Hi Everyone,

I'm a bit new here although I've been lurking for a couple of weeks. I am posting now because I am at an all time low and could really use some encouragement to keep going.

My story - I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

My H and I have been together for 8 years, married for 4. We have a new baby. We have both been married before but swore this was it for us. No more divorces ever. He has three kids from his previous marriage who I get along wonderfully with and love as my own. I also get along amazingly with his ex wife. In fact she has become one of my best friends.

Long story short, my H came to me in July and told me he was thinking about leaving our marriage. This was a total stunner. I had no idea we were even having problems. No fights or anything. At first I thought it was just me but then I began to get suspicious and started snooping. Found out he's been having an EA with his admin at work since December - while I was pregnant!!!

I think I have done all that you are supposed to do in the last three weeks. I have confronted him with the info - without telling him how I got it. He denied it for the longest time but I made clear to him that I had proof and finally he stopped denying it. I have confronted her. She did not respond. I have spoken with her husband. He already knew but we have been working together to keep an eye on both of them. I informed his bosses and HR at their work. They moved his desk and are keeping an eye on him and her. I encouraged OP's husband to contact work as well since they have different bosses. I've also asked him to tell her parents (they are staunchly Catholic) but I don't know if he will have the courage to do so. Somehow I doubt it. I have informed my H's family and will probably inform his friends soon. So definite exposure. I am working plan A to the max. NO love busters whatsoever. No demands. No judgements. No outbursts. I have spoken with nothing but I calm and loving tone for the last three weeks. In fact, he's never had it so good. I am just about certain there has been no PA so he gets mind blowing sex daily. We've been doing phone counseling every week with Jennifer. We have both taken the EN and Love Busters questionaires and I am daily addressing every issue in both and making sure I am meeting his needs. He seems to be enjoying it and is somewhat suprised. We have both read HNHN, I have read SAA and he is currently reading SAA. I am working hard at getting myself together and going to counseling for myself. I have lost all of the baby weight, I'm down to my pre pregnancy weight and I'm dressing sexy and wearing makeup, doing my hair, etc. I do not look like a "mom". In fact I got whistles and cat calls while walking down the street yesterday.

But I just don't know how much longer I can keep doing this. It's only been a couple of weeks but he won't agree yet to NC and they are still working together. OW goes out for surgery on Oct 22 and then WH is moving to a different office in early November. So they won't be in proximity anymore. That may help. But I know they will still keep in touch via phone and e-mail. And I know that there is nothing I can do to stop that.

I am trying to show him that I am the far better alternative to her but my resolve wears thin sometimes. I can feel the love units cascading out of my love bank. I really want to save this and I'm trying to hold on until November but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel so low and so miserable. I just want the hurting to stop!!!!

Can someone offer any encouragement that he might come to his senses and agree to NC??

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

You are getting the BEST in counseling, and seem to be following the MB plan well. However, you need to just continue on without worrying too much about his reaction. Most WS's don't agree to NC right away, but there is a plan for that too.

They really cannot be working together, so hopefully one of them will find another job.

Hang in there, and keep posting. It really helps.

Wow, you're doing a great job LH. You did all the right things and did them right away.

I know exactly how you feel with the LB withdrawals. I am the BS, PLAN A'ed and while she gets happier, I have moments where I just wanna walk away and start over. It's all in my mind and I know that. But that doesn't mean it isn't hard.

If you can hang tough through those moments, you'll get through this.

From what I read, it can take up to 6 months for the "Fog" to lift from WS. Sounds like an eternity, but I would try to take it day by day.

I feel like I could do anything if only he would stop contact with her. He gave me all the passwords to his e-mail accounts and phone but before he did I saw an e-mail from him to her asking her to set up a secret e-mail account for him so that there would be no evidence. And of course he knows I would go looking so I'm sure he only accesses it from his work computer. So I know he can't contact her after work - I monitor his cell phone religiously as well as the house phone and he's with me 24/7 when not at work. But they have the opportunity to talk - at least via phone all day at work. Obviously it's a little harder for them to talk in person at work since she's not supposed to be his admin anymore and all of his bosses are watching both of them. (One of his bosses is also a friend of mine). I cannot get him to change jobs. He will not. This is the only company where he has ever felt comfortable, he's doing really well, has a great retirement plan, just got promoted, etc. I know that she is thinking of quitting and I saw in an e-mail that he has encouraged her to quit. Her husband has also encouraged her to quit. And they will be moving to separate offices in November. But that still won't stop them from calling and e-mailing. Heck, even if one of them did quit they could still call each other's office phones and e-mail or IM on their work computers. He doesn't seem to really care about the exposure thus far. He tells me to just do what I need to do. Sometimes I wonder if he really does want to end it and is not strong enough, so he wants me to do it for him? I just don't know.

