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Rob Parson is a good man, I've seen him speak. I thought this was concise and a reminder to all of us. All blessings Guard yourself from the affair - 'the ten-second rule'
Over the years, I’ve talked with many men and women who have been involved in affairs. One of the most salutary things is to realise that with many of them, they didn’t intend to be unfaithful to their partners. They sometimes blurt out, “It just happened.” They will normally go on to talk about some innocent event in which they were involved (often a genuine desire to help the other person in some way), and then go on to say, “It suddenly got out of hand.”
When is the battle won or lost in the affair? Is it decided at the bedroom door? No. The battle is so often decided when somebody smiles at you across a room and you have ten seconds to decide whether you will walk those twenty feet or keep talking to the boring colleague next to you. There is, in so many affairs, a line that has to be crossed. The tragedy is that so often it is drawn very near the beginning of the relationship, but once it is crossed, it’s hard to go back.
I spoke recently with a man who was in the middle of an affair. He’d lost just about everything. He said: “Rob, she offered me a lift. The second I got in that car, it was as if it was all decided.”
Ten seconds Next Monday morning, in a town near you, a boss will ring his secretary and invite her to lunch. It will be an ‘innocent’ business lunch. And they’ll meet the Friday after that, and the week after, too. After a while, the lunches will get longer, but he’ll say, “It’s OK, we can make the time up – I’m enjoying talking to you.” And soon they’ll begin to enact a tired old soap opera, with lines so corny you would hardly believe them. He’ll say something like, “You know, my wife doesn’t really understand me.” And she’ll reply, “I think I understand you.” Or she’ll say, “Peter never notices what I wear – he wouldn’t notice if I came out naked.” “I notice what you wear,” he’ll say. “That’s new, isn’t it?” And the following Friday, they’ll sleep together.
When was that battle lost? It was decided in the ten seconds after the thought crossed his mind to invite her to lunch. There was a short time when his hand hovered over that phone – he knew where it could lead, and it would have been easy to have backed off then. And for her, it was decided in the ten seconds after the invitation when she had to make up her mind. By the first lunch, they had crossed the line. It wasn’t so much that they were looking for the affair, but the affair had found them.
Pain It is sobering to consider the pain that could be saved – to husbands, wives, friends, and little children – in those ten seconds. You can ignore the ten-second rule and still pull back, but it’s harder. In truth, the tiger is picking up speed – and you’re on its back.
I remember talking to a man who was about to leave his wife and two small children for a woman he’d become attracted to at work. He didn’t really want to see me but some friends and his wife had asked that he give his marriage this one last shot. It was apparent that he really didn’t want to be there; his mind was made up.
I told him I wouldn’t keep him long – just five minutes. I said, “I know you’re in no mood to listen to my advice right now, so I won’t give it. But I see more affairs in a week than many people observe in a lifetime and I want to take a moment to tell you how the next two years are likely to pan out for you.”
I said that over the next six months he would experience incredible sex, fascinating conversation and at times he might say, “I feel as if I’m alive for the first time in my life.” This situation could last for a year but shortly afterwards, one night as they lay in bed one of them would say, “No, not tonight,” or “Did you put the rubbish out?” In other words, this exciting, passion-filled relationship would begin to settle down to normal.
Weekends and Christmas And then, I told him, “You’ll begin to wonder how your children look when they wake in the morning. I know you’ll still see them on weekends and at Christmas but you’ll begin to grieve that you are missing their childhood. Many fathers have that situation imposed on them, but you will have chosen it.
“And then a very strange thing may occur; it’s not impossible you’ll begin to think of the wife you left and things that annoy you so much now will not seem such a big deal then and you may begin to appreciate qualities that mean little to you now. And at that moment you may just gaze across the bed and the woman who has now captivated you will not seem the person that she is to you today.”
He didn’t say much, just, “Thank you.” But he never did leave his family. He and his wife have rediscovered a relationship they both thought was gone forever and two kids have still got a father.
Rob Parsons Click for source
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Nice article. Good to see you posting, you are good with expressing yourself via the written word. Granted there wasn't a lot of that in this particular post, but this was a good opportunity to say so w/o thread-jacking someone else's thread.
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* spits pop * ROFL !:D
Hi turt !
I don't post nowadays. No positive news from me so I leave it.
Pity the search function is still crocked too. Feels like all those who went before's wisdom is lost y'know ?
Hope all is fine your way.
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Thanks Bob. I really enjoyed that and I'm going to make sure that Ike reads that. I wish that someone had sat him down and told him that last part before he left. Maybe now he'll get it when then he didn't.
You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche
The person who is always finding fault seldom finds anything else.
I pity the fool. - Mr. T
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This situation could last for a year but shortly afterwards, one night as they lay in bed one of them would say, “No, not tonight,” or “Did you put the rubbish out?” In other words, this exciting, passion-filled relationship would begin to settle down to normal. This is EXACTLY what can happen during PLAN B..did for my husband... He started to lay there and think about ME..and thought I was GONE...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Hey Bob! I don't post much anymore but just posted to a BH a few minutes ago on Recovery actually called "bigbob". Poor man is in the beginning of this disaster, dealing with the very oh so boring WW. I came on GQll and here you are. Great article BTW.
You know Bob, if you are having a hard time I know that I and others here would love to help out. This recovery is no easy process. You take care! CV
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Excellent post BP!
Good to see you here if only for the short time it took to post this.
I still refer newbies to your toolkit.
The article reinforces what I tell people; adultery, in fact any "sin," is not merely a line that gets crossed but a direction one goes. The decision to cross the line is made long before the act itself. It is a decision to go where one should not go instead of merely a decision to do what one should not do.
You have to decide what you will do when the temptation appears long before it is visible. Once it is in front of you it becomes much harder to decide to do what is right. You have to know what you will do if confronted by it before it confronts you or that ten seconds goes by much too quickly and too easily.
Great article...
Mark
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Hi there Bob. still here, mostly reading, and always scour the board for familiar 'friends'. Things with me rather stale - three very good friends moved on this summer which is always the downside of the expat life. Peter's health is the same - that transplant list is pretty slow moving out here as the chinese like to be buried 'intact'. Still he continues to work and his company are, thus far, very supportive. Eldest in her last year of school! Take care, tt
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Hey Bob, good to hear from you. You've been quite missed around here, but good to see you're around. Very immpressive article and oh so true. Dr. Frank Pittman has said something simular, in that the decision to become unfaithful took place long before the act itself. Don't know exactly what "long" is or how it could be defined, but the jist is, a decision was made before the final crossing of the line. Kindof voids statements such as: One thing just led to another or some such nonsencical rubbish. I thrown that out there for years around this forum, only to be told by WS's "no, no, no, it did not happen like that." I think waywards want to believe the lie because it's easier to think they accidently killed someone, vs premeditate murder.JMHO. Good to see you're still aroung Bob, the quiet voice of reason. All Blessing, Jerry
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Hello friends I still look in occasionally. I thought this article was pretty cool though. If it stops ONE affair it will be a brilliant thing
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