OMG I thought you were in Fla. like ears!!!

I had no idea I shoulda been worried about you... I am so glad you're ok...

Glad to hear that you and yours made it through safely. Best wishes for a speedy recovery for your area.

Just have to vent.

So, as you know, I've been trying to catch up on 3 years of taxes, right? As my H sits on the couch 5 feet away watching tv or sleeping (as he's doing now), I've been digging through boxes and boxes and boxes of paper, pulling out every single piece of paper that could possibly apply. I got two years turned in, and was all through the last one, until H pointed out that I have to find all the receipts for expenses for upgrading our last house, so we could write them off against the $100,000 we made selling it. So I've been doing that for 3 months. You know what my house is like. I've dug through every drawer in every dresser, bookcase, cabinet, box, under furniture, you get the idea. So I'm up to $65,000 in receipts (yeah, that's what I said). I've asked H to help me at least once a week for the last month. Nothing. I think I'm through last week, wanted to get it done before October so we don't miss the deadline of 10/15 with the IRS. Plus H is going to China this weekend for 10 days.

So I send him the Excel file last week to review. He doesn't look at it. All he says is did you get X, Y, and Z in there? I say I don't know the amounts for X, Y, and Z; that was something YOU did, and there are no receipts. So how much were they? He doesn't answer. So Friday I send it to him again, say I'm going to send it to CPA that day, so please review it. No answer. I send it to CPA. He yells at me, so I tell her to hold on.

I go through more stuff and find 3 more years of receipts, tell him I'm sending it in. He says what about X, Y, and Z and I say I'm still waiting for you to give it to me; no response. I give him the Excel sheet again last night. Actually I gave him my laptop. He picks up the laptop off his lap and puts it on the coffee table and goes to sleep. So today, I send him my estimation of X, Y and Z to the best of my recollection, which raises the total to $75,000, and say in the email 'this is what I'm sending.' Then I have to leave to take D18 to the doctor, and he calls me and chews me out for sending it to CPA.

He tells me if I hadn't been so 'lazy' I would have called the buyers (our friends) to ask them how much the amounts were. At that point, I just got tired of being blamed, and said "I guess so." and hung up on him. He called back 3 times, I refused to answer until the 3rd time, at which point he asks me why I hung up and I said I was busy (I was looking for D's retainer at home and late for the appointment) and that I was talking to D. So he says "Oh, well, let me let you go then. That is all so much more important. Why don't you just call me when you have some spare time." I said 'fine' and hung up again.

So then he texts me and says 'All u needed to do was ask me before sending - you gave me no time. This is why we're paying so much this last time - wrong info to her'! In other words, it was ME who sent her the wrong info. No time, he says!

So I text him back:
"I brought it up two times last week, saying I needed help.

I sent you the dollar amounts on the spreadsheet last Friday and asked you to look at it and/or find whatever else we needed. I showed you the spreadsheet last night and asked you to look at it. And I've been going through boxes full of paperwork right in front of you for a couple months, just like I've asked for help for every other year's worth of taxes.

How is that giving you no time?

You could have helped at any time over the past few weeks, or during any of the other times I got this all done, and found the money you say I missed. Which I don't see how I could have missed, since I've gone through every box, drawer, and container in the house. But whatever. It's always my fault anyway."

So I get home tonight, he asks did you find this (yes); what about that (yes); how about (yes). So he stops that, and starts being NICE to me. I guess he's so unused to me being protective of myself that it scares him and he feels like he has to flirt to get me to stop being mad at him. But that just makes me madder.

It ruined my whole day, him and his damned OCPD. The calls were at 3 and I spent the next 6 hours being miserable. Why do I let him affect me so much? Especially when I KNOW he is wrong? I was literally driving to pick up D18 from church and thinking, when I saw an ambulance rush by, 'maybe it'll be him, and he'll be dead' and then proceeded to think about how much easier life would be.

I'm so ashamed for thinking that way. But all I want to do is go to sleep and never wake up, I'm so tired. I have a bag full of papers of things I need to take care of (letters to write, calls to make, college stuff to look at, bank stuff, etc.) that I take back and forth to work, hoping to get 2 or 3 of them done in a day (I guess I should stay off MB so I'd have time, lol). I'm trying not to spend a dime so I can get out of debt and away from him asap, but honestly, I'm looking at at least 5 more years financially before I can afford to live on my own, and that's just MY bills. And that's not counting D18's college. I'm just so tired of being unhappy.

Ok, vent over.

(((Cat))) I would love to put together an amazing post to you, made up only of a fe of the many of the really cool advice that you give to others. I have so much admiration for you, cat, speaking up when I know that doesn't come naturally to you. There are no small changes.