Does it just take some time for the affair to all go south and for a Wayward Spouse to agree to NC? I guess I'm just impatient. Some days I'm fine and confident and others I can't stop crying and don't want to get out of bed. (Although I don't let H see that!)

I'm also taking care of a six month old and trying to help around the house more since that was one of WH EN's. I used to be late to everything too and he hated that so I've made sure that I've been early to every single thing for the last three weeks. I've been affectionate and passionate and fun. I plan dates and arrange babysitters and take him out. We watch all his favorite shows. I am trying to do research and come up with intersting topics of conversation. Basically I'm trying to remember back to our dating days (so long ago!!) and act like I did then. I even wear my hair the same sometimes. lol. I'm trying to pretend that I'm dating him and acting on my best behavior like you would do with someone you're dating. I know he doesn't trust the changes. He keeps saying I'm "unstable". And everytime I tell him I would like NC or tell him I'm fighting for our marriage he says "There it goes again, I knew you were just being nice to butter me up for something you wanted." Very insulting!!! But I respond calmly. "No honey. One has nothing to do with the other. I love you and I want to meet your needs. That is all there is to it. I have not been good at it and I have made a committment to change. But I too have needs and one of those is no contact with OP." Then I either change the subject or walk away.

But dear Lord, I am so weary of all this. Please keep giving me support and encouragement. Between getting it from you and from all my friends (some of which I didn't even realize I had before this) I think it's the only way I can keep up this fight!

Six months!!!! My goal was to wait until January for Plan B but I don't know if I can even make it that long. That's why I'm looking for encouragement. Last night for the first time since we got together I actually felt like I didn't love him. In fact when we were sleeping in bed together I was angry and didn't want him to touch me. That has never happened before. I haven't gotten angry since this whole thing started. Shocked, scared, hurt beyond belief, miserable, wanting to die, anxious, panic attacks, etc. But not anger. Weird! And that was kind of scary because it seemed to me that it was the beginning of me falling out of love with him. And how can I ever make plan A work or work on recovery if I don't love him anymore?

Keep the encouragement coming. It really helps. I will take this one day at a time. I can get through today, right? And then worry about tomorrow, well....tomorrow. (sigh)

You are doing so great! You are responding exactly as taught here to...keep it up so you can see it through to fruition!

LH:

You are feeling the same things I too feel. In fact, check this thread that I started a few days ago:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubb...in=153228&Number=2134054#Post2134054

R is moving along but once in while I just wonder why the heck did I fight to stay in this mess. Starting over would be so much easier, right?

I know whay you mean about those feelings too. Not anger, not hatred but just a feeling like you are falling out of love. The BS has to work a LOT harder than the WS. It's not fair! We are scorned, we are the victims. Why do WE have to put up with it?

I went through making all the love bank deposits and there were nothing but withdrawals on her part.

I think you said you have a baby. What do you do all day? Do you work? If you are sitting home all day, your mind has time to play all kinds of games with you. Do something to distract yourself. As time passes, your thoughts about the A will become less frequent.

As I recall (a million years ago) when I was home with a baby, I was anything but bored...
Matter of fact, it's the only job I've ever had where I couldn't get a break!

I didn't say she was bored. But a babies nap and in those few hours, her mind may be racing.

My job has a lot of down time. In the weeks after d-day, every down moment had my mind racing. Even doing my job, I was screwing things up. On busy days I mentally did a lot better.

Thanks everyone. I work all day and a nanny takes care of the baby. I'm not that busy at work so I mostly do a lot of research on here and fine tune my plan A (and possible eventual plan B). As long as I'm at my computer and on the internet I'm ok. It's when I'm in a meeting that my mind wanders and starts racing. I usually have to take a xanax in preparation for a meeting (prescribed and approved by my counselor) because I have actually had panic attacks in meetings since this all started. The other time I freak out is when the baby wakes up to be fed around 4am. Then my mind really goes nuts and I can't go back to sleep. So I usually have to take a xanax then too or I would just be a weeping mess on H. And I definitely don't want to wake him at 4am to weep all over him and be pathetic.

I was awesome yesterday if I do say so myself. Very flirtatious. Asking him questions about himself that I've never asked before, i.e. "What was your all time favorite dining out experience", "If money were no object what car would you drive?", etc. We teased each other, we watched a movie, we tickled and tackled each other and had horseplay. Then this morning I massaged him and we showered together.

I also sent him an e-mail this morning, telling him how much I enjoyed last night and what I was looking forward to us doing this weekend.

