I was in a relationship with my ex-wife for 9 years until she filed for divorce and left me for OM in 6/08. We were married the last 3 years and divorced 5/08.

Our relationship has had the highest, highs and the lowest, lows. One of the reasons for this is my ex-wife has been diagnosed from various doctors with depression, ADD, bi-polar, and anxiety disorder. I don't believe she has all of these but has been mis-diagnosed by some. She is only currently taking Adderal, which I believe she is just abusing because of the euphoric high that she gets from it.

We have had issues in the past with verbally fighting. My ex would always seem to pick fights with me. I realize now that I was not meeting her EN. We've done counseling and it seemed to help but we did not have the money at the time to continue. I look back now and regret that I didn't do more to save our marriage.

The relationship took a turn for the worse last Sept.07. My ex and I are in the Real Estate business and our income was dramatically reduced due to the housing market. My ex decided, without my approval, to become a topless dancer to make ends meet. During this time, I felt like a complete failure since I was the main bread winner and I was not able to support us. I became depressed during this time. I was very honest with my ex by telling her how I felt. She said we would get through this.

In Jan. '08, I noticed a significant change in her. She would come home drunk from work and we seemed like we were living seperate lives. She started to pick fights with me all the time. She then said she was going to file for divorce. She also told me that she had a boyfriend. I said some unkind things to her and started sleeping in 2nd bedroom. The next day she said she was lying about her boyfriend because she wanted to hurt me.

In March '08, she went out of town for her birthday because we were fighting. This is when she started the physical affair with OM. During this trip, she went out and bought a $70,000 Mercedes Benz without me even knowing. She came back from her trip and said she wanted to seperate but still date.

I still was in the dark about affair with OM until May '08. When I was moving belongings out of home, I looked at her phone and saw very graphic text messages from OM and OM wife. The OM lied to my ex that he was not married. I saw this because OM wife texted my ex. I questioned her about affair but she denied it.

My ex-wife finally told me that she loved OM and was moving across country for him. My ex moved 6/08. The OM must be paying for her bills every month because she longer is dancing.

I implemented Plan B. She then called me from private # last week. She told me that she couldn't stop thinking about me and still loved me. She said she did not love OM and wanted to work things out with me. My ex said she wanted me to go get her across the country and if I didn't that she would be waiting for me. She wants us to see a counselor and other steps to rebuild our marriage. She seems unwilling to come back here until I go get her.

I called EW's Dad to tell him that I was very concerned for her. EW's Dad said she told him that she still loved me. He also said the OM was a compulsive liar and he did not like OM.

I feel very confused and don't know what I should do. I am getting on with my life and making myself a better person but I still love her very much. I don't know if it is best to let her go for good or try to work things out. Any suggestions?

gt,

I had a relationship once with a woman with bi-polar disorder.

I loved her very much and was engaged to her. She was EXCITING! When the highs were high, things were great. The SF was incredible and she brought out the bad boy in me, which was fun for me.

But when the lows hit they really stunk.

She left me for another man (we were engaged) and got married in a hurry. She started calling me a few months after leaving when it turned out the guy was abusive.

She was and still is a mess. She's on her fourth husband now (she's 32) and has called me when her relationship has gotten rocky to "meet up as friends".

My advice to you is to get away from this woman because she will bring you more heartache in the future. I've met some great women and see how nice it is to be with someone who is stable.

There's plenty of good women out there.

Break if off with this one because she will undoubtedly break your heart again.

qthomas,

Sounds like the moneybags OM dumped her.

So you are now divorced? The dates in the first paragraph are confusing. Like it has not happened yet!

""I am getting on with my life and making myself a better person but I still love her very much. I don't know if it is best to let her go for good or try to work things out. Any suggestions?""

Get a long sheet of paper, draw a line down the middle, wright PRO on the left side at the top and CON on the right side at the top. Then start listing the good things on the left and the bad things on the right.

Then remember that WHEN / IF she does come back, you get to jump on that roller coaster again
"During this time, I felt like a complete failure since I was the main bread winner and I was not able to support us. I became depressed during this time.""

Also...""to become a topless dancer to make ends meet""

ARE YOU KIDDING US???

This almost sounds like "troll" fodder.

Anyway, if you want my opinion, don't travel cross country to get her. Sounds like some Stephen King horror movie...like who/what is going to be waiting for you when you get there??

IMHO

kirk

If it were me, I'd want to know that she was serious and not just looking for free transportation home now that the luster has worn off the affair. Maybe he dumped her and she wants to get home but she has no money and he won't pay for her transportation. Maybe she's sincere. You can't really tell by her words, so I'd look for actions to "prove" her sincerity.

I'd either let her get herself home, thereby proving that she is willing to take at least a tiny bit of action to move towards reconciliation, or I'd make some conditions on coming out to pick her up, like she has to get into counseling and share her progress with you.

Also I might request that she get re-evaluated for the ADD/bi-polar/anxiety and get that properly treated (if any of the conditions truly exist). Did she have any of these problems in the first six years or so of your relationship?

