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How do we handle attempted contact by the FOW???? I know what I'd like to do.....track down her skanky A$$ down and plant my foot in it.... 
Background....H had an EA with a coworker, DDAY 1 was 4/13. DDAy 2 was 8/8 after H made contact with her at work after a very emotional night before.
NC Letter written by H, approved by me, on 8/15 while H was still working with FOW. She quit(true NC since 9/4)2 weeks later and H has not had any contact with her since. He's been VERY open and honesty and very transparent, Ive also been checking up to make sure.
This past Wednesday (my H was off Wed and Thurs and was not in the office), the FOW called the office and asked to speak to my H.
The person that answered the phone at his office, knows about the EA and is a friend to our marriage, so she told the FOW that she did not need to talk to my H, that he did not have the info that FOW was asking about (the BS reason FOW used for talking to my H) that my H would not have that info, that FOW needed to talk to another person. The girl at my H's office again told FOW that FOW DID NOT NEED to talk to my H.
The conversation with girl at the office and FOW ended with FOW saying to have my H call her.
WHen my H got back to work on Friday (yesterday) the girl at the office todl my H about the call from the FOW. My H called me and took me to lunch and told me everything about the call.
What should we do?? I know that FOW is not going to let this go. She does not see anything wrong with her 'Just Friends' relationship with my H, that she did nothing wrong...... 
This woman needs a 2x4 up side her head and I'd love to be the one to give it to her.... :twobyfour: :twobyfour:
I have NO DOUBT that the sleazy HO WILL continue to try to make contact because, since the NC letter was written while they were still working together, I think that she thinks that since she is no longer working at the same company that they can now have contact.
Do we just wait until she does contact him, all the while hoping that she gets a brain or morals and never does Or should my H send her yet another NC letter, prior to any actual contact instead of just attempted contact, maybe this time certified to her home address.... asking her what part of NO CONTACT DOES SHE NOT UNDERSTAND ???? Neither my H nor I want him to contact her but am not sure what to do.
We do not see our MC until next Friday and do not want to wait until then. HELP....what great advise do you guys have?? What should we do??? 
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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Since he was still in contact with her AFTER his NC letter, how about sending her another one? Use the template from SAA:
[from SAA, pg 58]
OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
I would send that to her house. And Jojo, if she is married, you might want to call her H and let him know she is trying to reach your H. Your H's coworkers did a great job!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ignore her completely. If your FWH does get put thru to her, he simply hangs up. Silence speaks volumes. Kudos to him for letting you know of her attempts. If a conversation is forced, he will tell her that she is yesterdays news and that you know about all attempts that she has made to contact him. She will feel "betrayed" at that point. GF
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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Mel...that's the the template that we used for the 1st NC letter.
NC was established on 8/15 even though they were still employed by the same company. We were on vacation from 8/16 until 8/24 and she was gone the following week which he did not see her during that time.
Would you not consider that NC?
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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jojo, if thats the case, I would just IGNORE it. If she is married, you might want to call her H and let him know she is harrassing your H and if she doesn't stop, you will look into a restraining order.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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GF....My H and I flip between thinking that ignoring her is the way to handle it and thinking that he needs to send another NC letter.
Part of me feels that she will not heed the 2nd NC letter any better than she did the 1st and will continue to look for reasons to contact him and will evenually get through to him. We talked about what should happen if she does get through to him. My H and I do not think that just hanging up on her is the answer but something along the lines of:
"WHAT PART OF NO CONTACT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?? NO CONTACT MEANS NO CONTACT. NOT NOW, NOW EVER!! DO NOT EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN FOR ANY REASON" then hang up on her before she can say anything.
My H is working VERY hard to regain my trust and he desperately wants forgiveness. He does not keep anything from me, even just when her name is mentioned to him by someone at work he tells me.
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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He can report her to the phone co. for harassment or to the security department of his job since he asked her not to contact him...let the receptionist know that she is a STALKER who is harassing him...I think it's best to GET TOUGH with her. She will not give up otherwise.