I was literally driving to pick up D18 from church and thinking, when I saw an ambulance rush by, 'maybe it'll be him, and he'll be dead' and then proceeded to think about how much easier life would be.

Wow, cat, that's a pretty brave thing to admit. I'd thought I was the only one who felt rage like that. We're going to get better at this, Cat, at defending ourselves from the LBs, eliminating the LBs from our lives, Replacing it with joy Like celebrating getting all that off to the accountant! We'll feel like blowing them kisses, even if it is kisses goodbye, instead of like wishing them dead.

Cat,
I don't know all the circumstances about your house, but I do know that if you've lived in it for 2 years of the 5 before selling it, you can make up to $500K (edited to add: if you are filing jointly) on the sale w/o including that as income.

Please excuse me if I am way off base in the circumstances of your house sale.

Honestly, ears, I can't even imagine that. He has killed all emotion in me, with his need to be right all the time. Even last night, getting ready for bed, he has to keep defending himself. He tells me that he NEVER got the email I sent Friday with the Excel spreadsheet.

Therefore, of course, none of this is his fault, right? Let's just forget about all the rest of the arguments. But it made him feel good to get to say to me that he didn't receive that email. And then proceeds to belittle me for not getting his clothes ready, dry cleaned, for his trip to China this weekend. I told him he hasn't gotten me an itinerary yet (to know what kind of clothes he needs). He says, 'just like the last trip.' I say 'fine, I'll take clothes to the cleaners tomorrow.' He says 'oh great, that'll do no good.' I say 'if you take clothes in in the morning, they get out by 5' (back to defending myself again). He says 'yeah right.' I say 'are you calling me a liar?' He says nothing. I turn over and go to sleep.

I guess I've just finally started to reach that breaking point, you know? The one that's so far out there on the precipice I can no longer draw myself back from it, I'm so tired and so mad and so hopeless.

He had asked me yesterday on the phone if I'd gotten his email (at 2:40, when I left work at 2). I said no. So I get to work today and read it:

He's been going on and on about how her new boyfriend is evil incarnate (not true).

So anyway, being in this mood...here's what I sent him. I'll probably be in the fight of my life today over it:

Yikes. I don't think I've ever talked back that much. This is going to be a fun day. Not.

Thanks, BringItOn. I appreciate the help!

I knew about that, but I'm not sure we can use it. We moved out in 2003 and he didn't finish working on it until 2006 and we didn't sell it until 2007. Yeah, that's what I said. Just a huge mess, part of his inability to face 'things'. He just avoids. So he went the first 2 1/2 years after we moved, working on the NEW house, ignoring the old one, just continuing to pay all its bills while it sat empty. Then he finally drained all his money (our money) and realized he needed to get it sold, and started working on it on weekends. The most insane thing I've ever heard of, yet he doesn't see what he did wrong. And part of this time he was laid off and not working!

Anyway, he's determined to get every last penny. All the the other years of taxes, I couldn't get him to help, so I finally did it all and sent them in, but he holds it over my head all the time that I didn't do enough, that I didn't find all the exemptions we were due, i.e., I cost him money. When I suggest that he was welcome to drop in any time and help find those elusive exemptions, he changes the conversation.

It's all just a big mess and I need it to be over.

Cat, wow, that is some email. I saw some "you messages", but I think that it met the creteria, "Say what you mean and mean what you say, just don't say it mean," and "check your intent." I think your point was loud and clear, "back off, buddy."

What's your plan for self-care today? What can you do today to reset your chemicals? The gym? Swimming? Something with DD18?

Cat, what do you think about keeping a bag packed in your car, with a change of clothes for you and DD and some cash? What about lining up a friend you could stay with overnight if it came to that? Like a back-up plan?

I'm packing a bag for H, too, before he gets home tonight, and putting it in the his car. I'm going to tell him, this is your bag. If you get hostile to me, this is where it is, so you can take it and go. I am also going to suggest to him that he line up now where his back up place to stay is. Plant the seed, so it doesn't come as a shock to him in the moment, that our home is no longer a place where I tolerate hostility.

Thanks, ears. I needed to hear that. Actually, D18 and I talked about the packed bag, both in therapy together and on the way home that day. We agreed to do it. She also told her best friend's mom and her boyfriend that something like that might be happening. Of course, I can always stay with my friend across town, she's offered it many times. I just don't see how I can afford monthly payments. I simply can't, with all our debt.

Today is the first time I've thought about that ever-present threat of getting audited by the IRS and possible prison (cos it's all so messed up), and thought, 'you know what? I wouldn't even be averse to THAT, if it got me away from him.'

How sick is that?

Of course, then, I just thought, well, I'd just go ahead and go the suicide route if that happened.

