love him, but that the affair MUST END to work on repairing your marriage. That's my advice at this point. <P>This is gonna be icky no matter what. Infidelity is ugly and disguisting, and you never really know how someone is going to react. You're beginning a difficult process... I wish you strength and wisdom as you continue the journey.<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hurtone...<P>Wow! That is great!<P>I have had some friends who have told me to be careful what I wish for...they had asked me how I would be able to deal with my feelings if he came back, like can you trust him, how can you make love to him, when you will see her face...(she was a friend of ours). I have told them that if he decides to try with me, then trust will have to be there on both parts.

All of those things that your friends asked about can be hard to deal with at times. I didn't mean to make it sound like we got everything back all at once. It took us eight months to get to where we are. If he hadn't done what he did immediately, things would probably be much different.

I told my H in December something was terribly wrong, and he denied it. When I confronted him again in February, he left the next day. The day after I found out about the OW, he filed for divorce. If I had it to do over again, I would never have said a word. I would have gone into "Pre-Disclosure Plan A", I would never have questioned his mysterious absences etc., and maybe he would still be here, and then at least the kids would be happy. The situation couldn't possibly be worse than it is now.

ok, i dont mean to step on someone elses thread- mine is on the same topic.<BR>but- i do have emails that i accessed under her address. i think that it is illegal. i just wanna prove to her that i know, stop lying....the problem is i dont know if it will make her want to work on it. do i take a chance? or just leave it up to fate?<BR>Look under RAGE!!!! for help..thanks

My experience is nearly exactly like hurtones. I confronted, he admitted and we are on the road to recovery...it's been nearly six months for us. But, be prepared for lies and denial. If you have proof confront.<P>------------------<BR>Joan <P>"Turn your wounds into wisdom..." That really cool black gal who was on Oprah all summer.<BR>

Nellie1<P>I am new to this list and have looked over the Basic Concepts, but I can't find the reference to "Pre-Disclosure Plan A", can someone point me into this direction.

Nellie1<P>I am new to this list and have looked over the Basic Concepts, but I can't find the reference to "Pre-Disclosure Plan A", can someone point me into this direction.<P>I know I have seen this somewhere, just can't find it. I have printed out a lot of the material.<P>Thanks!<P>------------------<BR>rhl<BR>

Nellie1<P>I am new to this and know that I have seen "Pre-Disclosure Plan A", but now I can't find it. Can someone point me in the direction of where this is at?<P>Thanks!!<P>------------------<BR>rhl<BR>

Opps...okay I found the plan A and plan B. I tell you folks this is one tough thing to do...confronting my spouse with his infidelity. I am going to have a few folks close by when I do tell him...just in case he were to get violent. I am 37 weeks pregnant. I don't think he would do anything, but I would have never thought he would have done this either. Also, he has been moved out of the house for 6 months, I want to reconcile, but I don't know if it is going to be possible. Thanks for all the advise and wish me luck!<P>------------------<BR>rhl<BR>

I'm gonna more than wish you luck... I'm gonna ask you something. You mention he could get violent? You, being 37 weeks pregnant... geez, I say wait to confront. At this point, just show him love and concentrate on that baby. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I would do.<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>