I agree with Mimi on this one. You don't know what's going to happen, so why not keep that hope in the box on the shelf in case you need it some day.

But why should this prevent you from dating? Did you have a good time with V? If he's coming on too strong, can't you say "Whoa, dude. I had a nice time, but that's too much. I can only do *this* much right now, and if you want more, you're going to have to find someone else"? So that you can continue to enjoy his company without getting into more than you've bargained for?

Maybe I'm being naive, but I think that the only risk in this approach is that if and when Drac finally Wakes Up, you may have moved on to someone else and won't be interested in taking him back. At this point, Bugs, aren't you willing to take that risk?

I know I am. I miss spending time in the company of women.

And, FWIW, your comments about your reaction to your date sound EXACTLY like what Sis said after her first date. I haven't heard from her in quite a while, and I can only assume it's because she's having so much fun, she doesn't have time to spend on her old MB pals.

ok, now that Lexxxy, mimi and guy smiley have chimed in, I can see why dating, while being honest with the guy about your limits, IS a good thing.

I like guy's approach to the whole dating thing.

I love how y'all teach me stuff

I'd be interested in more people chiming in, because it's all hypothetical for me right now.

WHOOPS!!!

I can't foget the Foxy lady . So sorry. Much love. Much respect.

Hmmmm:


Does SOMEBODY have an ADMIRATION Need?

Darn! Ya caught me, LG!

I have an ADMIRATION need and a DON'T LEAVE ME OUT! need.



Thanks, SL - I feel much better now.

Fox

Bugs,

Just dropping by for support...

You're getting great advice (....and many of us 'lurkers' here are benefitting).

Thanks...to you and to those posting.

I like your approach, too, guy...like SL said...

Seems like someone asked you earlier, Bugsy, if you have difficulty being straightforward and open? What keeps you from saying something like this? This is how I communicate with my husband NOW...straight, upfront, honest and open...HEAD UP, CHEST OUT..eyelashes fluttering (?)..not sure that's a word..LOL.. with a whiff of cologne...

Hi Bugs,

Wow, you certainly have a lot going on for you. Not all the good news I had hoped, but learning about life nonetheless.

I totally relate and wish for the same things you do. I wish so hard that Drac and WH would figure this out, but they are stupid. They are selfish and for some reason you and I seem to still be in total love with our H who don't exist today.

Will they come back, I have no clue. Will I continue to wait, not sure anymore.

I obviously can't offer advice, but I can offer a prayer, hug and my best wishes that you are taking care of yourself and learning the lessons that G-d needs you to.

How did we get so lucky to love such yutses? :RollieEyes:

Bugs:

Just wanted to chime in.

You KNOW what Drac is doing. And YOU KNOW that he KNOWS what you want.

Therefore, go date. Nobody you date has any right for your exclusivity until you say so. You can also double and triple date with others to reduce the "exclusivity" pressure. Get to know some of the others better.

And to just get out there. Because you can.

(((Bugs)))

LG

DITTO, LG!!!

Hey, Bugs

I think I mentioned that some of the things you said about your date sounded like things LilSis had said, so I sent some of what you posted to her to get her perspective. It was a bit different from mine.


You said this. What jumped out at Sis was "Things I am dying to hear from Drac." That wasn't the case for her. The only thing she wanted to hear from her WH was an apology and recognition for all the destruction, but she didn't want him back anymore. Her Done-o-meter was pegged. Yours isn't, and so she questioned whether you are really ready to date.

I can see her point but choose to look at things in terms of what you want. There are the extremes

Done: you wouldn't take him back regardless. Dealing with Drac: go ahead and have contact and establish a level that is best for you and the kids, whatever that happens to be. Dating: you are free to date whatever kind of people you want--even the ones who are looking for a mate.

Very Not Done: what you want is still for him to come back. If this is still what you want, then you should get back into a dark Plan B. Protect your feelings, don't meet his needs--the whole nine yards. As far as dating, you shouldn't be doing it at all. If this is where you are, you should probably still be consulting with Steve.

And then there's the middle ground, which is where many of us live. You don't close off any possibilities. You try to leave the door open where you can. Seal up the hope as best you can.

As far as dating, do it casually. Maybe that means you have to avoid the people who are in mate-seeking mode, which it sounds like the-guy-whom-we're-not-referring-to-as-stalkerboy-anymore might be. Maybe it means you have to be honest with him about what you are and aren't looking for.

I'm probably being naive about this casual dating thing, because I haven't actually done any of it myself, but it's where I hope to get to.

You haven't checked in for a while, so an update would be good. After I sign, I'm going to a Texas Has Information Systems Implicitly Seeking Heavier And Rounder Dogs meeting.

Hey everyone!

I've been crazy busy with work & trying to get ready to head out of town this afternoon for my nephew's wedding in Kentucky. (and answering like 20 text messages a day from V (aka - stalker boy).

Right now I am sitting at the lube place getting the oil changed in the car before I hit the road later, so this am taking the time to post real quick.

SD,,,,it was so sweet of you to touch base with Sis about my sitch. Please pass along my thanks to her as well!

Your Done-o-Meter phases are right on the money. I think I'm like so many,,,, living in the middle right now. I don't think I'm up for dating someone who is mate-seeking mode. Perhaps if I met someone & it slowly got to that point I might feel differently. The sitch with V isn't that kind of situation.

