Well, I will have to just disagree and stop going back and forth.

I should have done what you say, if I did we would not be here.
I have ended contact, Im sorry you dont agree. I used your letter, because its only been 2 days does not mean I have not ended contact. They have been no attempts. I will not utter 1 word to her again, not a single one except possibly "Please respect my wishes and leave me alone" and that is only a last resort. I will have NO contact. Period.

Having concern and the balls to tell youe wife the truth and repent and grab what is up front of you dont go hand in hand.


That is not Bullcrap.

But enough, this is not productive. One of my issues is learning when to stop.

Well, its a few posts past that point.

Goodnight Melody

Thank you.

You want to be given a benefit of the doubt that you have NOT EARNED. Just saying you were wrong means nothing. Just saying you will quit your job and end contact with the OW means nothing. ALL TALK. ALL EMPTY TALK. M..E..A..N..S N..O..T..H..I..N..G..

You cannot change the past, but you can the future. AND THAT HAS NOT HAPPENED. Nothing has changed.

Just saying that you are concerned when your ACTIONS indicate the opposite is bullcrap. It is DISHONEST.

Do you understand what CONTACT means? Of course I don't agree, because IT IS NOT TRUE. You have not ended contact if you still work with her and will see her at work on Monday.

What she said....

I hear you though. but I have done ALL I can do up to this point.

You are right, I have not shown anything yet.. But I can't do more for NC than I have done.

Told her over IM for NC
Sent your letter for NC
Talked to boss and he will deal with any Computer issues she has
Will walk the other way if I see her comming


I have done all I cant right here right now.

Im sorry if that does not NC to you but to me it means as much as is possible at present. Unless I act irrationally, that is the most I can do.

If you know something else, I am listening and I will do it. I cant think of anything else.

It is a good START, but that is all it is. So far, just TALK. EMPTY TALK so far. Not a demonstration of "concern." Not a demonstration of recovery. And certainly not an entitlement to make demands of the wife you dumped on the grounds that you are "concerned."

And no, you have not ended contact if you still work with her.

For a marriage to work, there must be trust.

An affair destroys that trust therefore it destroys the marriage.

If my FWW were still in contact of any kind with OM, there is no doubt I would divorce.

To rebuild the marriage, trust must be rebuilt.

Guilty until proven innocent. That's the price to be paid.

I would not want to be looking over my shoulder wondering if FWW and OM were texting, chatting, using secret email accounts, etc. I told FWW it was not my responsibility to keep her from having an A - that was her job.

I can find a lot better uses of my time than trying to prove to myself that FWW is innocent.

Hands down I would divorce in your situation.

No you haven't ended contact.

NO CONTACT means just that. NO CONTACT....it does not mean no unneccessary contact that is not work related. It means NO CONTACT EVER, for any reason. It means you DO NOT continue to work with the OP, it means that you quit NOW, no if's and's or but's and that you put your spouse and your marriage first.

It means NEVER EVER have any CONTACT for ANY REASON. It means that you are willing and will do what is nessecary to restore your marriage and regain your spouses trust.

Been there, done that. My H also worked with the OW. Every day is torture when, as the BS, I knew that my H was seeing the person that had been helping him destroy our marriage while they were having their EA. The person that did not give a rats a$$ about our marriage nor does she now. The person that had helped him hurt me more than anyone ever could. The person that was also responsible for my pain. .....

p.s. TALKING about making changes is not the same as MAKING CHANGES. True repentance is demonstrated by ACTION, not talk.

And true remorse is demonstrated with a contrite heart and by taking responsibility, NOT IN BLAMESHIFTING and rationalizing and entitlement.

SW, I am just shaking my head here. You've gotten great advice for a plan if you only stick to it.

Leave if you want to, but I hope that if you go through with quitting your job, establish real NC, and begin to defog, that you'll be willing to come back again when you're ready to just work on you.

After seeing the fog machine going full blast, I'm thinking I may have been wrong in advising you to give your 2 wks notice rather than quit. After as many months as it's been, it didn't seem like 2 weeks would make a big difference as long as you followed through and quit. I stand corrected.

Not that I'm saying you must quit immediately - your timeline is all up to you. But every day you're there will make a difference to you. Not a good difference, either.

I'm not run out of hope yet, but no one is going to be able to help you till the aerial condensation clears a bit.

Talk: I love her - I always did, my pride just got in the way.

Walk: I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself and trying to correct her behavior or point out what she's doing is wrong. I have so much to work on for myself. I've put through a call to Steve Harley's office so I can get to work on myself.

Talk: ya'all tell me to quit my job, don't quit my job, no contact - but I have responsibilities, bills.

Walk: I'm headed to workforce services on Monday - I've circulated my resume thru Monster.com and I will have another job lined up by Tuesday, at which point, I'm going to give two weeks notice, and use up all my vacation time/sick leave for that two weeks. If they won't let me have it, I'm going to insist on reassignment so that I never run into OW by accident.

Talk: it was just an EA - hers was a PA!

Walk: - you read this right. much more than an EA. Otherwise I'd have never left Zora alone so much over the last two years, being cold and distant to her. I'm not going to use Zora as my confessional. I gotta get right with God and I'm going to study up, work on my low self-esteem that seems to drive me to need somebody else to validate my worth and put myself into self-destructive paths - watching for that email back from Steve Harley - can't wait for Monday. But since I have 36 hours to go before I'll likely hear from him, I'm stocked up with Surviving an Affair, His Needs Her Needs, Lovebusters, Give and Take, and I'm filling out all the surveys I can find on this web site, as well as going to church.

Talk: I just drink on occasion, and my friends are good friends, even if they get drunk once in a while.

Walk: Here I go, through the door of the AA meeting. Gotta find myself some clean and sober friends to support me through this massive change I'm working through on myself, starting with a sponsor like Melody Lane and Queenie who will not let me BS or bully my way out of accountability.

Got the difference?

Got the clear picture of why we're not buying what you're selling?

Actually I think that it is a colloidal suspension.

I know that it's difficult to focus on your own issues when you see something in your W's behavior that is a major concern to you. I don't fault you for mentioning it to those who you thought could help her.....but I do fault you for repeatedly saying it--and in a way that made it appear that you were trying to control the outcome--instead of going back to your own work.

A "trick" that helped me with this same issue is that whenever I had a lapse (lapse = time, effort, energy spent pointing out his behavior and trying to get him to fix his stuff instead of focusing on my own stuff), I would require myself to refrain from saying anything at all about his behavior until I had spent at least twice the amount of time on my own stuff than I had on his stuff during the lapse.

So, what I am suggesting is that you count how many pages were spent on "issues other than your own" on this thread and then spend twice as many pages on your own issues before allowing yourself to again post anything about her. I found it to be difficult to do in the beginning, but it works. And I learned a lot about myself by noting the circumstances that preceded a lapse.


I also want to mention to you that some alcoholics are binge drinkers and that can make it harder to recognize their disease...and harder to recognize that when they seem to be doing well between binges that they are actually still suffering from their disease. Some of what you wrote made me wonder if you might fall into that category. My advice is to make an appointment with a drug/alcohol assessment counselor for an evaluation so that you can make fully informed decisions about what you want and are willing to do about your life.

Take care

I am going to start a new thread to focus just on me, im sure I will screw up, but today was a step so I want to change the theme of my thread from now on

I stand corrected.

When did your brother, the physicist, start posting? :MrEEk: