Yeah Myka does that, she nips you ankles when we run. Zora would hold her on our walks, I would get a head start but she would always catch up and end up rounding me up...

The other one, well.. he kind of lazy.

I really appreciate your assistance, and you being here.

I feel so alone right now in an empty house when I can only think of one person. I am glad you are here.

Did you know a dogs actions can alleviate your fear of death?

Its true...

~DEATH~
WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPLAIN IT..
A sick man turned to his doctor as he was
preparing to Leave the examination room and said,
'Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.'
Very quietly, the doctor said, 'I don't know.'
'You don't know? You, a Christian man,
Do not know what is on the other side?'
The doctor was holding the handle of the door;

On the other side came a sound of scratching and whining,
And as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the room
And leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
'Did you notice my dog?
He's never been in this room before.
He didn't know what was inside.
He knew nothing except that his master was here,
And when the door opened, he sprang in without fear.
I know little of what is on the other side of
death, But I do know one thing..
I know my Master is there and that is enough.

I going tor try and get some sleep, though it would be appropriate to rename the thread though.

Great dog story.

SW, you didn't sell out your honor overnight, and you're not going to get it back instantly, and I think you understand that. But it is SO IMPORTANT that you begin the process, no matter what Zora says at this point. You need to do this for the sake of your own character, and if it assists in mending your broken marriage, so much the better.

1. You must have NC. Complete NC. No personal contact. No business contact. No hanging out in places you might run across her. No driving past places you might see her. NC means NO CONTACT, not just a little contact, or business only contact. Am I repeating myself? It's because this is so important. Without this, all your efforts are doomed.

2. So that means you need to quit your job. I'm not sure why Zora is so upset, if you're living apart anyway. Truthfully, it doesn't matter. You need to quit because it's the right thing to do, not because of anyone else's opinion, mine included. I do not recommend working "just until I can find something else". You might as well bid your honor farewell on the spot. Quitting the way you started to might not be the best answer, either. If it was me, I would give my 2 week notice bright and early Monday morning, and stick to it! That buys you a little time to find other work, and sets a definite date for when you will be leaving the place where you constantly face your greatest dishonor.

3. Keep learning more about affairs in general, and what led to you giving yourself permission to commit adultery. That is an important step to affair-proofing the rest of your life.

4. Learn about Dr. Harley's extreme precautions, and implement all of them on your own. Many of the WS's who come here have a strong BS who has laid them out as boundaries. You will have to do it on your own, but you will get great help from the folks here. You'll have to do it because you want to, not because you have a BS insisting on it. Your wife won't do that at this point, so it's all on you.

5. Do all this without expectation from Zora. Change because YOU need to. No pressure on her to notice or respond. Fighting for your marriage is a battle for another day. Right now you need to fight for you.

1) I know, I sold it out 18 months ago and continued to do so for some time. I knew it was wrong, not at first, at first Zora did not want out M and felt completly justified doing whatever I wanted. Its not until she found this site and began fighting for herself and her marriage did I realize what a mistake it was. But I was a coward, it was easier to give Zora the coldshulder and refuse to work on aything than to admit I was more than a friend to this OW. She was giving me almost all my EN's.

Im glad you posted that, I had forgotten about places we go. I will drive up there tomorrow and cancel my gymmembership as that is where she goes. I cant afford it anyways, I have more then enough ways to take care of myself physically without it.

2) I think its because she had lost all hope, wants the D so bad that she would rather see me in a stable job so that stree is not wearing on me. I know she still cares, after all she is still loves me is jut not in live with me anymore.

I have to give this more thought, I want to just up and leave, But reality does set in. I need to figure this out one, but while I am doing that I will be job searching.

3) Understood, I will. Its never ok to have an affair on your wife or husband, never. I want to make sure it never happens again becuase I am at the low point of my life. I dont want to be back here every again no matter what.

4) I dont have any of the books yet, I need to order them. Are you refering to anything in the basic concepts or something else hen you say extreme precautions...

5) I know. I have a hard time being powerless to help the situation, I dont like it when its out of my control. I have not really accepted this yet. I still want to find a way to fix it but I wont find it because its not there.

Thank you for your help.

I feel like such a fool. I know its a bad idea, but I cant sleep agan so I have been going back in time and reading some emails which Zora sent to mee over the past 18 mothhs and I came across this.

