Good advice Mark.
I need to get a grip myself.
Words mean nothing...I need to show my WW that I am changing.

Patient....grasshopper.

I did admit my affair to my wife, yesterday and today again.

What I found out today was that she has also had an affair. With our mutual friend, the guy I called on to make sure she was ok during the time I was away from home. The guy that invited me to red sox games lat month. I could not go he took her instead, I suspect that is when it started.

I confronted her, with love saying we can work through this. We both made serious mistakes but we can move past.AAgainst the little I know, i did get angry when she would not even talk to me. I had to threaten to tell her parents about it to get her to take a short walk.

She asked if she was in the fog in her thread, well Hearing her words and they were almost exactly the words out of my mouth 1 year ago, I dont know she cannot be in a fog. She neglected to mention that detail in her request for advice about a fog...

He gets her, they like each other, he was there for her... They have fun, they laugh... Its like I was watching a movie of my affair.

I know I wasn;t there for her, nor her for me during mine, I understand the reasons for the affairs... Hers and Mine. They are not insurmountable.

They are identical. Neglect and not meeting the EN's of the other spouse.

I tried one last time to paint a picture of how good things can be but she is happy now with the OM my former friend. She actually said she wont work on it for many reasons one of which is giving him up.

Sounds JUST like I did a year ago.

I gave mine up yesterday. There has been no attempt at contact thus far.

I dont know what to do now. I suppose I should give up, I will sign the papers on Monday she draws up. I have no choice.

I still think we can work thoguh this, we both have issues, I cant help but think in her fog she has forgotten what she learned here. She said she probably wont post here again. I wish she would.

I love her and know we can make it. I know I have work to do on my own and that happens regardless. I will not repeat my mistakes OR hers.

I asked her to come home to me tonight, and give me a hug and say we can do this. I have no hope of this happening.

Silver

You are all over the place. First you were going to fight for your marriage, now you are going to sign the papers and give up.

Got get some counseling and get on some anti-D's. You are going to have to settle down and have a plan.

Are you saying you just ended your affair YESTERDAY?

No, she wants the papers. I DO NOT.

I want to save this marriage. NOT a question.

I agreed to sign the papers because its what SHE wants.

No, it ended months ago. I still was in contact, chit chat like I said. NC started yesterday

I found out about her affair today and what she is saying makes sense to me now, because its like watching me last year. Its like instant replay. Almost identical words being used. Identical lies being told.

I have to run to Mass now and my meeting. I am glad I had that scheduled too, thats for dam sure.

Advice anyone now that my wife is an a Sexual Affair?

I know what I have to do fo myself:
# 1 Leave WD alone at this point, there is no more I can do now.
# 2-1000
Pray
Read
Learn
Pray
Show with actions
Pray
Read
Learn
show with actions

-
I will no long be contacting my WS at all. I will be there tomorrow when she is having a crew race, or whatever.

I will collect the rest of my belongings and then I am out.

I will fix myself and pray for myself, Pray for My Wife, and Pray for us.

Silver

Me: 31
Her: 33
Married 6/2002
Status : Seperated, Wife wants D and is still seeing the OM
Togather: 13 years, seperated 15 months.

So she is in a sexual affair after one date?

She admitted to having Sex with the mutual friend who I talked to frequently and asked him to make sure she was ok.

I don't know how long its been going on, she says a few weeks but I really dont know.

We have known him for years and years. He was at our wedding.

She relied on him for support during the seperation and things grew from there apparantly.

I could not believe what she was saying though, I really wish I she has tape recorded me saying those things last year. It was scary. Right down to the he understands me, he gets me.

I though for a moment she was going to agree to see a councelor or prise but said you will probably make me stop talking to him now. I said Yes.

Call me crazy, and I most certainly am, but it seems she forgot everything she learned here over the past year and a half.

Am I wrong to think that? I know I messed up, we both did. Neglect led to both AF's and her EA initially.

What mistake did you make on Facebook?

I posted a few comments, humorous. Nohting bad. She just thought I was bothering her too much and needs to leave h er alone.

I set up my profile and entered married to xxx

That apparantly leaves a posting on her board that says Silverwind is married to...

She lists herself as single. I removed it per her request.

For now, you do need to leave her alone. You need to stop asking for anything from her. She is not willing to give you anything right now, and the more you ask the more you set her against you.

Plan A/Plan B is what the response is to a WS, whether the A is emotional or physical. But for you, I think you need to wait a bit, how long depends on you. You are not strong enough, and not de-fogged enough yourself, to be able to do a true Plan A.

Plan A is about you only giving, and asking nothing. You aren't there yet.

With how much hurt you have caused her, she may not ever be willing to let you Plan A her. If that happens, your next opportunity would be when her affair ends. But that CANNOT be your goal.

Your goal has to be fixing you. You don't have to do it alone - God is there too, but you do need to do it without Zora.

Do you have any friends that aren't drunk? Maybe you need to use some of this time to get new friends.

Yes, there are a few. Most of them drink though, but one in particular is very good for me. He has been involved from the earliest onset of problems.

He is recently D but he is very good to talk to.

I have good friends, not the ones Zora complained about in her posts, but I have a good core. They care about me, even the three I blew off today who were up from CT to go to a Ren Faire that Zora and I went to every year. I just did not want to be there without her. I need to reconnect with some that are somewhat local, like my best friend since kindergraden we have grown apart since my seperation as I withdrew and didnot see many people or return calls.

Instead I worked out,walked the beach for 2 hours, went to church (althout talked to priest and never made mass)that will be tomorrow. Moved two loads of my stuff including my bed so hopefully this will be the first night I can sleep in a while, I hope because I am drained. Physically, emotionally, in every way possible.

She wont let me Plan A her, I know that. She made that very clear. I will pray Her A will end and that I am ready for this struggle.

I am stubborn, Ive said that before. That is why I am here. But that also means I am commited. I wont give up until I make myself right.

I know I need to get out and do things, but I am not ready for that. I think I will spend the next month really improving myself physically, spending time with the dogs who I will be keeping and making sure they are ok. They will have to adjust to much less human contact due to my distance from work.. And also I finished setting up my bathroom. One room a day I will try to arrange, meaning hang stuff etc.. Then on to finding all the new furn I need as I let Zora keep just about everything. Ill keep busy.


Oh yeah, and finding a new job away from the OW.

It will be a busy month.

I will be OK.

Well, I am heading over to a friends to watch some tv since I dont have mine yet and have really been out of it as you all know and I need to get out more.

Its been a hell weekend but its over. Sunday is the start of a new week, a new chaper in my life.

I had positive and negative this weekend.

Positive:
Made peace with god on some of my major transgressions
Made Peace with my mother and father in law
Started NC with OW who by my own fault ruined my marriage
Informed Boss I was going to be leaving soon, he understands.
Started councling with my parish priest.
Know I need to change, have love busters, his needs her needs, and surviving an affair on order. (any suggestions on reading order?)
Started getting my house in order. 1 room at time
Moved more of my things
Admitted my affair, I did not ever mean for that to happen. It just got so bad at home that this person was everything I was looking for at the time.

Negatives:
Drove My wife farther away from me by begging and trying too hard
Got the /slap for many things here and will get more, i guess this is a positive
Found out Wife is having an Affair with a close friend of ours I trusted to look after her and plans to continue.
Found out there is not a dam thing I can do about it except make it worse which I did
Not slept in 4 days, tonight hopefully will be the night.
Not eaten much except bananas in 4 days, have no appetite and its not healthy
Will not be able to see my wife at all per her request. This will be very very hard but I will do it.


Thank you all for your slaps, encouragement, advice, and prayers.

I need it all badly.