That's a very good point to emphasize Delta and I don't think it's this thread that I said it on but it's why "no contact" can't just be considered an "event"...instead it's a lifelong commitment that must also entail a PLAN to be effective in order to minimize...



For example...even though it's been 9 years and for all practical purposes you KNOW it's not going to rekindle...do you have a plan in place for the unlikely event that your husband runs into her at say, the grocery store or airport?

What's he supposed to do?

The ANSWER - DO NOT SPEAK TO HER. Literally get away from her proximity as fast as reasonably possible and call your BS immediately. Hiding the contact to protect your spouse would be a HUGE mistake....just call and share it and together we'll get through it. ****

You see ANY COMMUNICATION even just a polite "hello...how are you, good to see you, gotta run" carries with it a distrustful glow. The BS wasn't there. They will trigger and regress back to the DDAY and their imaginations will fill in the gaps. The will wonder things like:

1. Did (fww/fwh) say more and they aren't telling me?
2. Did they exchange business cards, emails or new telephone numbers?
3. Was the "contact" arranged?
4. Did they tell me EVERY SINGLE WORD exactly as spoken and in the order spoken (this alone is reason to run away without saying anything because rarely are conversations remembered PRECISELY and any change WILL be noticed by a NOW hyper-focused and aware former Betrayed Spouse)?
5. What non-verbal communication went on (what were they doing with their eyes, did she/her smile, wink or anything, did you check her out, what was she wearing, what were you wearing, did you touch her, did she touch you?

The speculation becomes endless and the "SUFFERING" will be evident.

MOST recovering couples aren't aware of this. Only being here on MB would really make any one aware that "no contact" really goes beyond just ending it and requires a plan. Without a "no contact plan" the tendency of most persons is to be polite. If they don't have a clue they are SUPPOSED to run away...they'll freeze while they consider what their options are and process WHAT TO DO.

If you have a plan in place...processing isn't an option.

RUN AWAY and DON'T SAY ANYTHING. Being rude to the OP is FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR FAR better than causing your spouse to suffer.

Mr. Wondering

***Any any Former Betrayed Spouse whose Former Wayward Spouse calls them immediately to report contact but that they responded according to the plan should be commended and NOT punished. This is practicing extra-ordinary precautions at it's utmost limit. How you respond to your FWS at this moment is CRITICAL to recovery. If the contact was truly accidental and such spouse responded according to your plan then you have absolutely nothing to be upset with him/her about. You MAY trigger a bit having the OP in your proximity and "suffer" a bit with flashbacks of dday but TRY not to take it out on your marital team member that stuck to your marriage's playbook. He/she is the good guy now.

Thanks for that, Mr. Wondering. Excellent points. And yes, my H does have a specific plan in place for both former OW and her husband, which he developed with guidance from Steve Harley.

Some others (in this case my family but in other cases might be coworkers or common friends) will likely not understand the "rudeness" and may think it's unnecessary, but that's only because they don't understand the triggers. They don't understand the suffering even an otherwise "innocent" exchange can cause.

Thanks for posting this, Delta! I agree with you that this reason for nc, the welfare of the BS, tends to be under-emphasized. Thanks for making that point so eloquently.

"However, my H's A started and ended 9 years ago. I learned about it only this year, yet I believe with everything in me that the A would not have started up again. It didn't start up again for 9 years, and there are many reasons why I firmly believe it just would not be rekindled. I could be wrong, but I don't think so."

No you are probably right. However your case is the exception not the rule. The odds are an affair will restart without NC.
Affairs have restarted affair seeing an old flame after 20 years of NC.

Even if one has a case where the affair will not restart with contact, why keep the OP around to rub in the BS's face?

Excellent point!!

Exactly the point that I was making ... and exactly Dr. Harley's #2 reason for NC.

Hello Delta,

As I am in the same situation with my relatives as you are I was wondering if you had any feedback from your relatives after your radio discussion with Dr.Harley?

If so, what he had recommended for those of us dealing with affairs in the family such as mine with my wife and my brother on how to make the family understand why there has to be no contact?

Did you have a chance to visit with your parents about the rapist analogy and what their response was?

I keep getting the "you need to just forgive him (they actually want reconciliation) and I have explained the difference and why can't you tolerate it just for one day of the event"...

I also am curious what he recommended for the one in a lifetime events such as weddings and funerals?

Mrs.Flint and I are doing absolutely great but my father and my brother's children just DO NOT understand WHY we can't all just kiss and makeup.

Thanks.

Jim

Jim, her radio segment is here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/radio_programs.cfm

Do a search for 10/11/2010 and hers is the first 2 segments

Thank you so much Melody!

Jim

The concept of NC for life with a former affair partner seems to be a universal recommendation made by all marriage counselors. In fact, I haven't found anything written by anyone who does not recommend NC for life.

So in addition to Dr. Harley's excellent advice posted on this thread, here's more insight on the reasons for NC:

*****edit******

Just bumping this thread to add that the above quote brings up a good point --
a promise to implement NC is not enough. EPs MUST be followed through on, i.e., changing the conditions which led to the affair AND eliminating temptation to resume the affair/contact wherever possible.

It also brings up the point that until the WS has come out of the fog (maybe even for a period of time after), very close monitoring is necessary until you have ensured that the affair is dead. The addictive nature of affairs is so powerful that a BS has to assume there will be a strong temptation on the part of the WS to resume contact for a period of time. (e.g., if it was an internet affair, key loggers must be installed on computers, etc). Better safe than sorry!

So often this step is skimmed over -- the BS desperately wants to believe the WS will keep their promise of NC -- but the rest of the program will not work if there is any further contact, even one sided contact (this includes looking at momentos from the affair, pictures, looking at the OP's FB page, etc), so it cannot be emphasized enough.

So the next step after reading this thread would be reading HPB's Extraordinary Precautions thread -- really these two go hand in hand, Step 1 of recovering from an affair.

Extraordinary Precautions