I need some help to be prepared for a conversation I need to have with my H. I failed miserably when I brought the subject up today and want to be much better prepared next time or maybe someone could just tell me it's not as big of a deal as I feel it is right now and I will just drop it.

I sort of feel like I am talking about him in front of his face since he does occasionally read here. I think I am pretty safe talking about him now because he usually doesn't read unless I ask him to check something out. I should also add I know his decision has nothing to do with my A.

You see Docp does not wear his wedding ring and lately it is really bothering me. I should be use to it because for almost all of our marriage he has not worn a ring at all. Right after d-day we bought new bands, he wore his for a short time and has gone back to not wearing it.

Lately I've been thinking about the significance of a wedding ring and today I asked him why he doesn't wear his ring. He said he is not a "ring wearing kind of guy". I then asked what he thought the significance of a ring was to our marriage and he said to him it means absolutely nothing.

OK, I know POJA is what we need, but also know he is not on board with most of the MB principle so I'm probably better off to just figure out the best way to present how I feel. He is generally very accommodating to what I want and he will start to wear his ring for no other reason than to pacify me. I don't want that. What I would like is to show him the significance and have him want to wear it.

Any ideas of what I could say to him would be greatly appreciated. I am also wondering if I am simply being too sensitive or do I have a valid reason to be upset?

LC

I know someone who doesn't wear a ring and never has. He doesn't wear any kind of jewelry, though.

I wouldn't know where to begin to help you with that!! Just wanted to throw that in.

I'm sure someone has a suggestion that will be a good solution for you and your H.

Take care,

Charlotte

My first thought would be to just tell your husband, "I would love it if you would wear your wedding ring". When he does wear it you can reinforce that with, "I love it when you wear your wedding ring". Simple honest statements.

If he asks you why, you can honestly answer, "because it makes you feel safe and loved".

Keep it simple and be honest.

I've been married 15 years and I hardly ever wear my rings. Mostly its because I am allergic to gold, and partly becasue of my job.

We have looked at getting silver rings made because I am not allergic to that metal but it just seems wrong. We thought about getting plantinum ones but we don't know if I will be allergic to that and it's kind of an expensive experiment.

So the 'compromise' is that I wear them if we go out, when I go to town, on special events...that sort of thing..
On occasion I wear them on a chain around my neck.

Would that be acceptable for you?

Are you alergic to shopping and diamonds as well? You just could be the perfect woman.

Not allergic but...
I don't really like either. I like rubies and sapphires, and my shopping tolerance is limited to about an hour a fortnight. This includes food shopping.

Thanks for the replies.

tst,

I have said something similar in the past and will do it again when I bring it up after he gets back from out of town.

Lildoggie,

He hates to wear his ring to work because of all the glove changes. (he is an ER doc). I get that and am OK with it. I really just wish he would wear it at other times. IOW, when we go out, when he is out of town. etc, etc. (I have told him this, so he is aware)

This is something that has bothered me for before, but I never said anything to him prior to my A. My perception of it use to be that he didn't really take our marriage seriously. Of course my perception was wrong. Now I know better.

When we bought new rings after d-day I told him how excited I was that he was willing to finally wear a ring and have told him many times how it makes me feel when he does wear it. He wore it for a few months then that was it.

He is allergic to gold, so we bought a titanium ring. Titanium cannot be re-sized and it is a little big since he has lost weight. I mentioned to him a few days ago that I noticed he hasn't worn his ring in a really long time and suggested we buy him another one that fit better so he will wear it. His reply was "Why bother, I am not going to wear it anyway."

His words stung quite a bit because I know he is completely aware of how it make me feel and it was at that point I knew we needed to talk about it again (for the umpteenth time), which is why I brought it up the other day.

I really didn't expect him to tell me he was not a "ring wearing kind of guy", he wasn't going to wear it and groan a painful groan that I even brought it up. I really was taken aback because he knows full well how it makes me feel. He's an intelligent man, I'm sure he hasn't forgotten.

I suppose maybe I'm upset because it was as if he just hoped I wouldn't notice as opposed to bringing it up.

I was kind of mad at myself because I didn't handle the conversation well, felt a little walked on and also felt like he was dismissive, something he use to do ALL the time back in the day. Maybe I am just seeing too many old ugly pattern emerging from him lately and it's more that than the ring itself.

Hmmmm, time to ponder. Is it really about the ring or the ugly patterns?

Some things never change, in the past things have become more clear to me as I typed them out and I see that is still the case. I need to think about this for a bit.

His ugly patterns bring out my old ugly reactions and I'm not liking how that makes me feel. UGH, he is really going to have a "groan of disapproval" when I want to talk about all this stuff again.

LC

Well never mind. Nothing like jotting things down to have the ability to work through them. Docp is either a mind reader or he read my thread.

