Here is the problem......my wife has put on a lot of weight....and she always asks if I think she is fat...I of coarse say no...you are beutiful....well lately she notices that I am not always trying to bust a move on her and initiate sex...we have sex...but I am not trying to get it constantly....So she is not buying the your beutiful bit anymore....I must say....the weight has me turned off....when we married she was always into fitness....we have been married for 16 years and in the last 2-3 she has given up on the gym and just uses a treadmill at home....I know if I tell her I am not as attracted to you because of the weight that you have put on....it will be a no win situation...everybody says you never tell your wife she is fat or heavy or anything...you just tell them you love them the way they are......last night she wanted me to just come out and say it...you think I am fat...I said no...then why don't you ever want sex anymore.....I don't want to go down that road...I need map or better yet GPS and a safari guide to hold my hand. How do I discuss this with her in the most gentle of ways

You tell her the truth - IF she asks. BUT you also continue the discussion in a helpful vein. So are you Mr. America yourself? No? Then talk about starting a hobby together where you BOTH get exercise, and get to spend time together. It will do wonders for your marriage.

How much weight are you talking here?

ok, you have been getting REAL BAD ADVICE. The truth is that you don't love her the way she is. You do not feel attracted to her when she is fat. Physical appearance is very important to many men because they are VISUALLY stimulated. It does not mean you are shallow.

You OWE your wife the truth, if you love her, because not telling her is going to result in you falling out of love when that need is not met.

Tell her:

"dear, our marriage means everything in the world to me. I love you more than anyone in this world. It is BECAUSE of this that I want to protect the love I feel for you. I feel sexually attracted and very excited by your appearance when you are SLENDER. My feelings change and I don't feel as attracted when you gain weight. I know this hurts you, but I love you too much to NOT tell you the truth. Your appearance is a GREAT SOURCE of happiness to me and I miss the feelings I had when you were slim.

I have checked into this and discovered that one of my most important emotional needs is physical attractiveness. I have learned that it is directly related to my other top need, sexual fulfillment." Having those 2 needs met is what makes me feel the very most in love with you. I don't want to ever lose that!"

I would introduce her to the concept of emotional needs and being in love. Get the book, His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Willard Harley. In the meantime, read up on emotional needs and the need of physical attractiveness:



EN questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

The Most Important Emotional Needs



Physical Attractiveness

For many, physical attractiveness can be one of the greatest sources of love units. If you have this need, an attractive person will not only get your attention, but may distract you from whatever it was you were doing. In fact, that's what may have first drawn you to your spouse -- his or her physical attractiveness.

There are some who consider this need to be temporary and important only in the beginning of a relationship. Some feel that after a couple get to know each other better, physical attractiveness should take a back seat to deeper and more intimate needs. And I've even heard some suggest that those with a need for physical attractiveness are immature or spiritually weak -- even subhuman!

But I don't judge important emotional needs, and I don't think you should either. The question you should ask is, what need when met deposits the most love units? If it's physical attractiveness, it should not be ignored. For many, the need for physical attractiveness not only helps create a relationship, but it continues on throughout marriage, and love units are deposited whenever the spouse is seen -- if he or she is physically attractive.

Learn how to be an attractive spouse

Among the various aspects of physical attractiveness, weight generally gets the most attention. Almost all of the complaints I hear regarding a spouse's loss of physical attractiveness are about being overweight. And when diet and exercise bring the spouse back to a healthy size, physical attractiveness almost always returns. However, choice of clothing, hair style, makeup, and personal hygiene also come together to make a person attractive. Since attractiveness is usually in the eyes of the beholder, you are the ultimate judge of what is attractive to you.

If the attractiveness of your spouse makes you feel great, and loss of that attractiveness would make you feel very frustrated, you should probably include this category on your list of important emotional needs.

Physical Attractiveness

But is physical attractiveness a TOP NEED of hers? This won't be relevant if not. In my marriage, for example, PA IS a top need of my H's, but it is not of mine.

I agree that it would be nice to develop exercise habits together, that is a great suggestion!

There's more to it than just ENs. A fat woman asking if she's fat can mean anything from self-hatred to jealousy to trying to trick her husband to seeing a friend go through a different path...

Bottom line, they need to be able to talk honestly.

I asked if he was Mr America because if he isn't in tip top shape, he can use that as a reason for the BOTH of them to start a hobby together, without having to hurt her feelings about HER weight.

I'm don't think that there is more to it than emotional needs. His EN is physical attractiveness, she is FAT and he needs to tell her. REAL SIMPLE. I don't see why anyone needs to read more into it than is there. If she is jealous or hates herself then that is an entirely different issue, not one that he can solve.

Mr. X,

I've never posted to you, and so you don't know me. I work in human communications.

