This is for all of the BS's here who have been going through H*ll. One of the worst things about being betrayed is the blow to your self-esteem. So when you try for a long time to save your marriage to no avail, you are very vulnerable.

The Harleys advise not to date before you are divorced, and for a year after. What a DRAG.

I didn't take their advice, and did have a ONS 3 years after D-day. It was with an old family friend, and was a big mistake. I not only lost a friend, but felt awful.

Then I started dating after the divorce and found a man. Several months later, my ex wanted to get back together again.

This has happened to so many people here, over and over again. And there is a couple going through it right now, right here on MB. Very sad.

Believer I hear what you are saying. So not fair. I am almost to the point where I am ready to file the papers. My wife will not listen and keeps going back to the OM. I decided to wait till i was ready to move on till I filed. Now I feel like i need to wait till the D is filed and finalized then like at least 6 months till anybody wold consider dating me. I should have filed as soon as I learned of the A then I would only have a few months left.

Why are you so desperate to get back in another relationship?

Believer - not to t/j your intent here....

I have seen this comment and another you made a day ago where you said that if you were not dating you would get back with your husband. It is abundantly clear to me and has been for a long time that you are still in love with yout ex-husband. You know the kindest thing to do would be to get out of your new relationship and go back to him. Kindest for your boyfriend and you that is.

Just my doubtless unwelcome 2c.

BigK - You and I have never agreed on anything, but I think we sometimes think the same way. I think I do have love for my ex - we had a lot in common, plus a whole bunch of kids we raised together.

Unfortunately, I don't respect him.

It would have been easier for all concerned if I didn't date. But I did. I wish I'd followed the Harleys advice. That is the point of my thread.

And I will continue with Mario.

bigkahuna

I concur.

B,

I too agree with BigK. Do you think that you could give your ex a chance to gain back the respect?

I'm a little sappy at the moment - just came from the movie Fireproof. What a tear jerker. Especially for the BS...

I wished I would of took the advice and not date till the divorce was final. It was the second time we had started the divorce process and he told me he was done and could never fix the marriage! So I did go out with someone after months of crying and pain. My new friend raised my self esteem and I started to believe that I would be fine you know that it was my husbands loss! Then here he comes again! He wants his family back.I prayed for so long for this and finally had given up now he is back. I am now torn!!!!!

Never a good idea. When we make ourselves lifes become trash, we become so.

You are so much more than a ONS!!!!!

I'm not in plan D but I wouldn't think it's a good idea to date until after the D is final and one year after that sounds reasonable. An A devastates a BS emotionally and mentally. Recovering from that kind of pain and trauma is going to take a long time. If a BS is lonely, they could be making poor choices and end up dating someone who isn't good for them. The dating partner may just be filling a void.

You can always start dating your ex again, but may want to wait to see that he is worthy and doesn't just want you back because he's lonely.

Really? That's news to me. I think we agree more than we disagree. Oh well.

Wow...I so agree with this BK...It's been very obvious to me as well that you still have feelings for your ex, Believer...I'm a big proponent of reconciliation, obviously...Respect is something that can be earned again Believer...I hope you will give this a good think...

Mrs. W

Unfortunately, "feelings" alone don't a good M make.

IMO the very LAST thing "Believer" should do is seek to restart a relationship with her XH. She should seek to do just the opposite.

I understand your reaction MIM, but I can tell you (and Mr. W would agree) that living in a truly recovered marriage is a wonderful thing - a blessing...If there is a chance that Believer could have that, then I would most definitely wish that for her...

Mrs. W

I would wish that for Believer too, but only if he is truly repentant.

ITA Chai!

Mrs. W

Believer, you are divorced and you wish you hadn't started dating? Why? Sure you have feelings for your ex. But he's your ex now. If you want to date him, date him. Or not. It's your choice. He is like any other available man out there - with the exception that you know him much better. That may or may not be a good thing.

I understand why MB principals say not to date. When one is still holding onto hope for a recovered marriage, obviously dating is going to hinder it, should the WS eventually return. But not all M's are salvagable. It's a decision you have to make first - do I or don't I want to save my M? If the answer is no, then whether you date or not shouldn't be an issue.

As for when to start dating, that has been hotly debated on this board. A BS needs time to heal personally. The amount of time is different for each person. And waiting for the D to be final IMO is not a measure of appropriate time. The divorce process varies so much from jurisdiction to jurisdiction and has very little to do with the BS's mental and emotional health. Even from a religious perspective, the church doesn't issue a divorce certificate so I don't understand why that's such a huge deal. Then again it could be because here, all of the things you Americans fight over in a D we fight over in an LSA so once that is obtained, you are as legally not married as a divorced couple there. The only thing the divorce certificate is required for is to remarry. Very few people bother with D until that time comes. At that point, it's issued by some minimum wage clerk at city hall - much in the same way you would pay a speeding ticket. So I guess that's why I don't see the D as the magic bullet.

I agree 100%

To all the betrayed:

I strongly recommend avoiding new relationships for a good while after divorce.

I jumped into a very short lived relationship with a woman just a month after the divorce and it was painful for the two of us. I cried the day after I spent the night with her because I was still very much in love with my ex and felt like I had cheated in my heart (we were officially divorced).

That kind of baggage is bad for you and very unfair to the new person.

I hooked up with someone else a few months later, but I was still to hurt and angry to be able to give that a chance.

I then joined eHarmony a year after the D and it was still too soon.

I've taken a break since January, partly unwillingly, but it's been good for healing purposes.

There is a woman I do like, but we're friends and have kept it at that level for many, many months.

While I've been eager to elevate it to the next level, I've also welcomed the absence of drama that a new relationship would bring and it has given me a chance to start breathing again.

The devastation after a divorce is terrible and a quick relationship with someone else simply serves to cover up that pain. Facing that pain and processing it is a necessary step. We otherwise jump into relationships with new people that we wouldn't get involved with otherwise simply because we don't wish to be alone.

Don't get me wrong. I'd love nothing more than to have someone to cuddle with while watching a movie or to curl up next to at night, but I don't want it to be just anyone.

So I continue my break. If it happens, it happens. I am not out and proactively looking for it.

Could my ex come back and rethink things someday like some of you? I don't know, but I highly doubt it and the damage done has been so great that I seriously doubt I'd consider it at all if the possibility ever came up again.

So take the break. It's an opportunity for personal growth.

The Harleys have good advice.

I think it all depends on the individual . Some people are very ready and prepared to date right away...others never are.

Use your judgement.

IF you would get back together with your ex spouse if things changed, I think you have no business dating. It isn't fair to the new partner or yourself. Only when you KNOW that you would NEVER get back with the ex again would I think you are ready to date.