Hi Bob,

Your post rings true in many ways, and I hope our situations work out for the best whatever happens. My W toyed with the idea of going up to her aunt's house to 'think things over' but it never happened. And I know that my sitch is nowhere near as bad as some but it still affects us the same. As I've said before, my mum dying on my birthday when I was 25 doesn't feel as bad as this does.

Thank you for your kind words. Good luck to you too buddy

I think my W is staying at the mo partly because of the financial stability I provide. If I were to cut the finances and Plan B somehow, getting my own bank account etc., how do I get around the non-payment of the mortgage. My credit rating would suffer and the house would get re-possessed 'cause she would not be able to pay mortgage. This would also look bad in my Ds eyes surely? I know if we D then the house would go anyway, but then I would get some control over it, a better price etc.

Phil,

I'm seeing you inhaling the fog your WW is in.

About the meeting she was "invited to" and chose to attend ahead of your marriage.

Being on that committee at the school for the sake of her kids while she's tearing her family apart...To me, the analogy is that you two are concerned about the kitchen curtains while the house is on fire.

Put a for sale sign in front of your house. Allow her choices to be hers--stop playing this she does so what do I do, then if she doesn't game.

Stop.

Respect and accept her choices.

For you, state that your concerned about your credit rating, making the mortgage payments, doubling the costs by splitting up. Tell her your stuff...it's yours. She chooses. So do you.

Own your choices...you'd rather divorce, sell the house and split up than to move...let her know what you're not choosing. It's part of the bridge to understanding her not choosing, either.

Both of you seem to have the delusion you're putting your children ahead of yourselves for their benefit, when you're slapping them emotionally around...you're excluding them, actively lying to them and determining their future through omission. Really rough stuff. And you're keeping them in the school they will detest when they understand that's where the A took place, where it continues, and that their mother made them the reason to risk and have contact. That they were used.

They are old enough for input and you know that. When you actively do to others what you detest is being done to you (your WW lying and omitting you from her honesty), you have incredible inner pain from the internal conflict.

Does it really ease it, Phil, to blame WW for everything? For that pain, too? Or are you harming yourself, in addition, by doing exactly what she's doing...condemning her, hence, condemning you?

Straighten out the lines you live by. Accept your choices, the options you've excluded, and the ones you haven't. When you're focused on making her stop, you will miss doing terrible harm to the very family you really want to save.

LA

Approaching 3am here and I've just got in from work. Had a quick scan of tonight's proceedings and I think there is firm evidence of WW seeing OM. It's exactly a year today since D-Day1 and I'm shaking uncontrollably. I think it's a combination of both things.

LA - I will try and get my head around your post but for now, I think I am in shock and I don't know why, I should've expected it.

Right now your wife does not respect you. She knows she can continue this game and see the OM until the last kid turns 18 and then leave you. She does not believe you have the strength to file for divorce. Her continued in your face disrespect by chosing the school meeting over putting her marriage in jeopardy proves that.

Either S@#t or Get Off The Pot!!!

From DVR tonight:

Last week, She took car to work and got cab back to OM. Not sure the whole story but they did do something. I can't stand it, I'm going to have to confront, I can't take anymore. She is due at work in 4 hours from now, I can't sleep and I feel sick.

How do I approach this?? Please help

Nearly 5am and I'm still shaking. I can't go upstairs where she is.

Anyone around?

I went to get her cell at 6am and she got up and asked what I was doing. I said looking through your phone. She said why? and I asked her when was the last time she had contact with OM. She said in May so I called her a liar, major LB I know but I can't bear being lied to anymore.

I kept asking when, and she kept denying any contact. So I told her I want a D if she continued to lie, which she did. She doesn't want to D, so she says. I asid I knew about her seeing OM and leaving her car at work. She said did you record what I was sayiing to Janet (her client). I said maybe, she knows anyway that would be my only source. She then went on to say that all she told Janet was pure fantasy and made up for her benefit. I obviously don't believe her. And when I mentioned the 'secret' cell, she denied that too, saying she got rid of it. I was strong when I was talking to her but later went upstairs and cried and sobbed. By this time she was getting ready for work, she came up and tried to kiss and cuddle me but I pushed her off. She went to work and I went to her friends house, the one with the secret cell. Woman denied having any such thing at her house, said she had in the past but not now.

I think I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I have a doctors appt in 30 mins from now. Still not slept, I don't know what to do...

