Okay here is the deal, my husband had an affair four months ago with his co-worker. It started on an out of town business trip. They were intimate twice and it lasted three weeks. I caught a text message and it ended immediately when I confronted him. We have been married for 18 years and I am not leaving him. Hard four months but trying to survive.

The OW called and wants to talk. We are having lunch next Friday. Please help me.........what should I ask? I want to know her side? I want to know "Did my husband tell me the truth?" I don't want to miss this opportunity.

Has anyone every done this and what did you ask?

Please give me some feedback. I really need some help here!:)

THANKS!!!!

Polygraph your husband. Don't have lunch with a wh0re.

Do they still work together?


She's not going to tell you any truths.

Personally, I think you are crazy to accept any invitation from the OW. What she wants to do is appologize and absolve herself of her guilt. What she deserves is to lie in a toxic waste filled ditch while being eaten alive by worms.

Ask yourself, what could she possibly offer you? She nearly destroyed your life and marriage. As it is, your marriage isn't the same now, is it? Because of her. She walked right into your place and took what was rightfully yours. Now she feels bad and wants to get it off her chest? There is nothing this meeting could possibly accomplish for you and it's just going to make her feel better. She doesn't deserve it.

And why do you think she might tell you any "truths" your WH didn't?? Your WH made promises and vows to you. She didn't. You know she's a low-life w**** with no morals or values whatsoever because she slept with a married man. Nothing she tells you will be worth the oxygen she wasted uttering it.

The only opportunity this is for you is another opportunity to be crushed like a bug and your heart ripped out all over again.

Wow! You go Tabby!

Are the worms immune to the toxic waste somehow or are they like zombie worms?

Imagine that, a w**** trying to act civilized by inviting the BS to lunch! :RollieEyes:

Personally, I'd probably take the opportunity to stab my fork into her eyes and tell her what a piece of sh*t she is.

:MrEEk:

CM25,

Don't waste your time asking that tramp anything. No doubt she is bitter and wants to stick it to you and/or your H because after going through all the trouble of wh0ring herself to some guy she has nothing to show for it. Must piss OW off to no end knowing that. I spoke to OW but I sure as he// wasn't going to go to lunch with her. If I ever saw her face to face, her head would have been on a platter.

Does your H know about this lunch date? If anything you may be able to use it to your advantage. Tell your H if he doesn't answer all your questions TODAY then you will meet OW for lunch. He might start sweating bullets. If he calls your bluff, then so be it. You can easily play it off. Is OW married?

Talking to the OW.........what do I ask?

1- Were you always a wh0re or did you become one later in life?

2- So, what's the inside of a men's room look like?

3- Can you really balance a beer can on your head?

4- Did you really get a plaque at the Motel 6?

5- How do you get that nasty popcorn butter and soda off your knees?

6- What's it like being on a first name basis at the free clinic?

From a FOW POV I would think long and hard before you meet with her. You may want her side of the story, but you may walk away with more questions than you bargained for.

Is the OW someone you know?

She could very well be wanting to apologize, but she may just want to see where you stand. IOW, who have you told, what are you going to do, etc, etc.

Unlike many here seem to believe some FOW do apologize for the right reasons. I apologized to my FOM's W, not to ease my guilt, but because I truly was sorry for what I had done to her. I knew her socially and felt she certainly deserved an apology for what I had done to her. Not that it was going to make things all better, but I wanted her to know, despite my lapse in judgement, I did care about what I had done to her.

LC

WOW totally unbelievable!

I hope you asked your WS these same type of questions (gender specific of course). :RollieEyes:

LC

The OW is very likely to use this opportunity to deliberately make trouble between you and your husband. It seems tempting, but I strongly believe you should not go.

If you have nothing better to do for a while, feel free to read my story. You will find out the havoc an OW can wreak, even in recovery, first with my consent then without it.

The day I sent my own NC letter and told her there would be no further C even regarding the remaining business matters, was a day of rejoicing!

Focus on your marriage and recovery. DO NOT give her this free shot at you. Even if you get a part of the truth from her, it will be slanted in a way to cause unneeded conflict in your M.

And more.

You've no idea of a BS's pain and what it can do.

I called the OW in my case. I'll never be sure whether I would have rather not known what she told me or not. My WH met her while on assignment in another state, so I really knew very little about her. I got the number off his cell and called her to find out the truth (or at least to find out more than I knew)

I found out that WH told her we were D'd, they were living together, and on and on and on..... She actually apologized to me and said that she would stay away from him. Didn't happen.

Anyway, WH didn't deny anything, so I found out many things that he never planned to tell me.

I don't think you should go, but if you do just be prepared. Her mission may be to tell you a lot of things that may or may not be true, but can be very hurtful.

I'm going to throw in with those who say don't go. While there's a small chance that she is contrite, the odds are she's still the same old girl she was when she was happily helping herself to your H and destroying your heart and your marriage. How could you believe anything she says? Think she doesn't have her own agenda?

This looks like a place where angels wouldn't tread. Don't martyr yourself on that altar.

Note to Chai: Yours is the first I've seen that matches a very painful piece of my story: H erases W and tells OW he's D, AND OW also offered apologies when told the truth (yes, I called her after the blowup on D-Day, right after H went storming out--headed back to her. I didn't know about her; figured she might not know about me, and she didn't). "SO sorry. I didn't know. My H did that to me years ago and we're now D. I want nothing to do with your H now."