Yes, but she hid it pretty well. She did tell me that she had anxiety when she went into public and also had thoughts of people trying to kill her. As far as bipolar, I saw many signs the last six months but don't know if that is due to alcohol, adderal, and affair.

Imagine having children with this woman - what a disaster!

Stay far far away.

These are serious, serious issues which will bring you much heartache later. The last thing you need is to introduce kids into this equation. You're divorced from a toxic person. Trust me, you'll be grateful down the road that you aren't with her anymore.

Move on and let her lie in her own bed. There's plenty of women who aren't mentally ill out there.

My twin brother's wife was bi-polar and also became a stripper until someone murdered her.

I believe him as my brother's wife was wanting him back just before she was killed.

I apologize for dates. I meant to say the year 2008.

Not all women who have been diagnosed with these issues are toxic people. Please don't lump us all in together.

Here is my two cents for what it's worth. I do think that your wife has some serious issues that she needs to take care of. She needs to get them taken care of before she can be in any sort of relationship with anyone. You can't save her, only she can save herself. If she is truly serious about wanting to be with you, she will find her own way back and then begin taking care of herself.

Every posting I have made advocates saving your marriage.

But this time I'll just say RUN FAR and RUN FAST.

Ditto, There are 3 Billion women on the planet today, IIRC. Why not give another one a shot at your heart. This is not the only remaining woman on the planet, and as others have said. You can't save her.

If you have no kids with her, even more the reason not to entertain such thoughts.

She wanted to go, let her go. Take this time to meet a few dozen other women, now that you are divorced and see if your ex-wife is still an appealing choice.

I believe him too.

When I was in the Marine Corps, years ago and before I met my wife, I went to a topless bar with some platoon buddies, and I talked with one of the dancers. She told me she was married. I said "Doesn't your husband object?" and she told me "It's not up to him, it it?"

I didn't talk to her after that. The whole idea made me very depressed.

What do you mean by saying "Are you kidding us? Is this Troll Fodder?". Thanks for your previous response.

I have personoly known 2 girls who started dancing after they where married, both without there husbands permission, both with the same attitude.

One came within an inch of completly destroying her mairrage before she realized what she was doing. I still wonder if they will make it. It changed her in a very bad way, and it took a long time for the "real" her to come back. (and I'm sure she did drugs wile she was there, they all do)



The other became hoplessly addicted to coke and meth (Ice), lost her husband, lost her kids, and did not care one bit. Looks started going south due to the meth, so she started doing "extras" in the VIP rooms (SF for the customers). Got busted by the owners and lost her job. After that it was rumered that she spent some time walking the streets. (prostatution)

I bumped into her about a year ago, she had apparently cleaned up, was living with her parents, and had just got out of rehab. She had a court date in a few weeks to try and get visitation rights with her children every third weekend. She showed no remorse for her actions, and from talking to her I could tell she still blamed her Ex-Husband for all her problems.

Have not seen her seens then.

Don't you think that you could do better? You are a free man now. Forget your previous relationship with her. Would you start dating a woman that you knew was a stripper, did drugs, and left her husband for a married man? Stay in plan B and never think about this woman again.

Yes, not all bipolar women can be lumped together. I'm sure there are a handful that overcome their affliction and have normal lives.

But IN MY EXPERIENCE every woman I've dealt with that has had a bipolar disorder is a mess, without exception.

My ex fiance is about to go through her fourth divorce and a good buddy of mine has a sister that is constantly jumping from one messy relationship into another and has yet to have any stability at all.

My therapist also says that a mentally ill person will make a mentally healthy person ill. It rarely works the other way around.

Considering the fact that I was doing just peachy till I met my exww, who has regular and serious anxiety problems, and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of her infidelity and subsequent destrcution of our family, I'd have to agree. Living with a mentally ill person does drag you down.

Plenty of stable women out there. Plenty of good ones without anxiety issues.

You're divorced from this one. I know the temptation is there (believe me, my ex fiance is HOT) so I understand the temptation is there to return. When the highs are high, things are great. But when they're low....

Count your blessings. You have no kids and are already divorced.

qthomas,

"""Are you kidding us? Is this Troll Fodder?".""

Sorry, my friend, but when I read that your x became a topless dancer I thought that was really extreme and, in my poor attempt at humor, insinuated that you were pulling our collective leg.

Troll Fodder = Sometimes there are unscrupulous people that join these hallowed halls of MB, to basically just f^@k with the good people here, telling wild stories or being very contrary to the spirit of MB. They are known as TROLLS. They are usually easily recognized and word gets out to avoid their posts. Troll Fodder is, again, showing my poor comedic skills.

That people came to your defense siting similar examples made me hang my head in shame....kind of

Please accept my apology. Stay strong and follow your new high road to much happiness.

kirk

Yes, I think I can do better than my ex. It is difficult moving on without having a partner to share your days with but everyday that goes by is easier and less painful. I am becoming a stronger person from this. I am working on myself right now and making myself happy without getting seriously involved in any relationships.

And your right, I wouldn't date a woman that had these issues to begin with.

Good. Now let your ex know that you prefer not to hear from her again.