Phil... so sorry for your pain. This is a complete nightmare in which we try to wakeup from. I'm in a very similar situation. I have kids your age (plus a 3 y.o) As much anguish and pain I'm feeling, reading your posts pull on my heartstrings.

I can't offer advice, I wish I could, but I need it as well. All I can say is we gotta take it one day at a time and realize, no matter the pain we go through or the road we will eventually choose, it will get better, at some point in time!

Here's a hug for you! Chin up, know that you're a deserving/worthy person who care deeply for you W and your kids!

Thanks ntf

Been put on anti-deps, might be able to think a bit clearer? But just papers over the cracks doesn't it?

Went to the gym as usual. I'm not going to let her dictate the way I am anymore. Was in such a rush, forgot my towel, so had to come home sweaty! Not slept for 28 hours now and feeling it. W will be home from work in abouit 20 mins, wish me luck

Good Luck Phil!!

Remember, and trust me this one is harder to say than do!, but EN's and no LB's!!!

Good for anti-depressants! although I'm calling my dr to get mine tweaked!!!

You absolutely cannot continue the way you are. It will destroy you. I stand by my previous post:

Give her three options:
- NC letter, quit the P.A., and actively work on attaining a healthy, happy marriage with you
- She moves out
- You move to another home with the children and she can move in when she's willing to take the first option

Please continue to exercise and eat well. Try to rest, try to distract yourself with interesting activities. Busy yourself with the kids. I know how awful you feel, and I'm sorry you're hurting.

Thanks ntf and th

I've told her the bare minmum is quit the P.A. She said she'd think about it, I said, don't think too long and she replied 'Are you saying it's the P.A. or you?' So I said 'Yes'.

Had a better chance to listen to DVR today but can't bear what I hear. Seems like they have slept together, maybe twice, I feel physically sick. If she is to be believed that is was a fantasy then why would she say that OM 'didn't last long'? Surely she would say it was the best sex ever? And to think only a few posts ago I wouldn't be in the same situation as alot of people on here and now it's come true. I can't stand it and I don't know if I can continue.

There's so many things that tie in on the DVR that it can't all be made up. She's sticking to her story that last time she had contact with OM was May (lie) and that she doesn't have another 'cell' (99% sure lie). I can't make her tell me the truth, at least if she did we could start at the same place and work from there.

Nothing has changed really since Friday morning it's like nothing has happened. She has gone to work as usual and will probably hear from OM, she said as much on the DVR. So even if she does quit the P.A. they will make contact in other ways.

If only I was strong enough to follow through with threat of Plan D?? SIL is sick of it all. I called her on Fri morn as I couldn't talk to anyone else, she thinks W is lying too. But then we saw them on Sat,and me and W are playing happy families. SIL cannot take it anymore, it's messing with her head too.

Also apparently she's said to OM that she loves him and that the 'dynamic' has now changed!?

I see your D-day anniversary just passed and your wife is still in her affair.

Did you ever hear the definition of insanity?

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

You need to send your wife to the curb, immediately.

I know it was like re-living the day over again 'cause it was exactly one year after D-Day1.

I keep listening out for her to say that she wants us to work but it never happens. She'll say it to my face but I know she doesn't really mean it. It's so hard, if I could Plan B somehow...

You can but you choose not to.

Can your wife be legally removed from the house? She needs to go. Do your daughters know about their mother's behavior? They are old enough to be sat down and talked to about her A. Keep in mind you don't have to bad mouth their mother with all sorts of names. Why are you still pretending to be one big happy family?

I don't think so. She admits to nothing and still denies everything.


No they don't. Oldest kind of knows situation but not latest development. Why am I playing happy families? Fear I suppose, if I'm honest. At the moment I can't face being lied to constantly, nor do I want to be divorced. It sounds crazy I know, if this were happening to someone else, I'd be saying much the same to them as people are here to me.

I have not gone through the entire thread but you are being a doormat. Your actions or rather inaction is only enabling WW's affair. If you refuse to plan B what do you think plan D will do for your living arrangements? That's assuming you aren't planning to share your wife with OM for the rest of your marriage. Expose the affair. Think of the lesson, you are teaching your girls...be a doormat and smile.

Expose for your children's sake. You are not doing them any favors with your inaction. You are teaching them a very bad lesson. Would you want them to do what you are doing today if they were in your situation?

Today you need to do this:

Expose to the school.
Sit your daughters down and tell them what I promise you they already know.
Expose to everyone else.

After you do this you will feel a tremendous weight off of your shoulders. Your wife will go ballistic but YOU will have done the right thing.