Under Infidelity, in the General Questions forum, there is a thread I started called Body Language, Memory, and other stuff. Look at it - you need to read that so you can set the stage for yourself when you have this talk with your wife. Don't do the talk until you think you have the body language thing settled - and that you have an idea of how you are going to sit with her, hold her hand, and LISTEN.

Then, you need to prepare what you are going to say. Your words are not so important as your sincerity. I mean that - your connection to your wife in this matter is the very most important thing here.

I have just a few things to connect to you on, then I will suggest some wording for you to think about. You need to tweak the words so they are YOURS, not mine. Otherwise, the words will not work for you. Make them yours.

Okay. First of all, if you don't tell your wife that her weight is bothering you, then in my opinion you have

given up on her.

Have you? Because she thinks you have. She has come to you with an honest and sincere question, and you

LIED to her.

Gosh. You lied because you don't want to hurt her? Or, maybe that you will have to say something that will lead to CONFLICT?????

I bet! Because you don't want to have her hit back at you about your own faults - you know she will - and you are left in a Catch-22 situation where she has asked you about her faults, and somehow it ends up with you on the receiving end of a huge conflict where she ends up hurt and you look like the bad guy. This is exactly the kind of question men HATE.

You lose. You cannot win.

Or can you?


You can.

Here's how.

First, there has to be sincerity in your reply. You cannot lie to her, because she KNOWS your answer is a lie. She will be back with the same question, because this is now an "issue". You know it, because here you are.

Then, you have to be sure that you care enough about her that you are able to tell her the truth, and risk it. When someone stops telling you where you are going wrong, it means you have given up on them. I ask again, have you given up on her? She thinks you aren't sleeping with her because you have given up on her, at least her body. If you don't tell her what's wrong, it means you don't want to put in the effort to fix it - that she isn't worth the effort. That's where this ends up, you know. In her mind, she isn't worth the effort........and that doesn't help her lose the weight, and doesn't build her self-esteem.

Finally, you have to be willing to accept your own faults, and know that those will be in the mix. She will take what you say about her, and tell you what you need to fix. Be ready for that, and work with it. In fact, it is where you start.


What to say:

"Honey, you know, the other day you asked me about your weight, and if I thought you were too fat. I have thought about that and really, I thought about a lot of things.

Questions like that scare me, you know? I mean, you ask me if you are too fat, and I think 'Am *I* too fat?' Really! I could lose a few pounds, too. I worry about gaining weight, and that I don't look like I did when we got married. I know you are worried about that, too. I can see how it's affecting you, and I want you to know that I love you and who you are - more now than the day we got married.

Your weight, and my weight, does bother me. I know that weight can affect us later in life for our health. I think about how we used to be into things that were much more healthy - like (insert what you used to do here). I think that maybe you and I would be better off if we could do those things together again. Maybe we could work out that way, and lose some weight - plus, from some reading that I've been doing, I've learned that it can improve our sex life...hey....you know????

What do you think? Maybe we could work up a plan?"



See, this doesn't have to be a "her" thing. You might turn it into a marriage-building thing, where she isn't out there on her own, working to change herself for you. It can be a team thing, where you acknowledge your own problems, too. Or, if you are in great shape, rework the talk to where you ask her to join you - that you MISS HER AND WANT HER IN YOUR LIFE, THAT YOU NEED HER AND LOVE SPENDING TIME WITH HER, and the bonus would be that she could get back to doing the things she used to do. She probably misses doing those things, and wants to do them - she just needs a buddy. Be the buddy. The payoff????? A better marriage, a closer relationship, and

more sex.


Try it.

SB

But if there IS more to it than that, not knowing that can lead him to venture down the wrong path. Just sayin'.

I would venture to add that your take on someone's situation is 180 degrees from mine, ML. You seem to have a great, healthy sense of self. I have an incredibly low sense of self. The difference is that, when you see a situation, you see a solution. Easy as that. When I see a situation, I see the underdog, the person who has doubts and fears and self-recrimination. If YOU were the person in question, the outcome would be a totally different version than if I were the person in question. IMO, that is why we keep coming to different conclusions.

I don't see how radical honesty can lead him down the wrong path. It is in her best interest to know the truth so she can work on her marriage. She can't very well do that if she doesn't know the truth.

I would also add that Dr. Harley is licensed clinical psychologist who very much advocates radical honesty. I don't think folks are as weak and fragile as you fear. And if she is fragile, then it is even more imperative that she know there is a problem in her marriage so she has an opportunity to solve it. NOT being honest with her increases the risk of his falling out of love, which increases the risk of divorce. THAT would be alot worse than hearing he thinks she is fat.

Um, ML, is this not what I posted?
Is that not saying the same thing you are?

It sure didn't sound like it when you said:


But thanks for the clarification.

