But I am so hurt. I've been married almost two years. We've had our problems in the beginning as most couples do. My husband was deployed to Iraq and returned 8 months ago. Soon after he returned, I began having strange feelings about him, and I wasn't sure if I fully trusted him. I found on the computer that he had been visiting a website where people go to look at other people's sexual videos, and to meet, sort of like a demented personals website. I had seen that he had contacted a number of women. When I saw that and confronted him, his first reaction was frustration, and anger for me "snooping" into his personal life. I held everything inside, and even though he told me what he called the truth, I knew there was something else there. Recently, I returned to our home town, across the country, to start a job, being that we would be returning to the state I am in now when my husband was done with the military. I needed his password for his email to verify a flight and when I went into it, I found that he had been answering personal ads. There were two where he sent, one said "email me if you want to talk", another with his pictures and him asking what the person thought and looked like, and another of a direct email to a person with his pictures. I confronted him, and he flipped out, hung up on me, and the rest of that day, I refused his calls, even when he had his brother call me. We talked about the issue the next day and he claimed that it was a joke, that he had found a friend of his on a singles ad website and responded to it. When asked about the direct email, he said he didn't know or didn't remember. I didn't believe him. Later I found what I thought to be the girl he emailed directly, someone much younger and living in the neighboring town, and when I confronted him with that, he "came clean" and told me "everything" about the situation. Claiming he never physically cheated, that he had issues with sex, and "voyerism" as he put it, he said he needed the thrill of seeing women but because "porn" wasn't enough, he needed the people to be real. He explained that he would find these people and ask them for pictures, sometimes it worked, sometimes not, he said. He admitted that he had been doing it, even after I found out about the first website, and that he had lied to me many times. We're working things out, and it's awful that we are not together due to job circumstances, because if we were together, I would insist we go to counselling. I am still healing from all this, and have lost a lot of trust in him, but he talks about things like everything is fine and we're over the whole thing. I've said I am not, and he retorts that I need to get over it, because he doesn't want to have it hanging over his head for the rest of his life. If anyone has any sort of advice, please help, I am so lost on what to do.

Sorry you're here, but do NOT let him sweep this under the rug. It's an addiction, and you'll find dozens of people here who've lost their marriages due to an addiction. They almost never get better, only worse. If it was me, I'd be requiring some sort of total honesty and clarity on what he does. You also might try to post over on the Infidelity side, General Questions. They're better able to help you with this issue.

Thanks I appreciate the help.

If you go into the recovery forum, look at the thread, Married to a sex addict.

There's a ton of info I've posted, as well as others, about resources. Read about addictions, educate yourself. Take care of yourself, and figure out your boundaries. Understand that his recovery (IF he chooses, and he may not) is his to own, not yours. Your recovery is yours to own.

His addiction may not be "cheating", but with his addiction he's cheating you out of sexual and non-sexual intimacy. He's cheating on his marriage vows (forsaking others, love, honor, respect..). He's also cheating himself, training himself to think of women as objects for his sexual gratification.

If he sees a counselor, please have him see a sex addiction therapist. If none exist in your area, then an addiction counselor. Mainstream marriage counselors don't deal with addictions well, and some don't believe in sex addiction.

Please also note that there is a difference between recovery and sobriety. Sobriety simply abstaining the addictive behavior. Recovery happens when there become mental/behavioral shifts. People can be dry drunks. Actually, I think Ear's Open thread in the emotional needs forum is a good example of sobriety but no recovery. That's a good read, too.

You husband's use/acting out has escalated. Addictions left untreated always escalate. Be careful.

Also, my husband's counselor (who deals with sex addiction), says it takes 3-5 years to deal with this. You don't need to make any decisions today, but understand that it will take a long time to heal from this. Personally, I think we'll be closer to the 3 year end.