My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, and have been separated for 4 months. When we met she was a single mother college drop out/bartender with a 2 year old girl, just out of a relationship with a loser. I was new to the state moving here to live with a friend after graduating college. We began as friends, and she pursued a relationship with me, which I was reluctant. I developed feelings for her, we dated for a couple of years, and got married. Everything was fine, I was a dad to her daughter, supported her financially and emotionally. When I met her, her parents took care of her daughter half of the time too, they are wealthy and my wife was considered a disappointment to her “upstanding” family.
After we were married for a year and a half, she pressured me into buying a house. I was reluctant. I had a good job, but the house was a little out of our range. But I gave in ‘cause she wanted it. Then she kept spending money, buying things, new cars, a couple dogs and got pregnant with our son.

After our son was born, she began to withdraw. I took on a second job to pay for all our stuff and was working 70+ hours a week. She withdraws sex, she stops wearing wedding bands, pulls away from hugs. I tried to keep her happy, helping with housework, kids etc.

We go to marriage counseling. After two sessions she tells me she doesn’t love me anymore, maybe never did. She liked the idea of marrying me, I was acceptable to her family blah, blah, blah… I ask if there is anyone else, she says no.

She sees the therapist by herself for a month or so, comes home one day and tells me she’s leaving, going to her parents house. We need to separate. I don’t like it but fine. She stays at her parents house (they are gone for the month) for a couple days, her parents call me and tell me that they would rather have me there. So I go live with her parents. During the first month, she won’t get to together with me, I leave her alone. Then I discover once I finally go to my house that she has had her boyfriend living in my house while I was living with her parents, “working” on our marriage. She has been seeing him for I don’t know how long, I find her checkbook and the have a checking account together.

Now we filed dissolution papers, mostly working out in my favor financially, I have ½ custody of our son, but she won’t let me see my step daughter. She continues to live with her boyfriend in our house, I have an apartment. Legally I am taken care of as far as the house and custody arrangements etc.

So any input? How does this happen? What is she thinking? Is this relationship with her boyfriend going to work? (He is a pro skydiver, she finds that exciting, she works at the airport with him) I’m alone. I have no family here, and few friends ‘cause I was dedicated to my family. I’m confused…………..

Legally I am protected as far as financially I have retained a lawyer and paperwork has been filed.

Have you exposed her affair to her parents?

I suggest you move back into your home. What are the laws in your state about that?

Yes, her parents know about the affair as does her whole family.

It is to late for me to move back to the house. I have a leased apartment and the dissolution papers state that she pays for mortgage, bills etc. until the house sells, this is good for me.
The house is expensive. I am covered legally and have talked all this sort of stuff with my lawyer.

I'd just like some insight on where her head is and how the two of them think they could survive under these circumstances. I am consumed by trying to figure out what she is thinking. She treats me like dirt to this day, you'd think I had the affair.

Walsh - you mentioned in the Divorcing forum where you originally posted that the house is going up for sale and that you'll benefit financially. However, you still need to move back home now.

What is to keep OM from trashing the place? Why should he deserve to live there rent free? With your child?

Get a lawyer, get the sheriff, whatever it takes and evict his sorry butt from your property asap. Move back in, ensure the home is taken care of properly prior to and during the sale, and do not enable or fund your WW's behavior in any way.

If you, by chance, do want to recover your marriage you need to show you are not a doormat. Begin by breaking up the A as fast as possible. Expose to everyone - her work, OM's work, OM's family, her complete family, your family, your friends - everyone. Move home. Raise your own child. Get a restraining order to keep him away from your child and take the appropriate legal steps to ensure you have primary custody. Do this to protect yourself and your child. IMHO you are too trusting at this stage.

In the meantime read up on Plan A and Plan B.

Get moving - the clock is ticking. You've come to the right place. Hope the vets can help you more than some of us.

Sounds like it might be too late.

It may not be too late to work on custody issues. No way your child should be exposed to the OM while you and WW are married.

I am not paying the mortgage they are....I have no financial ties to the house other than my equity in it I will get my share after it is sold.

In the signed agreement they have to keep the house in the condition it was when I left. It's all signed. The house issue is too far gone at this point, I can't go back, I've signed the paperwork.

I just got off the phone with my wife. She "this is not a fling, this is very serious" (meaning her relationship with OM) I asked if she intended to get married and she said yes.

I am so crushed right now.

Don't waste your time trying to figure out what a WW is thinking. The bottom line is that they aren't thinking rationally or logically. They are in what Dr. Harley refers to as "the fog." Your WW thinks of you poorly in order to justify her current behavior.

Walsh,

I'm so sorry, man. Seriously, this is one of the most terrible things a person has to go through.

I know it's hard for you to see, but what she is living is a fantasy. You see, sky diving boy may be exciting, but my gut tells me that Mr. Thrillseeker is likely not good marrying material. I could be wrong and I could be stereotyping, but a man who gets involved with a married woman and is into thrill sports doesn't exactly paint a picture of reliability.

So you are "safe" to her. You're the kind of man a woman in her late 30's wants, not one in her 20's. You're a boring, "reliable" man.

Nothing to be ashamed of.

But you do need to do some things to get your wife back, if that is your goal. The first thing you need to do is out man the "man".

This means growing a pair and fighting for your marriage. You need to start by exposing to everyone. You need to let her know that you will fight for your marriage and aren't just going to bend over.

You need to make this man uncomfortable and you need to fight for a lot more than half time with your son. Go for full custody. Cheating women are bad mothers by definition.

Is this half time with your son on paper? If it isn't, then bring your son into your home and file for full custody. Start documenting and show how this woman is immature and irresponsible and unstable.

Find out if your state has alienation of affection laws and file one against him for having an affair with your wife.

It is counter intuitive, but ticking off a WW means that what you're doing is working to save your marriage and an upset WW means you're actually doing what is right.

It is your job to secure your rights as a father. 50/50 is a start and a good one, but you need full custody of your son. Cheating women don't deserve to keep their children.

So you need to fight and fight hard! Time to pick yourself up from the shock and devastation. Moping around will get you nothing!

Trust me. I moped and wept and it got me nothing. The BHes who fight do well. Those that don't end up losing everything, including their kids.

So it is a time now to wake up and fight! Fight for your son.

I don't know about your step daughter, but you can make the argument in court that your son and his sister are blood relatives and that visitation should take that into account. You may not be a blood relative to your step daughter, but your son is and it is in his best interest, and that of your step daughter, that visitation allow the children to be together when your son comes to visit you.

Family law is governed by "best interest of the children" which is a blessing and a curse.

Fight for your marriage! Don't just lay down and take it! I know you're devestated. I understand. You're crying, losing weight, not eating, not sleeping. I've been there. I wish someone had grabbed me, slapped me a bit, and yelled, "get a hold of yourself and fight!"

So that's what I'm doing to you. Fight for your marriage by exposing to everyone and fighting for full custody. Implement Plan A immediately. Let your lawyer be the bad guy while you're the good guy.

Remember, an unhappy WW means that you're doing what is right. Blowing reality on her fantasy is what works. Being weepy and crying and accepting what she gives you doesn't work!

Best of luck to you.

I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I really doubt your WW knows what a "serious" relationship is.

It's easy for me to say, but you are probably lucky you are divorcing her.

The way you described her, she sounds like a self-entitled, spoiled brat.

I'm sory your going though this. It sucks, I know, been there.