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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His office does not have a receptionist but the girl that answers the phone most of the time, only because no one else will answer it, knows about the EA, the damage that it has done in our marriage and that my H has told the FOW there is to be NC. I truly believe that it's not going to end until FOW gets in touch with my H and he rips her a new one I believe that she thinks that he still wants to talk to her and only sent her the NC letter because I made him do it which is so far from the truth. The NC was done because my H wants our marriage to recover and whats the FOW out of our lives.
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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Agree with Mimi, if she persists, take the law to her! GF
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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Read my history - back to my first post on this board if you can find it - My husband had an EA with a woman who was RELENTLESS for two years, even showing up on my doorstep (had her husband knock while she waited in the van with her disabled daughter) knowing that I work full time and my husband would likely be home where I wouldn't interfere again...
Kasey stuck to no contact - told her husband that he couldn't visit and closed the door on him. She stalked him to his 12 step recovery internet boards with new names where she could keep tabs on him and have some kind of interaction with him before he caught on to who she was. Several times pulled this stunt. The last time I wrote a letter to her minister, printed out copies of her threads to send along, then sent her one last e-mail telling her that there would be no contact until we met at the judgment bar in heaven (she used religious abuse to try to break me down into allowing contact again - talking about forgiveness and reconciliation for our families - which would have been possible in the very beginning of the crisis had she really wanted to be MY friend, but she only wanted to have contact with Kasey and I threw the circuit breaker on that one. She hates me to this day, I'm guessing. Don't know - I quit the discussion board where I had been a moderator because she was there and refused to leave. I don't read there, don't log in there. Never again.
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Lawdy, Kaya, you had a Gen-u-ine stalker on yo hands!! GF
Marriages don't fail, people do.
(And I don't recall who said it)
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Since FOW was always on her best behavior with my H he really did not have any insight into her true charactor until after NC was established. Needless to say he sees it now, along with a lot of other things. The last fre months have been a huge eye opener for him.
He has been told by others in his office that the FOW thrives on DRAMA. and that her favorite line is, "It's all about me". which she believes......:crosseyedcrazy:
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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Sounds to me like you don't need another NC letter, per se.
First and most importantly, NOTHING WHATSOEVER FROM YOUR H TO HER!!! Even if you send a warning of legal action, that IMO should be dealt with by you, on behalf of both of you.
Change everything - phone #'s, email, passwords, everything. Maybe it wouldn't all be necessary, but why take the chance? Believe me, it's difficult going through this process the slow way. Far better to do it all at the beginning, if you haven't already.
Standing ovation to your H's work people! Without that support, he almost cetainly would have had to quit that job in order to be rid of his leech.
If she ever does get ahold of your FWH, the LAST LAST LAST thing he should do is rip her a new one. No talking to her at all, except perhaps to say (the first time), and very sternly, "Don't contact me ever again." Then hang up without waiting and not another word.
Any further calls after that he should hang up without saying anything at all. And of course he will keep letting you know any time this happens, at which point you will send the certified letter letting her know you will report her to the police for stalking if she tries it again.
These recommendations are for the very very beginning only. After that, she should get zero reaction from either of you. No acknowledgment, no nuthin. Just call the police and report her.
Hopefully she will quickly lose interest and go away. Some do, some don't. Most of our OW's many C attempts were of a nature where we knew it was her but couldn't prove any stalking. You just never know.
Be prepared for anything, then you won't be caught off guard if problems continue for a while, and you'll be happily surprised if they don't.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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I truly believe that it's not going to end until FOW gets in touch with my H and he rips her a new one
I believe that she thinks that he still wants to talk to her and only sent her the NC letter because I made him do it which is so far from the truth.
