You're not judging him.
You're stating facts.
You're taking precautions so that hopefully a relapse (return to the A) does not occur.

HURTANDSHOCKED,

If you want to save your M, cut OM out of your life completely.

Even if that means giving up every one of your mutual friends.

Me, I'd let all of those friends know exactly what happened.

See if they still want OM around their girlfriends/wives.

"i call [censored] on that just as i call [censored] on you not saying anything to your mutual friends. it's their decision, not yours, if they want to continue being friends with him. and at least if they know the truth, they can make their own decisions about inviting him to future "mutual" events"

"Me, I'd let all of those friends know exactly what happened.
See if they still want OM around their girlfriends/wives. "


These really hit home. If it had happened to one of my friends I would want them to tell me b/c I would not want my wife around someone like that.

As to the whole being young and having kids thing, my children mean the world to me as they do to everyone. I cannot imagine putting them through a D and I do still love my W. I cannot imagine not getting to see my children every day nor punishing them for someone else's mistake. I understand the thought of never being able to get past this put someone said surviving an affair sucks and going through a divorce sucks. In my eyes I want to try the former.

The other thing that comes to mind is that I should not trust WW, but then again should it be my job to make sure it does not happen again? I think it should be clear by now that if it ever were it would blow our family apart. I do want to never let her out of my sight again, but it seems a little impractical. I work so she has 8 hours where she can do anything she wants, so if that is what she realy wants, is that not what she will do?

Krazy71, how are your days 2+ years out?

I think you need to ask yourself this question. Are you a giver or a taker? If you are a giver, you can forgive and get past it. If you are a taker, well no dice probably. JMHO

So how do you handle family situations when her parents want eberyone there?? The sister will be there and you won't?? It would help if the parents knew or they would think you just don't care enough to attend. You can just make up so many excuses.

"You can just make up so many excuses."

My thoughts exactly. Except the sister is flaky and only shows up when it is convenient for her. My job would allow me lots of excuses except the christmas and thanksgiving. I am definately a giver.

You are right, you should not trust WW. She has proven herself to be untrustworthy and you would be foolish indeed to trust after she dealt you such a harsh blow. It is up to her to earn back your trust. It is not up to you to freely give it.

It is not your job to make sure an A does not happen again, but you would be foolish indeed to place her in a position where contact was possible when such a thing is easily avoided.

If she were recovering from alcoholism or drug abuse, would you take her to a bar or leave the drug of her choice lying around the house? Would you take her to family gatherings where alcohol and drugs were being used? Or would you say that the gathering really wasn't worth the potential repercussions?

If she had a gambling addiction, would you take her to Vegas to celebrate your anniversary?

It's not your job to make sure she never relapses. But please don't throw her into OM's arms. That is completely irresponsible.

H.A.S.,

My days are still up and down, but not nearly as severely as they were early on.

It's still very tough. I've gotten to the point where I just keep most of it to myself, to avoid causing yet another round of anger/sadness.

You need to begin to imagine a life without your W, just in case. If you read some of the stories here, you will see that sometimes a WS can be unbelievably cruel. They can resume the old A, start a new one, clean out your home and be gone when you come home from work, etc.

Don't assume that she will do the right thing just because you do, or because she was busted.

She already tried to claim this was a drunken ONS, when in reality she had prior communication with OM, making what she did PREMEDITATED.

You need to come to terms with the fact that this could end in divorce. Either one of you might be the one to file.

Whatever you do, don't let her know that you "can't imagine divorcing her". You then lose all leverage.

Turtle and Krazy,

You both make excellent points. Thanks for the advice. I have not told her that I would not divorce her, I told her that I would "try" to work through this. Actually, I can't even tell myself that I "can't imagine divorcing her" because the thought crosses my mind every single day (if D is easier than sifting through the ashes).

HURTandSHOCKED,

I have to agree with Krazy that this was not only premeditated but fairly intricately plotted to include the aid of your WW's sister.

I agree wholeheartedly with MyRev, I will never forgive POS OM, and I am very afraid of coming into contact with him because of what I might do. He is a scrawny POS MF and I would love to snap his neck. Like all OM, he is a coward.

With regard to your SIL, man I would be mad and never forgive her either. What a b*tch!

Well maybe forgive, but never ever forget!

Hey, I just realized it's been about 4.5 months since DDAY for me...what a pleasant surprise, the rage is starting up again.

Oh well...

"So how do you handle family situations when her parents want eberyone there?? The sister will be there and you won't?? It would help if the parents knew or they would think you just don't care enough to attend. You can just make up so many excuses."

First family function is coming up and i told my wife if her sister was there i could not be there at this point (for fear of what might happen). She said she does not know why I am so obsessed with her sister and why could I not just ignore her sister because her sister did not do this (because earlier I told her that pictures of her sister in my house made me uncomfortable so she took them all down). I calmly explained that i understand her sister did not put a gun to her head but that does not mean that i am not as pissed off at her sister as i am my W. I could just not go "pretend" things were fine, that there could be a huge scene. That her sister (1) lied to me, (2) dropped my wife off at my sister's house ALONE with another man, (3) left 2 drunk adults alone at her house to possibly destroy our entire family. By this time it was not so calmly. I explained that I did not want my children around a person that I do not trust, I do not want to be around her, and I really don't feel comfortable when W is around her. Then I moved on and asked her if she wanted me to call OM and go to dinner with him. Invite him to christmas. see how everything turns out.

She said no of course not. I asked her if she thought my sister would have done the same thing in that situation. She knew the answer was no. I said, when i married you, i married your family. they became my family, and family does not do this to each other. Her sister could have, should have, but DID NOT stop or interfere with this in any way. Actually she helped it along. therefore, she is no longer my family.

W decided she will have to tell her parents. I found it to be a refreshing moment that she actually made a "good decision" without my help. She said she wishes it never happened but can't change it. She said she needs to tell her mom and dad (who love me to death) because if she does not, I will look like the bad guy, and I did nothing wrong. It was like a brick of supreme intelligence hit her upside the head. Just an update and hoping that this is progress...

It *does* sound like a brick of supreme intelligence - well put

It will be progress if she DOES tell her parents.
It's a step, that's for sure. Just thinking in responsible terms is a step.