Jeez, what a mess. I wish I wasn't so ashamed of all this that I could talk to my mom about it.

Wanted to add one bright note. Someone suggested a while back that my H is afraid of me being mad at him. That is very much true. Of D18, too. When he argued with D18 the other day about her boyfriend, he called me later just to ask if D18 was 'still mad' at him.

And any time I've stood my ground and said what I thought, the first thing out of H's mouth later, after we've been apart after the event, is if I'm still mad at him.

All part of his need for approval I guess. If I could just get to the point where I'm not terrified of conflict, I might be able to get somewhere with him. And I also need to learn not to instantly say 'I'm fine' or 'Nothing' when the subject gets brought up.

I've learned to do that because, if I ever DO say that I'm still upset, he goes instantly into defending himself and proving to me that he's done nothing wrong. *sigh*

I told D18 the other day that I was going to get him to go to IC with her, so they could hash out the boyfriend thing. Maybe this will be the impetus for that.

Cat, if you're still thinking about hurting yourself, does that tell you that you've got to get back to the IC and get your meds fixed?

What alternatives are there to getting into a place with monthly payments? What about an in-home Plan B?

Does he leave you alone in the house when you ask him? Would that be a good option? What if you let him know that you will have the police remove him the next time he tries to break down the bathroom door? Maybe there's a bigger room that you can lock yourself in. That sounds like not such a great long-term solution, but may give you some more short term options.

Oh, I'm not thinking of hurting myself. I'm probably in a better place now about that than I've been in 10 years, with the meds and coming here to MB.

I was just talking about if my biggest fear, the IRS, ever came knocking. Since we've been married, we've been late on returns, sometimes 3 or 4 years late, for the last 25 years. So I have this inordinate fear that they're going to appear on our doorstep one day and audit us. And you can imagine with our recordkeeping, how much of a nightmare that would be.

The leaving alone thing is a problem. Did I tell you about the other night when I had to leave the house? He yelled at D18 first, and then got in the car and started driving down the road (11pm) honking his horn, callling my name, looking for me. I got in the car, just to keep him from continuing to honk the horn.

That kind of response is the main reason I've never stood up to him. Or considered leaving while D18 was still home.

Cat, what do you think about calling the police when he does this? Giving him fair warning ahead of time? I do that, too, go to a public place when I'm scared. My H wouldn't honk at me in front of the neighbors. But since your H does, you have another avenue for help there. Disorderly conduct I think it's called.

I'm not sure I'd ever have the nerve to do that, considering the backlash I'd get later. But I'm certainly going to try to point it out to him, how insane it was, how bad it made HIM look, and how if it gets worse, I may consider it. And then discuss what boundaries I'm going to have to protect myself.

This hopelessness feeling, it's actually kind of freeing. As in, how much worse can it get, and therefore why not just say what I mean?

So he's taking the coward's route (sorry for the DJ). He's pretending I never sent the email, and including me on emails between him and his coworker. She emailed him that his license tag was expiring this month; he replied that he hadn't gotten the notice yet. I've been doing bills now, so I replied to him that I had the notice and I was going to pay it next paycheck (don't have enough now). So he replied "thanks!"

Or else, he'll wait til later til he feels he has enough ammo to prove his righteousness again.

ETA: he's sent me his itinerary, which he's had since 9/9, so I can pack for him. And he doesn't leave til Tuesday. So all this for nothing.

Went to the garden shop for lunch. And had Mexican food. ;0

Got a shock, though. Was looking at the hardscape stuff, you know, the bricks and things, which is something I've always wanted to do but H would never invest in. I had been planning for a while to buy a particular kind I like that I could put in myself, and I had decided that when I find it (hasn't been around for awhile), I would start buying a couple pieces each paycheck, since that's all I can afford, you know?

So I'm looking in the store for the concrete blocks I want, and it struck me - Am I sure I want to spend any more money on this house? I may not be there in a year.

The finality of that just hit me in the gut, that I had been playing around with this idea of leaving for years, not really investing in it, you know? But for the first time, I stopped myself from making concrete (sorry for the pun) plans for this future.

Very scary stuff.

I don't know how you do it, ears.

So the answer to my question is that he hadn't read my email yet. Read it just now, called me.

Him: "So what's the deal with this email? Do you realize you sent it on my company email, so now they ("they") are all going to be sitting down and reading this and knowing my personal business?"
Me: "I was just responding to YOUR email."

I said nothing, he asked if I was still mad at him, I said nothing, so he said 'if you're not going to talk I guess I'll let you go." I said "Ok" and started to hang up, but I heard him keep talking. Then he said he hated for me to be mad at him; so I said "then stop criticizing me."