I had planned on seeing him last night so that we could talk about things, but it didn't work out. I just feel more comfortable doing it in person, as I want him to be able to see me & for me to see him so that my message comes across the way I want it to. He's going to be hurt no matter what I say, but there's nothing to be done about that. Better now than later. While I feel badly, I realize that it's not my fault. That's a new thing for me since starting MB and something I still am working on - not taking responsibility for something that's not mine to take on.


What I want and do not want right now in the 'dating' world? Casual & fun. Period. End of story. If someone comes along that eventually leads to more I'll deal with that if/when it happens.

Mimi - it's not so much that I have a problem stating my truth but I do have a way of 'waiting' for what I feel is the right moment in time. That is something I'm working on because it's not so much a good thing sometimes. I need to be less concerned with the other person's reaction and/or feelings quite so much if it's something that is hurting me in any way by not coming right out and saying it.

Thanks again,, Everyone. My car is ready and I gotta roll. I'll post again later if I end up getting ready with time to spare,,,,,,,,,but don't hold your breath! ha!

Oh, SD, I won't have time to tell on your thread, but good luck with the MSA. I know what you are saying about this meeting -

I've been to the sister chapter here in my area - Texas Has Information Systems Seeking Ultimately Crazy Kitten Sitters.

Hey Bugs,

Have an awesome weekend...

Hi Bugs,


Glad to see Bugs taking care of Bugs.

Looking forward to hearing all about the wedding.

Morning!

Glad to finally be able to get on to post. Not that I had a lot of time yesterday , , ,

The entire weekend was very, very good. We worked hard to pull off a lot of things last minute for the kids, and it paid off well. They don't have much money, and had even less sense when it came to trying to plan a wedding. The bride's parents have been against this relationship (especially her dad), so the things usually taken care of by the bride's family fell to my sister. We picked up the slack and it came off beautifully!

They were very happy and pleased with everything. With the loss of his brother last year, there was a tinge of sadness around the edges - - - but that also has made them both even more committed to one another & their children.

I can't count the number of times I teared up throughout the day/night. Happy tears and sad tears. Weddings are especially difficult for me. Seeing the happiness & promise of a new marriage,,,,,,,,,remembering feeling the same way on my wedding day,,,,praying that they never experience what we all have. Anger at Drac. Sadness for my loss.

I experienced something I don't know that I've felt before in regards to Drac - a bit of pity. I feel sorry for him in that he does not understand what he's given up. And that I don't think he understands what he needs to do within himself before he can ever be truly happy. He's going to keep going around and around the same process with someone new every time. I seriously doubt he'll ever find someone as willing as I to try to make it right for a lifetime.

He apparently has someone new on the line - hot & heavy. He's not been on match for 3 weeks. He took the day off Friday to 'clean house', which means he was having company over. He was gone Sunday when it was time to drop off DSS, and he was out last night. Poor DSS. He's alone waaay too much. Although, I have to say he had a really good time this weekend, for which I am very glad.

I had a talk with V about our dating. I explained my boundaries and he took it quite well. I was clear that I am in no position to be making any kind of commitment to anyone and that I will be dating other people. He understands, but I don't think he will be doing the same. I think he understands that he has come on way too strong and is going to back off. We'll see how it goes.
We are going to dinner Friday night.

I'm trying to make today a good day, but am feeling a bit of a funk. I let myself think too much about Drac. It still hurts that he's involved in yet another relationship, while I am still hurting over us to the point where I'm really not all that interested in having other relationships of my own.

I'm just working every day to keep giving it over to God. He has a plan,,,,,,,,I just need to keep myself in a position where I allow His plan to work. Like everyone else here,,I just wish I could understand what that plan is!! I know that it will be what is Best for me, and that although I think I'm ready for it, only He knows that for sure.

Guess I'd better get to work!

Morning Bugs,

Glad the wedding was good. No kidding on how hard it is to be around happy couples and remember, want and know how different life can be.

You, I, Luna, SL, Chai and so many others have this unabashed ability to keep loving someone who just simple doesn't get it.

The more you describe Drac, the more I see WH in him. Is he EVER willing to realize that this running from relationship or situation to situation isn't the situation but their own lack of strength to delve inside themselves and see why they are so unhappy.

That is the part that we have no responsibility or can do for them. But it hurts to sit idolly by on the side line watching the continued destruction and still be so much in love with men who simply don't comprehend what they are losing daily.

I know this realization of pity and sadness well. I admire you so much and know you will work through this, but like everything else, we just get to feel the blasted feelings and keep trusting G-d.

Hi Bugs,


Sorry about this, Bugs...I think this is waaay too much info. that you DON'T need to know....

...is there any way you can go DARKER and 'protect' yourself better, Bugs?

Bugs,

This is my brother. On his third M and now unhappy again. Rather than work, it's easier to walk and hope that he'll find the love of his life next time. They operate under a different set of rules. My brother just recently admitted that he made the biggest mistake of his life when he gave up his first M after 20+ years. He has never, and will never, find anyone like his first W. She is a kind, caring, sweet, wonderful person who is now happily M to someone else (a rich someone else too). It took him 15 years to figure it out. I have a feeling it will take Drac a while to figure it out too. Sorry Bugs.

I do hope that you have a wonderful dinner date. Just look to have a good time and gain a new friend. And hopefully a free dinner!!