Me and the W have been seperated for about 1 month now. We talked today and she again told me she was done. She said she was past the point of wanting to work on it. I am trying to let go but everytime I take a step toward an independent life it seems to piss her off. Why can I not cut the string on this YO YO she has made me into. Why do I keep picking up and keying in on these mixed signals she tends to put out. Some times I wonder if she even knows that she is doing it. I have made the effort to chage my problems weather it be here or professional counseling in the local area. I need help trying to figure out what is going on with my life I tell myself everyday that I'm tired of fighting for someone who dont want me but
I cant stop. Please can someone help me with what I need to do. Some times it feels as if my W deep down wants to work on it but doesnt want to listen to true feelings. I feel she is listening to her mind and not her heart. I could be wrong about everything but how can something that feels right actually be wrong. I'm hoping that someone here can help me with this please.

Well,she can't have it both ways. Either she wants to work on it or she doesn't. Sounds like she's confused but that doesn't make it right. She wants out so why can't you take steps toward independence? She can not call the shots unless you let her.
Again,my son and his experience. My ex-DIL wanted the new man in her life but she liked the comfy home she had with my son. When he caught her with the other man,she was stunned. Even then,she told him to go home and she would be home "later" to talk. That's when he regained his footing. He told her maybe he'd be home and maybe he wouldn't. She wasn't telling him what to do. She had had a great time up til then and thought SHE controlled the situation.
Does your wife have someone else? Sounds like maybe she does. Maybe she wants a life with him and a life with you. She can't have both.
Either she wants to work on it or she doesn't. If she doesn't,she has NO say in your decisions. She will continue to try to control the situation only if YOU let her. There is no chance of her coming home until she sees there are consequences for her actions.
My ex-DIL had a melt down when my son drew the line. Turned out the OM didn't want her when she wasn't a conquest. She sure wanted to change her mind then but it was much too late.
You wife wants both worlds. She wants to control the situation. She's probably shaky about things right now and that's why she tries to stop any independence you have.
Snoop. Check her computer. Check her cell phone records. Talk to others around her.
She can only control the situation if YOU let her. Has she consulted an attorney? You need to consult one asap to find out what your rights are. Don't give her time to get her ducks in a row. You have to stay one step ahead of her.

Jewelldy,
thanks for the speedy advise. I dont know where to begin In checking on things. I have had pI work with tell me different things but when I ask her it turns to a fight and she denies everything. But it is always qou(do you think I would sleep with this person or think I would do that) I really want to believe her but everyone keeps telling me otherwise. All she says is she wants to be happy and that she is past the point of working on anything. I told her today I wanted her to be happy but couldn't just roll over and quit. She said if you want me to be happy then just let me go she said she doesn't want to be here. How do I fight that or how do I get the upper hand when I dont have a leg to stand on due to not knowing.

Can you go to a counselor? And you need to consult an attorney and know your rights.
It might be that,when she sees you accepting that it's over,she could change her mind but I wouldn't count on it.
Does she have a cell phone? Can you check who she calls and texts? Can you check her email? Can you check snail mail coming to her? She's keeping you in the dark.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. Don't ask her anymore. My son was in this position. I had no idea they were having problems til he called me at 3:30 am saying he couldn't find her. I had him come to our house and I heard him on the phone. I asked him if it was her. He said,no,it's the guy I think she's seeing. I said WHY would you call him? What? You think he's going to say,"Sure,she's right here next to me in bed? Want to talk to her"? I'm sure,when he called,they got a big laugh out of it.
My son was so confused and didn't know what to do. The first thing I did was get the address of this jerk. Then I got directions. I gave them to my husband and told him to take our son by when he thought they were together and when our son was ready to find out. She gave him the song and dance that she was babysitting for a friend. But,when ever he would call there,he'd get a song and dance from the friend. He was ready and told his father he wanted to go by this guys house. There she was.:(
Our son moved out immediately after he consulted and attorney. In our state,it's no fault,meaning she was responsible for all the bills. Know the rules in your state.
You must stay one step head of her,cowboy. Snoop and don't let her know. Stay strong. NEVER BEG HER. Believe me,you could ask her if there is another man til you are blue in the face and she will NEVER<EVER admit it. If you DO find out she's seeing someone else,do not confront her. See a lawyer and hold your cards close to your chest. Otherwise,she will do HER homework and find out how to leave you with all the financial stress.
My ex-DIL acted just like your wife is. When she was served with divorce papers,she had a melt down but my son didn't care.
This was 10 years ago. He has been happily remarried for 4 years.

Yeah but all I need to do is try to figure out how to check on it

It's not as hard as you think,cowboy. You sound so heartbroken and I'm so sorry she is putting you through this. But you have to get a grip. She is in a fog. She can see only what she wants to see. If you stand up for yourself and don't beg her,chances may be better she will change her mind. In my experience,with family and fiends,they don't wake up from the fog til it's too late.
I can only relate from what I have seen. My cousin was devastated when her H left her for another woman. She did everything she could to save her marriage to no avail. Finally,she accepted it was over and filed for divorce. Much later,HE woke up and wanted to try again. Her kids begged her to give him another chance so she did it for them.
He was himself again,the man she married BUT he had put her through too much. He had killed her love for him and she moved on. He was devastated and really wanted to work it out but she feels nothing for him.
In time,you will do what you deem th best.

Yeah I've done that I told her last night that I cant emotionally let her go. But physically I can stop trying to make her work on it. I told her to do what she felt she needed to do but I would be still waiting and loving her because I dont want anything else in this world. I am leaving the country for about 6-8 months due to work so she will be here with the kids alone. But I did tell her one last time exactly what I have been feeling. She really couldn't say anything but she said we could stick to the seperation while I'm gone instead of filing right away.

One thing you have to be careful of,Cowboy,is sex. I know that sounds personal but you have no idea WHAT she is doing and you can not open yourself up to STD's because of your love for her.
Are you in the service going to Iraq?

Cant really answer your last question with details but yes somewhere like that. I dont want sex right now I have already realized what is most important. Right now a hug or kiss would mean the world to me. But she hasn't hinted that she might be wanting to we have been seperated for a little over a month now so I'm still wondering what is going on that aspect of it. But now I have more and more people opening up with information so maybe I can get to the bottom of all of this real soon.

Well I hate to say it but everybody was right I got hold of an Email that was sent and very specific details of one of the encounters. The worst thing about it all is that it was a freind who I have confided in through this whole thing. they both tried to tell me that it was a joke and there was nothing going on. We all know thats [censored] and I tried to tell him that he needs to be a man and face me. If he wants to play a mans game he needs to step and face me. Before you all say it I know it takes 2 but the [censored] thing is that I love her still and I dont owe him anything but an [censored] whippin. Please any advise would be greatly appreciated even through all of this I still want to tell her that I 'm still standing in front of her willing to work it out and I cant explain it.

Sorry to hear that. Have you asked her about it or does she not know you know?

Two things. Email one of the mods here and ask them to move this over to the Infidelity threads. All the people who've gone through affairs and have the best advice are over there.

Then, read everything you can find on this site about affairs. There is a step by step method for dealing with it.

Good luck.

I totally agree with catperson....I would ask mods to move this so you can get more help from others who have been through similar things.

how do i do that

email on of the mods (listed at the bottom). They'll do it for you.