My Dearest Silverwind,



I am not sure that I have been able to express my sadness or my feelings about our situation over the last several months very well. So I have written you this letter. I have said many things in the past in the heat of the moment that I deeply regret. But here is where my heart truly is.



The problems in our marriage and our separation have hurt me beyond my wildest dreams. I want us to stay married. I don't want to divorce you. This is not how I wanted our life together to end up.



I have learned an awful lot about how I contributed to our marriage troubles. I have worked very hard to right my wrongs and be a better wife and friend to you through counseling, books, taking better care of you, the dogs and myself, and trying to meet your needs. I owe up to my part in this and I assume full responsibility for my behavior in our marriage. I will still do whatever I can for you to preserve our marriage.



I want to work with you to create a new marriage and a new life, better than what we ever had before. I want us to be best friends, soul mates, and lovers. I want to work with you to build a life where we both can be happy and fulfilled, a place where we, the dogs and our future children can blossom.



I want us to keep our marriage together. I want us to put the past behind us and work together to rebuild our lives. I really don't want this no contact separation or a divorce. For us to rebuild our marriage though, these conditions will have to be met:
-Individual and Marriage counseling
-A plan to rebuild our marriage
-Re-commitment to our wedding vows



I understand that these times have been hard for you. I know that I hurt you very deeply. I want to stand by you, support you, and help you through all of the things that hurt you.



I love you more than anything in this world and I want to stay married to you for the rest of our lives.



Love always,

Zora

Why was I so stupid. Why did I not see what was up front of me?

How you be living in a fog so long and be hit with a 2x4 over the head and not realize what was happening?

Everything I was pathetically begging her for earlier today was right there in 8/21/2007.

I feel such the fool.I use the word fool for not know what the language filters are like here. I have some better words but will refraim from trying.

For the first time in 18 months, I am wearing my wedding ring which I told Zora she lost. I never told her I took them back. If only I made one small gesture like this before Aug 1st when she lost hope. I will not remove it until the day we are no longer married.

How do you get over feeling so foolish? Does it ever happen?

Good luck...Silverwind..

I can feel your pain.
My WW left also with our son and 3 dogs.

I hope one day our love will be restored.

Keep your chin up, we both need to.

Thank you , to you as well. I will pray for your recovery along with mine. I hope you WW can not make the same mistakes I made, and she returns to you before its too late. I pray she never have to sit where I am. And that is broken, I cry myself to sleep which lasts for about 30 min even wiht sleeping pills. I wak up, check both my emails hoping to see her name in my inbox, or an offline message, or something, anything.

I know they say time heals all wounds, but I dont know how I can do this. I dont know if I am strong enouogh.

I also found myself keep looking at the inbox for her e-mails.
No texting at all since she has changed her number and of course I don't have it.

There is nothing I can do right now as far as the A, if that is still going on. I have exposed to everyone, including OM's W.

It is really hard because I am trying to (Get a life). I want to show her that I am not drowning with sadness everyday. I still have to live my life for the people that I care for.

It is so easy to say.....but tough to do.
Of course, I am trying to change and meet her EN if she let me.

I think God gives us these challenges to become a better person, learn from our mistakes, and hopefully not to repeat them again.
Trust me, I have made plenty of mistakes during our marriage.
Now I just want 2nd chance with her.....

Quote from Morrie Schwartz
"Life is series of pulls back and forth like rubber band"
"like a wrestling match"
"which side wins?"
"Love wins, Love always wins".

Its hard to go out get a life when you want them in yours, you dont want to do anythign wihtout them.

During our seperation she healed herself and went out and did things, things we talked about, thing she wanted to do, and I stayed in and drank. Why would she want to come back to me?

This makes no sense cause I was the one sayig no, but I did not do things except go to bars because I wanted to wait for her to do things. I had the oppotrunity to go with her for some of her trips, I choose not to and got mad when she went.

Why? It makes no sense. As Mr. Spock would its illogical.

I hope you are right, god puts these challenges up front of us to overcome. I want what you want, I pray for us both.

I hope love does always win, because that we still have.

Morning update...

After another sleepless night, I got up from lying down and drive home. I went to the Gym and worked out, which was difficult being on virtually no sleep for days, but it felt good. I Canceled my membership on the way out as that is where the OW works out also.

I went to work and took care of a few things that needed to be done since I was out of work the past few days being desperate and making mattters worse.