I was going to wait until Wed to talk to him about this issue. He is leaving later today and will be gone until tomorrow night. I was going to wait until he got back before I brought anything up.

We had a few errands to run this morning and as we got in the car I noticed he had his ring on. Since I am not known for my patience, I thought no time better than the present to talk about this.

I asked him if he happened to read my thread and he said he did not. Hmmm, I guess he really IS a mind reader. Who knew?

In all seriousness, we were able to talk about the things that are bothering me. I do believe it goes beyond the ring to the old unhealthy patterns I've noticed, he said he didn't notice any. IMO, he just falls back on what is comfortable w/o paying attention to it. Not sure though. Of course, I think by now he should be conscious of what bothers me and should avoid doing it, but that's just me.

On a positive note, it does feel great that the issues are just issues and not something related to the A. I didn't think they were and would have been very surprised had he said they were.

LC

LC,

I see that you are a FWW.

Could this external symbol of committment and his reluctance to wear it for you be a reflection of your own fear of a RA?

He has a job which makes wearing rings prohibitive. I had the same. I was a pilot and we were not allowed to wear rings and I got in the habit of leaving mine at home when I had to fly. Like you, my then wife had issues with this.

My view on rings is that they mean absolutely nothing. It's a piece of metal, worn on the fingers as a sign to others that "I'm taken".

But that symbol means absolutely nothing unless the love behind it is very real. So it could be a ring from a Cracker Jack box and be priceless because it is connected to a wonderful marriage with committment and love. Or it could be a multi-million dollar ring which gets taken off whenever there is a rendezvous with the OW or OM.

My own dear wife was the one who set her ring aside to rendezvous with other men.

I never did. My committment wasn't bound to a piece of metal and it was inside and I would NEVER break that committment.

So what kind of man is your husband?

I did start wearing the ring more and would take it off and stick it in my flight suit before flights, but I was always afraid of losing it and even went into a panic when I was deployed because I thought I did lose it.

Ask yourself if a ring keeps your H faithful or if his character does. If it's his character, then be grateful because that's something that can't be imposed on him by you or anyone else. If he's a good man who wouldn't cheat, then don't worry about this because a piece of metal will not keep him faithful.

Let this issue go if that is the case.

I'm merely saying this to you as a man who didn't wear his rings (I have a college ring I didn't wear either).

I do so now, but I sit in a cubicle now and don't fly planes.

He's an ER person, so rings are a liability and a source for germs. It's better to not risk wearing it and losing it.

Trust me, that piece of metal will not keep him faithful. His heart and his character will.

I am complete agreement with pom. I wore a wedding ring from the time I got married until D-day. This is probably not what you want to hear, but my ring is now a trigger. It remind me of the A, and it reminds me that my W broke her vows. I don't wear it anymore, and never plan to again. To me it represents a broken promise, a broken committment. But...

I don't have to wear a ring to know my committment, to remember my committment, to not break that committment. My committment is inside and I would never break it.

Pomdbd3,

Thank you for taking time to reply. I have thought of all the points you brought up and I think it really isn't about the ring at all, it's just what my mind originally deflected to. I've still not quite been able to put my finger on what is going on that is causing me to focus on something I never focused on before.


No, I honestly don't believe he would have a RA. I have seen first hand woman hitting on him and he is either clueless or he doesn't pay attention to it. One time it happened at our house when we hosted a gathering for the paramedics and nurses. One of the female paramedics was hand-feeding him off her plate. :RollieEyes: It was post-A, but before my confession. I remember wondering how she could be so bold and do that right in front of me, but at the same time didn't think I had the right to be mad because I had cheated on him, he just didn't know it, yet. I remember saying something in passing to him about it, but that was about it.


I am perfectly fine with him not wearing it to work (said that in my 2nd post). I was just surprised he quit wearing it out of the blue when he knew how much I liked the fact he finally started wearing one after 19 years of marriage.


I told my DH for me I like to look at it as I am proud to be married and I am putting my perception onto him. Prior to my A, I was never sure he loved me (my own insecurities) and thought he stayed with me because he didn't want to get divorced like our parents did. We also had no communications skills whatsoever to work it out, so I just believed it to be so. After my confession, when I was sure he was going to leave me, I found out his true feelings were that he loved me unconditionally. That was a tough pill to swallow.


I know the answer to this and I also know the ring isn't going to keep him faithful. Before he went to med school he did medical sales and traveled 6 days a week. My girlfriends use to ask me if I ever worried he would cheat. I use to tell them if he was going to cheat on me he would do it whether I worried about it or not, so I chose not to worry about it. I am not a jealous type person.


Letting go is exactly what I'm doing. I'm just not sure what is up with me, I am being overly sensitive lately, just not sure why.



Thanks again for your thoughts.

LC

HurtandShocked,

I'm sorry your ring is a trigger. It was my DH's idea to buy new rings after my confession. I'm sure he would like to chuck my old one in the garbage.

LC