Today is a good day. Today I am feeling like a warrior. I am feeling strong. Not sure what the rest of the day will bring though.

LH, Plan A for women should last about 3-4 weeks. Staying in Plan A too long can cause severe emotional and physical problems, including nervous breakdowns. If he doesn't agree to end contact within that time, Plan B is warranted. If I were you, I would let him know that your marriage cannot recover until he ends all contact with the OW. Then quietly make plans to separate and go into Plan B. Sorry you are in this mess.

Dr. Harley:

Just an fyi, but the fog won't lift until his affair ENDS. Her H's affair has not ended, so she has not even begun.

Thank you for sharing that ML. I hadn't seen that before. I definitely don't want to have a nervous breakdown. So far I am doing better each day. Jennifer has talked with H about doing NC. He has said that he is willing to consider it. He offered to send the letter two weeks ago but I knew it was fake so I told him not to. Jennifer backed me up and said the same thing. She said it would be much better for him not to send it than for him to send it and have it be a lie.

Jennifer read him quite the riot act in our last session. And she told him about Plan B. I was shocked! She told him that eventually I would lose all my love for him if he continued this way. And that I probably would leave. She really knocked some sense into him I think. He's been acting differently since our last sesion. Which is why I am giving him a little time to settle and rev up my Plan A before I give him an ultimatum or deadline. He is very aware that I will not put up with this forever. I told him so again, (calmly and succinctly) last night. He didn't like it, but oh well. I'm fighting for my marriage whether he likes it or not.

However, no contact is virtually impossible right now. They work a couple of feet from each other. If he quits or loses his job we will lose our house. We are living from paycheck to paycheck. Even in the time it would take him to find a new job (if he were so inclined) we would not be able to keep up with our bills. If the situation were not going to change and he would continue to be working with her I would insist that he quit and the house be darned. But I know that he transfers to a new office in early November and he will not be in physical proximity to her at all any longer. And that is when I will push for NC. In the meantime I am continuing with exposure, snooping, etc. And being absolutely fabulous. So while I am getting better and better, hotter, sexier, more fun to be around, she is getting more and more nervous, whiney, needy, complaining. She leaves the office on medical leave on Oct. 22 and by the time she returns he will be gone.

I can bide my time for a while. It's only 2.5 more weeks. I'm having to take less and less of the xanax and I'm continuing to see my own counselor. I have my family and all of my (and his) friends for support. I have people sending me money, willing to babysit for free, keeping tabs on him. I never knew what good friends I had up until now.

I am assuming that he will agree to no contact in November. (Whether or not it is real is another story). If I find out it's not I will be going completely dark (Plan B)in January. But I need to have the baby's first Christmas at home. I could not live with myself otherwise. And I need to give an amazing attempt at plan A and show him that I can really do it for a long and believable period of time. 3-4 weeks won't prove anything to him. He won't think I've changed. Anyone can do just about anything for 3-4 weeks.

I definitely respect your opinion and I will head out sooner (Christmas be darned) if I feel myself slipping before then. Promise.

I understand what you're saying, but mine didn't sleep long enough for me to have breaks...when they DID sleep I was fixing dinner, doing laundry, cleaning house, folding diapers, etc.

Thank God for Xanax! It's when I have down time it's harder for me too, and since I spend so much time alone (at work and commuting), that's tough, but I've learned to keep myself busy, divert my attention with music, etc. 2 1/2 weeks to go and you're on your way...

Oh, mine loves to nap. Thank goodness!! But even so I know what you mean. Nap time is usually cleaning time.

H has to go out of town overnight on a business trip next week. The timing sucks but I have confirmed with his boss and several of his associates that the trip is legitimate. I have also spoken with OW's spouse to give him a heads up. He is off from work that day and plans to take OW to lunch and then keep tabs on her all the rest of the day and night. So no chance to join or talk to my H. (H also offered that I could come with if I wanted).

While he is gone I will be hanging out with friends and having my hair done. I am returning it to the light blonde it was when we first started dating. He always loved it that way but this time I am doing it for me. I've been wanting to do it for a long time but didn't want to waste the money. Now the money be darned, I'm doing it! What a surprise for when he walks through the door Tuesday evening.

LH, I am relieved you are counseling with Jennifer! She knows the risks and will guide you on the right path.