I called zora and txted that I was in the area and would like to pick up some more stuff. She did not answer right away so I headed to the local parish where I used to attend (not all that often) close to home. I was sitting in the back while a bunch of old ladies were congregating about something up front. Again as every time I sit down to pray in church, I lose it. I started balling my eyes out. The priest came over and we chated for a few min. He offered his assistance in any way possible. He told me to kep my faith in my church, my god, and everything will work out for the best. Zora texted thta I could come over...

After finish up talking to the priest I headed over. I picked one large piece of furntiure that I needed badly. I saked her for a hug and after a short while of convincing her I really needed it she complied. I did need it, I am so alone and afraid I needed that hug so bad. Thank you Zora.

Thats my morning....

Thank you all for listening and offering assistance.

This is good. Be sure that for everything you give up to avoid the OW, you fill that void with something else. Make a commitment to walk, or whatever, during the time you usually work out.

For any of your info that OW knows...change your phone #, cell phone #, personal email, and any other way the OW can contact you.

I can change my cell, but being we work togather my call is published because I am in IT and on call... That will be difficult. I will do it hoping she does not care enough to look it up.

I have already blocked her on all IM's, I have her emails immediatly going into the trash for personal emails. I will look into a way to block them for my personal email so they dont even get delivered but I dont know if I can...

Work email is harder, I will not help her with anything. I will assign it to one of the guys who works for me or my Boss will handle it as I have made him aware of what I doing.

I plan on it. I reside close to the beach at the moment, I enjoy long walks.

I need to drop the weight I put on since the winter / spring when I fell out of the fog and into a deep hole. Considently this when Zora came out of her hole and wanted to recover. Such a fool I am.

One thing is when I put my mind to losing weight, I can do it quickly. I am commited. When you are overweight you are not attractive to yourself let alone anyone else.

Look good feel good. Feel good be good. Be good and good thing will happen. I need to believe in that.

Silver

I have my meeting with the pastor down here again and another confession. I will post an update later tonight. Thats all!

I didn't respond last night because I had too many 2x4s to deliver and not enough caring.

I'm glad I held back.

Today, the advice I gave Zora still stands. You still care too much about YOUR wants and not enough about hers.

You can't make her love you any more than she could make you love her.

Consider this song by Bonnie Raitt as where Zora is now - she's given up the fight and ironically, just as someone else starts showing interest in her after you rejected her and made her feel worthless, now you suddenly want her back? How can she even begin to trust her heart to you that you won't again leave her feeling this worthless?


Now you are feeling this pain, so you have the opportunity to learn the skill of empathy that you lacked a year ago.


Now.

If you've read this far and still want to know what you should be focused on...

Focus on your relationship with God - because you wronged him too and broke His heart. You broke his daughter's heart. Dedicate your life to living right, for Him. Understand that He literally feels your pain. So He is hurting for you and with you now. And He wants to guide you to do what's right.

You have several books to read, study, internalize and work on your character.

You cannot use Zora for your comfort right now - it must come from God. It's not up to Zora to put your broken heart back together. You must consider that she is truly done. Those are treacherous waters for her to navigate - and only pain is what she sees when she looks at you or considers a relationship with you. You made her feel the worst kind of worthlessness and now she's feeling that again. STOP putting her in that position.

So what do you do today?

You dust off that resume. You research other companies in your area that have need for your skills. You write cover letters and customize your resume just for them. You pick up a book that teaches you interviewing skills or sales skills so that you can get that job. Understand that you have God on your side for this move, so if you turn to Him, he will inspire you.

You clean up your home. You write in a journal. And you pray. Get yourself ready to feel those healing feelings that can come only from your Heavenly Father. You listen to music that inspires rather than saddens you. No self-indulgent self-pity. You brought this on yourself, and now it's time to heal. No looking back. No turning to Zora. Find some male friends who will hold you to a higher ethic. That's what you do today! And tomorrow there will be a similar list of things to do. But you only have today to live as your best self - have that kind of a day today.

Ahhh..the Bonnie Raitt song...my theme song when learning of my husband's portrayal..I think he even liked the idea that I was playing it in my car...YUCK...

That was the message HE was giving ME...that he wanted me to HEAR and to BUY...and he didn't love me THEN...it's true...

BUT..TODAY IS A NEW DAY...

I DID NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT!!!

Neither should you, Silverwinds..but you've got to do the RIGHT STUFF...

Listen to Kayla...

I know she cant love me, I still do all the wrong things. I need 2x4's. Throw them my way as much as possible.

