It is similar although I hope my situation doesn't turn that bad. I have agreed to give her 100k, her car, and all her clothes and jewelry and that is it. It seems like alot of money but she has never worked and she spends like crazy. If she were to live in her old lifestyle it would last less than 6 months.

I cutoff her credit cards and access to the bank accounts today, online banking works but she does not know how to use it or the passwords. I can take care of all of that first thing tomorrow.

She is going to look for apartments next week and says she will move over to her mom's tomorrow. I guess she can't get away from me fast enough now. I'm going to have a great dinner with the kids and a difficult conversation. I am thinking I'll take all of us, Sam included, to Disney etc the week after Thanksgiving. W hates Disneyland so the twins have never been.

Maybe a change of scene and 100% family time will help them out. I thought I would feel relief but I just feel sad.

I've followed this sad thread from the beginning. While I'm certainly no expert, nor as well spoken as some of the others here, I'm shocked at your settlement with her. She's abandoning her family - you and the children. She's incredibly selfish and self-centered. Other than the car and personal possessions she shouldn't receive a thing, IMHO.

I humbly suggest that you withdraw the cash and place it in a trust for the children she's abandoned for all these years. She'll survive. In fact, she needs to feel the pain of hitting bottom.

I can tell you are a good man. But you are overly generous with her - both in the time you've waited in a Plan A and now with financial resources that are coming at the expense of the children. Put the children first financially.

All in my humble opinion, of course. I'm not walking in your shoes, so I can't be a judge.

All the best, and God speed to recovery for your family.

Give WW one hundred grand.

What!

You need a check up from the neck up!

Do you really think that she will settle for 100 grand? I bet she lawyers up and looks for more money. Just be careful and protect your finances. What does your attorney say about the 100 grand?

My attorney says I am iron clad on the postnup and she can't get a thing. I seriously doubt she will get a lawyer. She asked tonight before the movie if she could come by the office tomorrow and sign the D agreement. It will still need to be signed off by the judge but that will not be an issue. She is very childish about money because she has never had to deal with it. I think she can not make it if I give her nothing.

She called her mom and she is moving over there in the morning, I called her lawyer and we are all sitting down to sign everything tomorrow at 9:00. I'm not sure how long until it is final but uncontested divorce with adultery as the cause has no waiting period in Virginia. So it could be done next week. Kind of shocking.

I know you guys seem to think the 100k is ridiculous but I have the money and she is the mother of my children. Think of it as paying off my conscience if you will. I'll gladly work the extra hours to make it up My children don't want for anything that money can buy, we do not live extravagantly but they have food, clothes, school etc. I'm paying 100% for Sam in college.

Unfortunately the one thing they really need money can't buy.

I am very sorry for the way this turned out. I realize there are no guarantees in life, but I wish she would have been willing to work on this for a few years. I think she would have been very happy (after a time) had she worked on this with all her heart.

You know by now that there are many voices here, and they don't always say the same thing. I am glad you were willing to help her get a start. It confirms what kind of person you are. I think you will be happy, if you continue to be that kind of person.

You have been given much good advice here. It's easy for us to say what we think. It is more difficult to put things in to action, make important decisions, and cope with the results of those decisions.

I applaud your willingness to listen, and to try. You will be glad you made the effort.

You may have second thoughts, and wonder if you could have done better, or differently. Had you done this, or that, would it have turned out another way?

That is human nature, it comes to most of us. We can only do the best we know at the time. I believe you tried to do that.

I also wish this had gone at a slower pace. I wish your W had given it time, for I believe she could have adjusted with some practice. I wonder what she will be thinking a week, a month, and a year from now.

I feel for your children, and for you. No one should have to live through something like this. It leaves a mark on us that takes time to erase.

I hope you will continue to seek help to understand. I had no idea when I married that some facets of marriage would be so difficult. I said I didn't believe in fairy tales (living happily ever after) but some parts of my mind must have believed. The reality is that marriage is like anything else. The more we learn, and put in to practice, the better chance we have of success.

