I admire you for this so much, you have no idea.

I don't know if I am stupid or what, but I am obviously the one waiting. At least today.

Giorgos,

I hope you are right!

I do know of one affair M that has so far lasted 27 years. She's 50, he's 70. He already had kids, but had 2 more with her.

Thinking maybe ExH got M to start a family.

That would be hard for me. I so wanted more kids and he told me no more, he was getting too old.

Bet he'd do it to keep her though!

And I hope you can eventually reach the point where you no longer care one way or the other.

I'm not there yet, and after all this time, I think I should be.

I thought I was doing pretty well, then he threw this at me.

I don't know if I will ever get over him, and I know that's sad!

I didn't say anything about getting over anyone. He was a huge part of your life. You can't simply forget that.

What I meant was that I hope you can reach the point where your happiness no longer depends on other peoples' actions.

WH chose to remove himself from your life. You have to choose how to deal with that and all the choices you will make going forward.

Think of it another way. WH or any other human being - if we secretly rejoice in their misery (assuming the affairage fails), what does that ultimately say about us as individuals? For one thing it means we haven't healed.

I do want this M to fail and I will rejoice if it ever does. I want him to feel the pain that I have felt for 3 years now.

I want to heal. I'm in IC. I guess my ego just keeps getting battered by him and knowing that he got what he wanted, and ruined me and my kids lives, I guess I just can't get over that.

Cat,

I don't think we ever just "get over it." With time, hopefully the pain isn't as severe as it once was.

Are you dating?

You could always become the x-W from he11 and make their lives miserable.

Just work on being the best person that you can be and life will unfold. My bet is that once you let it go, things will begin to happen that you never thought possible. Right now, you aren't letting those things behind the brick wall you have put up.

Cat,

It's an affairage. Odds are it will fail.

My dad cheated on my mom with several women. He had one "main" woman in the mix and ended up marrying her.

He ended up cheating on her and it's now over and he's on his third marriage.

He's not happy.

The OW is much younger than him, which will take it's toll in time.

Best thing for you to do is to find a way to move on. I know it's easier said than done, but try with the help of your IC.

Thinking about him failing controls you. Accepting that you have no say or influence in his life is liberating.

cat, take comfort in the knowledge they will never truly be happy. There will always be the question of if/when the other will cheat again. There will always be the guilt in the background of their R. You will live a righteous life and they will answer to God at the end.

FWIW, my mother and her OM have been M'd over 30 years. I don't think my mom was ever happy. Her H worked hard to provide financially for her, which is what she was seeking. However, the price of that lifestyle was a very controlling man that never let her out of his sight for a moment. My mom now has Alzheimers and her H cannot figure out why her children are NOT helping him. Hmmm, he spent 30 years alienating us and now he pays the piper.

It will probably fail.

More than likley it will fail at about the same time that you get to the point that you no longer care.

She will probably leave him for a younger model. And he will probably try and reconnect with you. And you will be at a point where you wouldn't take him back if he was the last man on earth.

I guess I don't bank on the odds anymore. Odds are that A's end too, and my ExH's didn't.

I'm sure his wife understands the age difference by now. They've been living together almost 3 years. I'm sure she understands me, the ex wife from he## will be in the picture and he has to pay me alimony/child support, $$ that could have gone to her lavish lifestyle, but I guess she is overlooking all of that. I really would think reality would have set in by now after being together day in and day out for 3 years. I think the fantasy bubble should have burst long ago!

They say once the day to day cr@p starts, bill paying etc. that's when reality sets in and the A fizzles. Well, I imagine it has set in after 3 years, and they are in it for the long haul.

Even if they are not happy, I doubt one or the other would ever leave. They would have to acknowlege to others that they failed, and they will never do that. At least my ExH won't. His pride won't let him.

As I said, he has yet to admit to me that he ever had an A! They were just "roomies" according to him.

He##, he hasn't even told my DS yet, and I just found out they've been married several months already.

I guess I always wanted that chance to have him come back and then I would be in the driver's seat to say if I wanted him back or not.

When he left me, I wasn't in the driver's seat, I had no choice. It wasn't what *I* wanted, but it was what *he* wanted.

I know I have to get a grip and look at reality. There's not a darn thing I can do about it. They are M'd and that's it.

It's just hard for me to accept the fact that I'm the one who's trying to do everything right, raising my kid morally correct etc. and he's the one that did everything wrong by having the A, and he gets the reward, or at least waht he wanted, in the end!

Sometimes I truly think it pays to not do good.

Just read an article about John McCain. I knew his wife was younger than him, but it said she was 17 years younger (like my ExH's) and he had an affair with her while married to his first wife.

They've now been M'd 30 years!

Another one in the 3%!

Sorry but I begin to wonder when I hear statistics about A's ending in 2 years and 75% of affair M's ending in 5.

Figures, my ExH had to be one of them that didn't follow the statisitcs!

No hun, he gets no "reward" in eternity. Don't you see? He may have his "reward" here on earth but he won't in heaven. As long as he is married to her, he will be an unrepentent sinner. Believe everyone when they say this will not be a happy union even if it ends up being a long one.

Yeah I just actaully talked to to my pastor and was telling him how happy ExH was. And he said "yeah he might be happy now...what about later?"

I do believe in heaven but I guess I am more into the here and now. Not looking ahead so to speak. I really don't care if he's not happy later, I don't want him to be happy now!

Sorry if that sounds werid, but that's how I feel!

I don't buy the 3% stat. I have seen too many affairs wind up as marriages that have lasted for years. That appears to be the experience of others here as well.

I would love to see where these stats coms from.

Just throwing this out there...

Why do you think ExH hasn't told my DS about his M after all these months?

He said he didn't think he needed to know right now cuz he didn't want to change the relationship he has with him. (he really doesn't have much of a relationship anyway)

He##, he never even told me! I happened to find out through the grapevine!

I think DS should have been told before the M evne happened.

What will DS think now when he is told months later?

I dunno. Guess I think of it differently

medc,

I hear ya!

I pray that my ExH's won't last, but I think he will do everything in his power to make it last, just to prove to everyone that he could.

Staying in an unhappy marriage because of pride doesn't sound like a reward to me. Whether your ex is happy or not, you can only control your own happiness. Perhaps if you start enjoying all the blessings in your life you will be too happy and content to give a crap what exH's marriage is like.

His marriage to OW is nothing to celebrate? If your son doesn't like OW, exH will hide his M just like he hid his A. OW is still his dirty secret.

DS is a very private kid. I asked him once how he felt about OW (ExH has him sleep over there occasionally, they go out like one big happy family...) and he just shrugged. He won't tell me one way or another if he likes her or not.

Even IC couldn't get him to open up.