OK... so since the D-day of just 3 wks ago, the MC has now become my IC... I go today... she gives me questions that I cannot answer and now, I need answers..

1) WH has told me, during my rollercoaster "i want it to work, I don't" that if this was him, he'd leave.. my IC asks me why is that.. I say that's just him, but really I ask myself why is that???

2) WH had said he has wanted to break off the A for a long time now... why hasn't he?

So, I call my WH and I ask him

1) He says he cannot live with knowing I was with another man.. Has even expressed jealousy when we'd go out even during his A?? mindboggling... but, ok

2) this one is good!, He says he has wanted to break it off but then (b/c they work together) that he couldn't because they'd see each other or talk to each other and then... he just felt committed...

BUT, b/c I called this out to the OWH, it's over, it's in the past to move on... he completely gives a RAT A## about me, how I feel, and I guess I destroyed his dream to be with her.

I told him he needs to get counseling on his own since he bailed out on the MC with "US" who he supposedly wants to work it out with...

Know what? He tells me , the problem is mine that he has had enough ultimatums.. FINE

I let him know I WILL NOT BE HIS CONSOLATION PRIZE!!!!

hung up the phone and he'll be home any minute so how the HE77 do I handle this one??????

HELP PLEASE!!!

And,, while he tells me he could not break it off b/c they'd see each other (and yes... they still work together) but if he sees he now, I ask what's the difference and he tells me b/c it is exposed and it's over...

So, if the exposure did not happen, then he would still be with her, even tho, supposedly, he wanted to break it off...

but I need help... I know I do, but Damn him... I mean really,
he would not stay with me, if it was the other way around, He wants to be with me but I cannot ask questions and I have the problem..

What should I do? just goto Plan B?? I have 3 girls the older ones are pi**ed off as heck...

OK...I don't know the whole story, but I want you to know that we are here for you. I will write more in a second.

Can you fill in the blanks quickly for me?

How long was his A?
When was d-day?
Did he do a N/C letter?

MogiSola

This is complete fog-babble! Don't let him manipulate you into thinking that it is your problem. You would not be reacting like this if he didn't have the A to begin with.

Did you have an A also?

Think of the A as an addiction. Your WH may "want" to end the A because he knows that it is wrong, but he also wants to keep getting his fix.

He cannot successfully end the A without establishing no contact for the rest of his life. He cannot see her at work and get over the A. That is like asking an alcoholic to quit drinking, but to still work in a bar.

You are not setting ultimatums, even if they feel like that to him. You are setting YOUR OWN boundaries...what is acceptable to you and what is not.

Have you done a Plan A?

If he still is having contact with OW (even just at work) then you need to act as if the A is still going on. So if you have done a good Plan A, then it may be time for Plan B.

MS

The incomprehensiveness in your post is surely a state of your mind. It is VERY typical for a WS to fly off the handle upon exposure and whatever consequences come afterwards. Fear not! This is expected.

Slow down. Take a deep breath. I'd tell you to relax but you can't right now so just breath. I'll try to find the Be Still thread for you.

Later we can make sense of the details.

It is going exactly as it should.

Breath!!!

fogg:

I kept a daily log of my situation when d-day came and I just looked at it to refresh my mind as to where we were three weeks in. Almost three weeks to the day from d-day we had what was probably the biggest love busting blow out that we had.

It appears to me that trying to work things out too early can set you back. We would have a few good hours and I would try to start talking about our situation and EVERY TIME it turned bad. Once I started PLAN A, which was about 6 - 8 weeks out, the LB's stopped and R finally started going well. Forcing discussion before the dust settled really hurt my situation.

PLAN A and avoiding LB's are hard! I would say it took 3 or 4 days of no LB's and PLAN A and I noticed a slight change for the better. I remember thinking that if 3 or 4 days make it a little better, a few more days will probably go even further...and it did. There is no doubt that it is SUPER HARD to avoid discussing things. Don't bring up anything related to the A. When you find yourself in a down mood, try to avoid him. When he is in a bad mood, be positive and upbeat and give him space (in the house, that is). Think of yourself as an actor. Even though it hurts, do it. You are describing exactly what I went through and once I got it through my head to stop LB's and PLAN A the right way, things turned around.

Good luck!

I don't think this is the original but it has the basics: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2120511#Post2120511

One more thing...


This EXACT situation is mentioned in SAA. If feels like crap. SAA discusses a situation where the only reason one WS went back was because the WS was dumped by the OP. Your situation is not unique. What you are feeling and going through is exactly as it happens to thousands of others. There are very little variations to A's and how things play out. The players change but the game is the same.

Even "consolation prizes" can rebuild a great marriage once the affair is over. Don't worry about that.

You're very scattered, but some of us need cliff notes, so do your best to be calm and together.

1. How long till he gets home?
2. How long has the A been going on?
3. Did you do Plan A? How long?

If he gets home before you feel your ducks are in a row, you can do this:

1. Stay calm. Don't blow your Plan A.
2. No lovebusters.
3. Tell him you want to wait till tomorrow to discuss this, after you have a chance to think things through.
4. Continue Plan A for the rest of the day, being pleasant and doing your best to have you and the home looking attractive.

That will give us a little chance to figure out what's going on and advise you before you have to take action.

Whoever said the A is still going on is spot-on. Even if he's not actually sleeping with her at this point, he is still 15 ft deep in fog, and has made ZERO progress. There can be NO RECOVERY AT ALL while he is still in contact.

Breathe deeply. You're going to be fine, and we will do all we can to help you.

the biggest problem I see here is that the affair has not ended. Whether he would stay with you or not if you had an affair is ENTIRELY IRRELEVANT to your current situation. That is something that HAS NOT HAPPENED.

You do not have the luxury to worry and wonder about things that HAVE NOT HAPPENED, when your husband is STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR.

You should go into Plan B if he will not end contact with the OW. Your marriage will NEVER RECOVER until he leaves that job.

What does this mean exactly?

Funnyy you all say this..come to find out the OWh called me to tell me that my WH send the OW an e-mail on 9/22... discovered the 2nd A with the same chick (just found that out) on 9/12... told the OWH's on 9/17... he, my WH-[censored] was told by both me and the OWH not to have any contact and he sends her an e-mail on 9/22 telling her he is probably going to be fired and good luck...

WTF???? and again.. he tells me I am drinking too much beer and I need help yup, i do and I am calling my dr tomorrow to tell her my anti depressants aint cutting it!!!


I am such a loser!!

but the OWHs is going to send me the e-mail so I have that when I am moving to plan D.. (since he probably won'te have a job when I call HR tomorrow about the both of them!!)

I will survive!!!

Gosh, I am so depressed that no one is helping me!! after all this, he is smug in our bedroom watching TV and I have to deal with all this??

I need a life line right now.

Hey nthe,

I was just catching up on your thread. So the A is on again according to OWH? Man.

Just stay away from his smug self in the bedroom right now. If you have to interact try to keep it light. He will WANT you to lay into him, it gives him more justification for his A.

Charlotte

He was still working with her. OF COURSE the affair was still going on. OF COURSE he was in contact with her. This doesn't mean your marriage is over, unless you want it to be.

With what little I know of your sitch, I haven't seen any reason why you can't have a good shot at recovery. With what little I've seen, you're also overdue for Plan B.

Plan B is a good option even if you also pursue a D.

Sleep on it and see how you are in the morning.

Thank you all foryour responses... I guess I was in the fogg last night. I just feel I keep taking blow after blow and still have to function?

K... questions/answers

1) A was going on for at least 6 months.. D-Day #1 occurred back in March. was told it was a woman he met at a bar did not know her name, he got a room but she did not show

2) D-Day #2 9/12.. found pictures from her to him, him to her and text messages both ways on his cell phone. Confronted him.. got the 'ol.. it's just a friend, would not tell me her name or how he knew her.

3) 9/17: after alot of investigation on my part and digging, got the true name of the OW, and found out not only do they work together but she lives in the same town as me.. Call the OWH, expose the A

4) Did NOT do a NC letter b/c it was supposedly done verbally . He told her and the OWH's on the phone, while I was there, that there would be no further contact.. that was on 9/18.

5) Find out last night that on 9/22 he sends her an e-mail telling her that he will probably be losing his job..and wishing her luck.. harmless e-mail, he says, content wise, maybe but as I TRIED to explain to him... NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT..

Again, he tells me I'm the crazy one, I need the help.

6) He wishes I can just move forward, I'm not allowed to ask questions and get answers. He tries to state that he's telling me the truth but in the past 3 weeks I don't think that anything he has spewed out of his mouth is the truth.. I don't think he knows the truth if it hit him in the head...

7) NO I HAVE NEVER HAD AN A (that was a question someone had asked)I have had people proposition me and I came forward and told my WH immediately!!

8)His biggest LB (I guess thats what we'll call it) is that I spend TOO MUCH TIME TENDING TO THE GIRLS.. Geesh, I guess if I was a trashy whore like OW, who did not give a rats BUTT about her girls, he'd still love me? I would think a guy would want the quality of someone who tends to the house, the kids, makes dinner, does the laundry, makes the most of the money, pays the bills, would worship that woman. Praise him? Did it all the time, left notes, left VM's and e-mails, bought cards.. every time I went to the store I'd pick up a little something for him.. Rarely did I get that in return.

I get up at 4am to get into work to avoid traffic cause I have a long commute. I leave at 3 so I can pick up the baby at daycare and do the soccer stuff, the household stuff and make sure a nice dinner is on the table for the WH when he gets home.. He eats, gives the baby her bath and gets her ready for bed (yes I DO APPRECIATE THAT AND TELL HIM ALL THE TIME) and then he retreats to his beloved TV.....

I am sooo full of hatred. Plan A has pretty much been implemented since D-Day and shortly after I found this site...

I have been trying.. could I try more? maybe.. but my body, my mind and my girls cannot take too much more of this.

I'm going away this weekend to NYC with the 'girls' to celebrate my D's 16th and to see a college soccer game that has her as their top recruit for 2010. (he has come to hate the soccer thing b/c it takes up a lot of my time) I am DAMN proud of my daughter and I'll be able to take that with me it and when she gets a scholarship.. he can't take any credit for that!

Off to the gym to relieve some of my stress and shower..

Again, I'm sorry for my pathetic pleas last night.. I just felt like I was at the end of my line.. Still kind of feel that way.

I'm feeling so lost and I need to work on me. I know that, right now I just don't know if I'm coming or going.

on last thing.. my WH had said the other day (when I did the I want to work it, don't want to work it rollecoaster thing) that he deserves to be in hell, but did not deserve my waivering of whether I wanted to work it or not.. Funny, what he deserves..
He does not think about what I deserve or our girls.

He just thinks of himself and basically has always. I'm finally seeing him for how he truly is. And, its sad, I kind of feel sorry for him.

nthfog, did you see my post about their continued contact at work? The affair has not ended until contact ends. You can't even move forward until that problem is resolved.

Yes Mel, I did.. I guess I was holding off for financial reasons. And, the fact I had a thread left of trust in him.. Today? Not no more!

Called this morning and left message on the Head of Hr's voicemail..

Today is going to be an interesting day!