I started out not talking, but braved it out and said what I felt. That I didn't like being criticized, that he had plenty of opportunity to be helping me. He didn't (of course) even remember saying I was lazy. First he justified it by saying people were standing at his door and he needed to leave when he had called me that. I said nothing. Then he said, "well that was a poor choice of words; I should have said if you needed it immediately you could have called Garry. I apologize."

He tried to justify not helping me by saying he had to mess with the fridge and generator etc. for the hurricane, but I said he had plenty of opportunities when I was going through boxes and he was sitting on the couch watching tv or sleeping.

Then he tried to say that his sleeping or watching tv was no different from me or D18 playing solitaire or reading emails. Wasn't going to let that go, so I said "well, in the meantime, I managed to get 3 years worth of taxes done between playing solitaire on the computer, while you watched tv or slept." He had to admit that was true.

He also admitted going back and finding the file I sent him last week. But he justified not seeing it because he said I attached it to an email where I was helping him from work, so he deleted it. Not true, I didn't, but I'm beyond arguing.

We talked awhile about the taxes, and how CPA is just waiting for this one thing. He said, of course, he didn't know that, that he would have helped me had me known. Right. Then he said, if that was true, why didn't I just ask him to help? (#$#%)

See what I mean by he has to justify every single thing for which he can be held responsible but doesn't do?

So I dived in and said "every time I ask you to help me, you get mad and tell me I'm nagging you." 'No I don't.' "Ok, then, the next time I tell you that something has to be done, and you get mad at me, I'm going to remind you of this conversation." 'Ok.'

Me: "So can you help me get these figures by COB tomorrow so I can fax it to CPA so she can have it ready by Monday so I can pick up all the years of taxes and we can sign them and get them in the mail before you leave Tuesday for 10 days?"

Him: (sighing) "Yes, I will help you get it done by tomorrow night."

So. There we are. Got somewhere, but now I don't even care.

It does give me a tiny sliver of self-worth, though. Have to be grateful for that.

Thanks for letting me rant here.

Cat, I can't believe I missed your post.

I see you assuming his reaction. Cat, we were raised with beliefs, and some are true today, and some are not. We were raised with coping mechanisms, which don't fit us today. We need life skills.

Have you ever read Love Without Hurt? They have something called a HEALs method, a recentering activity that you do when you feel bad, like when your H LBs you. The idea is that we can retrain ourselves to be connected to our core value no matter what is going on. It's REALLY cool, and I forgot I was doing that, when I was calmer. It doesn't have to be that, though. In Alanon, a lot of folks say the Serenity Prayer to recenter. What do you do to recenter?

I am glad to read that you did some things you liked at lunch time.

Cat, I think that looking at why you go to the future, assuming what he's going to do, you will find a payoff. I don't know if you remember, I was doing the same thing this weekend. Because I didn't feel safe not knowing, so I gave myself a scenario to prepare for. LA asked me what my payoff for not staying in today was. It was my fear. I have a lot of fear right now. I talk to my fear, ask it what is it telling me, to I can address the concern. Come back to today. Recenter. That is what is helping me.

I would love to hear your thought process. Why you choose top predict your H's behavior. Whther this behavior still fits, or if you'd like to replace it. What you may want to replace it with. How you come to feel better.

I would love to hear you tell us, cat, and even to tell your H, what you would like to do this weekend, instead of hanging around him in the garage.

ears, I didn't answer cos you posted before my last post, and I was waiting to see if you had anything to add. As for your last post, I do assume his reaction. As an abuse victim, no matter how slight the abuse, my self-protection is in assuming his reaction so I don't get chewed out, yelled at, criticized, embarrassed...

My recentering, at this point, is really just a selfish pat on the back. Like eating Mexican food. Or drinking a glass of wine when no one is home so I can pretend I have a life of my own.

I know that's not healthy. I'm just too overwhelmed to move beyond it.

Cat, I saw your post, too. I feel encouraged reading about how you share your O&H. I have a hard time with that, opening up when someone is still angry. LA mentioned PTSD earlier this year, and it looked like that is what I experience on a small scale. I just freeze, because I feel like I'm in danger, and don't have enough information to make a good choice. The listen and repeat helps with the not knowing part a little, gives me something to do that I don't feel like I'm escalating further. But then I stay too long sometimes, too, when I need to pay attention and remove myself when the DJs keep coming.

You had mentioned how your H asks "are you still angry?" I have my version of that, "are we friends?" I am working to replace that with, "I feel bad when there is tension between us. I'd like to call a truce." A respite.

To be honest, cat, I think you need to do what you told YAL. To call the United Way. To get into IC where you have the support to make choices that feel god and healing to you.