|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I know this thread gets many more vistors but if I could get some help here in the dovirced / divorcing thread...
Topic is Letting go by zorazyial , my wife...
I am so lost and hurting now, I fear the harder I push for her the farther she goes...
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I put in my 2 cents! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 10,179 |
Make the changes in yourself that YOU need. Pray. See what happens, without being pushy. Not disagreeing with ya Mel, maybe I'm just too naive or romantic, lol, but I most always have a little hope left.  I'd like to think it wasn't for sure too late, if SW did everything he was supposed to at this late date.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I saw thank you, I wish you said different but all I can ask is honesty.
I love my wife. I wish I woke up a few weeks sooner. She gave up hope when she got back from a trip and we fought. On the trip she sent me a postcard stating her feelings. i was too foolish to do anything, or to stubborn. i wanted to in my heart.
Then she found someone else, and the rest you read.
I dont want to give up but I dont know what to do. I started working my plan A. I need that for me.
Anyways, thanks. I appreciate all the suppose you gave to zora over the past rough times too, I know you helped her.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I pray all day long the past few days. I will continue, I started with confession and healing my relationship with god.
I fear I am a few weeks late for Zora, that is in god's hands. I can pray though.
I will back off, I have put my heart out there for her to see, I have made commitments. I WILL follow through on them.
I will post my story, perhaps tomorrow morning. I am spent right now, its been a long few days and I have not slept in many of them.
I am lost and alone, I pray to find my way back. And when I get there I pray Zora is there.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
this quote says it all: I ended my EA some time ago, I was just to stubborn. I still have contact with OW because of work. We chat but just small talk now. The EA is over but I can understand why I have to end it toally. With just buying a house I cannot up and quit although I would to save my marriage, I would find a way.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
With just buying a house I cannot up and quit although I would to save my marriage, I would find a way.
You neglect to highlight the part where I said I would Find a way to do it!
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
Listen all,
Lots of bad things went on in our marrage by out both. I did not come here to be attached, I came here for Help.
I know i screwed up, I KNOW THIS. If you are telling me its too mate, and it seems that is what I am hearing, then I will have to live with this regret the rest of my life.
But I dont think it is, I think we can survive it. I think we can move forward, grow, and put this behind us.
I AM for this marriage. I will give up all that I have, all that I own, everything just for a shot.
Its never too late, ever.
And I dont blame her for wanting a divorce, not for one second. I hope against hope that she gives me another chance, I hope she does not continue her affair because we ARE still married no matter how little time is left. If she does not, she MAY end up where I am today, and that is not in a good place.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
SW, I thought my posts were very helpful. I think that since you have refused to end your affair all these years, that you shouldn't be given an opportunity to abuse your wife anymore. That is called CONSEQUENCES. And consequences are what help us grow into better people.
You said you would "find a way" leave your job, but that is just TALK. You never did that when you had the chance. And it sounds like it is too late for empty talk.
What I think is helpful for your wife is to get as far away as possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
Thanks for the honesty.
I have to disagree though, I know how good of a marriage we can have. We both have VERY strong families to see us though this. I know her, I know what I can do, and I know what it can be.
We both wanted this marriage SO BAD. First it was me, and she was gone and not willing to put in the work. This lasted quite some time. At least a year it not more where I was the one being abused. She wont deny thig. Then I left and started my EA, this is what woke her up and she stared trying but it was my turn to be gone... Now We traded again, I want it and she does not.
I know if we EVER work on this at the same time we can accomplish anything.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Your best chance of making this work, if that is possible, is leaving her ALONE until you end ALL CONTACT with the OW. That will do nothing but cause her to grow to hate you. Your continued contact is ABUSE.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
Understood loud and clear.
I could use some advice though.
We work togather, and I live alone and have a mortgage to pay.
Its really impossible for me to just up and quit, I want to do this. But I also have to be realistic. I cant live without a job, and there are not alot of them out there at the moment.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Its really impossible for me to just up and quit, I want to do this. But I also have to be realistic. I cant live without a job, and there are not alot of them out there at the moment. Well, I would get to work on that. Its not like you don't have alot of time, except the longer you take the more likely it is that she moves on.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
SW, Don't just go away on us... Even if you don't save what's left, which ain't much, this place can help you heal. Trust me on this, panic won't help. Nothing will happen overnight. The mess didn't and fixing the mess won't either. Breath. Relax. Gather your thoughts. I have to go home from work, but I'll be back...  Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I have a resignation letter written and ready to send in, an I acting rash? How can I live without a job? I hope I can find one.
I guess its more important to save your marrage than worry about the bills.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,058 |
Before you send it, look for another job, unless you like following one bad decision with another and another.
Yep. You have to quit your job if OW still works there.
No, you don't have to quit tonight.
The marriage didn't break in 24 hours and surely won't be fixed 24 hours from now.
Think.
Act rationally.
You drug your feet for a long time. You won't sprint to the finish now. She's already crossed the finish line and gone home.
You need to figure out what to do and then act instead of jumping off buildings and trying to fly.
Just so you know, you won't even know if you can save anything for six months or more. Panic won't help at all.
Acting irrationally and acting on instinct is what got you into this.
Work on THAT first. K?
Mark
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
I don't mean to put the cart before the horse...as it seems you have a lot on your plate right now. BUT I read through your W's first post and this jumped out at me: One of the things that has always bothered me about my H is that he at many points in his life has these female friends that he becomes close with. He's a very social person and always wants to go out to dinners, bars, whatever. He would always try and get me to be friends with these women that he met through work, usually, but I could just never.
Basically what appens is that I get angry with him about these 'friendships' he's had, so he end up breaking them off. In the 12 years that i've known him, there have been 5 such girl 'friends'. This type of behavior will come back to haunt you again and again and leaves you very vulnerable to an EA. I just wanted to point out that you'll eventually want to revisit this boundaries issue once the dust settles from your current sitch. And if you leave your job and your BW does decide to give you another chance...you should promise her that you will exercise Extraordinary Precautions, eg, never meet another woman's ENs (personal/intimate conversation, RC, etc) or allow another woman to meet yours. Good luck.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
I will try, everything hit me like a brick in the side of the heat.
For 4 days Ive been sleep little, popping caffeine pills to make it though the day and sleeping pills at night which dont work.
I walk the beach and think of nothing else.
I will try, I posted chapter 1 of part 2 on general forums.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 269 |
Thank you, I knwo this. I always wanted Zora to be friends with them. I wanted her to meet my friends from work and go out after work with us, everything is local to home...
She was depressed and never wanted to come. I should have been home with her, helping her. But I choose to say I asked, what more can I do.
I choose wrong, what more I could do was be home with my wife.
Me 31
Her 33
Married 6 + years, seperated 15 months
Relationship - 13 YEARS and hopefully counting.
Status - 10/5/2008 - Agreed to divorce.
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
162
guests, and
61
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,491
Members71,964
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