I wish I could say something that would help you feel better tonight, but that is beyond my ability. I suspect it will hurt for quite a while yet. If I could do something to help with your healing, I would. I think your efforts to help your children through this will be the best help you can give to yourself. I hope and pray for healing for all of you.

I feel bad for your W also. I am afraid the route she has chosen will make this much more difficult for her. I do hope she also finds a way to be healed.

It may take a while, but I hope before long you will be able to find joy in this journey we are on.

SS

So the post Nup is actually better than giving her 100K???

I've read your thread from the beginning.

I think there's a lot more going on with your (F?)WW than "girls nights out", etc.

Wives don't leave their children and their M because they can't go to the movies with their friends.

BTW, if she's never worked, who's going to be paying for that apartment of hers? If she hasn't mentioned that as an issue, is likely because she's already thought of, or has, a solution.

Flynn,

Half of our assets would be much more than the 100k. Plus she might get alimony.

MIM,

I really don't think there is an A going on here, just a very selfish person. It doesn't matter anyway since we will be effectively D as of tomorrow morning. I think she does not have a clue what it means to earn a living or how the money can go quickly.

If she has another guy, I still feel sad that the kids lost their mom.

It doesn't necessarily have to be an A, but there is definitely *something* going on, something that your W is definitely not inclined to give up, something she's apparently willing to sacrifice her M over. This is why I think there's a lot more involved than you know in those "girls nights out", particularly the ones where she elects to remain out overnight.

The enhanced sexual activity may also be another indicator that something's going on in her life that she'd prefer you not know.

I'm guessing that she's getting attention from at least one other man, likely more, on those "nights out", she craves that attention, and she sees leaving the M and having her own apartment as an opportunity to take advantage of some of those prospects.

Well, I'll say this again, that as much as I hate what's happening for 6's sake, I think we all laid an incredible amount of stress on his wife's shoulders, and given her background, I simply think she was not capable of living up to the expectations.

This kind of reminds me of jennydream's thread on EN. She is so far removed from reality, she wouldn't know it if she stepped in it. It's easy to tear 6's wife down for refusing to try, but as has been said, he's been dealing with this for 10 years, she only got hit with 'his' reality a week or two ago. And within that time, she was expected to completely throw away herself and come out the other end with a new herself.

And given that she seems to be emotionally stunted at about age 13, I'm not sure she could have ever been capable of making it work. Put yourself in her place at age 10, or 15. You're being told you have to throw away everything you're comfortable with and be something else, and if you do good enough, you just might get to keep the lifestyle and home you've had. IMO, a kid would just give up. I've seen my D18 do that, at much less stressful things, just say "I can't!" and walk away, no matter what the reward at the end would be.

6
I was under the impression that a D with minor children involved required more time. I thought it was a year(I also live in VA). Just a head's up.

And again I believe this is going way too fast.

R, on average, takes two years. You've given it a month and a half. The fact is by D her you'll get her out of the house and your daily stress level will go down. However, this woman is and will always be the mother of your children. They can't change that. And if they can't reconcile with her it will affect them the rest of their lives. "Removing her from the house" will make it that much more strained and uncomfortable to attempt any type of normal relationship. I think it will be very difficult especially because of their R with you.

I feel sad about all of this. From a bird's view this looked like the beginning of healing for your entire family. But now I don't see that. If there is nothing else going on with her(MIM you might be on to something) then from her prospective she started trying to meet your needs and instead of something good coming out of it, she was penalized and punished. She tried to be honest and look what it got her. Yes she needs to change, but most people resist being MADE to change. They need to WANT to. She hadn't gotten there yet. Just not enough time was allotted.

As a mother, there's not a lot of situations that I can think of that I would even consider leaving my kids over. So there may be more to this story than you know 6. However, if they felt about me as your kids feel about her, I might maybe, possibly, consider moving out if it was for their benefit. But I never see splitting up a family as a benefit to the kids unless there is abuse.