I do want her back, more than anything. She told me about the OM 2 days after I wanted her back. I suspected she was starting to get out again, but she was adamite that she was not. I believed her.

I did not want her back because of that, nor the D she was going to file soon as I did not know she was close.

It was the finality of moving out our home that set me off. I had known for months I wanted her back but was too stubborn to admit it or ask for forgiveness and to work it out. It was too hard. I was weak.

I know I have work. Prayer is all I have been doing the past days, More prayer, confessions, and talks with god than in the past 10 years. I know he is listening. I am putting my faith in god and the church. I really am. I am using them for my coucil.

I will try to not use Zora for comfort. I was there for her the past 2 years, every day for the most part. I guess I was just lookig for the same. If its hurting her I will stop. I just have a very hard time not seeing her, making her laugh, seeing her smile. I cant stop crying, ive never cried like this. I am so lost. I cry myself to sleep which never comes. I have a picture of Zora and myself in Xel Ha in Mexico, one of the most perfect days we every had, in 2006. It was perhaps the last perfect day we had. Next to that I have my crucifix my parents gave us for our wedding. I hold it all night long crying.

My faith is all I have holding me togather if you can call what I am togather.

I believe in the Lord. He will watch out for us.


Resume is pretty polished, finished it up last night actually.

I have a few cover letters from collegues and ones that came across my desk that i liked. I have male friends close by, they may be drunks but they are good people. And two others are in town today who are the best you can imagine. They opened their home in Maine to Zora and myself every anniversary for the first few years. We loved it up there.

I look forward to tomorrow's list.


Silver

BUT..TODAY IS A NEW DAY...

I DID NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT!!!

Neither should you, Silverwinds..but you've got to do the RIGHT STUFF..."
---
Thank you for this, I need to learn alot more about the right thing because so far I am striking out. I only pray she bears with me as I grow.

Here's what you don't understand - you weren't a comfort to her for two years. Your presence in the home, UNFAITHFUL mocked her pain rather than comforted her. You were NUMB to her pain. Go back and read her threads for two years if you want to remove that delusion you have about how things went down for the last two years.

I know it was painful. I dont doubt that.

But there ARE times where you just want a hug from the person you love more than anything, regardless of what their present state of mind is.

I know I did this morning. I know its hard on her because it was hard on me when I was in her shoes to give those hugs, but I am glad I did and I would not change that.

Maybe if I had not given her those Hugs, or come over when she was sad, she would have given up alot sooner and not fought as hard as she did. Maybe I would not have ever woken up if those hugs were not there, maybe this could have died without a fight.

She fought for over a year for me. I will fight for her. I will fight with all my demons and demonstrate what is waiting for her should she choose to give marriage a chance down the road. And She has not given up, I honestly dont believe she has. I think she is very confused, and rightly so, and hurt, and angry that I came into this at the last min. She has every right. I can onyl work on me, and do whats right for me. And hurting her ONE ONCE MORE is not right for me. I will not do it. I will make mistake, I made one today with facebook. But I will not repeat them and I will learn from them.

I do think she will file and very soon, but that does not end things. Everything is recoverable. I have faith.

Have you thought about taking anti-depressants? If this is interferring with you going to work, you might consider them.

And you want to come out with the whole truth to your wife about the true nature of your affair. I, for one, have a hard time believing it wasn't a physical affair. Come clean.

SW,

Words, words, words...

Words are worthless right now.

Only ACTIONS will make a difference.

You speak of how much you love her and yet you put her through he// for over a year....

You speak of giving to her for all that time, coming over etc and yet you refused to give her what she needed and wanted from you more than anything else...yourself...

You speak of being lonely and afraid and yet you had a wife who loved you enough to fight for you that you left alone until she couldn't take being alone any more...

You speak of working on yourself and yet your questions are all about how to get her back instead of what to do to fix you and make it up to her for what you did to her...

Time to cowboy up and ride the bull instead of spreading it...

Humble repentance might save your marriage. Ranting and bouncing off the walls won't. Get a grip. K?

You can't tell her you are sorry. You have to show her.

You can't tell her you love her. You have to show her.

You can't tell her you have changed. You have to show her.

You can't tell her you will fight for her. You have to show her.

Words won't win her. Actions might.

If you have a bible, go get it out and read Palm 102:1-12.

Then read Jeremiah 29:11.

Then read Isaiah 57:15-19.

If you don't have a bible go to www.biblegateway.com and look them up. Use a translation that you can understand such as the New International Version or The Message.

Mark