The NC was done because my H wants our marriage to recover and whats the FOW out of our lives. Jo: I went through more than one FALSE RECOVERY and a large part of it was due to the OW's relentless pursuit of contact with my H. I was warned that it would happen by Steve Harley. It's an ADDICTION like alcoholism and just takes ONE SIP..even though your H knows and feels that he does not want to talk to her or to be with her. You should do all that is possible for there to be ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT between him and her EVER AGAIN..EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS... Agree with Neak...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Thanks Neak.... There is no changing the cell# or the email address as they are both for work. I do have his passwords for all, including his V/M, and I have a key logger on his laptop and also police and check up on him and he has been very open, honest and transparent I hope that the skank will not try to contact him again but I want us both to be prepared for it if she does. Neither my H nor I want to be caught off guard if she calls him again and actually gets through to him. She knows his cell # so I'm not really sure why she called the office # to begin with. Maybe she thinks I'm monitoring his cell....which I am, but even if I wasn't, he'd tell me I want him to be prepared to answer the phone when she calls again, 'cause I know she will.... "Hello this is H" and to hear her say "Hey this is OW". He and I want him to know what he should say to her. He himself, during a discussion this morning said that he should either just hang up on her or say "What part of NO CONTACT did you not understand" then hang up on her....  I told H that I wanted to run the situation past you guys here on MB since we don't see the MC until next Friday. You guys are the best and have given me great strength.... 
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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A couple of thoughts.
If his work is so accomodating, it is worth asking if he can switch his work contact info. They could easily give him a new email, and if he offered to pay for any cost of changing his work cell, they would probably be willing to work with him.
Even though it would be very satisfying for him to say something like "What part of no contact don't you understand?" I think it's too much of a reaction. Also, it asks a question, which alone begs an answer even if he hangs up immediately.
IMO, far better is a short, direct command. "Do not contact me again." No emotion, no drama for her to feed off of.
And, if there is ANY WAY AT ALL for him to avoid answering, he should. If he sees it's her, he needs to let it go straight to his voice mail and have you deal with it for him.
The only way he should even say as much as what I recommended above, is if he is totally ambushed; no way at all to know it was her that was calling him. Anything else is playing with fire.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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mimi... I truly believe that he DOES NOT want any contact with her, nor will he. I can tell, due to things that OW has done and said in the last few months while they were still employed by the same company, that the way he views her has changed. He used to, as recently as mid-summer, still look at her as his 'friend'. That she just wanted to help him and wanted our marriage to work....blah blah blah  what a joke!!! 'Friends' don't help you destroy your marriage!!! Well, she's showed her true, she's far from his friend, colors. It took him a while but he has finally come around and now sees her for what she is. SCUM.....that only cares about herself and what she wants. That she doesn't now, nor has she ever cared about our marriage....
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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GF - Ya durn right - but she told me that God told her to keep calling him...
Funny thing - God told us through our minister to cut her off cold and to never have contact with her again!
So I told her in that final email that since God had told her and us opposite things we'd just have to settle it when HE could be present to set one of us straight. Until then, NO CONTACT!
Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1 The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"? The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!" If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I know my state has harassment and stalking laws that OW would be violating if she continued to call after being told not to. That may be an option.
Last edited by CrushedJim; 10/05/08 12:01 AM. Reason: typo, I should be in bed at 1am
Change the changeable, accept the unchangeable and remove yourself from the unacceptable.
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Neak... No chance of getting the email or cell changed. My husband used to work for a small company until April when it was bought out by a global company. Therefore everyone's email is the same...John.Q.Public@company.com and as for the cell...I doubt that they will change that since it is on everything from company directories to his business cards. I'm sitting here with My H now, and have discussed with him everything that you and everyone has had to say. He DOES NOT want to talk to her and thinks that taking the first advice about hanging up on her as soon as he knows it's her is the way to go. WORKS FOR ME!!! I'll check in with you guys in the morning...it's 1AM here in Virginia and I'm 'bout ready to drop.... 
Me46 FWH42 Married 19 yrs EA 4/07 - 4/08 (Confirmed by polygraph that it had not gone PA) Dday1 4/13/08 Dday2 8/8/08 S26 S16 D10 Trying to Recover
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