Please, think hard on your choices in the coming days. Think hard on what is REALLY best for your children. Unless there is violence or other abuse, why is there such a rush? If it's because of your emotions...they will change. Your anger will lighten, your life will feel normal again. Don't let emotions direct your decisions.

ITA.

This was not aimed at "success." Even if she did completely turn everything around 100% immediately, there was no guarantee that 6yearsleft wouldn't kick her to the curb in 6years.

Maybe she just didn't want to spend the next 6years with that sword hanging over her... one single mistake, one single time of not living up to standards, of a completely different lifestyle...

I feel saddened by this outcome. I think everyone loses. But especially the kids.

6yearsleft, one reason IMHO to NOT give her the money is to NOT be an enabler of her leaving, tearing the family apart. If giving her the money makes it easier for her to leave, makes it so she leaves sooner without trying longer, and if you know the money will just be gone in a few months or a year or two, then I don't see it as a kindness.

I could be wrong. But I'm just seeing something totally different from what most others are.

There are some significant differences to aw3's thread. His wife was way more "gone" yet he tried harder and longer. He truly loved her and wanted it to work, we had to convince him to set boundaries, any boundaries. And he can truly say he tried his best, he went above and beyond, and he fought for what was best for his children, all three of them.

6YL

Well if your lawyer thinks it's ok then give her the lump sum.
I would not do both. Give a lump sum and alimony.

Based on what you have said I think your WW will be broke in under 12 months.

Are you going for full custody? Then no need for CS.

Here's another thing to think about. Yes, the kids may be mad at her. But kids do that. And it isn't about her being their mother, it's about her actions saying that she chooses something else over them. That is a horrendous way to feel. I know, I watched my dad do it, walk away, and it crushed me. For life. I never got over it. To this day, 40 years later, I can't think about him without the first thought being 'he didn't want me.'

6, your kids may be mad at her, but a kid's mad doesnt' mean they don't want her. It means they're waiting and hoping for her to come to them and apologize, hug them, and tell them she loves them. That's all.

Your emotions are WAY too far into overdrive right now to be making rational decisions. It's like you've been living with this need for revenge for 10 years now, and now that you've got the chance, and she's not stepping to your tune, that all just proves that you should get revenge.

Is there some way you can slow down and just come up with a temporary situation in which the two of you can do some real work together? Let her go stay with her mom, don't do papers, don't give money, and start seeing a psychologist together. For your kids' sakes.

WHERE'S JL WHEN WE NEED HIM???

Jayne, CatPerson, TheRoad;

We did the paperwork this morning and I took care of all the bank accounts. I offered that she could stay the way things were and we would get divorced when the kids are grown, but she is excited about being carefree and thinks she can do better with the kids on her own. I think she is going to completely abandon the kids. It was strange because you all seem to think I am punishing her. She was happy signing the papers today, I was the one who was sad.

The agreement is a single lump sum, full custody to me with visitation as I approve but not supervised or anything like that. No child support and no alimony. My attorney is going to see when he can get the agreement on the court calendar but since we have both agreed he thinks this week it will be done. We don't have to do anything else. He said the children may cause a waiting period but probably not because of the admitted adultery.

I can't put the kids through more rejection right now. That is all they ever remember of her and Rachael only has 1 year 11 mo's at home before college.

I still say that there's something else going on here. I think she's already come up with a solution for how she's going to be supported when not under your wing.

Frankly, I wouldn't have given her a lump sum at all - that's probably why she's smiling: she's got some scheme in place (at least in her mind) to ensure she's taken care of AND she gets $100K on top of it too. Women, especially WWs, can be RUTHLESS when it comes to things like this.

Hon, I don't think you're punishing her. I think your emotions are all tied up in a bunch right now. I think this choice is a perfectly valid one. I'm just worried about you and the kids. I don't care what happens to her.

But I'm afraid a month or two from now when the dust has settled, you and the kids will have an avalanche of NEW emotions over all this, lots of doubts, lots of self-recrimination. And it will probably stick with you for the rest of your lives.

If nothing else, please get yourself and your kids into therapy.

And take that trip!