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Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 2
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Joined: Oct 2008
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I have been married for over 10 years (got married at a very young age)...anyway...during a point of seperation..I concieved a child. My wife and I were able 2 make it thru for a couple years because we moved out of the state. During this time I had no involvement with the child. I recently got partial custody and now have him for a period of six months. My wife agreed to stick with me. Now that he is in the household...it seems like we are on the verge of divorce daily. I have had him for only a few days and we are up until 3 - 4 am arguing. I love my wife more than anything and often times get frustrated because I believe this is too much for her to deal with when she says she can. I can't imagine how it hurts her to see him...because evry day for me in the household is very uncomfortable. Just wondering if anyone has experience with this type of situation. I am wondering how I can cater to all of my wifes emotional needs without feeling like I am being attacked every time this thing is addressed. I feel it would be easier for her (wife) to let her go...but I love her so much. She is willing to stay in the marriage but I keep "failing" to make her feel most important.

Joined: Jul 2008
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Now that he is in the household...it seems like we are on the verge of divorce daily. I have had him for only a few days and we are up until 3 - 4 am arguing. I love my wife more than anything and often times get frustrated because I believe this is too much for her to deal with when she says she can. I can't imagine how it hurts her to see him...because evry day for me in the household is very uncomfortable

I am going thru something similar with my H . He had an A in which a child was conceived and I am devastated over it. Your quote about your wife and how you believe she feels it right on. She does feel that way and may just be afraid to tell you because she wants to support you but is finding out she can't under the circumstances. It is one thing to think about it and to know that the child exists but a totally different story to live with it.LIving with the child is a constant reminder of the hurt and makes it difficult to let go of the resentment, to forgive and move on with your lives. The child is a constant trigger that can keep the BS off balance and second guessing everything all the time.

I suspect there are some things about the child or the woman the child was conceived with that hurt her to her core and causes her to be very angry about it. Do you have children between the two of you? Do you have a boy child? If not has she always wanted one? Can she have children? You may want to find out why and how she truly feels about it and maybe seek counseling. I also know that she probably thought she was strong enough to deal with it and is finding out that she can't. Everyone has their limits and this is hers and she is just discovering it. It is important for you guys to talk this thru and you need to be very sensitive to her needs emotionally.

I know from my point of view ....the very existence of the OC rocks me to my core for many reasons and I know that the child could never be integrated into my family since we have decided to work it out. For us we have decided not to have any contact at all with the OW or the OC. Especially the OC for some of the reasons you have stated in your post. I know that the child would be treated differently by me unintentionally. I know myself well enough that I would secretly harbor some resentment toward H the OC and that is not fair to subject the OC or H to it siince I decided to work on my marriage for my COM's sake. To much drama to raise kids in. So I know and he knows ( even though he struggles with it) that it is best to keep the OC as far away as possible. Even if he has to pay CS we have agreed that their would be no visitation and even talked about giving up parental rights so that the OW can get married and have someone adopt the child as their own. OC deserves a loving home but we know she will not get what she deserves living under our roof . To much hurt has come from the A and her existence and what her existence means.

Believe me if you guys keep this up the OC will pay the price for it. It is not fair to the child be brought up under those circumstances. The child is innocent just like your wife in all this. You wife may not intentionally cause harm to the child but unintentionally & subsconsciously the child will be treated differently and will grow up feeling different, like something is wrong with them, feeling unaccepted, rejected, not loved, that things are their fault, that they are causing the tension in the home. If you wife can't deal she needs to speak up or you need to get her to speak up. You guys have some hard decisions ahead of you which means she may need to leave the situation via divorce or maybe you need not have any contact with the child for the sake of your marriage. You have to discover what is important to you and what you both can live with. There are no easy answers but you can not continue to raise a child under these circumstances. It will just get worse. Do not put the child thru a life time of repeated rejection. The child may be better off staying with the biological mom and growing up without you. Sure it they will grow up feeling rejected because you were not around but believ me it will cause more harm to the child living with repeated rejection day in and day out and knowing that they are part of the reason for all the tension in the home.

Huge dilemma, no easy choice, no fair choice, no matter what is chosen someone is going to lose out. Putting it off will just make it worse for everyone.

I wish you the best and I am sorry you are faced with this dilemma.



Last edited by shocked1; 10/04/08 10:52 AM.

BS
WH-(to old to know better)
COM- 2 DS (toddlers)
DDay- 4/28/08
OC- NC

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