RIGHT. Next thing I know, she's harassing me, threating a restraining order on me, siccing her cop friend on me, sending me hate mail trying to make me believe my H was having ANOTHER affair months after he broke it off with her. WAY too much viciousness and drama. A real nut job.

Back to you, Corinmay.

Read the above and consider how much more violence and drama you want in your life.

A word to the wise is sufficient. Take it from us who've been there.

Hugs to your aching heart.

RHW

Maybe she's inviting you to lunch to tell you to stay away from "her" man. :RollieEyes:

Sorry, that sarcasm isn't at all directed at you. Any woman that's willing to have an affair with a married man is open to suspicion to anything & everything in my mind. They're utter garbage and I'd trust that meeting as far as I could spit.

My instinctive reaction is don't go. It's very hard to hold on to your dignity when faced with her and you can believe nothing she says anyway.

corinmay,

Wow. You are one gutsy broad. I mean that in the finest sense of the word, up there with the very best of them.


Okay, would I go to lunch with the OW? I know the OW in my case, she had been a (vomit) friend. If I went now, I might have to have my hands tied to refrain from bit^%-slapping her. Sorry, I digress.


From a communication standpoint, it might be sort of fun for me. Here's what I might do, if forced into this situation. This is one way I could get exactly what I wanted, and she would walk away with NOTHING.

Go in, greet her amicably. Sit down, order your coffee or whatever. Then, look right over at her and open the conversation with a direct look into her eyes - and show NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION WHATSOEVER. DON'T SHOW PAIN, HAPPINESS, COURTESY, ANYTHING.

Pretend this is the woman at the shoe department in the bowling alley, and she has just asked you what size shoes you need to rent. That's all the emotion you will attach to the statement. Got it????


You look and you say:

"So. We're here. I understand you have something to convey to me. Please, go ahead."

Let her speak. Don't nod your head.

Don't ask a single question.

DON'T OFFER ANY SINGLE PIECE OF INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR MARRIAGE TO HER.

Don't acknowledge anything she says as truth, a lie, or in the middle.

If she asks any questions of you, your response is, "I would really rather listen until the end, if you don't mind. I am trying to hear everything you have to say. I will consider your questions more toward the end."

Don't smile. Don't laugh.

Whatever you do, DON'T CRY.

You offer as little feedback to her about anything in your life, in your heart, in your mind, in your soul, in your marriage, in YOU, as possible.

IF there is an apology in there, you say simply, "Thank you. I appreciate your considering an apology."


And when she's done talking, you DON'T answer her questions. You say simply,

"I thought it was a good idea for me to come and listen to what you had to say. I think it was good for me. I have closure now. I hope you do, too. Now, never contact me, my husband, or anyone in my family ever again. I appreciate your time, your apology, and the closure. Good day."


Get up politely, leave enough money to cover the bill with the waiter, and walk out.


DO NOT LOOK BACK. AND DON'T LOOK BACK AGAIN.


BECAUSE THAT, MY DEAR, WOULD BE CLOSURE FOR YOU.

It would NOT be closure for her.

And wouldn't it be the way you would want it? With her having her questions unanswered? With her feeling walked out on? With her being left there embarrassed in the restaurant? With her feeling like the stupid one? With her not having her agenda met? With her having thought she would use you, and having the tables turned on her?


And with you knowing that you left with YOUR secrets protected, your marriage protected, and that you gave her NO PEEK inside what was happening in your recovery whatsoever?


Ahhhh. That would be closure for me.


But just to let you know one thing. For real. To me, the only thing that will ever make this "close" for you - will be when you get to the point that you are able to truly forgive it. You will reach a point that puts you on a path where you begin to search for forgiveness, and when you begin to walk that path you actually begin the path toward closure. You truly will not find closure with this OW. It is not there. Because....the affair was not about the OW, so the closure cannot be found in her......

The closure you seek can be found within yourself. You need no one else for it. You, and only you, can close this.


SB

It really doesn't matter whether the reasons OW wants to apologize are right or not. She does not deserve the opportunity. Plain and simple.

While Schoolbus's approach may be alright if the OW was a former friend or someone you knew pre-A, it certainly gives a stranger-OW way too much credit.

The OW in my sitch walked into my life unannounced and stole it from me. All I know about her is the following characteristics: (1) she is a w**r*, (2) she is a thief, (3) she is selfish, (4) she is a liar, and (5) she is stupid. Now it's quite possible she may have redeaming qualities - she might even swerve her car to avoid small children - but really, from what I already know, is it worth finding out? I don't care if she's sorry - truly or falsely. An apology from a liar means nothing anyway. Your OW has the same 5 characteristics above as well. Do you really want to sit in her presence and listen to whatever spews out of her mouth?

I met with both OW. The first was a drunk and a liar who ended up losing everything, the second was reasonable... I guess... as reasonable as an OW can be. I'm glad I did it though.

If you're going to meet with her, bring someone, not FWH of course just in case she tries to twist things around later. I would go in with your eyes wide open. You don't say if you knew this person before but if you didn't, I'd have to wonder what her motives were for insisting on a face-to-face.

I dunno...

I agree with SB though... I'd let her do most of the talking and don't EVEN give her any semblance of closure. She doesn't deserve it.

If you really need to find out your info(that you really don't want to know) prepare your questions well.

Also get an Rx for some acyclovir and make a great show of taking 2-3 of them at the restaurant table, leave the vial on the table and excuse yourself as you go to the bathroom.

Best of luck