I need some advice as to whether or not I should get my hopes up. H and I had a fabulous weekend. We spent all Saturday at Octoberfest with our friends (all of whom now know about the affair ) DH got to drink beer with his buddies. While he was doing that I was walking around with the baby looking absolutely amazing and getting hit on by every man there (which by the way was a TOTAL shock to me!!!!) H must have noticed because at one point he said "You know, it's just not right. How come you're the only mom here that looks like that. The others look so ugly and frumpy and you're amazing. They should be embarrased and just pack it up and go home." Again I was shocked but I thanked him for the compliment. Even though he always says he doesn't need me to look good and he did not score attractiveness as one of his top 5 EN's I think he needs it more than he thinks. In any case, I ferried him and his drunk buddies around and drove us all to a restaurant for dinner. This was huge as I've had a driving phobia for the last 10 years and it's only in the last 2-3 months (since he said he was thinking of leaving) that I was able to overcome it and start driving again. Can you say that I'm demonstrating some major changes???!

Anyway, we eventually got home and he fell asleep on the sofa. I knew he wasn't comfortable but I let him be. The dog woke him up and I suggested he go up to bed or at least change into his pj's to be more comfy. He was cranky and refused.(he's never cranky!) so I let him be. Finally he got up and said I was bothering him and he was going up to bed. I was on the other side of the room reading silently so I'm not sure how I was bothering him. More fog speak I guess. So I decided to go to bed to since I was only waiting up for him. We went up to bed and he continued to be cranky. He said "I'm really having trouble sleeping lately and I finally fell asleep on the sofa and you woke me up for no reason." I said "I'm sorry you're having trouble sleeping honey. But it wasn't me that woke you up, it was the dog that jumped on you. I was on the opposite side of the room reading silently when it happened." He then apologized. I accepted and said "But since you're having trouble sleeping and I'm not that tired anymore I'm going to go down and watch my show on TV" He PANICKED!!! Wanted to know why I was leaving the bed and what I was going to do. I told him he had nothing to worry about, I was just watching TV and to get some sleep. Then I walked out.

Anyway, he's never had trouble sleeping before and now he's up all the time. And he spends half of his time in the bathroom being ill. And his skin, which has always been perfect is breaking out. And he's cranky - which I've never seen in the seven years we've been together. Do you think these are good signs that the A might be imploding soon?

Sunday we went to a sports bar for lunch and to watch the Redskins play. H was kind of surprised but it was my idea. He kept saying "You don't have to do this for me." I said "No offense H, I'm doing this for me or for us. I love the Skins and I love sports bars. And I wanted to see the game." He knows I love football so I don't know why it's such a surprise. We had a great time. Me and the baby watched together and she even cheered with me whenever the skins scored! lol! H kept smiling at us, I think he was having fun too. Then we came home, saw the rest of the game and went for a long walk. I made H laugh the entire way - mostly with my huffing and puffing up the hills. He also brought up the fact that I look so much better than the other moms - AGAIN. He kept talking about it and talking about it. I'm not sure why he was beating that dead horse. Maybe he really is amazed? Then we got home put the baby to bed and took a long bath together. Lots of cuddling, talking, kissing, etc. I think I really put him off balance.

He went to make dinner after that and burned his hand really badly. He started yelling and actually scared the baby - he NEVER yells. I calmly asked if I could help. He said "I don't need your G*dforsaken help!" I was shocked. He's never spoken to me like that - ever! But I didn't take the bait. I said calmly, "Ok, just let me know if you need me" and I walked away and hapily played with the baby and ignored him. He came over to me and apologized and then he said "You know, none of this is easy for me either!" OMG, I wanted to die laughing!!! He has a fantasy for a wife, if I do say so myself. He's got some little admin hanging on his every word at work and this is hard for him?? Poooooor baby! :RollieEyes: Of course I didn't say that. I said "I'm sorry you're having a rough time of it. Unfortunately this is one problem I can't solve for you. You got yourself into it and you'll have to get yourself out of it. But the help is here if you want it." Then I walked away.

So do you think this all sounds good? Do you think he might actually cave and agree to no contact? Or am I at least making progress? I contacted some more of his friends at work and asked them to keep an eye on him. The only people I haven't contacted are the OW's parents, which I'm considering, and his kids. His ex wife knows but I'm trying to keep the kids out of it if at all possible because I really think that would be a deal breaker for him. That was our deal - if he agrees to serious no contact I won't tell them but if he doesn't I definitely will. And I told him not to bother lying to the kids ahead of time and trying to spin the story because his ex knows the truth and the kids are much more likely to believe their mom than him and plus I have the proof in writing in his own words that I could show them. (And my friends have copies of the proof in case he tries to steal mine.)And his ex has already agreed to let me see the kids when I want no matter what happens with H. I've been in their lives for seven years, since they were little.

So do you think I'm doing ok?

Really down in the dumps today and having a hard time dealing. I wish he would just break off the A already. Some days I just can't stand this!!!!!!!

Is there anyone out there that can offer me some hope?