Well, what I meant by that was that if he talks to her about not liking her weight gain, but ignores the fact that she continuously asks him about the weight gain and doesn't try to determine WHY she continues to ask about it, just coming out and telling her he doesn't like it just might aggravate whatever is causing her to ask it in the first place - thus going down the 'wrong path'. In other words, sure be honest, but also be compassionate for the other person.

Hi, I'm new and not a great speller so please be kind.If your wife is saying "am I fat" she knows she is .She is not blind so she knows.And I am sorry but no matter if there is a sweet sincere talk about how her being over wieght makes you not feel like being close in physical way but ya think she is an awsome gal what an insecure neglected woman will hear is"you are a fat disgusting pig I wish you looked like Jessica Biel so I wouldnt gage everytime I had to touch you".Sorry but hey that is what she will hear.And i add neglected cause if she grosses ya out physically you can be sure you show it.Oh maybe you dont giggle when she goes by.Or call piggy.But women can feel when someone aint into them.I would also like to say some guys LOVE big girls.I would encourage her to work out go for walks every nite together.Eat healthier, you cook a great low cal meal etc. just my feelings .

She is asking you a direct question & you are avoiding it. She is really asking more than "am I fat?"; she already knows the answer. What she is asking is if you are still attracted to her at that weight. The truth is, you are not, and you aren't doing her or your marriage any favours by avoiding what she needs to hear. If you feel your marriage & sex life could be improved by her losing weight (and probably gaining a good deal of self confidence), then it is your duty to talk to her honestly and kindly about it.

hey Mr. X - you should think about taking romantic walks and such as foreplay- the weight would come off- you wouldn't need a gps and your wife would feel great in her skin, you would feel great in your marriage so much could be solved! a walk- bowling maybe a Wii! You could be the leader for good health- as how you treat your spouse is how you would treat yourself. You do treat yourself well don't you? Can you handle the truth? Be her Leader- help her get back in little kind ways. Change what your doing.

Just a thought from a big gal whose hubby could have helped instead of sabatoge(enough of the loving treats and pizza) a successful loss of 75 #- only to have him fall into his midlife crisis of jealousy/ possessiveness and total wierdness and gain back 45#--- I will loose this weight again- I hope he can handle the truth again. He even gets another chance to be of help! Oh and Yes He did loose a bunch and get fit too!

Just to add my experience, the best thing my husband has ever done was admit to me that he was no longer feeling physically attracted to me when I had gained weight after having children. He carried on telling me he loved and adored me and we got closer and closer. He only admitted this to me after I started losing weight after finding out he'd been watching porn videos secretly. This affected my self confidence hugely and kickstarted my weight loss with misery, but its been the best thing to happen to us.

I've now lost 70lbs. Life is so different and much more wonderful. Finding this site and learning about the emotional need for PA was an incredible help to me though in stopping me judging him. He had also gained a lot of weight and has lost 40lbs himself this last year. Although he still has some left to go and I'm getting to the point where he's saying I'm too skinny. Oops.

We need the truth, nothing works without it. People who suggest white lies in relationships have obviously got no experience of the kind of close loving commitment that can result from following mb principles.

I absolutely agree that if she is asking you whether you think she is fat, she knows that she is overweight and she senses that there is a problem. But hearing those words from you will still hurt. I am overweight and recently went through this with my very loving husband who was also very nervous to discuss this with me. I had put on a few extra pounds over the holiday season. But the way he told me made it alot easier to hear. Instead of telling me I was too fat, he told me that he married me to spend the rest of his life with me. My family has a history of heart problems. Obviously my weight is not beneficial to my health or my heart. So at the end of the discussion the result was the same, I realised that I needed to get my A into G and start going to gym again but he had made me feel that this was truly about loving me. As far as the attraction not being the same, he made a very valid point. Before I put on the extra weight I was a lot more confident in bed, especially about initiating. I also realised that I wasnt fitting into all my clothes as well and it definitely put a damper on my confidence.

I will totally admit that when the conversation took place, I was upset and hurt but when I had a rational think about it I bounced back a lot stronger and more determined than I would ever have if the conversation had been handled in a different manner.

So yes the honestly is very important but so is a little tact on delivery.

Also -- please ensure you are being reasonable. My best friend, 5'7" - gained 17 pounds in 9 years of marriage and 3 kids -- she weighed 152 pounds after the gain. Should she have lost weight? yeah, probably. But her H was relentless (and he weighed 220 with a big beer gut). He put her down in front of people (only those who loved her -- like me -- that was a quote from him which made his treatment of her o.k.) She thought she was hideous b/c she was told that so often.

She finally lost the weight -- 10 of her own and 220 of his. Has been happy ever since. I am not saying you don't have a legitimate issue; however, don't go ape over something small. A lot of men seem to think SI's swimsuit edition is how it should be -- at least for their wives. If her problem isn't huge - it surely is fixable and as others have pointed out -- you can help her.

And tell her the truth -- please -- and gently. She really is asking about your relationship, not her weight. She knows what that is.